When I see your face my heart twists
And wrings the tears out of my eyes.

I am not within your universe
Where imagination's dead.
I dwell apart in another
I created in it's stead.
Where mood is easily altered
By the rationing of the sun.
Though all the fragrances mingle
I still name them one by one.
My universe without any walls
Yet no entrance either be
Unparalled to any other because
It belongs to only me.

You smell of dawn's cologne
Mingled with the mid-days sweat
It's the scent of you that's still the same

It's not yours to write
My story.
I was the only witness
To every second
So if it is to be written
It will be me.
I will search for the words
I will choose the music
The characters will be
As I knew them
Not as the world knew them
I will not embellish
To make it more interesting
It is beautiful enough.

Lets float on the surface
Where the sun plays with the waves
In infinite ways of beautiful
In a peaceful sated daze.
Where the sounds are crisp and clear
And the light tricks our eyes
Lets just float here buoyant; free
Abandoned to the skies.
Think nothing of whats underneath
Where all the sounds becomes one hum
And the sun can't seem to penetrate
And weighted we become
No, lets just float on the surface
Be tickled by the waves
In infinite ways of beautiful
For infinite length of days.

Just as death claims his prize
6 more souls awake; arise
Mortality never has, nor can
Still the beating heart of "man."
As tender trickles fill the bowl
Earthly tasks consume the soul
Becoming all the eye can see
Til blinded by eternity.

Might there be a little less mundane, a few less wasted days in pursuit of trivial things. More well-chosen words and well-received wisdom. Less appropriateness and more import. This would be a life well-lived.

Just how ******* angry can I get now?
Kubler-Ross got an answer for that?
Because I don't. And it isn't looking good from here. All the giving and taking of it. And menial use of a whole. Like a game it is. One where everybody loses but there's always one who loves to lose, isn't there? One who carries sorrow like a ****** sash. One who ignores the cold lonely thought of death, as if it will never come. And so they curse and dismiss the one and only thing that death can't ****. Genuine love. They take the easy way out. ******* cowards. Lying in your beds, just lying there detached and selfish and ugly. And oh how they multiply until there are more and more hideously smiling losers in love with only pride and the pain they inflict on others. Give them a ******* trophy would you? Let them take their ******* bows already and move on. Before a whole new level of wrath is unleashed upon the heartless. Like a ******* flood it will rise to their eyeballs, with one last look at me on my self righteous hill saying, "Told you mother *******." You just don't **** with genuine.

You were here yesterday
For just a moment I saw you
Bag on your arched back
Frown on your face
With darting dilated eyes
Changed...rather altered
In so short a time
From the best piece of me
Into the addicted you
That held no favor anymore
For the old familiar one
So starved for the chaos
That the demon feeds you
That you never noticed me
Begging in anguish for you
To be you again
Inside my head
Over and over and over
And then you were gone
I couldn't stop you
I couldn't fix you
But I still love you
You are living too fast
While I die too slow

I will remember our time
I won't ever diminish it
I won't ever regret it
I have it all tucked away
The courage after loss
The acceptance of me
The pride you sometimes let go of
The way you felt the music
The way you liked to hug
The Holy Mackerels
The fake coy looks
The few sober conversations
The hundred wasted ones
The family that was genuine
The cat I could actually touch
The handicapped chinchilla
The swimming pool dance
The overcooked food
The way too much firewood
The unsettled sleeping
The two foot high pillow
The GPS mishap
The drunken admittance
The compassion when I cried
The sincere repeated apology
The weird mornings
The honesty that showed up
The understood grief
The pretended jealousy
The confusion of it all
The temporary forgetfulness
The "let me pass" kisses
The less lonely hours
The feeling not so broken
The "all in" for one day
The ******* ashtray
The tequila shots
The creamer you didn't toss
The muddled mess you were
The sharing all about her
The food you said you ate
The not being able to love again
The wanting to try anyway
The way we never quite enough
The first and last time
The vulnerabilty of that last email
The inevitable loss of trust
The just being real.
The human conditions are beautiful
Just like you my friend.
Always follow your heart
And you will be just fine.

Happy Birthday.

If I could talk to you.....
I would tell you that I love you.
That I miss you so desperately.
That every day that passes feels wasted because you're not here.
That this absence is not getting any easier.
That I am not moving on.
That your voice plays in my head.
That no single hour has passed
Since that tragic day
That I don't think of you.
That the tears aren't slowing down.
That I am not me...without you.
I would say that I am sorry.
For all the many things I did
That made you feel unwanted, unappreciated, or unloved.
That I am sorry I didn't spend
Every single moment that I could have
Right by your side.
I would ask you to forgive me,
For not making you feel like you were my everything, because you were and you still are.
That I'm sorry for not telling you every day that I needed you and wanted you,  the way that I should have.
For not recognizing how that
Made you feel and what that made you think.
That I am so sorry you ever felt the need to question my love or my loyalty.
I would tell you that you deserved
More of a better me.
I would tell you that from the day I
First heard your voice that my
Body, heart, and soul,
Only ever belonged to you and that I hope you believe that.
I would say that I forgive you
For not believing in me.
That I have been living in a fog
Since the day I last saw you.
And that life doesn't feel worth living at all if I have to live it without you.
That you were my anam cara, the one
I waited for my entire life.
That I felt it immediately.
I would tell you that my heart is so tangled up with yours that I am now incomplete.
I would ask you to come back to me.
I would say that I don't care how long it might take or how hard it might be,
That I want us again.
That I believe a love like ours is worth fixing, no matter how difficult that might be.
That I am willing to fight and not give up.
I would ask you to put your pride away like I have and allow us to love each other better this time.
I love you Matt.

The sun drained a little more out
Of me today
Exchanged for the dim lit space

How good it was to return
With salt swept eyes
Into the cold to sleep

Tossing crazy thoughts all about
I cannot say
Enough about this safe place

Where we go,  fog-ged to learn
What holds the skies
Also what makes them weep

The space between life and death
Narrows as it goes.
Smothering at the end.
From light to deep grey
Hope to hopelessness
Final hours are no blessing
Just an expectant waiting
Almost a begging plea
For that last breath
For mercy
And there is a reverence to it all
Where the world no longer matters
And beauty takes a different form
When memories clutch the brain
And acceptance descends
Panic abates
And a beating heart finally stops

It's an upside down world I live in now
Nothing is quite right

Hush. Sh. Whisper not
A heartache in this space
For fear it get too watered-down
Over days over ages
That you lose a gift of purity
From God.
Pity.

The little innuendos life drops like sand
When you venture out in space.

Just small simple reminders, slaps on the hand
To stay in your ordained place.

Keep peace on an empty porch, feet upon the floor
Without tears upon your face.

Spend time with well worn pages, just like before,
Call it sad, but know it's grace.

What a feast Satan had today
At the great table
In his giant chair
All the lost children
The fallen angels
Gathered there.
They placed theirs sins on full display
And he ate of them
Each platter of sin
Over and over
Replaced yet again
Heaven having no words to say
And the mothers weeped
But he ate more still
And yet not enough
To ever get his fill
What a feast satan had today

I shared
A billion pieces of what they call me
A million times 'cause I was lonely
Hoping for a bit of madness
To match my own without the sadness
I took
A black and white of every memory
Knowing loss is all we foresee
Tucking them into their own space
Every word away with their face
I formed
Beauty out of a delusion
Lost myself in the confusion
Made a bed out of every mistake
Formed an idea that I could not shake
I found
That life is only what we make it
If we aren't then we should fake it
The time will come and it will fly by
Some things we loose the day we die.

It is a feeling.
I become all feeling with it.
And though I have only felt it once before,
I recognize it so clearly.
Denial of it isn't even a thought.
I would be foolish to think that.
And I am no fool.
Its not a heaviness, more of a shift.
And it doesn't come slowly.
It's a snapping of twigs in the dark;
At different decibels, on all sides,
Giving away the proximity.
And I flinch with each one.
Like tiny shocks to the system.
Internal twitches.
And I suffer it for a bit.
Until I just am unable to suffer it.
And with a sort of keen guage
I know just how much wrath I will need to overtake.
To silence the twigs.
Derision yields to Decision.
And there will be no pause.
Only. Linear. Forward. Movement.
And then I start bruting myself about;
Not in an attempt to protect myself at all. No.
That motive will be thought of much later,
In a vain attempt to pardon my action.
No.
I stand up tall now... not out of fear.
But to become the threat.
To BE the aggressor.
And I desire that power
With such a fierceness,
That just injuring, will never do.
No. In that moment, I MUST destroy. Completely destroy.
And I do.
And the satisfaction I find in doing that, and in doing it so well,
Is the most dangerous thing
That darkness ever held.

Among the scattered granite
Kneels a concrete angel
Watching over the stillness
Of the sacred place.
Crows gather and I
Undisturbed sit
Under an overcast sky
A slight chill will every wind
So fitting and so welcome
Leaves spurting their way along the asphalt
Moss -laden oaks standing in reverance of the dead at rest
And yet there is much life
Bees in the low cut grass
Moving about the daisies
Crows playing games in the clouds
Blades of grass tremoring with the breeze
The ground appears to tremble
But it would never dare
Not here.
Not here where alone feels nothing like loneliness
Where innonence has endured
In the only place where tears can fall without scrutiny
Peace takes precedence here
Where the dead listen
As God speaks

We understand each other, he and I.
Tragedy can do that.
So when I see his eyes shine up a bit...
I look away.
And when my lower lip trembles
He does the same for me.
I know what songs he will need
A shot to get through.
And he knows to let go of my hand
When the sadness comes on too strong.
We are each others memories.
Those really special ones.
Each others alternative
To the loves we once had
Loves that changed us.
We share the same knowledge
That love like that won't come twice.
We don't hope or pray for it.
We don't have to expect it.
So when he kisses my temple and whispers, " It will be ok," I do the same for him.
We hold each other up when the
Balance is lost in our minds.
We are naked and beautiful.
Because there is nothing left for either of us to lose,
Or gain,
Or recover.
We just get to be part of the lonely hearts club band together.
Just passing the time until time passes.
Sharing lonely beds,
Overcooked food,
Knowing gazes,
And pity.
Jigsaw puzzles,
JJ Grey,
And "let me pass," kisses.
We tell the same stories over and over
Because we forget we told them.
I like that.
His cat likes me too.
Shine on you crazy ******' diamond,
And I will shine on you.

It is a sacred place
Where statues of memories stand
And familiar voices echo from wells
Where the wind blows the dandelions
To grow the falling stars
That I wish upon

And they called her "SELFISH"
For suddenly...!
Refusing ,
Not to live

Perhaps remember of our trip North:
The matching shirts
The cream pies in the convenient store
The Sasquatch Museum
The rafting
The Amish
The broken door ****
The concession stand
The game shows
The **** worship rub
Those few moments where we connected
The irritation you had while driving
The way you searched my phone while I sat by the creek
The confrontation about an innocent app on my phone
The suspicion phone calls on yours
The casino night we spent seperately
The night you slept alone upstairs
The later confession from you that you had already planned to break up with me well before that trip
But delayed it because
You still wanted to go because
you couldn't resist
******* me in that context.
The tracker you had already hid in my trunk back home while I had showered.

What a vacation!
I'm not sure I ever thanked you for taking me with you on your trip ,for which even though I paid half of the monetary cost,
It cost me a whole lot ******* more than that.

Be careful of the Tail of the Dragon.
Oil slicks can sneak up on you.