I remember him yanking the sheets away from me
And how the cold hit my skin
Stung
Drawing my knees up to cover my nakedness
Clutching them to my chest to hide
Totally exposed against my will
Seeing something like repulsion in his eyes only different.. more empty
While I cried and begged for the covers back
For a very long time while he laughed
Before balling up the sheet and slinging it at my face
And then saying, "put some ******* clothes on, *****."
Then he left the room.
This from someone I loved, who used to love me.
From someone who became a stranger.
Almost overnight.
And that's how one chooses not to love again.

purple petals in a birdbath -
like rafts during the rain -
bobbing briefly with each drop -
like memories on the brain -

I could speak long on heartbreak.
I've known it pure and known it true.
But what poor converse that would make
I won't do that to you.

Besides you have all of your own ****
That has left you beaten too.
And,"no," I don't want to hear about it
I don't care that much for you.

Let's just leave our pasts in the past
For it's the po-lite thing to do
"My day was fine. I'm glad you asked!"
Now pretend you like me too.

Suppose I write these words
For a target yet unknown
Cast them out into the world
Just as if the wind had blown
Like feathers may they travel
Flutter up and all around
Praying that they do not drift
Unnoticed to the ground.
But rather cross my soulmates path
By chance or by hopes might
To bring me a lover all my own
With these words I write.

Just a wee bit too eccentric,
And a little bit too much drink,
Yet the passion in the hallway
Did certainly make me think
And yes, your airplane was so cool
And I liked you were smarter than me.
But I'm so glad I didn't fall in love.
Because you wanted a family.
Aged 43- and as of yet no child
In need of a son to be an heir
And the thought of being a mom again
Was just way too much to bear.
Whether you even liked me for me
Well I guess I never truly knew
Most times I felt more like an applicant
For a job I couldn't do.
But all things turn out as they should
It was so nice to see you the other day
To hear that you had met another
And had a little Martin on the way. :)

1.Go out alone. Don't arrive with an obnoxious group of friends that don't get out enough. That's what girls nights out are for.

2. Wear something neutral. Don't put too much time into getting ready. Keep it classy. No ****** heels.

(btw ...these time tested and ***** approved instructions are for when you are in need of company only. If you are looking for a relationship, love, or some serious life partner, these instructions will not be of use to you.  Trust me on that. )

3. Stay away from cheesy dives, go with hotel lounges, (lots of middle aged conference men there away from their wives just waiting to take full advantage of their freedom. It also allows u to avoid driving anywhere with a complete stranger.)

4. Walk in with your eyes down  and not too quickly.

5. Sit at the bar...right in the center.

6. Order whatever you really want.

7. Scan the room only once or twice.

8. Choose your victim ( whatever you fancy) and  make eye contact.

9. Shift your hips slightly in your seat as if u are already turned on , then look away.

10. Wait to be approached.

11. Make the social introductions but keep small talk to a minimum. He doesn't need to know where u were born or what u do for a living or likewise.

12. Ask to go to his room.

13. Let him think he's in charge until you get there.

14. Then just simply undress, take the top position, place his arms over his head and apply full rocking body weight at all times until your finished.

15. Calmly dress and leave. You can offer a simple "thank you," if you must. (I usually do not), however, never give your real name or leave a number...not even a fake one.
Just go.
It's pretty simple really.

(Safe *** of course...always a must :-))

Always interested in hearing other's techniques...please feel free to share.

She stood in the garden, alone, and spoke aloud.
"I so wish I could hear your voice again. There's just a snippit left in my head...it's been so long.
The quirky laugh, so nonchalant, as I remember, questions requiring deeper thought, and yet the answers were always so easy.
The tone which I at first never expected but later identified with you and only you...and still do..if I were to only hear it again...match it to that snippit I play over and over again more times than I care to admit...well then   maybe then I would feel how I  felt the last time we spoke.... Like I was vital, loved, scared, and yet safe all at the same time. Sometimes...but only on a very rare occasion, do I wish that I could turn that snippit off. Just so I wouldn't have to miss you for a moment or two. "
"And who has loved like this ? " she asks herself pitifully.
" Only me."-...she whispered in self reply, as he listened quietly from behind the northern wall, never making a sound, before turning and going on about his day.
Just as one lone tear waters the gardenia.

Awakening at 4 am for a needed touch. The stillness requires it, the quiet calls for it, the darkness outright demands it. Expectant, quivering, and ...done. 4:03. Alone.

On a sermon note,  when I guess I should have been listening, I scribbled a poem years ago that I now find in a long neglected book I used to smuggle in every Sunday. A stoic book and in the folds I find the never published long forgotten write of an imagined future day that fate holds from above just out of grasp. That sparkling jewel of hope. A day with darting eyes and deep swallows, heaving hidden breaths, electric thoughts. Two of the corners are shriveled now , one side requiring unrolling the see the last words of each line. Interjected words here and there to change the nuance just a bit. Truth is in there, pleasure too. Between the space of whispered glances and a final goodbye. Wonder what it all means now. I can't quite wrap my head around it much like the sermon of that day. So I will leave it with Pope, right in the middle of the Windsor Forest, "to consult the dead and live past ages o'er."

Those thoughts, that we once lit upon, in such a rage,
(Oh!  how ablaze they once were and Oh! how quick they flew)
Scribbled posthaste onto the now much duller page,
To immortalize- as only the penned word can do.
And so, if ever apt,... regress to way back when,
(at least for a time, at least in mind,...return alone)
To dig them from their coffers - let them live again,
all of the greatest passions our souls had ever known;
To resurrect the fire that only youth can start,
(Recover- , a breathless moment or a wanton gaze)
Exhume instead- , a tear, shed from a lifeless heart,
To bestow the elegy of our departed days.

It gets much easier the more I do it
Harder to love the less it's known
Like a wind, I blow right through it
This life, a life content, a life alone.

Just how many movies can a girl watch in a lifetime anyway ?
Funny how I have been most of the characters at some point in my life.
I've actually just recently progressed from the pathetic Bridget Jones
to Fat Amy in "How to be Single."...or perhaps Tom in the same flick.
  
I find it twisted yet somehow quite revolutionary the way my mind works.

Anyway... There are no sleepovers. I have no desire to cuddle strangers.

Another bizarre premiere.

'Twas not a death of ceaseless breathing,
But rather one of love deceiving,
From which the soul did die.
And by doing so, then guided pleasure,
To a grave no one could measure,
Beneath a weary sky.
Without a stake even for its leaving,
Or further thought of its conceiving,
It quietly held its own,
Appearing no worse for the heaving
Sighing less heavily while bereaving,
A spot no tree had grown.

Ah! To let you believe I became your victim
Theres no better reward for me
I chose and took your soul ...you fool
Too ignorant to see
I don't allow a glimpse within
Despite you thinking so
How bored I have become again
With all the status quo
With all the base humane of weak
Of all the stupid fare
Even now I dumb this down
Just so that I can share
Oh have you met the devil?
I guarantee that you have not.
He sends me presdisposing
Of all unworthy lot.

It just comes down to rot really.
Dangling on a ledge of a mountain it took your whole life to climb.
For what ?
To let go?
"Hell no!" they say....that's not allowed.
"That's too ******* easy," they preach.
Placing a coward label on every tired soul
who deserves the liberty to say
"Enough is enough!"
Somehow we don't get the right to die anymore.
Gotta leave something behind to carry on, right?
Work our entire god forsaken lives for the good of others....struggle through....make it through...see it through,... right ?
Thats noble.
Praise the noble souls who led easy lives
But **** on the pained, beaten ones who finally say," I'm done."
"I've done enough, I've had enough, I'm exhausted."
Yeah ...blaspheme the jumper they will.
Been screaming half my life for someone to hear, "Im dying here people!"
Ignorant ***** won't hear me on the way down either.

By the time it becomes visible
I'll have been in hell for quite a while
Tight mittens binding up my hands
Tempered wince behind the smile

Moist cement ...three feet deep
And a mind that won't think straight
Clumsy and slow...trudging along
In a fogged deficient state.

Simple things become so great
And the pain won't let me be
Slumber 14 hours long
Meet the new..unimproved...ME.

Closest to the memory
Heartaches holding fast
Imagination feeding on
What never was or passed.
Who is it that does not enjoy
Crying all alone at night
Over make-believe scenarios
That never end in right.
Tragedy has always kept
such company for the brain
Illiciting pleasure quite akin to
A funeral in the rain.

Should I blame my God?
Or does it lie with me?
Did fate or chance or fairies?
Take your soul from me?

Was this in "the plan?" Perhaps.
Or was there some lack of will?
Either way of no import...
But,oh! I love you still.

I know your words are not for me.
It doesn't hurt much anymore.
Just a little sting, a tiny pinch,
Not the heartache like before.
Knowing that the ***** I feel
Isn't only for a love I never had
But also for the fickleness of man
Well..that makes me doubly sad.

I don't know where I lost you...where we lost "us." Two individuals who met at just the perfect time, a time of hope, dreams, immortal thoughts. That was beauty. Unsustainable riveting beauty. Beauty as does time , they both have their prime and  their peak. And once that peak is reached the only place to go is down again, unless you set up a tiny house next to a tree and stay there. We didn't do that. We should have done that. We should have **** sight done that.

Sometimes it just hits me,
(be it sunset or sunrise,)
A quirky grin; a funny look
from a similar pair of eyes.
And I begin to grieve again,
(be it a moment or a day)
For the love I never really knew,
Until it up and went away.
It's no matter, where he is now,
(be it miles or next door,)
For he is just a hollow ghost,
Of the one I know no more.

I believe in my delusion.
By definition...its real to me.
I am sleek, mysterious, sought.
grand piano, flapper dress, long cigarette sought.
Unseen but expected garter holding me together.
Perhaps the only thing holding me together.
Scoffing advances because I have that liberty.
Cognac ..no champagne.
No mother to advise proper.
No need for etiquette when I intimidate so well.
The quiet masterpiece in the room.
Their whispers make me
And I love me
Not adored but renowned
I shade my eyes and exit
Taking all of the air with me

Oh! to hold the secret
For the souls tranquility
Whilst the earth itself may shake
And storms rise up at sea

To retreat unto it's own
Where all life's joys of past have flown
And just breathe them all back in
To  feel them right..all over again.

No need for speech; nor serpents vow,
Amongst this garden fair,
For fate has granted only now,
A portion; just our share.
Willing to trade a lifetime for
The privilege to stay here.
But we've no such liberty anymore
The night is drawing near.
Placed but for a moment lone
In a paradise apart
From the bitter world we've known
But now we must depart
And return the ways we came
You yours and I my own
And yet we'll never be the same
For the paradise we've known.

Today I place you where you belong
Not where I wan't you to be
For the lie which has held me hostage
Now in truth has set me free

T'was never a word that you uttered
Nor any gift that you had shown
That made me hold u so exalted
No. That blame is all my own

Funny how the brain can ration out
a senseless amount of care
Giving the most to one so common
And the least to one so rare.

You were never my Anam cara
Not my soulmate, nor " the one"
Just another man, of many men
When it was all said and done.

And so...

Today I place you where you belong
Not where I wan't you to be
For the lie which has held me hostage
Now in truth has been set free

I gave up letting others hold me
at first because it just felt like I wasn't being loyal to you..
then because I didn't want anyone but you and even though I am still yours...
you are not mine.
Never were.
I will just have to try closing my eyes
and pretending it is you that holds me now...
And afterwards escape to our tree and cry.

I no longer write for the one..
I used to.
He doesn't come here anymore.
Besides..neither one of us
Is the same.
We aren't anything like before.
But just like the broken verses...
That don't flow
Like mixing prose with muddled rhyme.
How I long to write for the one..
I used to.
Just for one last beautiful time.

And now I must dissect the past
And seperate every part
Every wrong decision
And every broken heart
Regrets I'll place off to the left
Unheard "I love you's" have their place
Useless dreams..they go on the right
By the memories of your face
Wasted years and loneliness
They will all go in a stack
Right beside all my love for you
Love that you never gave me back.

You will always be those slippers
and the one I talk to you in my mind
and when I'm just needing a smile
yours will be the face I find
you are the truth.. the absolute
that time can't paraphrase
the beginning and the middle
and the end of all my days  
when everything is seeming grim
when my lifes end is drawing near
ill just slip those slippers on
and say goodbye my dear.

Perhaps one day you'll write for me
Like in the days of old
You let love go
it will come back
at least that's what I'm told

Perhaps one day I'll be the one
Oh would you be so bold
Just let love go
It will come back
At least that's what I'm told.

Perhaps you just might not return
Is that how it will unfold
I let love go
And it got lost
And now it's freezing cold.

I didn't know your circles
Any more than you knew mine.
But I do know that they overlapped,
And so from time to time...
Our eyes wound meet in frenzied blur,
As our lives lapped on and on,
Then in the matter of a single whir,
So very briskly ...we'd be gone.
And knowing it'd all come round again..
You'd forget me for a score,  
Because up 'til now I'd always been
On my track... just as before.
But today I made a most brave move,
To escape the typic human race,
And now our paths might never cross,
So let these words take my place....
Please don't get dizzy on your course.
There's no need to run too fast.
Remember your only catching up to,
What has already passed.

I really miss my Andy.
Perhaps not even the man anymore.
But the hope.
The inspiration I found upon meeting him.
Now I feel like I'm trying to find
a ghost most times
Or something to believe in
Or my way back home
Thinking back the years to the time I last remember
Breathing
Not just any breathing. Fresh deep air and full chest
Breathing
October winds, and conversations with dead people.
Living.
Photos of unmarked headstones in old graveyards
Living.
Each breath now is just that much closer to death.
I hope to find my Andy soon, the old one , a new one, doesn't matter I guess.
Any Andy to breathe the life back into my soul will do.

Go ahead... think your smarter,
Than me .. go right ahead.
In fact I did agree with you,
"Your so smart" (pouty lips) is what I said.
And then went on pretending
To be a naïve simple fool,
That was all to my advantage, baby,
Letting you think we were "cool."
But I found the truth behind your lies
And I heard everything you said
Then I pretended I loved you too
While you were in my bed.
But you deemed yourself unworthy
And I'm not some naïve simple fool,
Think yourself smarter all you like
But I'm sending you back to school.

I wish that it was misting and cool right now.
That I could go lie in it, my tears mixing with the rain
Just to feel a part of something pure
But it's not and I'm not crying right now anyway.
Rather I sit surrounded by those who don't know me...never knew me.. never wanted to, and never will.
Did they never catch a glimpse of me? After all this time..
Never saw the heart I hold that bleeds for them
The mind that reasons for them
The sacrifice the abandon the belief inside of me
The beauty of my faith  which was lost so long ago
That I reclaimed in order to believe yet again in them
I've been searching for beauty myself but I'm not finding it here
Portions at times...rations maybe  but no more.. not enough
There's too much ugliness here for me...too much greed
selfishness, immorality, disloyalty, lies and pain here for me.
And I can't belong to this.
I wish that it was misting and cool right now.
That I could go lie in it, my tears mixing with the rain
Just to feel a part of something pure

The past came back to bite me again tonight
Hungry he was, hungrier than the hounds of hell themselves
Tearing off another piece so viciously
And so unexpected...he's quiet you know
Sneaking in with his non-reflective eyes
there's no warning
His talons are the reminder, in actual time,
That nothing has changed.
The past the same as the present
only later....
after he waited so patiently
until his appetite was more than he could withstand
ravenous, bloodthirsty he is
And I thank him.
Good friends, he and I.
Always arriving in time
To grant another wound I can lick
and a scar I can appreciate
Bringing another revelation that a ***** in a bikini is easier to look at
Than a beautiful soul......
A purposeless, lonely, beautiful soul.
Thank you my friend.
I enjoyed your visit.
Come back and see me soon.
Come hungry.

At mile marker thirteen,
everything is numb.
Around the block time and again,
the cycle never done.

Too many greetings, hellos and goodbyes.
Too many crossings, too many sighs.
The rush has ceased, the thrill is gone.
Brow quite furrowed, face quite drawn.

Might there be a pothole?
Or perhaps a steep incline?
Hell, I'd even take a head-on,
Just to feel this heart of mine.

It feels like coming home.
An inner warmth when I enter.
The smells of comfort food.
Like another world, another's life.
A day without agenda.
Glutton without remorse.
Robe and slippers and cocoa.
A crackling fire.
A swollen heart.
All is right.
You feel like coming home.

You gave so much to me,
And I, .....nothing to you.
And so today, I guess the pain,
Inflicts right where it's due :(

I suppose you will never know...
Just how many tears that I cry,
When I sit and recollect the years,
That we have shared, just u and I.
Or how many regrets that I carry,
That seem to get heavier every day,
From knowing that I can't go back;
That what we had has gone away.
And I suppose you'll never know,
Just how much I loved you before,
And knowing that you'll never know,
Makes me love you that much more.

They ran out of love today
Just not enough for me.
The line dispersed, I headed home
As lonely as could be

I had some once,  long ago
I threw it all away
Right now I sure could use a bit
But they ran out today

Just how many figure eight ***** does one need?  
More than one ? Perhaps.  
I guess as many as it takes to get the right answer.

And thats a good thing
Right now and so.....
You never were the one
yes...I knew it years ago
I beat upon my own ****** drum
Make my own movie in my head
And never dwell on useless things
Like everything you said
No I will swallow what I choose
And spit out all the rest
And know each thing inside and out
Before deeming which is best
I can swing these hips of mine
In ways you've never seen
And this heart you claim as yours
You've no clue where it has been
Or of one who touched me deeper
So much deeper than you could
Nor of the nightmares that I mimic
Much more often than I should  







Abd

That novel you read some years ago?
Well my friend I read it too.
The one that spoke of forever love:
Of someone for me and you.
There's a reason it's called Fiction.

You can paint me black now.
I'm in the shadow anyway.
And let my tears be evil,
My despair-your resolve.
Turn my sobbing
Into battle cries.
Go ahead, you know me
right?

I feel so very out of place, sitting here amongst inanimate objects, looking at pictures of those I once knew, examining trinkets that once held some importance, which now sit cluttered up by the memories I can't recall with loves I once knew, that I thought forever could not touch, that were picked up by the next day and the next day and are quite scattered now, amongst all the worthless "treasures" of lives' I used to have, no more fitting into this current one, than I do this scene.

I never learned the way of ease,
I drop things with no grace,
As when earth itself does move,
And knocks things out of place.
You just stand there oh so stunned,
I drop things with no grace.

I never even learned to love,
And yet you still loved me,
In a way I did not deserve,
In a place that I could not be,
For I was just too hideous,
And yet you still loved me.

I never felt the true sting of loss,
But I sure feel it today.
(It was for your own good, my love,
That I sent your love away.)
Nor that I could feel your hate.
But I sure feel it today.

I will accept all the guilt of this,
And I will take the blame.
For I'm already so very ugly,
What difference makes the shame.
Just go ahead and **** me now,
And I will take the blame.

It's funny how we all just seem
To come and then go again.
Sometimes here, sometimes not,
Sometimes just checking in.
To see if any old friend of ours,
Has just.. like us...stopped by.
And left a little post-it poem,
As their way of saying "hi."