To live with

To live without

My whole life is filled with doubt

Morning
Waking
Walking
Faking
Talking
Singing
Giving
Bringing
Dieing
Lying
People Crying
Comforting
Sleeping

then once again the sun comes up

and its morning

Lonely staring at these black walls
Empty spaces
Ghostly faces
Hopless wishes
Empty kisses

Wondering if anyone misses

me

I always had one thing to keep me steady
my mom
i know shes a drunk
but at least shes not an angry drunk like my dad
watching him hit her was the hardest thing growing up
it taught me i cant do anything
that i cant stop anything

Then again
my mom isn't helping me that much either
dad had a problem even i know that
but she didn't even try to help him
all she did was send him away
now my dad is in jail
she doesn't care about me
I wish my dad was here
at least he cared

Then i met josh
he was then sweetest boy you could met
but like my father
he was an angry drunk
he use to hit me
but he would always apoligize
and instead of not trying like my mom
I tried to help him
and I fell in love

Josh broke up with me one day
he texted me and said
I'm sorry baby but this is not gonna work
I couldnt believe it
my whole life i spent working with him
he was my life
he was my everything
and without him i didnt want to live

On that night
I was talking to Nina Worsley
and Chloe Jackson
they helped me survive that night

I was getting by fine without Josh
I even met a new boy Korri
but recently
hes been texting me
asking for me back
last night he told me my brother wanted to be part of his gang
he wanted me to meet him to talk about it
so i went

but when i saw him i fell in love all over again
and i want him back
and he will take me

Someone please tell me
What do i do next?

When i saw your skin
all i could do was remember its warmth

when i saw your hair
all i could do was remember how it felt under my fingers

when i looked in your eyes
all i could see was how many times i got lost in them

When i saw you
I fell in love all over again

I saw you
and now i know
I will never let you go

It's fathers day

and yet my father is the only one who ever hurt me

but he is also the only one who ever loved me

its very confusing

because I love him and he loves me

but his way of showing things

is seen by others crazy

I would rather have a card saying I love you

then a punch in the eye

since they mean the same thing to you

but now your in jail

far away

and now im crying on my living room couch

with a tube of ice cream

praying that you where here

to show me you love me

even if that meant hitting me

I miss you daddy

and I love you even though you hurt me

Happy fathers day

I love you daddy

I have a friend
whose world is falling apart
she feels as if someone is tearing at her heart
and thats not the worst part

the worst part is no one noticed
no one saw she was hiding behind glass walls
and we didnt care
stare
wonder
or even try
long enough to notice

I have a nother friend
who i knew was hurting when I saw her
I tried to get into her heart
see the real her
when i did i felt amazing

I wish i could say the same about my other friend
but shes not listening
she is so caught up in trying not to cry
trying to stay strong
but crying is what she had to do all along
she is hurting yet no one cares enough to listen
she is dead
and no one checks her for a pulse
she is no longer living
and now no one cares
she is dead on the inside
shes scared
but she doesnt have a mother to comfort her
and her fathers never home
she doesnt have a friend to lean on
because no one looks at her close enough to know
she has no where to go
but inside
and she never lets it show
in the words of frozen
its time to let it go

Our relationship is like my internet connection
sometimes its strong
while others I wonder why I even pay the internet bills

You sent me flowers today
I have to say I love the bouquet
but why does the card say You still ****
instead of saying
*I love you baby

You leave me wondering
if you have changed your feelings about me
so i try to move on
but when i do
people tell me it was to fast the way i got over you
that i never really cared about you
and yet I'm still in love with you
and this new guy
he probably cares about me as little as you do
and yet when I'm with him all i can think of
Is me and you
and that was my one day
of trying to get over you

Lies
    You always say you love me, but hurt is all that is coming.

Only hurts me
     You leave the relationship smiling happy. While I'm in the dirt crying about what we could be.
Vanish
     After out break ups you tend to disapear  until you 'need' me

E**nd.
       I wish that part was true, I'm still in love with you

I
Miss
YOU*

and now you are texting me
telling me *baby I love you
I cant live without you
I need you
and the only thing you didn't say
was I'm sorry i hurt you

you texted me
I'm sorry baby forgive me,
it was the acohol talking
and now once again I dont know what to think

People say these things take time

Well here I am waiting

I wanna get over you



But I can't climb that high

I love how people talk about how there parents are so mean
and how they hate there fathers and mommies
Those people wont survive a day
living as me

Am I crazy?
         staying up all night
        Remebering how you felt next to me
Am I crazy
         Thinking about your hair
          and how it always feel perfectly
Am I crazy
             Wanteing you to be here with me
             Even though you would hurt me constantly
Am I crazy
               Wanting you to be there when I have our baby?

When Life gives you lemons
make orange juice
and leave the world wondering how you did it

I miss you
And I know I shouldn't
I know everyone says u couldn't
Be the love of my life
My mind agrees
But heart doesn't
Because when I see you my heart starts to race
It's not something I can explain
And it's nor about your looks
Igg
It's you
You're the one in in love with
I wish it wasn't true
Im in love with you

I want to sleep
but I keep smelling your cologne on my pillow

I'm waiting for you
but when you come I will just walk away
you hurt my more than you know
but my heart wont go
from you
theres nothing I can do
I hate it but
I'm in love with you

I'm sitting by the phone
waiting for you to call
so I can hang up on you again

Head

          spinning


                   Eyes

                            watering


                                     heart  



                                                 slowing


                                          can you see me?

I'm under water screaming for someone to save me


I'm



       drowning

                                        can you see me?

I'm right in front of your face
yet you cant see my pain
I cry every night
yet all you can say is its gonna be alright
yet you don't even know what's wrong with me
I'm screaming
                                        **can you see me?

I'm sitting here thinking about you

what hurts me the most

is knowing your not thinking about me too

My thohugts are lkie satrs
taht cnat from
    a **constellation.

Winding down a lonely road
No where to go
I feel you looking down
Hear Me Now

you threw me to the floor
and yet all I know how to do is ask for more
I left you
and now my heart is screaming the only thing I know how to do
I want you

I thought you where bad
but then I realized the absence of you is worse

My body wants you
but my souls says your wrong
I don't know how long this can go on

When someone is freaking out people say just breath
what if breathing isn't something
I want to continue doing

That old saying
" I can't live without you, but I cant live with you*"
actually has meaning

I hate missing you
when I know I shouldn't
I hate loving you
when all you have done is hurt me
mentally and physically
I hate loving you
I need something to stop me
because I know your no good for me
and yet my body craves you laying next to me

You make me wonder what I would be like

If you hadn't comed in and changed my life

if you hadn't made everything that's wrong seem right

or if you didn't trick me into believing in love in first sight

or if you did teach me death

because I died when you left me

So I guess that means my question is answered

without you in my life I would be like a cancer survivor  

without the cancer

I wish I could undo history
so that I never met you

but then again without
I wouldn't have anyone to lean onto

I'm trying to sleep
but all I can do feel your absence

When we kissed it sent electricity throw my bones
it sent waves of adrenaline through me
none stopping
and that feeling
called me

so every night I went to your room
and every day I was your punching bag
you where the on thing I couldn't live without
but I literally cant live with you
because you where killing me

Those kisses of electricity
gave me frost bite
colder than a winter night
they sent fear through me
I didn't know
I couldn't see how you where hurting me
All I could do was imagine that that frost bite was cold because of me
I did something to make things turn badly
and sadly I couldn't get out of this mess
I couldn't believe
you would ever mean to hurt anybody

then my angles came to help me

They talk uncomfortably

about the way things should be

and small-town gossip

and big-world dreams,

after the insanity is ended

and hot-heads still steam,

Cold dinner on a plate

push it with the fork,

still tastes like hate

It’s hard to swallow

when collie-flower tastes

like sorrow;

Push in your chair

and walk up the stair

Your friend walks past and you

smile although

he knows

that the tears are impending

but he’s pretending not to see

the fragile autocracy

of an independent heart

broken to pieces,

fallen apart.

The facade of a grin

and the Everything’s fine

while you’re screaming within

and losing you Mind-

What a curious condition

that only Man can find;

withholding emotion

to shut out assistance

intriguing resistance

to a fight that is not there!

but up you go

to the top of the stair

and tell your family

that you don’t care,

nothing’s the matter

while inside you steadily

become sadder,

and you feel

sick to the core

just thinking about it,

close the bathroom door

(gently as to not make a fuss)

and you make sure it’s secure

before

you start to cry

the weight of the world

took a rest on your chest

and as you cry

you come to realize

you only cry in the bathroom

You can know what a word means
but you have to feel it to know what it is

Your love fills my ego
but my ego has been Anorexic lately

Smoe tiems tihngs

jsut dno’t mkae

sense.

Try to run from it but

the ground is

a treadmill. Try

to fight it but

you’re punching

a brick wall. Try

to hide from it but

it’s impossible to hide

from my need for you.

As I gaze into the night sky,
My dreams allow me to fly.
I do not fly to what other people might consider charms.
I only fly into your strong, protective arms.

As a reality my dream begins to seem,
My racing thoughts become meek
Of fantasies between you and me,
And I know, now, that you have set me free.

My body grows numb,
As a nightmare, my dream begins to become.
Frozen eyes and pitiful sighs
Fill my world as they hear my cries.

Everyone knows how I feel,
And they know your heart I cannot steal.
As I pretend it’s okay to only be friends,
I know it is you on which my heart depends.

Since my feelings I am able to hide,
You cannot see the true pain inside.
And even though you know of the crush,
Of these feelings, my lips I will continue to shush.

you looked at me
from the passenger seat
with so much love in your eyes
you started to speak
but my tears of sorrow
washed away your words

I knew you wanted to tell me then...

how much you loved me
and give your formal goodbye
until we meet again
in another space and time

but no words needed to be spoken
I just knew, I just knew...

remember when I called you up
and then couldn't talk
the only sound between us
the fatal ticking of the clock

I wanted to tell you then...

how sorry I was for all I had done
how badly I wanted a do over
but the words didn't come

I'll never forget the night
that changed our lives forever
darkness descended
the well ran dry
no more tears
no more tears left to cry

I wanted to tell you then...

I know you are hurting
I'm hurting too
please don't do this
we'll make it through
but no words came
and I lost you
tell me where did you go
I lost you...

when I'm dead and gone
will these words be
all that are left of me
a written legacy
my final ministry

I will tell you then
I will tell you then...

When is it time to say goodbye,
To all the love I've known,
When is it time to end your pain,
And leave me all alone?

I've watched you on your good days when
I feel your strength renewed;
But shortly after little ups,
The down days then ensue.

We ride this roller-coaster of
Emotions as we try,
To make it through another day,
And yet, I can't deny ...

That as I look into your face
On days that have been bad,
I see a look that beckons me
It's tired, and hurt, and sad.

The little spark I used to see
Behind those loving eyes,
Is growing ever clouded
By life's cruel inhumane side.

I try to see beyond the pain
You feel with every step;
And softly whisper to myself
This may get better yet.

If I can bear to watch you
Just another day or two;
I justify my reasons to
Ensure I cling to you.

For letting go is harder for
The person left behind;
It means that if I let you go,
I cannot turn back time.

Back to the days I long for now,
When you were full of life;
And every day held promise,
And our futures, clear and bright.

But now the lights are darkening ...
We take it daily now;
I cannot see our futures clear
Or think beyond this cloud.

I think the hardest part in this
Is never knowing why,
I have to be courageous
And I have to say goodbye.

For if I let myself admit
It's time to let you go;
I'd have to face reality
Without you ... but I know ...

That soon I have to face the
Final outcome that I dread,
And holding on will only serve
To hurt you in the end.

You've given such unselfish love
For all our time in life,
But if I hold too tightly,
You'll not move t'ward the light ...

On to a better life, where you
Can once again be free,
Of all the pain and discomfort
That holds you here to me.

So if I find the courage just to say
This last farewell,
I hope you will forgive me for
The time it took me; still ...

I'll hold with me, the memories
That in my heart remain,
Pray one day, down the road a'ways
... They'll lesson my own pain.

If these walls could talk,
you'd know my body is dead,
my mind has been taken over,
that's why I am so scared,
I can't control it,
anger is making me blind,
I've been left here on my own
chained to a hate of some kind.
If these walls could talk.

If these walls could talk,
you'd know about my fears,
about all those nights I screamed for help,
about all my fallen tears.
You'd know about the demons
haunting me at night,
you'd be able to help me
keep my fire alight,
if these walls could talk.

If these walls could talk
they would say that it's all right,
God sends His angels
to look over me at night.
They'd encourage me,
say though I am alone
it doesn't mean I'm on my own.
He watches me, from above
and showers me with all His love,
if only these walls could talk.

You see the pain that lies in her eyes,
But her eyes are dry,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see the anger that burns from her gaze,
The madness that sets her eyes ablaze,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see the fear that closes her eyes,
The smile she wears is but a disguise,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see the hope that is finally dead,
She cannot trust for her heart has been bled,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see the love that lies within,
But she shall never love again,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see death's hand that has glazed her eyes,
No one saw her die inside,
They won't cry.
No, they won't cry.

"As I look back on my life
I find myself wondering...
Did I remember to thank you
for all that you have done for me?
For all of the times you were by my side
to help me celebrate my successes
and accept my defeats?
Or for teaching me the value of hard work,
good judgement, courage, and honesty?
I wonder if I've ever thanked you
for the simple things...
The laughter, smiles, and quiet times we've shared?
If I have forgotten to express my gratitude
For any of these things,
I am thanking you now...
and I am hoping that you've known all along,
I am thankful mom, that you were always around

People never knew just how much he meant to me and you
They knew him by name, but it's still not the same

His eyes so bright, his smile so wide
We always let him know we were right there by his side

Now he's gone from me and you
Now we have no reason to be blue

We loved him, he loved us
And we have to try not to fuss

He said goodbye and gave you a kiss
Now all we can do is reminis

Why does God take the best to love
Up to that great big world up above?

His memory will never leave
His kind and gentle smile will always be seen

Never forget him, never let him leave your mind
Tell him you love him, just one more time.

How is it that I never saw your wings
when you were here with me?
When you closed your eyes and soared
to the Heavens I could hear the
faint flutter of you wings as you left.
Your body no longer on this side
your spirit here eternally I see your halo shine.
I close my eyes and see the multicolored wings
surround me in my saddest moments and my happiest times.
Mother my angel God has given you your assignment
always my mother forever my angel.
You fly into my dreams and when I am asleep
I feel your wings brush against my face wiping away
the tears I shed since I can no longer hold
you in my arms but in my heart.
You earned those wings dear mother
and you will always be me angel eternal.