1,2,3,4, 20 I hold my breath,
My heart beating the speed as if I was running.
I need air, the water pushing my body up.
I take a breath collect my self.
1,2,3,30 I keep holding my breath until my body tells me enough is enough, heart still racing, I come up for air and I'll I feel is myself alone once again, no one around to save me no one around to hold me. No one to see how much I'm hurting. It's just me and the water.

Everyday I want to slash through my skin, and I wonder what's stopping me?
Nothing is stopping me.
What people say and do is more hurtful than I can take.
What my own thought do to me.
No matter what I do I will never be good enough.
So why not?
Live another day in this pathetic world we call amazing?
Why?
Why can one never be good enough even for their own thoughts?
We are never safe or are we really living
So why be here?
Why keep breathing when you know deep down you don't want to breath again?

School has started 2 months ago,
I'm already feeling the way I do in January.
I hate this.
I hate you.

I'm crying, and I can't stop.
I'm sad and it won't stop.
The depression is getting worse.
The anxiety is getting worse.
Why is this happening?
I can't breath.
Why can't I breath?
I'm scarred.
Will tonight be the night I cut again?
I can't breath.

Everyday I come to realize it could be a better day.
Everyday it can be a better day.
But is it my better day?
Will it ever be my better day?
Sometimes I sit, wait and hope it becomes better.
And yet it hasn't been my better day.

We all struggle for the face of freedom,
But no one truly understands.
We all crave the feeling, the sight.
We all want to be free.

Where am I? Where should I be?
I'm standing here, looking out to sea.
The waves crashing, and yet all I think of is drowning.
I can't handle the sadness, I can't handle the pain.
He keeps touching, I try and pull away.
1,2,3,4 I'm left alone on the side of the road.
Trying to figure out what just happen
I got lost in my thoughts, and yet I didn't feel so alone.
I could feel him on me every single time I shut my eyes.
I'm lost, no one knows, I wanted help but I'd rather be alone.

Red, the color of blood, the color of my nails.
I paint my nails red so the thought of my blood is already there.
I want to slit my wrists , and yet I'm still here.
Can you see the pain? Can you understand?
I was hurt I was dead.
I am dead, and yet I'm still breathing.
If I died, truly died would you cry? Would you miss me?
If I died would I cry? Would I miss being alive?
I have all these questions.
No one understands my pain.
I'm broken, and they guys who touched me, who hurt me are the only reasons why.
I could handle being called names, getting made fun of, all that didn't matter.
Until the day I died but I was still alive.
I cut, I stopped eating.
Nothing ever got better.
Is it me? Why am I like this?
The smile you see is just as dead as me.

It's Christmas, it should be the best time of the year.
But it's not.
It hasn't been.
For the last few cheerful holidays, all I've been is sad.
But I've been truly dying inside.
For the last few holidays, the grinch has stolen my cheer.

I wasted two years on you.
Two years that I could've spent loving someone else.
You hurt me, the way you said you never would.
Why do you want me to think it's my fault?
Why do you think I'll be okay?
Thinking about makes me want to die.
I close my eyes and it's like I've already died.
You win, you broke me.

As I lay here, water surrounding my body,
All I can hear is my heart beating.
Slowly get up feeling weak,
I'm down.
Dizzy? Is it me or the water?
Feeling my heart race.
I'm numb, and I'm okay with it.
I want to feel This way forever.

Why am I here?
No one wants me here, so why am I?
I'm angry, I truly hate it here.
No one wants me around.
So why am I here?

You choose me, but gave me up.
You made me fall in love with you.
But than you left.
I thought it could have been real.
Yet I'm the one here still thinking of you.
           **Still wanting you.