i licked, smacking my lips,
the frosting off of a
cinnamon bun
for the first time since
june of 2011;

it tasted bittersweet,
just like i remembered it last.

the only sweetness was
remembering that the night
we split one for the two of us,
was also the night when two
souls became one.

it took courage and true love
to eat something i didn't like to begin with.

the bitterness was
a combination of thoughts
and feelings of
betrayal and replacement,
just like the dough.

*it took everything to eat all of it,
it took everything to forget you.

It's funny how I haven't seen you in a year
Yet I still feel the need to explain myself
As I regurgitate all of my fears
In the middle of the calmest night
While my eyes grow more tired
And seeing your pupils make mine dilate

Maybe medication is the answer for me
I'm sure I'd like it a lot more
If you shoved pills down my throat daily
Than all of the words you put in my mouth

Teeth ground to dust
Dirt, where it lies
6 feet under    wringing    hands
Ringing knell,    bells burned into
Ears popping vessels out to sea
Storms making waves causing wrecks
Biting nails between teeth
Ground to   dust.

Every single time I think of you
it is never directly of you.

It always is the red potatoes
sprinkled with rosemary.

It is lit cigarettes on fire escapes.

it is record players,
and scrabble matches.

It is the look on the cab driver's face
as I forced you in his cab
when you got too drunk
on the fourth of july.

It is the ride back home,
over the Brooklyn Bridge.

It is Fireworks exploding
into chandeliers of light,
in the distance,
as you're passed out,
and I'm crying
because I miss my mother.

Your ****** soul never made up
For your cold heart

You're a harlot
Without a cause