please tell me how i've managed to forge a connection like this with you
i'm just screaming on the inside
funny how i don't even know whether im talking about a person or a little habit i can't kick
whatever you are
you make me feel empty, intoxicated, and completely willing to give myself over
a little tilt of the head, maybe i'll throw in some empty eye action
and just hold myself, my arms draped across the most sensitive parts of my body
at most, caressing my neck

I feel stuck

was it real?

it all felt so real

i'm scared and i'm on edge

looking . i'm always looking for something
always tracing those lines on a chipped mirror, looking for the x that marks the spot

just to feel something
just to feel something
just to feel something

i feel something

do you feel something?
because that feeling left for me as fast as it came
i just can't quite hold on to it

i hate growing up but i love it too
nothing else feels right
being young is all i know and all i'm comfortable with

it's slowly slipping away from me
i don't know how am i'm going to continue living
should i continue living?

i was surfing reddit and i saw this post on suicide watch - it felt good to know i wasn't the only one who didn't want to exist past 30 . i wonder if they're still alive? the post was 8 years ago

i wonder whether i will be alive - i mean does anyone want to live as a real adult or even be old
i hate it
life looks bleak, predictable, full of effort, monotone, repetitive

don't give me that you choose your life *******

what's wrong with me

He ruined me

I let him ruin me

Just for one day
please
i just don't want to think

please
i need it to stop
i need to breathe

i need time on my own
to recover and become whole again

give me time
give me space to breathe

The feeling of my hand around my neck is so familiar to me
Like a mother’s touch

-
My nails scratch the surface of my tight skin
And they move back and forth, pacing gently
They wait so patiently

the hardest thing about growing up is not knowing what you mean when you say you're tired

i don't want us to ever grow apart

I hate who I am
I hate who I have become

I wasn’t always like this
Or I guess I was never as bad as this

Maybe that is why my past haunts me
I lost something I once had
Something that came so naturally

I lost myself in many ways

But at the same time I’ve changed in so many ways for the better
Well better to some
Sometimes I feel like even the changes that are “positive” are not truly positive for me and who I am

I needed things to stay the same so i could be the same
I know change is good
But I feel like somewhere along the way I messed up and now I can’t even stand being around myself

Looking to the past is like undoing everything that has lead me up to the present day me
It’s like I can forget all the days leading up to my demise

Sharing thoughts with complete strangers to either criticise, chew on, dismiss or appreciate or just an outlet that everyone can find solace in. Whether you are the writer, the reader, the dreamer, the listener.....

Why has nostalgia got such a chokehold on me?????

Do you think I’m crazy?

did you ever wake up and think, i'm going to paint my lips today, i want to sugarcoat them x

I’m
Hurting inside

I think the worst thing about the way I’m living these days is that my self destruction isn’t even fun

A feeling of elation
When you think back to old memories
We all love who we used to be
It makes me smile
And the people that I used to be around
It makes me sad to live in the past
But it makes me even sadder to live in the present
And just half sad when I think about the future
Because the future is always better
But it's sad sometimes
When you know that one day
The future will just be another sad present

to be by your side
is such a lovely place to cry

I've really ****** myself over
So much potential wasted
Because I wasn't careful with time
I played with time
I felt like I controlled it
When really
I'm a slave to time

Repeat the process

The most beautiful moment in life

on a Sunday afternoon I told him that I love him
it took him by surprise
but he said he loves me too
and I know that he truly meant it

I meant it too
I felt every emotion that comes with love and I felt it deeply
It does not matter to me that I have no idea whether it’s platonic or romantic love
It’s still love
And it felt good…it feels good
I went where my emotions lead me to and for once it wasn’t to a dark place

I feel happy
A love that’s not defined
It’s just pure

A person once said to me ‘what is love?’ and they didn’t ask it as a question because it just can’t be questioned
and at the time I didn’t understand but I do now

there isn’t an answer or a definition

today a tear slipped down my face, out of happiness
I have learnt a lot of lessons and I’m glad that I stayed alive to learn them and to keep feeling

I will complain about life tomorrow but at least I felt today. At least I have the hope that I will feel again another day

Thank you for letting me feel the warm rays of happiness on my skin once again

And in the end, nothing will ever matter

im just trying to live a different life

\ i could really use a friend
just this once

I want to be free

I'm perfect and content in my world
But I crave the taste of another's
I'm comfortable with my own conflicts and pain
But nothing's as fun as inflicting conflicts on another person
And making them uncomfortable

Wait
What am I saying
I thought I was changing for the better
How could I be so casual about this
I forgot
I have to be normal for just a little while
So I guess I'll stop walking
And exit this forest
But I'll be back
One day
And I'll
Miss you little fox

i wonder just how much our distance broke us
grey thoughts to red actions to nothing
a flame that barely licks at me now
a single flame
i don't always feel it
sometimes it burns
sometimes i notice it

but never mind

picture this
i'm bounding through a wood chipped floor forest
in america
everything is a deep green
with a picture of natural brown amalgamated with the black i mistake for brown
i shouldn't be seeing in colour
it's not something my species is used to
i'm only focused on myself
only i matter
primal,
animalistic ,
survival,
human

waiting for someone to turn the key

Tell me who you are

somewhere between the drink that burns my throat and Anderson Paak's voice, i find my thoughts drifting to the same place they always do

you wished for so much and you got it

scarily too good to be true
i see through it
it feels good
to see it
to read it

When I think about me I think about him

learning that marriage is sometimes like a horror film is hard
You learn it the hard way
Sure there was a an alright environment
But the truth when it was revealed was enough to crack the strain
The injustice that in the moment everything is plausible
But when you look back and realise your mistake, all you can do is apologise
******* go back in time, grab your past self and scream, scream as much as you can because it'll be silent because when you return from the past you'll revert back to old ways. Marriage is hauntingly beautiful and I guess it's just sheer luck

if not now, then when?

i miss being able to sleep
but my heart hurts when i'm not chasing the night

looking at the shattered tea cup on the floor feels so familiar
do you think if I reached out to touch it, that I would feel a gentle caress on my own skin?
-
if I swept it up
and heard it drag across across the floor
would I make a sound? what if I moaned ever so lightly?
how would that make you feel?
-
and if I left the shattered pieces to just lay there
would you pick them up?
I imagine you standing over them
towering, with your 6ft frame
-
I know you would see the beauty in the mess
you might smile
you might bend down for a closer look
maybe you would even touch me
of course you would
-
maybe I would ask you to
maybe I would beg for you to pick up a piece
maybe I would scream for you to clench your first around it and feel the stabbing pain that comes with blood flow

-
in the hallway of our minds place lays a shattered tea cup
and in the palm of our hands lays a piece of it
and in the gaze of our eye is one another
and the only name on your lips is mine

you're the closest thing i ever had to intimacy , maybe that's why i refuse to let go
every part of me is sickened by you
but i crave you in equal measure

do i love you because i love you?
or do i love you because you've been here since i was a child?
because i don't know anything else but you?

you're the closest thing to home
the thing is, home to me has always been somewhere i've ran away from
but i never forget home

I want to play a game with you
A twisted and deranged game
A strange, unknown pastime

You set my soul on fire

can anyone hear me?
or am i just screaming in to the void

you make me sick


so why do i still miss you?

Can we trace the lines on this broken mirror and find our way home?