im just trying to live a different life

I'm just so complex I find it hard to hold on to the understanding that I have of myself

The most beautiful moment in life

to be by your side
is such a lovely place to cry

\ i could really use a friend
just this once

i just wanna be your *****

i miss being able to sleep
but my heart hurts when i'm not chasing the night

it all felt so real

You set my soul on fire

Just for one day
please
i just don't want to think

please
i need it to stop
i need to breathe

i need time on my own
to recover and become whole again

give me time
give me space to breathe

i'm a very happy person
i'm just frustrated
that doesn't add up
haha ain't nothin positive about this

on a Sunday afternoon I told him that I love him
it took him by surprise
but he said he loves me too
and I know that he truly meant it

I meant it too
I felt every emotion that comes with love and I felt it deeply
It does not matter to me that I have no idea whether it’s platonic or romantic love
It’s still love
And it felt good…it feels good
I went where my emotions lead me to and for once it wasn’t to a dark place

I feel happy
A love that’s not defined
It’s just pure

A person once said to me ‘what is love?’ and they didn’t ask it as a question because it just can’t be questioned
and at the time I didn’t understand but I do now

there isn’t an answer or a definition

today a tear slipped down my face, out of happiness
I have learnt a lot of lessons and I’m glad that I stayed alive to learn them and to keep feeling

I will complain about life tomorrow but at least I felt today. At least I have the hope that I will feel again another day

Thank you for letting me feel the warm rays of happiness on my skin once again

i like to play
play games
play with my words
with minds
manipulate
twist
ensnare
control

looking at the shattered tea cup on the floor feels so familiar
do you think if I reached out to touch it, that I would feel a gentle caress on my own skin?
-
if I swept it up
and heard it drag across across the floor
would I make a sound? what if I moaned ever so lightly?
how would that make you feel?
-
and if I left the shattered pieces to just lay there
would you pick them up?
I imagine you standing over them
towering, with your 6ft frame
-
I know you would see the beauty in the mess
you might smile
you might bend down for a closer look
maybe you would even touch me
of course you would
-
maybe I would ask you to
maybe I would beg for you to pick up a piece
maybe I would scream for you to clench your first around it and feel the stabbing pain that comes with blood flow

-
in the hallway of our minds place lays a shattered tea cup
and in the palm of our hands lays a piece of it
and in the gaze of our eye is one another
and the only name on your lips is mine

picture this
i'm bounding through a wood chipped floor forest
in america
everything is a deep green
with a picture of natural brown amalgamated with the black i mistake for brown
i shouldn't be seeing in colour
it's not something my species is used to
i'm only focused on myself
only i matter
primal,
animalistic ,
survival,
human

God why are you always in the forefront of my mind. you're so temporary but you just appear to be everything. I want you, sexually, of course. I'm lax with commitment and just a little apprehensive of it since i get bored easily. i want you to be the one. i only catch glimpses of you but this time that's not my only indulgence or limit, i now have a means of communication with you and it's so frustrating. i'll miss you when your gone, i miss you, i miss you every day ugh to be continued

hah how long till you dump me
i;m yours and only yours, right
wrong, left
hah kidding, unconditional, unsurpassed
wait what
l

im seeking something, always searching for that one thing that's is right in front of me

did you ever wake up and think, i'm going to paint my lips today, i want to sugarcoat them x

the hardest thing about growing up is not knowing what you mean when you say you're tired

learning that marriage is sometimes like a horror film is hard
You learn it the hard way
Sure there was a an alright environment
But the truth when it was revealed was enough to crack the strain
The injustice that in the moment everything is plausible
But when you look back and realise your mistake, all you can do is apologise
******* go back in time, grab your past self and scream, scream as much as you can because it'll be silent because when you return from the past you'll revert back to old ways. Marriage is hauntingly beautiful and I guess it's just sheer luck

i don't want us to ever grow apart

you make me sick


so why do i still miss you?

please tell me how i've managed to forge a connection like this with you
i'm just screaming on the inside
funny how i don't even know whether im talking about a person or a little habit i can't kick
whatever you are
you make me feel empty, intoxicated, and completely willing to give myself over
a little tilt of the head, maybe i'll throw in some empty eye action
and just hold myself, my arms draped across the most sensitive parts of my body
at most, caressing my neck

i wonder just how much our distance broke us
grey thoughts to red actions to nothing
a flame that barely licks at me now
a single flame
i don't always feel it
sometimes it burns
sometimes i notice it

but never mind

i hate growing up but i love it too
nothing else feels right
being young is all i know and all i'm comfortable with

it's slowly slipping away from me
i don't know how am i'm going to continue living
should i continue living?

i was surfing reddit and i saw this post on suicide watch - it felt good to know i wasn't the only one who didn't want to exist past 30 . i wonder if they're still alive? the post was 8 years ago

i wonder whether i will be alive - i mean does anyone want to live as a real adult or even be old
i hate it
life looks bleak, predictable, full of effort, monotone, repetitive

don't give me that you choose your life *******

what's wrong with me

The warmth of our passion
It sparked and I enjoyed the whiplash of fire looking forward to each time you burned me
For the pain against pain
Null.

How did I end up here again

Tell me who you are

scarily too good to be true
i see through it
it feels good
to see it
to read it

eyes are so important
but i feel that they're too relevant
but why is it a bad thing for eyes to be relevant
maybe it's the 21st century human nature to lust for irrelevant obscurity, to mask our own relevance
because relevance isn't short lived
and we all hate commitment

A form of creation craves creation

all I've ever known is a life of luxury
lavish and grand
gold and shiny
sheer darkness and value
it adorns my skin
apparent to all that see me in the way i carry myself
watch me walk past you, you'll be walking next to me if i want you to
it's only a matter of time

ever write something that made you feel breathless by the end of it?

i say writing is one of my ultimate passions and i'm always called out on my ability at English when i'm at college and people who appreciate my work but i struggle to get what's in my mind out and it's the worst struggle ever i mean i'm not exactly shy of expressing myself in fact i might sometimes overly express myself so what's the problem here?

waiting for someone to turn the key

I'm perfect and content in my world
But I crave the taste of another's
I'm comfortable with my own conflicts and pain
But nothing's as fun as inflicting conflicts on another person
And making them uncomfortable

Wait
What am I saying
I thought I was changing for the better
How could I be so casual about this
I forgot
I have to be normal for just a little while
So I guess I'll stop walking
And exit this forest
But I'll be back
One day
And I'll
Miss you little fox

Why has nostalgia got such a chokehold on me?????

Can we trace the lines on this broken mirror and find our way home?

Is perception a form of injustice?

Well ****

the day i stop having to explain myself may just be the day where i finally breathe in contentment
restriction restriction restriction
i feel trapped
only free to move within boundaries
no explanations
no responsibilities
i just want to create
and do
and make
go out there
independence
i'm working with what i got but i don't need
3 years well nearly 2 to wait....or so help me

It'd be nice if more people interacted with me on here

I've lost sight of what's important

I hate who I am
I hate who I have become

I wasn’t always like this
Or I guess I was never as bad as this

Maybe that is why my past haunts me
I lost something I once had
Something that came so naturally

I lost myself in many ways

But at the same time I’ve changed in so many ways for the better
Well better to some
Sometimes I feel like even the changes that are “positive” are not truly positive for me and who I am

I needed things to stay the same so i could be the same
I know change is good
But I feel like somewhere along the way I messed up and now I can’t even stand being around myself

Looking to the past is like undoing everything that has lead me up to the present day me
It’s like I can forget all the days leading up to my demise

So weightless
Drifting high way above the clouds
So breathless
Falling slowly far away from the clouds
So silent
Leaving the living slowly
So nothing.

i'm scared and i'm on edge

can anyone hear me?
or am i just screaming in to the void

Everything that I am today, right now, right this second is everything I wasn't
Everything that im not today, right now, right this second is what will make me