Today I place you where you belong
Not where I wan't you to be
For the lie which has held me hostage
Now in truth has set me free

T'was never a word that you uttered
Nor any gift that you had shown
That made me hold u so exalted
No. That blame is all my own

Funny how the brain can ration out
a senseless amount of care
Giving the most to one so common
And the least to one so rare.

You were never my Anam cara
Not my soulmate, nor " the one"
Just another man, of many men
When it was all said and done.

And so...

Today I place you where you belong
Not where I wan't you to be
For the lie which has held me hostage
Now in truth has been set free

I gave up letting others hold me
at first because it just felt like I wasn't being loyal to you..
then because I didn't want anyone but you and even though I am still yours...
you are not mine.
Never were.
I will just have to try closing my eyes
and pretending it is you that holds me now...
And afterwards escape to our tree and cry.

I no longer write for the one..
I used to.
He doesn't come here anymore.
Besides..neither one of us
Is the same.
We aren't anything like before.
But just like the broken verses...
That don't flow
Like mixing prose with muddled rhyme.
How I long to write for the one..
I used to.
Just for one last beautiful time.

And now I must dissect the past
And seperate every part
Every wrong decision
And every broken heart
Regrets I'll place off to the left
Unheard "I love you's" have their place
Useless dreams..they go on the right
By the memories of your face
Wasted years and loneliness
They will all go in a stack
Right beside all my love for you
Love that you never gave me back.

You will always be those slippers
and the one I talk to you in my mind
and when I'm just needing a smile
yours will be the face I find
you are the truth.. the absolute
that time can't paraphrase
the beginning and the middle
and the end of all my days  
when everything is seeming grim
when my lifes end is drawing near
ill just slip those slippers on
and say goodbye my dear.

Perhaps one day you'll write for me
Like in the days of old
You let love go
it will come back
at least that's what I'm told

Perhaps one day I'll be the one
Oh would you be so bold
Just let love go
It will come back
At least that's what I'm told.

Perhaps you just might not return
Is that how it will unfold
I let love go
And it got lost
And now it's freezing cold.

I didn't know your circles
Any more than you knew mine.
But I do know that they overlapped,
And so from time to time...
Our eyes wound meet in frenzied blur,
As our lives lapped on and on,
Then in the matter of a single whir,
So very briskly ...we'd be gone.
And knowing it'd all come round again..
You'd forget me for a score,  
Because up 'til now I'd always been
On my track... just as before.
But today I made a most brave move,
To escape the typic human race,
And now our paths might never cross,
So let these words take my place....
Please don't get dizzy on your course.
There's no need to run too fast.
Remember your only catching up to,
What has already passed.

I really miss my Andy.
Perhaps not even the man anymore.
But the hope.
The inspiration I found upon meeting him.
Now I feel like I'm trying to find
a ghost most times
Or something to believe in
Or my way back home
Thinking back the years to the time I last remember
Breathing
Not just any breathing. Fresh deep air and full chest
Breathing
October winds, and conversations with dead people.
Living.
Photos of unmarked headstones in old graveyards
Living.
Each breath now is just that much closer to death.
I hope to find my Andy soon, the old one , a new one, doesn't matter I guess.
Any Andy to breathe the life back into my soul will do.

Go ahead... think your smarter,
Than me .. go right ahead.
In fact I did agree with you,
"Your so smart" (pouty lips) is what I said.
And then went on pretending
To be a naïve simple fool,
That was all to my advantage, baby,
Letting you think we were "cool."
But I found the truth behind your lies
And I heard everything you said
Then I pretended I loved you too
While you were in my bed.
But you deemed yourself unworthy
And I'm not some naïve simple fool,
Think yourself smarter all you like
But I'm sending you back to school.

I wish that it was misting and cool right now.
That I could go lie in it, my tears mixing with the rain
Just to feel a part of something pure
But it's not and I'm not crying right now anyway.
Rather I sit surrounded by those who don't know me...never knew me.. never wanted to, and never will.
Did they never catch a glimpse of me? After all this time..
Never saw the heart I hold that bleeds for them
The mind that reasons for them
The sacrifice the abandon the belief inside of me
The beauty of my faith  which was lost so long ago
That I reclaimed in order to believe yet again in them
I've been searching for beauty myself but I'm not finding it here
Portions at times...rations maybe  but no more.. not enough
There's too much ugliness here for me...too much greed
selfishness, immorality, disloyalty, lies and pain here for me.
And I can't belong to this.
I wish that it was misting and cool right now.
That I could go lie in it, my tears mixing with the rain
Just to feel a part of something pure

The past came back to bite me again tonight
Hungry he was, hungrier than the hounds of hell themselves
Tearing off another piece so viciously
And so unexpected...he's quiet you know
Sneaking in with his non-reflective eyes
there's no warning
His talons are the reminder, in actual time,
That nothing has changed.
The past the same as the present
only later....
after he waited so patiently
until his appetite was more than he could withstand
ravenous, bloodthirsty he is
And I thank him.
Good friends, he and I.
Always arriving in time
To grant another wound I can lick
and a scar I can appreciate
Bringing another revelation that a ***** in a bikini is easier to look at
Than a beautiful soul......
A purposeless, lonely, beautiful soul.
Thank you my friend.
I enjoyed your visit.
Come back and see me soon.
Come hungry.

At mile marker thirteen,
everything is numb.
Around the block time and again,
the cycle never done.

Too many greetings, hellos and goodbyes.
Too many crossings, too many sighs.
The rush has ceased, the thrill is gone.
Brow quite furrowed, face quite drawn.

Might there be a pothole?
Or perhaps a steep incline?
Hell, I'd even take a head-on,
Just to feel this heart of mine.

It feels like coming home.
An inner warmth when I enter.
The smells of comfort food.
Like another world, another's life.
A day without agenda.
Glutton without remorse.
Robe and slippers and cocoa.
A crackling fire.
A swollen heart.
All is right.
You feel like coming home.

You gave so much to me,
And I, .....nothing to you.
And so today, I guess the pain,
Inflicts right where it's due :(

I suppose you will never know...
Just how many tears that I cry,
When I sit and recollect the years,
That we have shared, just u and I.
Or how many regrets that I carry,
That seem to get heavier every day,
From knowing that I can't go back;
That what we had has gone away.
And I suppose you'll never know,
Just how much I loved you before,
And knowing that you'll never know,
Makes me love you that much more.

They ran out of love today
Just not enough for me.
The line dispersed, I headed home
As lonely as could be

I had some once,  long ago
I threw it all away
Right now I sure could use a bit
But they ran out today

Just how many figure eight ***** does one need?  
More than one ? Perhaps.  
I guess as many as it takes to get the right answer.

And thats a good thing
Right now and so.....
You never were the one
yes...I knew it years ago
I beat upon my own ****** drum
Make my own movie in my head
And never dwell on useless things
Like everything you said
No I will swallow what I choose
And spit out all the rest
And know each thing inside and out
Before deeming which is best
I can swing these hips of mine
In ways you've never seen
And this heart you claim as yours
You've no clue where it has been
Or of one who touched me deeper
So much deeper than you could
Nor of the nightmares that I mimic
Much more often than I should  







Abd

That novel you read some years ago?
Well my friend I read it too.
The one that spoke of forever love:
Of someone for me and you.
There's a reason it's called Fiction.

You can paint me black now.
I'm in the shadow anyway.
And let my tears be evil,
My despair-your resolve.
Turn my sobbing
Into battle cries.
Go ahead, you know me
right?

I feel so very out of place, sitting here amongst inanimate objects, looking at pictures of those I once knew, examining trinkets that once held some importance, which now sit cluttered up by the memories I can't recall with loves I once knew, that I thought forever could not touch, that were picked up by the next day and the next day and are quite scattered now, amongst all the worthless "treasures" of lives' I used to have, no more fitting into this current one, than I do this scene.

I never learned the way of ease,
I drop things with no grace,
As when earth itself does move,
And knocks things out of place.
You just stand there oh so stunned,
I drop things with no grace.

I never even learned to love,
And yet you still loved me,
In a way I did not deserve,
In a place that I could not be,
For I was just too hideous,
And yet you still loved me.

I never felt the true sting of loss,
But I sure feel it today.
(It was for your own good, my love,
That I sent your love away.)
Nor that I could feel your hate.
But I sure feel it today.

I will accept all the guilt of this,
And I will take the blame.
For I'm already so very ugly,
What difference makes the shame.
Just go ahead and **** me now,
And I will take the blame.

It's funny how we all just seem
To come and then go again.
Sometimes here, sometimes not,
Sometimes just checking in.
To see if any old friend of ours,
Has just.. like us...stopped by.
And left a little post-it poem,
As their way of saying "hi."

I prayed the angels would speak to me,
Even just a whisper in a dream,
To enlighten me with wisdom; truth,
As things are rarely as they seem.
And oh how amazing after one single prayer
I would receive just what I pled,
But oh how painful it was to hear,
The words the angels said.

Oh! What a long storm has travailed here,
With only a short lull or two.
That rainbow which we presume is near?
Is a thunder's span length from view.
Who called the clouds and who rose the mist?
Did memory beckon again?
Green grass that once surely did exist,
Has since died between now and then.
The trees are so very tired now,
And their limbs can hold no more weight,
And for them and I and you, I fear,
That the rainbow is much too late.

This world will surely continue on,
One day without me in it.
For it's been said of GOD himself,
Our lives are but a minute.
But we all leave an impression,
That lasts longer than today,
Whether in a grandiose manner,
Or in a very simple way.
Let my memory be a reminder that,
We're only here for a short while.
And I pray the legacy of "me,"
Be one that starts a smile.

Enjoy the blessings we are given,
And take for granted none,
Share all of who we really are,
With each and everyone.

I do not need these walls to live!
Not even my old swing.
In fact if truth be told, my friends,
I do not need a thing.
For my Father, he is with me.
With every breath I draw in.
And I can hear him whispering,
"You must begin..........again."
And I know there is a lesson here,
That somehow I will grow.
That I've been holding on too tight
To things I should let go.
And take a deep liberating breath,
Faithful and worry- free.
Trusting the Shepherd will lead me,
Exactly where I need to be.

I do not like the world around me,
The filth and ***** places,
The lying selfish faces,
The weakness satan preys on,
All beauty now is all gone,
And like the world, I now smell,
Of the tomb in which we dwell,
With no will to perservere,
Nor rememberance of a tear,
Walking 'round about in throng,
Singing all the same sad song,
Of all we've lost or never had,
And of the good that turned to bad.
Until this becomes our norm again.
Forgetting better days have been.
I do not like the world around me,
The filth and ***** places,
The lying selfish faces,
The weakness satan preys on,
All beauty now is all gone,
And like the world, I now smell,
Of the tomb in which we dwell,
With no will to perservere,
Nor rememberance of a tear,
Walking 'round about in throng,
Singing all the same sad song,
Of all we've lost or never had,
And of the good that turned to bad.
Until this becomes our norm again.
Forgetting better days have been.
I do not like the world around me,
The filth and ***** places,
The lying selfish faces,
The weakness satan preys on,
All beauty now is all gone,
And like the world, I now smell,
Of the tomb in which we dwell,
With no will to perservere,
Nor rememberance of a tear,
Walking 'round about in throng,
Singing all the same sad song,
Of all we've lost or never had,
And of the good that turned to bad.
Until this becomes our norm again.
Forgetting better days have been.  You get the picture......

Whose number one will I ever be?
I'm always number two or three.
But I share my number one,
With everybody, everyone!
But recently I've come to see,
That my number one is me.
And you and you and you and you,
Are now priority number two.

I want to leave .
I just want to rise and leave .
Grab my keys and a coat and leave .
Leave behind everything and everyone I should never carry on my back all the time.
They never carried me.
And my ******* back hurts   all the time now.
It hurts to rise.
So they all have me where they want me .
Immobile, unsatisfied, and mute.
Spare this silly screen which no one I know will see.
But one day they will glance in this corner
And I won't be here anymore.
And maybe I'll post on here where I am.
But no one I know will see it.
And that makes me smile.

I sit again cross-legged now,
Swaying to and fro.
On my swing, alone as always,
The safest place I know.

Where peace has always found me,
On the wings of wind's soft touch,
For a time I thought that it was free,
But in truth, it cost so much.

The leaves, they fall around me,
Flowers bloom to die again,
I hear the sounds of living somewhere,
But my swing is where I've been.

A few hands did try to shake me,
But I rocked so out of fear,
Of where leaving just might take me,
So I chose to just stay here.

But the boards, they are now creaking,
From the weight of courage lost.
Yes, I used to think my peace was free,
But I know now what it cost.

It cost me the love and cost me the joy,
Hope strived so hard to bring.
And no peace can be found in that,
Not even on this swing.

Sometimes just for nostalgia,
I re-read the poems of the past.
You wrote with such conviction,
And a hope which did not last.
But just to see those words again,
Makes my world again so clear.
Filled with courage, without doubt,
The days of yesteryear.
When all the "black and white" of it,
The search for a perfect tree,
"Trouble" in all it's glory,
Meant everything to me.
And though I no longer speak it,
And all hope is gone it seems,
Believe me, not one day goes by,
When you aren't in my dreams.

I have sought truth with the diligence of a missing set of keys.
Never to find it. At least not in its whole state.
Its never altogether. Its always scattered in bits and pieces and the wind blows one or another in from time to time when I leave the door open.
And then I collect them...and try to solve the riddles written on them before they will even make any sense and then try to assemble them together...you know ..see if I have all the pieces yet. But I never do. And I find it so ironic that this search for truth entails deciphering lies more often than not and even more ironic that a majority of them are my own which I must have.tossed into the wind ages ago and forgotten about.