I am not within your universe
Where imagination's dead.
I dwell apart in another
I created in it's stead.
Where mood is easily altered
By the rationing of the sun.
Though all the fragrances mingle
I still name them one by one.
My universe without any walls
Yet no entrance either be
Unparalled to any other because
It belongs to only me.

There are way too many of us
Expecting the knock to come one day
Praying that the phone won't ring
And take what's left of hope away

There are way too many of us
Hidden here sharing our shame
While living useless helpless days
From dawn to dusk ...the same.

There are way too many of us
But somehow still unseen
By others in their perfect worlds
Whose children are so clean

There are way too many of us
Who make our worlds so small
Because even friends don't understand
The pure horror of it all

There are way too many of us
Hearing that what we do isn't right
Tough love or enabling?
Whatever helps us sleep at night.

There are way too many of us
Just waiting for the sky to fall
Wishing today might be the day
That just puts an end to it all.

I'm not quite dead yet,
But the vultures couldn't wait.
They came very early on;
The water came too late.

But the tearing of my flesh
It keeps me lucid for now
I've no strength to struggle
And thats a liberty somehow.

The world...you see
Was too much for me
I had to lay
In half decay
For it to let me be.

You were here yesterday
For just a moment I saw you
Bag on your arched back
Frown on your face
With darting dilated eyes
Changed...rather altered
In so short a time
From the best piece of me
Into the addicted you
That held no favor anymore
For the old familiar one
So starved for the chaos
That the demon feeds you
That you never noticed me
Begging in anguish for you
To be you again
Inside my head
Over and over and over
And then you were gone
I couldn't stop you
I couldn't fix you
But I still love you
You are living too fast
While I die too slow

The space between life and death
Narrows as it goes.
Smothering at the end.
From light to deep grey
Hope to hopelessness
Final hours are no blessing
Just an expectant waiting
Almost a begging plea
For that last breath
For mercy
And there is a reverence to it all
Where the world no longer matters
And beauty takes a different form
When memories clutch the brain
And acceptance descends
Panic abates
And a beating heart finally stops

There are no more years with which to play
No more months to just idle away
Not much more time for things I should say
Besides, they won't listen anyway.

And so now the white flag will be
flown
As I take my leave to the unknown
Some marble placed and a flower thrown
In place of a love I've never known.

Might there be a little less mundane, a few less wasted days in pursuit of trivial things. More well-chosen words and well-received wisdom. Less appropriateness and more import. This would be a life well-lived.

If I could talk to you.....
I would tell you that I love you.
That I miss you so desperately.
That every day that passes feels wasted because you're not here.
That this absence is not getting any easier.
That I am not moving on.
That your voice plays in my head.
That no single hour has passed
Since that tragic day
That I don't think of you.
That the tears aren't slowing down.
That I am not me...without you.
I would say that I am sorry.
For all the many things I did
That made you feel unwanted, unappreciated, or unloved.
That I am sorry I didn't spend
Every single moment that I could have
Right by your side.
I would ask you to forgive me,
For not making you feel like you were my everything, because you were and you still are.
That I'm sorry for not telling you every day that I needed you and wanted you,  the way that I should have.
For not recognizing how that
Made you feel and what that made you think.
That I am so sorry you ever felt the need to question my love or my loyalty.
I would tell you that you deserved
More of a better me.
I would tell you that from the day I
First heard your voice that my
Body, heart, and soul,
Only ever belonged to you and that I hope you believe that.
I would say that I forgive you
For not believing in me.
That I have been living in a fog
Since the day I last saw you.
And that life doesn't feel worth living at all if I have to live it without you.
That you were my anam cara, the one
I waited for my entire life.
That I felt it immediately.
I would tell you that my heart is so tangled up with yours that I am now incomplete.
I would ask you to come back to me.
I would say that I don't care how long it might take or how hard it might be,
That I want us again.
That I believe a love like ours is worth fixing, no matter how difficult that might be.
That I am willing to fight and not give up.
I would ask you to put your pride away like I have and allow us to love each other better this time.
I love you Matt.

How to define the love of soul?
To see beauty in a tear
Decipher the truth from a lie
Spoken solely out of fear
Embrace another's hidden pain
Until all the pain subsides
Recognize a man's courage
While that same man just hides.
To notice what the vision craves
With the chaos all around
Hear the purest melody
Even when there is no sound.  
Forgive the human condition
Ignore parts to see the whole
Silent trembling lips know how
To define the love of soul.

The sun drained a little more out
Of me today
Exchanged for the dim lit space

How good it was to return
With salt swept eyes
Into the cold to sleep

Tossing crazy thoughts all about
I cannot say
Enough about this safe place

Where we go,  fog-ged to learn
What holds the skies
Also what makes them weep

Content with the portion which I gave;
Any more I would have been a slave.
Enough reserved with which to save
myself from the untimely despair;
Just the perfect ration left to spare
To bring myself back round to fair.

Shattered pieces fall like rain
Drop, and bounce, to fall again
Leaves will shake
Boughs will break
A hero will live; die in vain

The wind will still, and then will blow
A season comes as seasons go
Earth will turn
Love will yearn
'Tis God himself that makes it so.

Furrow no more
Thy weathered brow
O'er times before
Or even now

Play well the part
For which thee were cast
With all your heart
ACT ONE  'til the last

Offer naught a (sigh)
At the curtain's last fall
But smile AND cry
At the end of it all

'Tis not a sep-er-ā-ted place
In the seam of joy and strife
Rather, the most perfected space
That connects a death to life.

Just how ******* angry can I get now?
Kubler-Ross got an answer for that?
Because I don't. And it isn't looking good from here. All the giving and taking of it. And menial use of a whole. Like a game it is. One where everybody loses but there's always one who loves to lose, isn't there? One who carries sorrow like a ****** sash. One who ignores the cold lonely thought of death, as if it will never come. And so they curse and dismiss the one and only thing that death can't ****. Genuine love. They take the easy way out. ******* cowards. Lying in your beds, just lying there detached and selfish and ugly. And oh how they multiply until there are more and more hideously smiling losers in love with only pride and the pain they inflict on others. Give them a ******* trophy would you? Let them take their ******* bows already and move on. Before a whole new level of wrath is unleashed upon the heartless. Like a ******* flood it will rise to their eyeballs, with one last look at me on my self righteous hill saying, "Told you mother *******." You just don't **** with genuine.

I shared
A billion pieces of what they call me
A million times 'cause I was lonely
Hoping for a bit of madness
To match my own without the sadness
I took
A black and white of every memory
Knowing loss is all we foresee
Tucking them into their own space
Every word away with their face
I formed
Beauty out of a delusion
Lost myself in the confusion
Made a bed out of every mistake
Formed an idea that I could not shake
I found
That life is only what we make it
If we aren't then we should fake it
The time will come and it will fly by
Some things we loose the day we die.

What a feast Satan had today
At the great table
In his giant chair
All the lost children
The fallen angels
Gathered there.
They placed theirs sins on full display
And he ate of them
Each platter of sin
Over and over
Replaced yet again
Heaven having no words to say
And the mothers weeped
But he ate more still
And yet not enough
To ever get his fill
What a feast satan had today

In the midst of grey
It feels safe
Within the gloom
There is calm
Time passes differently here
Silently like a phantom
Slow enough to touch
And hold the moment

I make a being out of hope
To act for me; to apprehend.
Return to me the love I lost
And destroy the tragic end.

For without his breath again by mine;
And that hand that fit so well;
The soul that matched my very own;
That caused Life itself to swell;

There would be no need to carry on
Day after day to just get older
So I make a being out of hope
And dress him as a soldier.

So sick of being collateral damage.
For once I would like to be important enough to be the true target.

It is a feeling.
I become all feeling with it.
And though I have only felt it once before,
I recognize it so clearly.
Denial of it isn't even a thought.
I would be foolish to think that.
And I am no fool.
Its not a heaviness, more of a shift.
And it doesn't come slowly.
It's a snapping of twigs in the dark;
At different decibels, on all sides,
Giving away the proximity.
And I flinch with each one.
Like tiny shocks to the system.
Internal twitches.
And I suffer it for a bit.
Until I just am unable to suffer it.
And with a sort of keen guage
I know just how much wrath I will need to overtake.
To silence the twigs.
Derision yields to Decision.
And there will be no pause.
Only. Linear. Forward. Movement.
And then I start bruting myself about;
Not in an attempt to protect myself at all. No.
That motive will be thought of much later,
In a vain attempt to pardon my action.
No.
I stand up tall now... not out of fear.
But to become the threat.
To BE the aggressor.
And I desire that power
With such a fierceness,
That just injuring, will never do.
No. In that moment, I MUST destroy. Completely destroy.
And I do.
And the satisfaction I find in doing that, and in doing it so well,
Is the most dangerous thing
That darkness ever held.

I will remember our time
I won't ever diminish it
I won't ever regret it
I have it all tucked away
The courage after loss
The acceptance of me
The pride you sometimes let go of
The way you felt the music
The way you liked to hug
The Holy Mackerels
The fake coy looks
The few sober conversations
The hundred wasted ones
The family that was genuine
The cat I could actually touch
The handicapped chinchilla
The swimming pool dance
The overcooked food
The way too much firewood
The unsettled sleeping
The two foot high pillow
The GPS mishap
The drunken admittance
The compassion when I cried
The sincere repeated apology
The weird mornings
The honesty that showed up
The understood grief
The pretended jealousy
The confusion of it all
The temporary forgetfulness
The "let me pass" kisses
The less lonely hours
The feeling not so broken
The "all in" for one day
The ******* ashtray
The tequila shots
The creamer you didn't toss
The muddled mess you were
The sharing all about her
The food you said you ate
The not being able to love again
The wanting to try anyway
The way we never quite enough
The first and last time
The vulnerabilty of that last email
The inevitable loss of trust
The just being real.
The human conditions are beautiful
Just like you my friend.
Always follow your heart
And you will be just fine.

Happy Birthday.

It's that moment when you peel your heart
Like onion skin
And start placing the ring-like layers
In so many different places
That you realize completeness
Does not come from trying to fill space,
But rather by extending it.
It is in that moment we find God.

Snip the fibers and just be free
Talk over negative intrusions
Welcome real opportunities
Breathe in my blessings
Give myself to others
Invite hope back in
Care for myself
Utilize pain
Forgive
Forget
Smile
Love

If anyone ever wanted to know me
All they would have to do is read my poetry.
My whole life, my entire being is in there.
My past, my present, my future....all there.
All the joy and loves I've known right there
Along with dreams that failed,
Opportunities lost, faith forgotten, faith renewed
Desires, secrets, ****** encounters
My sweet side, my dark sides
My fears and my inadequacies
Humor, habits, hope, and hang ups.
All there.
The things my heart breaks for
The things that couldn't break me.
Even the things I purposefully broke.
But so far no one has had the urge
To read all this nonsense
And I am okay with that.
Better to know myself than to be known.

The little innuendos life drops like sand
When you venture out in space.

Just small simple reminders, slaps on the hand
To stay in your ordained place.

Keep peace on an empty porch, feet upon the floor
Without tears upon your face.

Spend time with well worn pages, just like before,
Call it sad, but know it's grace.

When the last of leaves fall from the tree,
And hope now holds but eternity,
And the sullen past lays down it's head,
And nothingness follows in it's stead,
Will any visions still come to thee,
Be it through a haze? or clarity?
Regret of words ( once said or not said?)
Make haste! For pride won't pardon the dead.

If I must die today my Lord
Please let me die with grace
Let me pass expressionless
With no ill upon my face.
And if I must die today my Lord
Please let me unencumbered be
Of any regret that has long since passed
As I traverse from me to thee
And if must die today my Lord
Please send the peace to those still here
That death was my greatest pardon
And with pardon comes no fear.
And if I must die today my Lord
Please do not let me writhe
And again return to me the dignity
With which I lived my life.
If I must die today my Lord
Please turn the mood to grey
And usher calm into this room
Lord, If I must die today.

In my untimely search for truth
I pre-empted doubt with grief.
That surely would have been delayed
If 'twere not for unbelief.
And while I suffered it sooner
'Twas not of any less degree
Nor even of a shorter span
Than if truth had looked for me.

As she opened and removed her robe
She tore her walls down with it
And stood completely naked
As if displaying herself to God
And waiting for judgement
With a bare soul and raw fear.
The air heaved at the sacrifice
The earth trembled.
The sun dimmed.
Oceans stilled.
Heaven cried.
Mankind laughed.

I read back a decade ago
Words that were written just for me
So beautiful and so pleading
To accept what was meant to be.
I relive the only era
I have ever known passion true
Embittered by the knowledge that
I lost it all when I lost you.
Delusional I guess I am
Believing to this very day
That a pad, a pen, and passport
Could take a decades pain away.
Taking daily mental pictures
Of things I have no way to share
Thinking you would want to see them
But you probably wouldn't care
"It's time to let him go" they say.
"You can't move on unless you do."
Ten years later and still alone.
Because my heart belongs to you.

It is a sacred place
Where statues of memories stand
And familiar voices echo from wells
Where the wind blows the dandelions
To grow the falling stars
That I wish upon

The heart can take you places
You might never wish to go
And the mind can teach you things
You might never wish to know
We can choose to follow them
Know that God is on their side
Or live remote and un-learned
All because of foolish pride.

I was the collateral you used to buy something you had no intention of paying for.