I hear the bells as well my friend
Those knocks upon the door
That never should be opened
To the faint,.. of that I'm sure.
And friend, I too, I dress in white
To contrast the blackened span.
I too feel nauseous at the sight
Of the passionless hearts of man.
So I've kept company with a soul
Whose thoughts are so absurd
They tapped until they formed a hole
With taps I never heard.
Where stars, ideas, and ghosts collide
Then tumble out to space
With all the agonous shrills that died
To never find their resting place.  
I chase perfection in my brain
Where the mad race has no end.
And deem myself quite insane
Just like you,  my evil friend!

I lived in Resolve.
Such a quiet and beautiful place.
Bountiful air; restricted space.
An intusscepted portal.
Until a very peculiar slant of light,
With heavenly spin; point just right,
Pierced my singular soft spot
(through sheets held tight)
And made me mortal.

Appropriate hello and thank you
With the offer of a shower
Not known for weeks.
Shakes so fine you could call them
Vibrations.
Brittle bone ******* on white skin
Near death he was.
Hungry, dope sick, and dying
Right in front of me.
And I watched that locked bathroom door
As one waits for another's last breath
Quiet, still, patient.
Until the water turned off
And then I retreated a bit
As if to offer some tiny bit of dignity
Shoving half a leftover cake into ziplocs
For his exit.
Reminding myself I'm such a hypocrite
To think I've got it all together
That he is somehow less than me.
Truth is we are all a ******* mess
All with our own unique addictions
Fighting over and over again
With personal demons
That we made ourselves and
Losing every time.

So many fleeting ideas
Came and went
But I waited.
For that one moment
That one redefining moment
That would change everything
And it did.
And still I just waited
And the moment passed.

My advice to anyone reading this:
When your moment comes,
When your heart is screaming "take a shot!"
Take the shot.
Do not wait.
That moment will not come again.

The crickets chirp for me tonight
Trees darker than the sky
The only other sound is that
Of the traffic passing by
At will my mind can block that out
Until just those crickets be
But the thoughts! T'would be mercy
If heaven did the same of thee.

Please allow me time
Time to untangle myself
From all the trappings
You set for me
The hidden ones
And the ones I gladly walked into
Just to love you.
Time to detach every fiber
Of myself from yours
So I can feel whole as one again
Time to regain the strength
So I can move
Time for my heart to steady
And my wounds to close
And my head to stop reeling
Time to be myself again
And to be content with that.

Partial or impartial; the blessings of God?
For if known love; known still the rod.
Gods favors to all each evenly so?,
Or blanketed for the whole world to know?
All; vice and virtue, foe and friend,
Fortune and fall; All must contend.
Wake to a most wondrous sight;
Still the tears will come at night.
Hands have touched that loved me so;
Likewise hands I did not know.
The fulcrum; sane to quite insane
Swings from loss to swing toward gain.
The middle stillness? A heart content at rest?
When the swinging stops;  is that when we are blessed?
Pushed or pulled by a higher guide?
Or is it all chance that's left to decide?
Moved alone by the will inside?
Or purely by the force of nature's pride?
We long for shrieks of ecstasy, for pleasure that won't last.
Just to shiver in the shadows that tragedy will cast.
All the questions with no answers got,
To think upon or think upon not.

Was the prize as grand as you dreamed?
Or not as beautiful as it seemed
From afar; As hope designed
To delude yet another feeble mind.
As distance adds hues to mortal sight.
And man teaches man that wrong is right.
Just as a scratch on a precious stone,
The value of it changes once it's known.
How noble a king until he is felled,
How low sinks the star that you once beheld.
Oh! The hope! But at once the gain....
Can never return to hope again!

They've been tossed around alot;
I myself have thrown some too;
Right back from whence they came;
Except for the ones from you.
Those... I tucked in my coat pocket;
The very best and brightest kind,
Like the most beautiful diamonds,
Anyone could ever hope to find.
And yet, even with the care I kept
I could not find them later on
Just like post-parade street trash
So very quickly they'd be gone.
Maybe if they weighed a bit more
Or if they weren't so paper-thin,
I wouldn't find just an empty pocket
Where my keepsakes should've been.

I know it wasn't you.
Just the demon inside
That took me for its prey.
And changed your view
Of me,  to one who lied,
So he could have his way.

I know it wasn't you.
Just the demon inside
That wouldn't go away.
You did what you had to.
Strike to ****... then hide
But I loved you anyway.

When we meet on the other side
When chaotic thoughts have flown
We will love with such a clarity
This world has never known.

Ill rest my head here for a while...
Laying here wondering how she has me so beguiled,
When i think of her I always smile,
Time with her eternal, away I revile,
I want to *** in her but make no child.  Boom ya!

A gaping chasm
Vacuuming in the air
It hurts.
My heart.

A furrow set upon your brow,
My heart just could not bear.
Certain to break the more, if I,
Were the one to place it there.
For who I would be to take a life
And scar it with my own?
To keep it, I must sacrifice
The only love I've known.
And so, before the altar's lit
I will ask you dear.... to go
Please go while you still love me
Just go my darling, go

The only one who prioritized me
Never even existed
What do you do with that?
Chew on it.

The time I have left with you
Will not be marred by hope
But rather acceptance.
Our final days will become
Snapshots inside my head
I will memorize your voice
But most importantly
I will treat your pain
And tell you that I love you.
I will hold your feeble hands
Within the warmth of my own
My face will be fearless
And my eyes will be dry
It is the least that I can do.

When a mothers heart is broken
Even the angels weep
No single word be spoken
As still as the ocean deep
Industry halts in reverence
The sun hoods its great eye
When a mothers heart is broken
The birds wont even fly
When a mothers heart is broken
The clocks stop out of shame
Natures shades are drawn
And heaven does the same.
Onlookers retreat with pity
The wind dares not to blow
When a mother's heart is broken
The whole world seems to know

I have traveled on Route 66
Where opportunists passed before
Been up and down State Route 1
Along the California shore
Made the trips along I-90
Back and forth, east to west
Drove a decade or more away
With very little rest.
Saw a giant freeway moon
And felt God on 89A
I got to all my destinations
And found myself along the way.
Been all around the country
It's in my blood to roam.
And no other place will ever do.
The highway is my home.

Oh but yet another drunken spillage
Onto a quiet hidden page
Pieces moving all around
While I am filled with rage
A soul barely lived
And begging for a span
So barely loved amongst
The mediocre man.

When the knife just won't ****
And the bough won't even break
When the wind stays still
And there's nothing left to take
When passion has no power
And hope's wings are cut
When life is in it's final hour
And the mind's eyes are shut
No matter
No matter
No matter then
Where heart or soul or feet have been.

We used to climb trees.
Scramble up them with our friends
There wasn't anything in those trees we needed
Nothing waiting to be claimed on the highest branch
It was just a tree
And we climbed it for fun's sake
Coming home with splinters,
Scraped knees and embedded dirt.
And the next day, guess what we did?
We climbed the ******* tree again.
Until the world taught us fear
And the tree wasn't fun anymore.
And so it goes on and on really.
Until simple seems so difficult
That we no longer have the courage
To truly live.

'Tis nothing but a chasm now
Much easier to melon ball out the rest
Than try to refill it.

When all the stars are in their proper place
And the dead ones have given up their space
When equality and equity are one and the same
And goodness is sought for in place of fame
When we are able to redact our every mistake
And truly learn lessons from every heartbreak
It will be the day when the immortals die
And their souls rise up to embrace the sky

The day is coming soon or late
When all this matters no more
I'll chuckle when I contemplate
What all the worry was for.
All the struggle was wasted time
The prayers were pointless too.
Meaningless also; every rhyme.
Everything I did or didn't do.
The silent agonous cries at night,
The tears that were shed for naught,
Every smile, joy, and beautiful sight,
When that day comes, will be forgot.

We understand each other, he and I.
Tragedy can do that.
So when I see his eyes shine up a bit...
I look away.
And when my lower lip trembles
He does the same for me.
I know what songs he will need
A shot to get through.
And he knows to let go of my hand
When the sadness comes on too strong.
We are each others memories.
Those really special ones.
Each others alternative
To the loves we once had
Loves that changed us.
We share the same knowledge
That love like that won't come twice.
We don't hope or pray for it.
We don't have to expect it.
So when he kisses my temple and whispers, " It will be ok," I do the same for him.
We hold each other up when the
Balance is lost in our minds.
We are naked and beautiful.
Because there is nothing left for either of us to lose,
Or gain,
Or recover.
We just get to be part of the lonely hearts club band together.
Just passing the time until time passes.
Sharing lonely beds,
Overcooked food,
Knowing gazes,
And pity.
Jigsaw puzzles,
JJ Grey,
And "let me pass," kisses.
We tell the same stories over and over
Because we forget we told them.
I like that.
His cat likes me too.
Shine on you crazy ******' diamond,
And I will shine on you.

Here....
We celebrate genuine
We admire raw uncensored love
We understand it takes more courage to expose yourself than to hide
We don't applaud actors, we pity them
Here....
We don't wipe tears away, we dance underneath them
Here.....
Is an easy place to be
But so few come
This is the place where inertia
Is found while being still
And divinity smiles
Where brokenness is beautiful
And filters are unnecessary
Fear and pride are allowed in and yet
They will never accompany you out
This is where spirit meets body
And acceptance is born
Where wisdom comes to cast itself off
And admittance of ignorance is prized
Wind moves us here as was intended
Where we set down things we have carried too long
Where breath and freedom are identical
The purest form of joy is here
Where real becomes reality
The place you can go to anytime
And choose to never leave.
Who would want to anyway?

Now the scales are shifted
I am weighted; you are light
A simple inverted victory
You won without a fight
Because I loved you first
Pride in silence be,
I (for you) would look away
Please do the same for me.
I am sinking faster now
While buoyantly you rise.
Elated, full, and sated
By misporpurted eyes.
Whether I loved first or last
Oh to love at all!
But to be the one who loved alone
'Tis what makes the balance fall.

The only thing to do now
Is try to avoid the pain
Fill up the hours right until
My last breaths start to wane
Then use that sacred moment
Just as life begins to drain
To return to all I knew of beauty
And to see your face again.

And he said. "I'm afraid that one day you will wake up and realize that you are wasting your time on me."

And I thought to myself, he doesn't even know that I knew that from day one.

But I have always loved wasted time.

Hell, the best times that I remember are the ones where I was wasted.  

Wasted with people who didn't know me at all.

Just a jumble
By a troubled mind
Or perhaps a tired one
Who looks through frosted glass
For all the parts to make the whole
Of you.
Collecting your past acts
And contrary present,
All of your tells and words,
Truths and indescrepancies
The slightest of body language
To form an image of a soul
That is unknown
And upon finding the concoction
Rather plain
I can add a little smoke
Or a little drink
And quite simply
Take all those pieces apart
Study them; scrutinize them up close
Until they all blur and skip a bit
Then rearrange them all
Repeating this process
Of infinite possibilities
Until the result is either too beautiful to truly love,
Or too hideous to abandon.
This is how I determine who you are.
By how I construct you
And how I perceive you
In this light or that.
In limitless dimensions,
You easily become
Someone I can love or hate
Hold or let go of
Regard or disregard
I can do this forever.
You are irrelevant.

The tiny monsters used to come and play
In my backyard most every day
Controlled with just a stare.
Then little monsters started stopping by
A bit more evil in their eye
Controlled now with a glare.
But the bigger monsters, well they came at last
And I, with no more looks to cast,
Grabbed the nearest gun.
And without a thought of the fatal game
One quick finger and perfect aim
I killed all but one.

The hands that will touch me now
Will be calloused
But they will not hurt me
Not like your slow hands
That massaged in a poison
Without me ever knowing
No. The hands that will touch me now
Will belong to a monster
Without a disguise.
That's bravery.  That's love.

it was that last shot
That exposed you
Oh yeah a little Seagrams
Can bring out the best in all of us baby
But no worries
That ugliness will be excused
right?
Every woman before me excused it
Hmm
Too bad I am a different kind of woman
So what do I say when you ask......
"Babe I'm feeling sad right now. Can you help me with my feelings?"
After no consideration (because I know right from wrong)
I respond
AYFKMD?
Then I leave.
Easy.

Let me live no longer than
The last leaf left to fall
No longer than the songbird
Who still has a mate to call
Not a minute past the wordsmith
Who can no longer write for ill
No please take me well before
The heart runs out of thrill
Let me live no longer than
The second-to-last bell ringing
No longer than a perfect soul
Decides to give up its own singing
Not a moment past the revelation
There are some we can not save
Let me know nothing of hope's demise
Before I hit the grave.
Come sooner than all the loss ahead
It be so unfortunate to wait
Take me now my dearest Lord
Just as love turns into hate.
Before the winter brings a chill
And a furrow sets the brow
Realizing it was all for naught
Take me soon, God, take me now!

The holding on is over now
You have let me go
Just as trees give up their leaves
Slowly, surely
I knew it would be this way
That I wasn't strong enough
To release you first
I never wanted to give up
On that eternal summer
That beautiful season
Of hope and loving
When nothing mattered more
Than being in your arms
When my heartbeat increased with the miles on my way to you
I play in the sun with those memories from time to time
When it's quiet and my mind allows it
Wearing fleece lounge pants that... (like me)
You never wanted.

The bindings.
The encasements.
Tendons twisting
The tight slipknots
As we squirm
And entrap us all
In miniscule minds
Minuscule thoughts
Until the sickle
sets us free.

I took the bait that dangled
Starving as I was.
For a taste of something new.
Made a challenge of accepting
An imagined captivity.
I could make a habit out of this.  
A willing slave.  
And just stay, learning.
Learning your motivation,
Your sins.
Intriguing as it is...
It is not harmless.
Not for the Master,
Who underestimates
His captor.

When the coffee turned into tea
And she was faced with that real-i-ty
Her world suddenly stopped spinning.
The walls rushed in... not one by one
The ceiling fell in to shut out the sun
And she called this the beginning.
Of life without truth and reason
Over and over...no change of season
Would ever breech the tomb within.
And over time she did go blind
Left with only the echoes of her mind
And she was never seen again.

The atmosphere has always pulled on me
Like a single sparkle in tall grass at night
To discover the flight of soul
It whispers of great things in the wind
Tugging always against my gravity, the
world, and what is called reality.
I must learn to fly.

To know the subject of the words
Makes no difference don't you see
Be it river, lover, universe
All be but the same to me.

How is it that the days get longer
Yet shorter be the years?
Just how does a very old memory
Bring about brand new tears?
Why do some things never dissipate;
Others? .....always vapor be?
How do we blindly move along,
And yet stall when we can see?
How dare the moon eclipse the sun,
When it's the sun that outs the moon?
Why does some sadness stay so long,
While joy always leaves too soon?

You smile
Your pride pumps
You feed on my dying self
You killed me
Genius

It's just like sluggish raindrops
The way they slowly trickle in
All those memories we had to tuck away
To begin
To begin...again.

A 12x12
With 8 ghosts of her.

The painted coffee table
She made while she was able

The seashell-plastered jewelry box
The turtle formed from broken rocks

The tile crab picture with the wooden frame
The blessing plaque that holds the family name

That second fence she had put in  
For extra safety's sake
And the one thats always watching
Watching every move I make.

It is the fickleness of man
That I hate the most.
No one cultivates anymore.
They just give up because it's easy.
No one ever becomes too valuable to lose.
We just keep starting over
And moving on and on
Complaining the whole way
How we never got what we wanted.
Shameful,  that as human beings
With the greatest ability to truly love,
That we rarely do.

Among the scattered granite
Kneels a concrete angel
Watching over the stillness
Of the sacred place.
Crows gather and I
Undisturbed sit
Under an overcast sky
A slight chill will every wind
So fitting and so welcome
Leaves spurting their way along the asphalt
Moss -laden oaks standing in reverance of the dead at rest
And yet there is much life
Bees in the low cut grass
Moving about the daisies
Crows playing games in the clouds
Blades of grass tremoring with the breeze
The ground appears to tremble
But it would never dare
Not here.
Not here where alone feels nothing like loneliness
Where innonence has endured
In the only place where tears can fall without scrutiny
Peace takes precedence here
Where the dead listen
As God speaks