Just as death claims his prize
6 more souls awake; arise
Mortality never has, nor can
Still the beating heart of "man."
As tender trickles fill the bowl
Earthly tasks consume the soul
Becoming all the eye can see
Til blinded by eternity.

The tiny monsters used to come and play
In my backyard most every day
Controlled with just a stare.
Then little monsters started stopping by
A bit more evil in their eye
Controlled now with a glare.
But the bigger monsters, well they came at last
And I, with no more looks to cast,
Grabbed the nearest gun.
And without a thought of the fatal game
One quick finger and perfect aim
I killed all but one.

Somewhere on the scale between life and death she existed.
Shallow breaths subdued her mind into grey.
Monotony grew off monotony; a numbed slumber.
Dulled senses had become nothing but fray.
Quiet soul with blurry eyes and a heart sedated; ...when
A mere breeze of a whisper, nudged her back towards life again.

I lived in Resolve.
Such a quiet and beautiful place.
Bountiful air; restricted space.
An intusscepted portal.
Until a very peculiar slant of light,
With heavenly spin; point just right,
Pierced my singular soft spot
(through sheets held tight)
And made me mortal.

If anyone ever wanted to know me
All they would have to do is read my poetry.
My whole life, my entire being is in there.
My past, my present, my future....all there.
All the joy and loves I've known right there
Along with dreams that failed,
Opportunities lost, faith forgotten, faith renewed
Desires, secrets, ****** encounters
My sweet side, my dark sides
My fears and my inadequacies
Humor, habits, hope, and hang ups.
All there.
The things my heart breaks for
The things that couldn't break me.
Even the things I purposefully broke.
But so far no one has had the urge
To read all this nonsense
And I am okay with that.
Better to know myself than to be known.

Appropriate hello and thank you
With the offer of a shower
Not known for weeks.
Shakes so fine you could call them
Vibrations.
Brittle bone ******* on white skin
Near death he was.
Hungry, dope sick, and dying
Right in front of me.
And I watched that locked bathroom door
As one waits for another's last breath
Quiet, still, patient.
Until the water turned off
And then I retreated a bit
As if to offer some tiny bit of dignity
Shoving half a leftover cake into ziplocs
For his exit.
Reminding myself I'm such a hypocrite
To think I've got it all together
That he is somehow less than me.
Truth is we are all a ******* mess
All with our own unique addictions
Fighting over and over again
With personal demons
That we made ourselves and
Losing every time.

There are way too many of us
Expecting the knock to come one day
Praying that the phone won't ring
And take what's left of hope away

There are way too many of us
Hidden here sharing our shame
While living useless helpless days
From dawn to dusk ...the same.

There are way too many of us
But somehow still unseen
By others in their perfect worlds
Whose children are so clean

There are way too many of us
Who make our worlds so small
Because even friends don't understand
The pure horror of it all

There are way too many of us
Hearing that what we do isn't right
Tough love or enabling?
Whatever helps us sleep at night.

There are way too many of us
Just waiting for the sky to fall
Wishing today might be the day
That just puts an end to it all.

If I must die today my Lord
Please let me die with grace
Let me pass expressionless
With no ill upon my face.
And if I must die today my Lord
Please let me unencumbered be
Of any regret that has long since passed
As I traverse from me to thee
And if must die today my Lord
Please send the peace to those still here
That death was my greatest pardon
And with pardon comes no fear.
And if I must die today my Lord
Please do not let me writhe
And again return to me the dignity
With which I lived my life.
If I must die today my Lord
Please turn the mood to grey
And usher calm into this room
Lord, If I must die today.

All the nasty names they have
For you who I call friend.
Foul mouth from the "righteous" ones
Of which there is no end.
But it is because of you
My heart is able to break
For the ones with glassy eyes
And for the ones that shake
For every single soul that
Sought and yet could not find
A connection they so needed
A-**** those we call man"kind."
Too many just ignore you,
Therefore they can not see
Gods purpose in your sickness
Is to cure someone like me.
Ill from my own ignorance
Til I asked you for your name.
And then you shared your story
And I'll never be the same.
For those chains that you always wear
They have somehow set me free
God taught me what real love was
By revealing you to me.
So I call it a true blessing
Through God's mysterious way
That I can see the beauty of
The addicts for which I pray.

I read back a decade ago
Words that were written just for me
So beautiful and so pleading
To accept what was meant to be.
I relive the only era
I have ever known passion true
Embittered by the knowledge that
I lost it all when I lost you.
Delusional I guess I am
Believing to this very day
That a pad, a pen, and passport
Could take a decades pain away.
Taking daily mental pictures
Of things I have no way to share
Thinking you would want to see them
But you probably wouldn't care
"It's time to let him go" they say.
"You can't move on unless you do."
Ten years later and still alone.
Because my heart belongs to you.

One hand or less
The souls
Beyond perhaps a year
Would still feel my
Absence
And might still shed a tear
So sad to think
The love
Of which I strove to give
A lifetimes worth
Also dies
The day I cease to live.
Forgettable
My self
Average at its best
Loved by few and...
Counted
On just one hand or less

You were here yesterday
For just a moment I saw you
Bag on your arched back
Frown on your face
With darting dilated eyes
Changed...rather altered
In so short a time
From the best piece of me
Into the addicted you
That held no favor anymore
For the old familiar one
So starved for the chaos
That the demon feeds you
That you never noticed me
Begging in anguish for you
To be you again
Inside my head
Over and over and over
And then you were gone
I couldn't stop you
I couldn't fix you
But I still love you
You are living too fast
While I die too slow

Hi.
It's me again
No he and I
No me and them
No we or us
It's always just me.
I guess that's what Destiny
Claims it to be.
And that's the great tragedy
Of having such a strong mind
There's nothing it must search for
That in itself  it will not find.  
Theres nothing one can offer
Nor anything I can gain
The only challenge in my life
Is my brain against my brain.

This empty space
Is so cold
There is numbness here
A slowing of life , of thought
Occasionally visited by a confused delusion in a half waking dream
That leaves too soon
There is no life here
Only death
Hope left an age ago
I just wait now
Mourning is done
And I spin...
A centrifuge of nausea
With chunks of ***** floating by
In a decided manner
And the air thins as awareness fades
Just how long will this take?
They never really taught me that in astronaut school.

I always come back here
Where I can speak without shame
Where there are no acquaintances to judge
Or offer ignorant advice...no whispers
As I pass
I pass uncaring anyway
I've learned no one really matters
No one's thoughts or opinions mean a **** thing in the end
The way I see it we are all born with an estimated 75 to 100 year life sentence
I've spent over half my term sharing space with one addict or another
Checking the cell for contraband while they sleep
Not for fear they would take me out with it
More out of fear they would end their sentence prematurely
Which is so unfair to the rest of us.
And when the sleepless nights
Get to be too much I just go a little mad
Enough to get solitary for a little while
You see I've learned enough lessons for now
I have no use to learn more than a man needs to know in this place
I can recognize a liar and the one who schemes behind my back
But most disturbing I see the brokenness of all mankind that will never be fixed
At least not while "in ward."

The hours seem to pass so slow
While the years go spinning by
Forgotten dates of long ago
So fixed.  Yet still they fly.
As wind carries forth the seasons
And shadows mark the day
So go the treasured memories
As the mind meets with decay.

I'm attractive enough
Smart too
Willing to do things
Others won't do
The purple in the room of white
The spirit that no one can hold
Nothing ever meets my prize
No one ever sparks my soul
Alone I wander alone I live
And cry in torture every night
That I've no one to share this life
That nothing no one makes me right

The wind will grant its pardon
And the clouds a blessed reprieve
The sun will take the shorter route
And earlier come the eve.
The air itself will become more clear
And the horizon will begin to sprawl
The smell of fire and crisp leaves
Will welcome in the Fall.

"Crackle" goes the brittle leaf
Orphaned by the tree.
"Shh!" the doe responds to it
"The hunter's after me!"
The hunter takes his aim and whispers
"I've got you now..at last!"
Until the bear sneaks up behind
and grinds out,"not so fast!"

With a jaw tight as a vise
And eyes with pinprick beam
I swallow once unnoticed
Withdraw at every seam
No thought at all...a statue
No ears to longer hear
A focal point behind you
Is all that is still clear
A moment yet a lifetime
A drop without the fall
I breathe and walk right past you
As if you weren't there at all.

She said," You live just a bit too far,
Too far from where the people are
To see the industry of the day
Or to hear the children as they play."
I replied," I live just far enough away
To see all that heaven will display
And hear God's voice when I pray,
A shame you don't live too far as well,
For this is where the angels dwell."

The features are faded at the edges
In the fog-ged path I walk alone
Dusk has come and gone by now
The dampened trees begin to moan
One foot first and then the other
A breath with every one
Degrees are dropping fast now
Since the setting of the sun.
No candle burns to guide me
The full moon my only light
Reflecting off the shadows
That are darting left and right
The wind, is howling its commands,
Cracking twigs are keeping pace
Behind my hurried fearful steps
That are lost now in this place.
And I am on the path no more
And I can't find the way
Whispers echo off the brush,
"You're not going home today."

To discriminate without bias
To master such a skill
To demonstrate all knowledge
With a clear decisive will
To seperate right from wrong
To cull out any grey
To speak without emotions lead
With words that show a way
To weigh with perfect measure
To balance hope with what is real
To fill thy inner spirit up
With what is true not what we feel
To survey all with settled eyes
To learn when to take & when to give
To stand tall in a violent storm
With a heart that does not live.

I know that while I sleep tonight
So many of you may die
A heaviness will tuck you in
Like a sheet across the sky
And together you will cower
In every corner you can find
Heart beats right in sync with
The roaring of your mind
Unrelenting punishment
From unrelenting rain
And just when you think it's over
It will return again.
With a wind that rips your soul away
As pure hell invades your sky,
Then hopelessness will take over
As your sons and daughters cry.
How sickening it is to know
That I must sleep here just the same
While you wage a war for life
Against a storm who earned a name.

Opening the channel from there to here
Opportunity for a song
Comfort from the heavens
With breath it moves along

And dangles by his front porch swing
Your chair so very near
Death may claim the warmth of one
But not the music that you'll hear

For love endures all things they say
Even loneliness and pain
A simple windchime reminder
Until you find him once again.

I remember him yanking the sheets away from me
And how the cold hit my skin
Stung
Drawing my knees up to cover my nakedness
Clutching them to my chest to hide
Totally exposed against my will
Seeing something like repulsion in his eyes only different.. more empty
While I cried and begged for the covers back
For a very long time while he laughed
Before balling up the sheet and slinging it at my face
And then saying, "put some ******* clothes on, *****."
Then he left the room.
This from someone I loved, who used to love me.
From someone who became a stranger.
Almost overnight.
And that's how one chooses not to love again.

purple petals in a birdbath -
like rafts during the rain -
bobbing briefly with each drop -
like memories on the brain -

I could speak long on heartbreak.
I've known it pure and known it true.
But what poor converse that would make
I won't do that to you.

Besides you have all of your own ****
That has left you beaten too.
And,"no," I don't want to hear about it
I don't care that much for you.

Let's just leave our pasts in the past
For it's the po-lite thing to do
"My day was fine. I'm glad you asked!"
Now pretend you like me too.

Suppose I write these words
For a target yet unknown
Cast them out into the world
Just as if the wind had blown
Like feathers may they travel
Flutter up and all around
Praying that they do not drift
Unnoticed to the ground.
But rather cross my soulmates path
By chance or by hopes might
To bring me a lover all my own
With these words I write.

Just a wee bit too eccentric,
And a little bit too much drink,
Yet the passion in the hallway
Did certainly make me think
And yes, your airplane was so cool
And I liked you were smarter than me.
But I'm so glad I didn't fall in love.
Because you wanted a family.
Aged 43- and as of yet no child
In need of a son to be an heir
And the thought of being a mom again
Was just way too much to bear.
Whether you even liked me for me
Well I guess I never truly knew
Most times I felt more like an applicant
For a job I couldn't do.
But all things turn out as they should
It was so nice to see you the other day
To hear that you had met another
And had a little Martin on the way. :)

1.Go out alone. Don't arrive with an obnoxious group of friends that don't get out enough. That's what girls nights out are for.

2. Wear something neutral. Don't put too much time into getting ready. Keep it classy. No ****** heels.

(btw ...these time tested and ***** approved instructions are for when you are in need of company only. If you are looking for a relationship, love, or some serious life partner, these instructions will not be of use to you.  Trust me on that. )

3. Stay away from cheesy dives, go with hotel lounges, (lots of middle aged conference men there away from their wives just waiting to take full advantage of their freedom. It also allows u to avoid driving anywhere with a complete stranger.)

4. Walk in with your eyes down  and not too quickly.

5. Sit at the bar...right in the center.

6. Order whatever you really want.

7. Scan the room only once or twice.

8. Choose your victim ( whatever you fancy) and  make eye contact.

9. Shift your hips slightly in your seat as if u are already turned on , then look away.

10. Wait to be approached.

11. Make the social introductions but keep small talk to a minimum. He doesn't need to know where u were born or what u do for a living or likewise.

12. Ask to go to his room.

13. Let him think he's in charge until you get there.

14. Then just simply undress, take the top position, place his arms over his head and apply full rocking body weight at all times until your finished.

15. Calmly dress and leave. You can offer a simple "thank you," if you must. (I usually do not), however, never give your real name or leave a number...not even a fake one.
Just go.
It's pretty simple really.

(Safe *** of course...always a must :-))

Always interested in hearing other's techniques...please feel free to share.

She stood in the garden, alone, and spoke aloud.
"I so wish I could hear your voice again. There's just a snippit left in my head...it's been so long.
The quirky laugh, so nonchalant, as I remember, questions requiring deeper thought, and yet the answers were always so easy.
The tone which I at first never expected but later identified with you and only you...and still do..if I were to only hear it again...match it to that snippit I play over and over again more times than I care to admit...well then   maybe then I would feel how I  felt the last time we spoke.... Like I was vital, loved, scared, and yet safe all at the same time. Sometimes...but only on a very rare occasion, do I wish that I could turn that snippit off. Just so I wouldn't have to miss you for a moment or two. "
"And who has loved like this ? " she asks herself pitifully.
" Only me."-...she whispered in self reply, as he listened quietly from behind the northern wall, never making a sound, before turning and going on about his day.
Just as one lone tear waters the gardenia.

Awakening at 4 am for a needed touch. The stillness requires it, the quiet calls for it, the darkness outright demands it. Expectant, quivering, and ...done. 4:03. Alone.

On a sermon note,  when I guess I should have been listening, I scribbled a poem years ago that I now find in a long neglected book I used to smuggle in every Sunday. A stoic book and in the folds I find the never published long forgotten write of an imagined future day that fate holds from above just out of grasp. That sparkling jewel of hope. A day with darting eyes and deep swallows, heaving hidden breaths, electric thoughts. Two of the corners are shriveled now , one side requiring unrolling the see the last words of each line. Interjected words here and there to change the nuance just a bit. Truth is in there, pleasure too. Between the space of whispered glances and a final goodbye. Wonder what it all means now. I can't quite wrap my head around it much like the sermon of that day. So I will leave it with Pope, right in the middle of the Windsor Forest, "to consult the dead and live past ages o'er."

Those thoughts, that we once lit upon, in such a rage,
(Oh!  how ablaze they once were and Oh! how quick they flew)
Scribbled posthaste onto the now much duller page,
To immortalize- as only the penned word can do.
And so, if ever apt,... regress to way back when,
(at least for a time, at least in mind,...return alone)
To dig them from their coffers - let them live again,
all of the greatest passions our souls had ever known;
To resurrect the fire that only youth can start,
(Recover- , a breathless moment or a wanton gaze)
Exhume instead- , a tear, shed from a lifeless heart,
To bestow the elegy of our departed days.

It gets much easier the more I do it
Harder to love the less it's known
Like a wind, I blow right through it
This life, a life content, a life alone.

Just how many movies can a girl watch in a lifetime anyway ?
Funny how I have been most of the characters at some point in my life.
I've actually just recently progressed from the pathetic Bridget Jones
to Fat Amy in "How to be Single."...or perhaps Tom in the same flick.
  
I find it twisted yet somehow quite revolutionary the way my mind works.

Anyway... There are no sleepovers. I have no desire to cuddle strangers.

Another bizarre premiere.

'Twas not a death of ceaseless breathing,
But rather one of love deceiving,
From which the soul did die.
And by doing so, then guided pleasure,
To a grave no one could measure,
Beneath a weary sky.
Without a stake even for its leaving,
Or further thought of its conceiving,
It quietly held its own,
Appearing no worse for the heaving
Sighing less heavily while bereaving,
A spot no tree had grown.

Ah! To let you believe I became your victim
Theres no better reward for me
I chose and took your soul ...you fool
Too ignorant to see
I don't allow a glimpse within
Despite you thinking so
How bored I have become again
With all the status quo
With all the base humane of weak
Of all the stupid fare
Even now I dumb this down
Just so that I can share
Oh have you met the devil?
I guarantee that you have not.
He sends me presdisposing
Of all unworthy lot.

It just comes down to rot really.
Dangling on a ledge of a mountain it took your whole life to climb.
For what ?
To let go?
"Hell no!" they say....that's not allowed.
"That's too ******* easy," they preach.
Placing a coward label on every tired soul
who deserves the liberty to say
"Enough is enough!"
Somehow we don't get the right to die anymore.
Gotta leave something behind to carry on, right?
Work our entire god forsaken lives for the good of others....struggle through....make it through...see it through,... right ?
Thats noble.
Praise the noble souls who led easy lives
But **** on the pained, beaten ones who finally say," I'm done."
"I've done enough, I've had enough, I'm exhausted."
Yeah ...blaspheme the jumper they will.
Been screaming half my life for someone to hear, "Im dying here people!"
Ignorant ***** won't hear me on the way down either.

By the time it becomes visible
I'll have been in hell for quite a while
Tight mittens binding up my hands
Tempered wince behind the smile

Moist cement ...three feet deep
And a mind that won't think straight
Clumsy and slow...trudging along
In a fogged deficient state.

Simple things become so great
And the pain won't let me be
Slumber 14 hours long
Meet the new..unimproved...ME.

Closest to the memory
Heartaches holding fast
Imagination feeding on
What never was or passed.
Who is it that does not enjoy
Crying all alone at night
Over make-believe scenarios
That never end in right.
Tragedy has always kept
such company for the brain
Illiciting pleasure quite akin to
A funeral in the rain.

Should I blame my God?
Or does it lie with me?
Did fate or chance or fairies?
Take your soul from me?

Was this in "the plan?" Perhaps.
Or was there some lack of will?
Either way of no import...
But,oh! I love you still.

I know your words are not for me.
It doesn't hurt much anymore.
Just a little sting, a tiny pinch,
Not the heartache like before.
Knowing that the ***** I feel
Isn't only for a love I never had
But also for the fickleness of man
Well..that makes me doubly sad.

I don't know where I lost you...where we lost "us." Two individuals who met at just the perfect time, a time of hope, dreams, immortal thoughts. That was beauty. Unsustainable riveting beauty. Beauty as does time , they both have their prime and  their peak. And once that peak is reached the only place to go is down again, unless you set up a tiny house next to a tree and stay there. We didn't do that. We should have done that. We should have **** sight done that.

Sometimes it just hits me,
(be it sunset or sunrise,)
A quirky grin; a funny look
from a similar pair of eyes.
And I begin to grieve again,
(be it a moment or a day)
For the love I never really knew,
Until it up and went away.
It's no matter, where he is now,
(be it miles or next door,)
For he is just a hollow ghost,
Of the one I know no more.

I believe in my delusion.
By definition...its real to me.
I am sleek, mysterious, sought.
grand piano, flapper dress, long cigarette sought.
Unseen but expected garter holding me together.
Perhaps the only thing holding me together.
Scoffing advances because I have that liberty.
Cognac ..no champagne.
No mother to advise proper.
No need for etiquette when I intimidate so well.
The quiet masterpiece in the room.
Their whispers make me
And I love me
Not adored but renowned
I shade my eyes and exit
Taking all of the air with me

Oh! to hold the secret
For the souls tranquility
Whilst the earth itself may shake
And storms rise up at sea

To retreat unto it's own
Where all life's joys of past have flown
And just breathe them all back in
To  feel them right..all over again.

No need for speech; nor serpents vow,
Amongst this garden fair,
For fate has granted only now,
A portion; just our share.
Willing to trade a lifetime for
The privilege to stay here.
But we've no such liberty anymore
The night is drawing near.
Placed but for a moment lone
In a paradise apart
From the bitter world we've known
But now we must depart
And return the ways we came
You yours and I my own
And yet we'll never be the same
For the paradise we've known.