I prayed the angels would speak to me,
Even just a whisper in a dream,
To enlighten me with wisdom; truth,
As things are rarely as they seem.
And oh how amazing after one single prayer
I would receive just what I pled,
But oh how painful it was to hear,
The words the angels said.

Oh! What a long storm has travailed here,
With only a short lull or two.
That rainbow which we presume is near?
Is a thunder's span length from view.
Who called the clouds and who rose the mist?
Did memory beckon again?
Green grass that once surely did exist,
Has since died between now and then.
The trees are so very tired now,
And their limbs can hold no more weight,
And for them and I and you, I fear,
That the rainbow is much too late.

This world will surely continue on,
One day without me in it.
For it's been said of GOD himself,
Our lives are but a minute.
But we all leave an impression,
That lasts longer than today,
Whether in a grandiose manner,
Or in a very simple way.
Let my memory be a reminder that,
We're only here for a short while.
And I pray the legacy of "me,"
Be one that starts a smile.

Enjoy the blessings we are given,
And take for granted none,
Share all of who we really are,
With each and everyone.

I do not need these walls to live!
Not even my old swing.
In fact if truth be told, my friends,
I do not need a thing.
For my Father, he is with me.
With every breath I draw in.
And I can hear him whispering,
"You must begin..........again."
And I know there is a lesson here,
That somehow I will grow.
That I've been holding on too tight
To things I should let go.
And take a deep liberating breath,
Faithful and worry- free.
Trusting the Shepherd will lead me,
Exactly where I need to be.

I do not like the world around me,
The filth and ***** places,
The lying selfish faces,
The weakness satan preys on,
All beauty now is all gone,
And like the world, I now smell,
Of the tomb in which we dwell,
With no will to perservere,
Nor rememberance of a tear,
Walking 'round about in throng,
Singing all the same sad song,
Of all we've lost or never had,
And of the good that turned to bad.
Until this becomes our norm again.
Forgetting better days have been.
I do not like the world around me,
The filth and ***** places,
The lying selfish faces,
The weakness satan preys on,
All beauty now is all gone,
And like the world, I now smell,
Of the tomb in which we dwell,
With no will to perservere,
Nor rememberance of a tear,
Walking 'round about in throng,
Singing all the same sad song,
Of all we've lost or never had,
And of the good that turned to bad.
Until this becomes our norm again.
Forgetting better days have been.
I do not like the world around me,
The filth and ***** places,
The lying selfish faces,
The weakness satan preys on,
All beauty now is all gone,
And like the world, I now smell,
Of the tomb in which we dwell,
With no will to perservere,
Nor rememberance of a tear,
Walking 'round about in throng,
Singing all the same sad song,
Of all we've lost or never had,
And of the good that turned to bad.
Until this becomes our norm again.
Forgetting better days have been.  You get the picture......

Whose number one will I ever be?
I'm always number two or three.
But I share my number one,
With everybody, everyone!
But recently I've come to see,
That my number one is me.
And you and you and you and you,
Are now priority number two.

I want to leave .
I just want to rise and leave .
Grab my keys and a coat and leave .
Leave behind everything and everyone I should never carry on my back all the time.
They never carried me.
And my ******* back hurts   all the time now.
It hurts to rise.
So they all have me where they want me .
Immobile, unsatisfied, and mute.
Spare this silly screen which no one I know will see.
But one day they will glance in this corner
And I won't be here anymore.
And maybe I'll post on here where I am.
But no one I know will see it.
And that makes me smile.

I sit again cross-legged now,
Swaying to and fro.
On my swing, alone as always,
The safest place I know.

Where peace has always found me,
On the wings of wind's soft touch,
For a time I thought that it was free,
But in truth, it cost so much.

The leaves, they fall around me,
Flowers bloom to die again,
I hear the sounds of living somewhere,
But my swing is where I've been.

A few hands did try to shake me,
But I rocked so out of fear,
Of where leaving just might take me,
So I chose to just stay here.

But the boards, they are now creaking,
From the weight of courage lost.
Yes, I used to think my peace was free,
But I know now what it cost.

It cost me the love and cost me the joy,
Hope strived so hard to bring.
And no peace can be found in that,
Not even on this swing.

Sometimes just for nostalgia,
I re-read the poems of the past.
You wrote with such conviction,
And a hope which did not last.
But just to see those words again,
Makes my world again so clear.
Filled with courage, without doubt,
The days of yesteryear.
When all the "black and white" of it,
The search for a perfect tree,
"Trouble" in all it's glory,
Meant everything to me.
And though I no longer speak it,
And all hope is gone it seems,
Believe me, not one day goes by,
When you aren't in my dreams.

I have sought truth with the diligence of a missing set of keys.
Never to find it. At least not in its whole state.
Its never altogether. Its always scattered in bits and pieces and the wind blows one or another in from time to time when I leave the door open.
And then I collect them...and try to solve the riddles written on them before they will even make any sense and then try to assemble them together...you know ..see if I have all the pieces yet. But I never do. And I find it so ironic that this search for truth entails deciphering lies more often than not and even more ironic that a majority of them are my own which I must have.tossed into the wind ages ago and forgotten about.

Here is what I mean, my friend.
Clear your mind and sit a spell.
For I've found a revelation's end,
That to you I'd love to tell.

I need to ask you something. Yes! I must.
You know, I'm very good with those.
You'll answer honestly I trust,
To these questions I now pose.

Who knows you as yourself does know?
Does anyone solely rely on you?
Your answer will be "no-one, no."
Unfortunately...it's true.

If tomorrow came and I were gone,
And here's just what I meant.
The world would turn and carry on,
That's "insignificant."

Who is this who lies in my bed,
That I don't even know?
Who's so messed up within his head,
With nowhere else to go?

Feeding me breakfast poisoned with dreams,
And singing me hope to sleep?
Who then lies awake concocting schemes,
For with my soul to keep?

A master and a villain he be,
Behind an angel's eyes.
Yet he's the fool...it is not me,
I see through his disguise.

You see perception blessed me thrice,
And now I am full aware.
Fool me once, fool me twice,
But again? You best beware!

For I can also lace the truth,
To cut you down to size;
Use your deceit as my reproof,
And justify the lies.

But use my pillow - I'll play the role,
And take my portion double.
Before I snip your twisted soul,
"My pleasure..it's no trouble."

What are you seeking , o beautiful one,
Down the alleys of that street?
Are smiles sold when the day is done,
Are there friends you hope to meet?

Do you feel danger as you walk along,
Or the shackles on your feet?
Does Satan sing a more alluring song,
When you contemplate retreat?

I beg you dear, please take just one more glance,
To the stars up in the sky.
That our maker placed and made to dance,
As truth for you and I.

So let your own shadow be your own guide,
Now that the night is nigh'.
And know that there is no real place to hide,
From his ever-watchful eye.

Never once have you ever walked alone,
Not even in chosen hell,
He knows every feeling you've never shown,
And he knows what time will tell.

You can feel that he is pursuing you,
Even while you run so fast,
And the only thing he wants you to do,
Is accept a love that lasts.

You see by the candle,
But don't get burned,
That's all because....
I hold it.

And that thing that seems,
To do as you bid,
That's only because....
I scold it.

That breeze that comes,
When you just so need it,
It comes because....
I blow it.

And the love that you feel,
That you deserve,
You only find because ....
I show it.

And that welcome bed,
Where you always lie,
Is there because....
I make it.

And the pain you flail,
So deliberately,
Hurts only as long as...
I take it!

You look to what's in front of you,
I look to what's behind,
And I discover twice as much,
Of what you hope to find.

For what will be has already been,
Everything is repeated.
And before you even lose the game,
You've already been cheated.

You can read every new bestseller,
Knock on every new neighbor's door,
Just keep wishing for your happy ending,
But that too has been done before.

So take a right instead of a left,
Choose to smile and not frown.
But even the village idiots know,
That what goes up must come down.

Is this too harsh for you, my friend?
I've saved the best for last.
There's no future that awaits you,
That isn't in your past.

I have filled the empty pages,
In the chapters of "My Life,"
With so much needless worry,
And so much needless strife.
Not trusting the true author,
My maker and my friend,
To whisper all the words to me,
From beginning to "The End."

Instead I chose every syllable,
All the characters, and the plot.
Til my pen went dry and I heard,
"There's something you forgot!"
"You failed to mention I was there,
Every second, yet you didn't know,
And this story "you've" been writing?
I actually wrote it long ago."

Oh! With what diligent effort,
Did you once seek a love?
And found it almost perfect,
What you had the offer of?
And then with careless disregard,
Inspection and with creed,
Give up that almost perfect love,
That you felt you did not need?
Then while it vaguely wandered,
Did you call out a time or two?
Wishing that now perfect love,
Would come right back to you?
Love, it seeks a welcome home,
It doesn't beat a darkened door,
And it will choose a foreigner,
Over one it's loved before.
But it teaches a certain lesson,
While the season's timely close,
That almost perfect love becomes,
More perfect as it goes..............

I feel the arms that hold me now,
But they do not touch with care.
They do not know my heart like you,
Or the hurt that lingers there.
They do not know my damaged pride,
They'll never know my fears.
They will never come to love me,
Or wipe away my tears.
But if I squeeze my eyes shut tight,
My heart almost thinks it true,
That the arms that hold me now,
Belong, my love to you........

I am not perfect.
I am not blameless.
I am not selfless.
I am not sinless.
I am not pure.
I am not strong.
I am not okay.
I am not ashamed.
I am not defeated.

I am not like any other.


I am blessed.
I am forgiven.
I am saved.
I am worthy.
I am loved.
I am special.
I am beautiful.
I am never alone.
I am a child of GOD.

I am just like you.

I like wildflowers. Just not the ones you picked for me.
And placed in that vase on the table.
They died within 4 hours and left the water cloudy
and putrid smelling.

I like playing games. I'm actually very good at them.
I'm very competitive, you know.
And smart...did you know that?
Smart and intuitive.

I like freedom, too. I'ts like the first breath of air,
After coming up from the shallow end.
It makes me new somehow,
New and alive, very alive.

I don't like promises. I don't make them.
And neither should you.
They just make liars out of otherwise,
Honest people.

I do not need a thing right now.
I know that when I usually call,
It's after I made some huge mistake,
Or suffered some sort of fall.
But tonight I'm in need of nothing,
Nothing, my friend, it's true.
Your company is my greatest joy,
And my heart misses you.
But the line appears so busy,
And yes I understand,
And I hope your life is going,
Exactly as you planned.
I just want you to know that,
Every second of every day,
You are the biggest part of me,
I just felt the need to say.
But not so that you'll think of me,
So you'll know how special you are,
And that if you ever need me friend,
I will never be very far.

Until I knew a great love,
I did not know there was a difference,
A difference of degrees,
Proportioned to the layers,
Of the soul.
This great love,
I know it rightly.
It isn't dependent on time,
Nor effort,
Nor even presence.
It is just a great love.
It wasn't born or grown,
Only found and recognized.
For the great love which it is.
Now and the love it always will be.
A great love.
With no need for less or for more.
For certainly my heart
could not bear either.
It is perfect just as it is.
It is a great love.

Tell me was it I that changed, my friend,
Or rather was it you?
Perhaps 'twas for time's own amusement,
To show what he could do.
The distance between yesterday,
And where we are right now,
Seems much less longer that it was,
But much more sad somehow.

If my heart could purge every mistake,
Made for nothing but pretense sake,
Just where would I be now?

{Well it can't...so I just don't know
How befitting! that hope should go}

If my mind could still and never sway,
So many times throughout every day,
Would I still err somehow?

{Well it won't and I'm sure I will
I'm not the type meant to be still}

If my hands would only long to hold,
The two same hands until I grew old,
Would I wish to savor?

{But they don't and I don't think so
And just why I may never know}

And so I will choose to conform to me
I'll be kind and flippant, and also free
And do myself that favor.

The now silent cell phone,
And the muted tv,
The every day longing,
For the one I can't see.
The look to the night sky,
The feel of the wind,
The wasting of past time,
That nothing can mend.
My bed full of dreams,
My heart bounds within,
A journal completed,
Of days way back when,
We would hold hands,
And laugh on the beach,
Just writing together,
With no need for speech,
And the sun warmed,
Our eyes that we closed,
And forever was all,
Even time dare propose.
No cigarettes needed,
No liquor would do,
To escape from the truth,
That I never had you.

If I could go back to that fork in the road,
If I could go back today,
Stand again before that intersect,
I'd choose the other way.
If I could go back to the starting line,
If I could go back today,
I'd be one hell of a strong competitor,
And not just run away.
If I could go back to the thrill of us,
The thrill before the fall.
I'd cling to you for the entire ride,
And not ever look back at all.

When I picture my paradise,
Through inward, pensive eye,
There's no end to the horizon,
And nothing mars the sky.
And I am lying naked,
Half in shade under the trees,
My partial sunsoaked body,
Being soothed by fleeting breeze.
I take up a ****** journal,
And all the words fall into place,
Then spirit, body, mind, and soul,
All greet the sweetest face.
And like tumultuous rivers flow,
Our ****** too shall be,
For when I picture paradise,
You are making love to me.