An empty chair
A couple goats
And many sleepless nights
A playlist
A delivery truck
4am headlights
2 tee shirts
A quiet phone
A game of chess or two
A caramel frap
My broken heart
Are all thats left of you.

I know it wasn't you.
Just the demon inside
That took me for its prey.
And changed your view
Of me,  to one who lied,
So he could have his way.

I know it wasn't you.
Just the demon inside
That wouldn't go away.
You did what you had to.
Strike to ****... then hide
But I loved you anyway.

Partial or impartial; the blessings of God?
For if known love; known still the rod.
Gods favors to all each evenly so?,
Or blanketed for the whole world to know?
All; vice and virtue, foe and friend,
Fortune and fall; All must contend.
Wake to a most wondrous sight;
Still the tears will come at night.
Hands have touched that loved me so;
Likewise hands I did not know.
The fulcrum; sane to quite insane
Swings from loss to swing toward gain.
The middle stillness? A heart content at rest?
When the swinging stops;  is that when we are blessed?
Pushed or pulled by a higher guide?
Or is it all chance that's left to decide?
Moved alone by the will inside?
Or purely by the force of nature's pride?
We long for shrieks of ecstasy, for pleasure that won't last.
Just to shiver in the shadows that tragedy will cast.
All the questions with no answers got,
To think upon or think upon not.

Just how ******* angry can I get now?
Kubler-Ross got an answer for that?
Because I don't. And it isn't looking good from here. All the giving and taking of it. And menial use of a whole. Like a game it is. One where everybody loses but there's always one who loves to lose, isn't there? One who carries sorrow like a ****** sash. One who ignores the cold lonely thought of death, as if it will never come. And so they curse and dismiss the one and only thing that death can't ****. Genuine love. They take the easy way out. ******* cowards. Lying in your beds, just lying there detached and selfish and ugly. And oh how they multiply until there are more and more hideously smiling losers in love with only pride and the pain they inflict on others. Give them a ******* trophy would you? Let them take their ******* bows already and move on. Before a whole new level of wrath is unleashed upon the heartless. Like a ******* flood it will rise to their eyeballs, with one last look at me on my self righteous hill saying, "Told you mother *******." You just don't **** with genuine.

Please allow me time
Time to untangle myself
From all the trappings
You set for me
The hidden ones
And the ones I gladly walked into
Just to love you.
Time to detach every fiber
Of myself from yours
So I can feel whole as one again
Time to regain the strength
So I can move
Time for my heart to steady
And my wounds to close
And my head to stop reeling
Time to be myself again
And to be content with that.

I am not within your universe
Where imagination's dead.
I dwell apart in another
I created in it's stead.
Where mood is easily altered
By the rationing of the sun.
Though all the fragrances mingle
I still name them one by one.
My universe without any walls
Yet no entrance either be
Unparalled to any other because
It belongs to only me.

Ill rest my head here for a while...
Laying here wondering how she has me so beguiled,
When i think of her I always smile,
Time with her eternal, away I revile,
I want to *** in her but make no child.  Boom ya!

Its not the sharpest teeth
That makes an enemy so.
Sharper be the teeth you find
On friend rather than foe.

Lets float on the surface
Where the sun plays with the waves
In infinite ways of beautiful
In a peaceful sated daze.
Where the sounds are crisp and clear
And the light tricks our eyes
Lets just float here buoyant; free
Abandoned to the skies.
Think nothing of whats underneath
Where all the sounds becomes one hum
And the sun can't seem to penetrate
And weighted we become
No, lets just float on the surface
Be tickled by the waves
In infinite ways of beautiful
For infinite length of days.

As she opened and removed her robe
She tore her walls down with it
And stood completely naked
As if displaying herself to God
And waiting for judgement
With a bare soul and raw fear.
The air heaved at the sacrifice
The earth trembled.
The sun dimmed.
Oceans stilled.
Heaven cried.
Mankind laughed.

For what virtue does the mind proceed,
To urge a soul towards war?
Disarm it with a dreadful deed
And poison what is pure?
What reason ever may transpire?
What wisdom be learned here?
By turning a saint into a liar
And rational to fear?
As we know no value of a gold;
That never leaves our hand,
And only when a dream is sold,
Do we ever understand.  
As we only see one shade of white
Until another shade's beside,
And think almost nothing of the light,
Until we wish to hide.
So let the thoughtful lessons be
More knowledge for the wise,
The mind will claim its victory
As the soul meets its demise.

Words are meaningless
Love is beautiful before it breaks you.
Tears change nothing.
Real is rare and unacceptable.
Hope dies swiftly
Sharing yourself leaves you empty
Exposing your soul is suicide.
And I am no one special.

The day is coming soon or late
When all this matters no more
I'll chuckle when I contemplate
What all the worry was for.
All the struggle was wasted time
The prayers were pointless too.
Meaningless also; every rhyme.
Everything I did or didn't do.
The silent agonous cries at night,
The tears that were shed for naught,
Every smile, joy, and beautiful sight,
When that day comes, will be forgot.

I know why I scare you.
I can be kind and unknowingly fierce,
So open and so closed,
Perfect and flawed,
All at the same time.
I know I can be trusted
But know I'm not.
I'm not one you can predict.
I fight great battles
And lose, and rejoice in the loss.
I speak parables and pain
Blessings and burdens.
I see so many dimensions.
That don't exist for you.
I barter for slavery instead of freedom
And walk naked among angels
That you can't see.
I talk to the dead
Because they listen.  
And am feared though I have no power
Over you.
I'm not accepted because I'm different.
I don't see an end or a goal
I see enlightenment.  
I can brush my teeth with Dickinson
And cook with Aurelius.
Introduce them to each other
At lunch.
A canopy of trees is a squirrel's playground to me.
I am quite often misunderstood
And conceived to be crazy.
But when I see a bird I watch it
As long as it takes for that bird to go.  
And wonder if anyone will ever
Watch me for that long.

You smell of dawn's cologne
Mingled with the mid-days sweat
It's the scent of you that's still the same

"The truth will set you free!"
I guess it worked that way for me.
Free from lovers, free from friends.
A simple lie could make amends.
And satisfied the plain would be.
If I could withstand the scrutiny.

Here is what I do know now,
A few things learned from you,
Fairy tales do not exist;
Though our love is so true.
There will not be a rider
On a steed so very white
No kiss to resurrect me
Even though this feels so right.
No prince to make me royalty
No savior when I fall
No one surrenders anymore
No. No one, not at all.
Practicality now says
Two can not just become one
We must now sign a contract
Before any merger's done.
So true love now is jaded
While reason wins yet again
No exchange of any vows
Save for paper and a pen.

No, I didnt get to leave.  
Like I wanted to.
Like I was meant to.
I didn't get to go see what you saw
Or search for myself under a lone tree.
I stayed here.
To save it all while it all died around me.
People I loved.
Trees I planted.
My only comforts.
Burying them one at a time.  
Fickle doesn't fit here.
The only thing that works here is giving.
There's nothing for me to take
Only give.
And I do. I give it all.
And it is taken.
Usually that doesn't bother me
But today I'm ******.
Today I'm tired.
Having a conversation with myself.
And we dont get along anymore.
We are too different.
And have betrayed each other too many times.
I have learned living contrary to one's nature
Is ******* misery.
And worse as I chose it.
The great one who steps up to save the day
Has to do it forever
Or be branded as terrible.
When do I get to live, be me, run?
To leave would mean hurting the only ones
That I ever loved.
And all my dreams probably would never come true
Anyway.

Just a jumble
By a troubled mind
Or perhaps a tired one
Who looks through frosted glass
For all the parts to make the whole
Of you.
Collecting your past acts
And contrary present,
All of your tells and words,
Truths and indescrepancies
The slightest of body language
To form an image of a soul
That is unknown
And upon finding the concoction
Rather plain
I can add a little smoke
Or a little drink
And quite simply
Take all those pieces apart
Study them; scrutinize them up close
Until they all blur and skip a bit
Then rearrange them all
Repeating this process
Of infinite possibilities
Until the result is either too beautiful to truly love,
Or too hideous to abandon.
This is how I determine who you are.
By how I construct you
And how I perceive you
In this light or that.
In limitless dimensions,
You easily become
Someone I can love or hate
Hold or let go of
Regard or disregard
I can do this forever.
You are irrelevant.

I took the bait that dangled
Starving as I was.
For a taste of something new.
Made a challenge of accepting
An imagined captivity.
I could make a habit out of this.  
A willing slave.  
And just stay, learning.
Learning your motivation,
Your sins.
Intriguing as it is...
It is not harmless.
Not for the Master,
Who underestimates
His captor.

The hands that will touch me now
Will be calloused
But they will not hurt me
Not like your slow hands
That massaged in a poison
Without me ever knowing
No. The hands that will touch me now
Will belong to a monster
Without a disguise.
That's bravery.  That's love.

The space between life and death
Narrows as it goes.
Smothering at the end.
From light to deep grey
Hope to hopelessness
Final hours are no blessing
Just an expectant waiting
Almost a begging plea
For that last breath
For mercy
And there is a reverence to it all
Where the world no longer matters
And beauty takes a different form
When memories clutch the brain
And acceptance descends
Panic abates
And a beating heart finally stops

I have traveled on Route 66
Where opportunists passed before
Been up and down State Route 1
Along the California shore
Made the trips along I-90
Back and forth, east to west
Drove a decade or more away
With very little rest.
Saw a giant freeway moon
And felt God on 89A
I got to all my destinations
And found myself along the way.
Been all around the country
It's in my blood to roam.
And no other place will ever do.
The highway is my home.

Actions whip upon my flesh
You know yet turn away
And use the liberty that I gave you
With the words I wouldn't say.
Backing down without a fight
Yes, darling that's my way
Victory is most often won
In choosing not to play.
And so now start the battles
Between yourself and sin
Battles you are sure to lose
Just to lose all over again.
Cunning from a weaker foe
Who doesn't know his enemy
Requires no consideration
And holds no pause for me.
And so the whips are turned...and
Your flesh is now their aim
Because I won your very soul
Without playing the game.

I hear the bells as well my friend
Those knocks upon the door
That never should be opened
To the faint,.. of that I'm sure.
And friend, I too, I dress in white
To contrast the blackened span.
I too feel nauseous at the sight
Of the passionless hearts of man.
So I've kept company with a soul
Whose thoughts are so absurd
They tapped until they formed a hole
With taps I never heard.
Where stars, ideas, and ghosts collide
Then tumble out to space
With all the agonous shrills that died
To never find their resting place.  
I chase perfection in my brain
Where the mad race has no end.
And deem myself quite insane
Just like you,  my evil friend!

Oh but yet another drunken spillage
Onto a quiet hidden page
Pieces moving all around
While I am filled with rage
A soul barely lived
And begging for a span
So barely loved amongst
The mediocre man.

You didn't follow
That line in my soul
Did it bore you I wonder?
The wholeness of another.
Did you recognize the value
Of a spirit allowing access
And opt out?
Or were you plagued by the blindness
That affects most men?
No matter
No difference
The coupon expired
The public offering closed
And the loss is yours

In my untimely search for truth
I pre-empted doubt with grief.
That surely would have been delayed
If 'twere not for unbelief.
And while I suffered it sooner
'Twas not of any less degree
Nor even of a shorter span
Than if truth had looked for me.

"Words once spoken," we have all heard
But what about the written word?
Much harsher when on paper set.
Eyes remember what ears forget.
For the reader may return at will
And they'll feel the heartbreak anew
No! The uttered word just can't compete
With what the mighty pen can do.  
The ink lays out a suffering
For years , for evermore
And the hearts of those who read them,
Must endure, endure, endure!
"Words once spoken," we have all heard.
But think upon that written word,
Before it's writ and on the paper set.
For the eyes remember what the ears forget.

A furrow set upon your brow,
My heart just could not bear.
Certain to break the more, if I,
Were the one to place it there.
For who I would be to take a life
And scar it with my own?
To keep it, I must sacrifice
The only love I've known.
And so, before the altar's lit
I will ask you dear.... to go
Please go while you still love me
Just go my darling, go

Might there be a little less mundane, a few less wasted days in pursuit of trivial things. More well-chosen words and well-received wisdom. Less appropriateness and more import. This would be a life well-lived.

It's not yours to write
My story.
I was the only witness
To every second
So if it is to be written
It will be me.
I will search for the words
I will choose the music
The characters will be
As I knew them
Not as the world knew them
I will not embellish
To make it more interesting
It is beautiful enough.

What a feast Satan had today
At the great table
In his giant chair
All the lost children
The fallen angels
Gathered there.
They placed theirs sins on full display
And he ate of them
Each platter of sin
Over and over
Replaced yet again
Heaven having no words to say
And the mothers weeped
But he ate more still
And yet not enough
To ever get his fill
What a feast satan had today

Guess who came to the masquerade ball without a mask.
That would be me.
The naked one with the unsure yet determined
Look on her face.
The one screaming "here I am" from the center of the room
And you noticed me
And I liked you
Until the mask fell off
And you turned the opposite direction in bed
And I love you's shared once were just that,....  shared once.
And then I wished I had worn a costume.
Head to toe armor.
With no eye holes so I would never have seen you.
Or better yet just have stayed home.

When a mothers heart is broken
Even the angels weep
No single word be spoken
As still as the ocean deep
Industry halts in reverence
The sun hoods its great eye
When a mothers heart is broken
The birds wont even fly
When a mothers heart is broken
The clocks stop out of shame
Natures shades are drawn
And heaven does the same.
Onlookers retreat with pity
The wind dares not to blow
When a mother's heart is broken
The whole world seems to know

The sun played with trees this morning
It tickled the dew laden leaves
And tagged the shadows
Enticed a game of hide and seek
With the spiders webs
While the sparrows laughed along
With the audience of squirrels
In the backyard playground.  
It was peace enough for the day
I sent it all to you
On a prayer
Through the stone walls.

Now the scales are shifted
I am weighted; you are light
A simple inverted victory
You won without a fight
Because I loved you first
Pride in silence be,
I (for you) would look away
Please do the same for me.
I am sinking faster now
While buoyantly you rise.
Elated, full, and sated
By misporpurted eyes.
Whether I loved first or last
Oh to love at all!
But to be the one who loved alone
'Tis what makes the balance fall.

Was the prize as grand as you dreamed?
Or not as beautiful as it seemed
From afar; As hope designed
To delude yet another feeble mind.
As distance adds hues to mortal sight.
And man teaches man that wrong is right.
Just as a scratch on a precious stone,
The value of it changes once it's known.
How noble a king until he is felled,
How low sinks the star that you once beheld.
Oh! The hope! But at once the gain....
Can never return to hope again!