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Dusti Baker Dec 2013
1,2,3,4, 20 I hold my breath,
My heart beating the speed as if I was running.
I need air, the water pushing my body up.
I take a breath collect my self.
1,2,3,30 I keep holding my breath until my body tells me enough is enough, heart still racing, I come up for air and I'll I feel is myself alone once again, no one around to save me no one around to hold me. No one to see how much I'm hurting. It's just me and the water.
Dusti Baker Jul 2015
Everyday I want to slash through my skin, and I wonder what's stopping me?
Nothing is stopping me.
What people say and do is more hurtful than I can take.
What my own thought do to me.
No matter what I do I will never be good enough.
So why not?
Live another day in this pathetic world we call amazing?
Why?
Why can one never be good enough even for their own thoughts?
We are never safe or are we really living
So why be here?
Why keep breathing when you know deep down you don't want to breath again?
Dusti Baker Nov 2014
School has started 2 months ago,
I'm already feeling the way I do in January.
I hate this.
I hate you.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
I'm crying, and I can't stop.
I'm sad and it won't stop.
The depression is getting worse.
The anxiety is getting worse.
Why is this happening?
I can't breath.
Why can't I breath?
I'm scarred.
Will tonight be the night I cut again?
I can't breath.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
I tried once.
Don't you remember?
I tried
It just couldn't be.
I tried to be human.
Can't you see?
Dusti Baker Nov 2014
I changed my hair.
I changed my hair to get over you.
yet you liked it more.
I changed
and yet you liked it more
I changed to get away from you.
but you just got closer.
I changed  to get away
And yet YOU still hurt me
Dusti Baker Dec 2014
Don't hurt me.
You say you never will.
I think I'm falling for you.
Slow at first than all at once.
You make me feel whole.
Like I'm not missing a piece of myself.
Is it always like this?
You're the first person I've officially dated in 4 years.
4 YEARS.
I'm a little rusty at this,
But if you hurt me it will be the end of this.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
We are humans.
We are designed to eat.
I stopped eating.
I hate eating.
I take a pill to loose weight.
I drink water.
I don't purge.
I just don't eat.
I don't want to.
If I could id stop drinking.
I'd stop everything.
I just want to be skinny.
I don't want to look like a whale anymore.
Dusti Baker Mar 2015
Everyday I come to realize it could be a better day.
Everyday it can be a better day.
But is it my better day?
Will it ever be my better day?
Sometimes I sit, wait and hope it becomes better.
And yet it hasn't been my better day.
Dusti Baker Nov 2014
I forgot the way it felt.
I forget the feeling I got, just touching the blade.
I forgot the way it makes a mark on my skin
How deep to push.
How the sting felt after
How great it felt just to feel the slightest bit of blood released
I forgot what it felt like to cut into my skin
I forgot the way the blood gushes to the surface
A year without made me forget
But a year without made me hate myself more
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
We all struggle for the face of freedom,
But no one truly understands.
We all crave the feeling, the sight.
We all want to be free.
Dusti Baker Dec 2014
*******,
I thought you're suppose to be family?
Family isn't suppose to make family feel like this.
Is it?
You make me feel like ****, when I already do.
You make me feel worthless, stupid, alone.
******* dad, for never being here and always letting me down.
******* mom for always picking favorites, it's hard not to notice.
******* Dylan for always being better than me, and rubbing it in my face.
******* Jesse for not loving me, only talking to me when you visit.
******* family for keeping my third brother away from me.
But hey isn't this what family is about?
Lies? Fake happiness? Being alone?
******* guys for letting me down.
I know I'm not perfect but I have reasons to be.
So you win, you win the fake laughs and smiles.
**You Win
Dusti Baker Nov 2014
My hearts racing,
I can't breath
I can hear my heart beating.
The blood gushing from valve to valve feeding my body.
When I die will that sound stop?
When I die will that feeling stop?
I could die to the sound and feeling of my own heart dying.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
Where am I? Where should I be?
I'm standing here, looking out to sea.
The waves crashing, and yet all I think of is drowning.
I can't handle the sadness, I can't handle the pain.
He keeps touching, I try and pull away.
1,2,3,4 I'm left alone on the side of the road.
Trying to figure out what just happen
I got lost in my thoughts, and yet I didn't feel so alone.
I could feel him on me every single time I shut my eyes.
I'm lost, no one knows, I wanted help but I'd rather be alone.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
A place you pretend to be happy.
A place you smile but you want to cry.
The place everyone puts you down for being different
Different is what I am
Different is all I know.
Why is it so hard to fit in?
Why does everybody hate me?
Why can't I be like everybody else and fit in?
I just don't understand.
Why we're punished.
Why we have to be fake to get through a day.
A  Day Of Hell.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
Red, the color of blood, the color of my nails.
I paint my nails red so the thought of my blood is already there.
I want to slit my wrists , and yet I'm still here.
Can you see the pain? Can you understand?
I was hurt I was dead.
I am dead, and yet I'm still breathing.
If I died, truly died would you cry? Would you miss me?
If I died would I cry? Would I miss being alive?
I have all these questions.
No one understands my pain.
I'm broken, and they guys who touched me, who hurt me are the only reasons why.
I could handle being called names, getting made fun of, all that didn't matter.
Until the day I died but I was still alive.
I cut, I stopped eating.
Nothing ever got better.
Is it me? Why am I like this?
The smile you see is just as dead as me.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
I look around,
I see happiness.
I look around,
I wonder if I'm the only one.
I look around and hope,
No one feels the way I do.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
I'm here aren't i?
I should be.
Or should I not be?
Help.
My mom found a note.
Not any kind of note.
THE NOTE.
She found the not what pronounced me dead.
She found my note.
That said "I just want to die"
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
It's Christmas, it should be the best time of the year.
But it's not.
It hasn't been.
For the last few cheerful holidays, all I've been is sad.
But I've been truly dying inside.
For the last few holidays, the grinch has stolen my cheer.
Dusti Baker Nov 2014
I feel like a book
A book I read everyday
But I only read a book once
Once it's over it's over
I'll take my time on this book
Once I'm finished I'll be dead
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
I love you,
But I'm done.
I'm done being the only one trying.
If you love me you will come back.
But I'm letting you go.
Bye my love.
It's time for me to let you go.
Dusti Baker Nov 2014
I wasted two years on you.
Two years that I could've spent loving someone else.
You hurt me, the way you said you never would.
Why do you want me to think it's my fault?
Why do you think I'll be okay?
Thinking about makes me want to die.
I close my eyes and it's like I've already died.
You win, you broke me.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
I just want to be seen.
I want to be looked at the way, you used to look at me.
I want to be looked at, like I was flawless and had no imperfections.
I don't want you, I want the thought of you.
the way you said you loved me, the way you would kiss me.
I don't need you, I just want you.
I adore you.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
As I lay here, water surrounding my body,
All I can hear is my heart beating.
Slowly get up feeling weak,
I'm down.
Dizzy? Is it me or the water?
Feeling my heart race.
I'm numb, and I'm okay with it.
I want to feel This way forever.
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
What am I?
Who am I?
Why cant I be normal?
Will I ever be normal?
Why can't anyone see me here?
Why can't anyone tell?
My mind is overwhelmed
Are you?
Or is it just me?
What am I?
I'm not friend.
I'm not a person.
So I must be a monster.
Can't you tell?
why
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
why
Why am I here?
No one wants me here, so why am I?
I'm angry, I truly hate it here.
No one wants me around.
So why am I here?
Dusti Baker Feb 2014
he told me my life was worthless.
he told me i should just **** myself, and I'm a terrible person.
how would he know that?
hes only talked to me twice.
he says he just gets that "vibe" and his vibes are never wrong.
am I a terrible person?
should i **** myself?
if someone who's only talked to me twice thinks this.
do others?
i have no words for what I'm feeling.
You
Dusti Baker Dec 2013
You
You choose me, but gave me up.
You made me fall in love with you.
But than you left.
I thought it could have been real.
Yet I'm the one here still thinking of you.
           **Still wanting you.

— The End —