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zoey May 2017
everybody's hurting me for their own gain.
i haven't done anything wrong.
all i try to do is live on peacefully
but yet my skin is always black and blue
why is it always my fault?

the problem child, the awful child, its always her fault
completely ******* useless, will never do anything, why do i bother?

i haven't said a word
and yet its always my fault
and you wonder why i harm myself.
its because of you
and your words that cling
words that sting
i feel like my heart is black and blue
just like my arms

does it ever get better
zoey Apr 2017
you'll blame yourself for everything. when she cries, when she screams, when she harms herself. you'll think you're the reason for every bit of pain she feels when honestly she doesn't even know why she's in pain

2. you'll deal with her pushing you away. she'll constantly tell you that she's awful and you'll tell her no while she says you guys should stay separate. it'll be confusing for a while but you'll get used to it

3. you'll hear her say "lets break up" a million times and you know she doesn't mean it. she just wants you to not be in as much pain as she is. you know you're her anchor. she just wants everything to stop spinning

4. you'll deal with her thinking you're her whole world. you're her sun and moon and stars and her love. you feel like its overwhelming at first but then it doesnt stop being like that.

5. you'll love all the happy moments you have together because she's an absolute joy when she's happy. she's like the sun and she shines so brightly. the rainy days have ended for a bit. its only partly cloudy. she's the sun peaking through.

6. you'll deal with hurting too. when you fight, it feels like it's never ending. she won't stop pushing you away and you keep repeating that you'll be there for her because you love her. but that's not good enough for either one of you. it ends with a lot of hugging or crying

7. you'll deal with her eventually crying all the time. she says she's getting worse. you fight all the time. all you guys want is for this to work. is this what love is? if so then why does it hurt so much?

8. you'll eventually break up because she pitched the idea to you. she always cared about your feelings more. you keep saying how much its not the thing to do but deep down you both know its right. she just wants you to be happy. you want her to be happy. but now, it seems like just a concept. a fake idea.

9. you'll listen to her talk to you about how much this hurts when its late at night. you'll feel upset with yourself and she'll cry all night. it's not right when she pushes you away. all you want was to keep in contact with her. this isn't fair. why is she blaming you? why is it your fault?

10. you'll eventually stop talking. it'll stop hurting. and you'll forget her name by the time you're 20 and she'll forget to rely on anyone again. you both win. it wasn't a happy ending

you'll always find someone new
i'm still hurting
zoey Sep 2016
It has gotten to the point where being alone is my only choice
It has gotten to the point where they forgot about me
I have been here for years and now they treat me as if I am an empty shell on a crowded beach
I don't want you to try to hear the ocean in me
I want you to hear my cries while I'm being drowned
one more year to go
zoey Apr 2014
i hate myself for hating them
so i'll have hatred in me forever
until i die out just like the rest
because life will guarentee me
that one day my body will rot
and no matter how conceited we are
our biological clock is ticking
because we are only mortals
life is fragile and will one day end
i'm not sure how long must i wait
but we can't escape definite end
sometimes we think we are invincible
but thats the most wrong
we can ever think
everything beautiful dies
everything ugly dies too
*and that is so beautiful
  Apr 2014 zoey
I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

zoey Aug 2013
I hang up my cape
Fold away my costume
And while a smile lives on my face
I tear off my skin
and I burn the rest
Now I am just a skeleton
who wanders the city
who relives old memories
who watches everyone else
Their blurry eyes become gray
So oxygen swallows them whole
Now my bony fingers begin art
And glass breaks on the floor
because I am spineless
Just like the rest of them
i deserve this eternally

— The End —