"The truth will set you free!"
I guess it worked that way for me.
Free from lovers, free from friends.
A simple lie could make amends.
And satisfied the plain would be.
If I could withstand the scrutiny.

Here is what I do know now,
A few things learned from you,
Fairy tales do not exist;
Though our love is so true.
There will not be a rider
On a steed so very white
No kiss to resurrect me
Even though this feels so right.
No prince to make me royalty
No savior when I fall
No one surrenders anymore
No. No one, not at all.
Practicality now says
Two can not just become one
We must now sign a contract
Before any merger's done.
So true love now is jaded
While reason wins yet again
No exchange of any vows
Save for paper and a pen.

No, I didnt get to leave.  
Like I wanted to.
Like I was meant to.
I didn't get to go see what you saw
Or search for myself under a lone tree.
I stayed here.
To save it all while it all died around me.
People I loved.
Trees I planted.
My only comforts.
Burying them one at a time.  
Fickle doesn't fit here.
The only thing that works here is giving.
There's nothing for me to take
Only give.
And I do. I give it all.
And it is taken.
Usually that doesn't bother me
But today I'm ******.
Today I'm tired.
Having a conversation with myself.
And we dont get along anymore.
We are too different.
And have betrayed each other too many times.
I have learned living contrary to one's nature
Is ******* misery.
And worse as I chose it.
The great one who steps up to save the day
Has to do it forever
Or be branded as terrible.
When do I get to live, be me, run?
To leave would mean hurting the only ones
That I ever loved.
And all my dreams probably would never come true
Anyway.

Just a jumble
By a troubled mind
Or perhaps a tired one
Who looks through frosted glass
For all the parts to make the whole
Of you.
Collecting your past acts
And contrary present,
All of your tells and words,
Truths and indescrepancies
The slightest of body language
To form an image of a soul
That is unknown
And upon finding the concoction
Rather plain
I can add a little smoke
Or a little drink
And quite simply
Take all those pieces apart
Study them; scrutinize them up close
Until they all blur and skip a bit
Then rearrange them all
Repeating this process
Of infinite possibilities
Until the result is either too beautiful to truly love,
Or too hideous to abandon.
This is how I determine who you are.
By how I construct you
And how I perceive you
In this light or that.
In limitless dimensions,
You easily become
Someone I can love or hate
Hold or let go of
Regard or disregard
I can do this forever.
You are irrelevant.

I took the bait that dangled
Starving as I was.
For a taste of something new.
Made a challenge of accepting
An imagined captivity.
I could make a habit out of this.  
A willing slave.  
And just stay, learning.
Learning your motivation,
Your sins.
Intriguing as it is...
It is not harmless.
Not for the Master,
Who underestimates
His captor.

The hands that will touch me now
Will be calloused
But they will not hurt me
Not like your slow hands
That massaged in a poison
Without me ever knowing
No. The hands that will touch me now
Will belong to a monster
Without a disguise.
That's bravery.  That's love.

The space between life and death
Narrows as it goes.
Smothering at the end.
From light to deep grey
Hope to hopelessness
Final hours are no blessing
Just an expectant waiting
Almost a begging plea
For that last breath
For mercy
And there is a reverence to it all
Where the world no longer matters
And beauty takes a different form
When memories clutch the brain
And acceptance descends
Panic abates
And a beating heart finally stops

I have traveled on Route 66
Where opportunists passed before
Been up and down State Route 1
Along the California shore
Made the trips along I-90
Back and forth, east to west
Drove a decade or more away
With very little rest.
Saw a giant freeway moon
And felt God on 89A
I got to all my destinations
And found myself along the way.
Been all around the country
It's in my blood to roam.
And no other place will ever do.
The highway is my home.

Actions whip upon my flesh
You know yet turn away
And use the liberty that I gave you
With the words I wouldn't say.
Backing down without a fight
Yes, darling that's my way
Victory is most often won
In choosing not to play.
And so now start the battles
Between yourself and sin
Battles you are sure to lose
Just to lose all over again.
Cunning from a weaker foe
Who doesn't know his enemy
Requires no consideration
And holds no pause for me.
And so the whips are turned...and
Your flesh is now their aim
Because I won your very soul
Without playing the game.

I hear the bells as well my friend
Those knocks upon the door
That never should be opened
To the faint,.. of that I'm sure.
And friend, I too, I dress in white
To contrast the blackened span.
I too feel nauseous at the sight
Of the passionless hearts of man.
So I've kept company with a soul
Whose thoughts are so absurd
They tapped until they formed a hole
With taps I never heard.
Where stars, ideas, and ghosts collide
Then tumble out to space
With all the agonous shrills that died
To never find their resting place.  
I chase perfection in my brain
Where the mad race has no end.
And deem myself quite insane
Just like you,  my evil friend!

Oh but yet another drunken spillage
Onto a quiet hidden page
Pieces moving all around
While I am filled with rage
A soul barely lived
And begging for a span
So barely loved amongst
The mediocre man.

You didn't follow
That line in my soul
Did it bore you I wonder?
The wholeness of another.
Did you recognize the value
Of a spirit allowing access
And opt out?
Or were you plagued by the blindness
That affects most men?
No matter
No difference
The coupon expired
The public offering closed
And the loss is yours

In my untimely search for truth
I pre-empted doubt with grief.
That surely would have been delayed
If 'twere not for unbelief.
And while I suffered it sooner
'Twas not of any less degree
Nor even of a shorter span
Than if truth had looked for me.

"Words once spoken," we have all heard
But what about the written word?
Much harsher when on paper set.
Eyes remember what ears forget.
For the reader may return at will
And they'll feel the heartbreak anew
No! The uttered word just can't compete
With what the mighty pen can do.  
The ink lays out a suffering
For years , for evermore
And the hearts of those who read them,
Must endure, endure, endure!
"Words once spoken," we have all heard.
But think upon that written word,
Before it's writ and on the paper set.
For the eyes remember what the ears forget.

A furrow set upon your brow,
My heart just could not bear.
Certain to break the more, if I,
Were the one to place it there.
For who I would be to take a life
And scar it with my own?
To keep it, I must sacrifice
The only love I've known.
And so, before the altar's lit
I will ask you dear.... to go
Please go while you still love me
Just go my darling, go

Might there be a little less mundane, a few less wasted days in pursuit of trivial things. More well-chosen words and well-received wisdom. Less appropriateness and more import. This would be a life well-lived.

It's not yours to write
My story.
I was the only witness
To every second
So if it is to be written
It will be me.
I will search for the words
I will choose the music
The characters will be
As I knew them
Not as the world knew them
I will not embellish
To make it more interesting
It is beautiful enough.

What a feast Satan had today
At the great table
In his giant chair
All the lost children
The fallen angels
Gathered there.
They placed theirs sins on full display
And he ate of them
Each platter of sin
Over and over
Replaced yet again
Heaven having no words to say
And the mothers weeped
But he ate more still
And yet not enough
To ever get his fill
What a feast satan had today

Guess who came to the masquerade ball without a mask.
That would be me.
The naked one with the unsure yet determined
Look on her face.
The one screaming "here I am" from the center of the room
And you noticed me
And I liked you
Until the mask fell off
And you turned the opposite direction in bed
And I love you's shared once were just that,....  shared once.
And then I wished I had worn a costume.
Head to toe armor.
With no eye holes so I would never have seen you.
Or better yet just have stayed home.

When a mothers heart is broken
Even the angels weep
No single word be spoken
As still as the ocean deep
Industry halts in reverence
The sun hoods its great eye
When a mothers heart is broken
The birds wont even fly
When a mothers heart is broken
The clocks stop out of shame
Natures shades are drawn
And heaven does the same.
Onlookers retreat with pity
The wind dares not to blow
When a mother's heart is broken
The whole world seems to know

The sun played with trees this morning
It tickled the dew laden leaves
And tagged the shadows
Enticed a game of hide and seek
With the spiders webs
While the sparrows laughed along
With the audience of squirrels
In the backyard playground.  
It was peace enough for the day
I sent it all to you
On a prayer
Through the stone walls.

Now the scales are shifted
I am weighted; you are light
A simple inverted victory
You won without a fight
Because I loved you first
Pride in silence be,
I (for you) would look away
Please do the same for me.
I am sinking faster now
While buoyantly you rise.
Elated, full, and sated
By misporpurted eyes.
Whether I loved first or last
Oh to love at all!
But to be the one who loved alone
'Tis what makes the balance fall.

Was the prize as grand as you dreamed?
Or not as beautiful as it seemed
From afar; As hope designed
To delude yet another feeble mind.
As distance adds hues to mortal sight.
And man teaches man that wrong is right.
Just as a scratch on a precious stone,
The value of it changes once it's known.
How noble a king until he is felled,
How low sinks the star that you once beheld.
Oh! The hope! But at once the gain....
Can never return to hope again!

Just as death claims his prize
6 more souls awake; arise
Mortality never has, nor can
Still the beating heart of "man."
As tender trickles fill the bowl
Earthly tasks consume the soul
Becoming all the eye can see
Til blinded by eternity.

The tiny monsters used to come and play
In my backyard most every day
Controlled with just a stare.
Then little monsters started stopping by
A bit more evil in their eye
Controlled now with a glare.
But the bigger monsters, well they came at last
And I, with no more looks to cast,
Grabbed the nearest gun.
And without a thought of the fatal game
One quick finger and perfect aim
I killed all but one.

Somewhere on the scale between life and death she existed.
Shallow breaths subdued her mind into grey.
Monotony grew off monotony; a numbed slumber.
Dulled senses had become nothing but fray.
Quiet soul with blurry eyes and a heart sedated; ...when
A mere breeze of a whisper, nudged her back towards life again.

I lived in Resolve.
Such a quiet and beautiful place.
Bountiful air; restricted space.
An intusscepted portal.
Until a very peculiar slant of light,
With heavenly spin; point just right,
Pierced my singular soft spot
(through sheets held tight)
And made me mortal.

If anyone ever wanted to know me
All they would have to do is read my poetry.
My whole life, my entire being is in there.
My past, my present, my future....all there.
All the joy and loves I've known right there
Along with dreams that failed,
Opportunities lost, faith forgotten, faith renewed
Desires, secrets, ****** encounters
My sweet side, my dark sides
My fears and my inadequacies
Humor, habits, hope, and hang ups.
All there.
The things my heart breaks for
The things that couldn't break me.
Even the things I purposefully broke.
But so far no one has had the urge
To read all this nonsense
And I am okay with that.
Better to know myself than to be known.

Appropriate hello and thank you
With the offer of a shower
Not known for weeks.
Shakes so fine you could call them
Vibrations.
Brittle bone ******* on white skin
Near death he was.
Hungry, dope sick, and dying
Right in front of me.
And I watched that locked bathroom door
As one waits for another's last breath
Quiet, still, patient.
Until the water turned off
And then I retreated a bit
As if to offer some tiny bit of dignity
Shoving half a leftover cake into ziplocs
For his exit.
Reminding myself I'm such a hypocrite
To think I've got it all together
That he is somehow less than me.
Truth is we are all a ******* mess
All with our own unique addictions
Fighting over and over again
With personal demons
That we made ourselves and
Losing every time.

There are way too many of us
Expecting the knock to come one day
Praying that the phone won't ring
And take what's left of hope away

There are way too many of us
Hidden here sharing our shame
While living useless helpless days
From dawn to dusk ...the same.

There are way too many of us
But somehow still unseen
By others in their perfect worlds
Whose children are so clean

There are way too many of us
Who make our worlds so small
Because even friends don't understand
The pure horror of it all

There are way too many of us
Hearing that what we do isn't right
Tough love or enabling?
Whatever helps us sleep at night.

There are way too many of us
Just waiting for the sky to fall
Wishing today might be the day
That just puts an end to it all.

If I must die today my Lord
Please let me die with grace
Let me pass expressionless
With no ill upon my face.
And if I must die today my Lord
Please let me unencumbered be
Of any regret that has long since passed
As I traverse from me to thee
And if must die today my Lord
Please send the peace to those still here
That death was my greatest pardon
And with pardon comes no fear.
And if I must die today my Lord
Please do not let me writhe
And again return to me the dignity
With which I lived my life.
If I must die today my Lord
Please turn the mood to grey
And usher calm into this room
Lord, If I must die today.

All the nasty names they have
For you who I call friend.
Foul mouth from the "righteous" ones
Of which there is no end.
But it is because of you
My heart is able to break
For the ones with glassy eyes
And for the ones that shake
For every single soul that
Sought and yet could not find
A connection they so needed
A-**** those we call man"kind."
Too many just ignore you,
Therefore they can not see
Gods purpose in your sickness
Is to cure someone like me.
Ill from my own ignorance
Til I asked you for your name.
And then you shared your story
And I'll never be the same.
For those chains that you always wear
They have somehow set me free
God taught me what real love was
By revealing you to me.
So I call it a true blessing
Through God's mysterious way
That I can see the beauty of
The addicts for which I pray.

I read back a decade ago
Words that were written just for me
So beautiful and so pleading
To accept what was meant to be.
I relive the only era
I have ever known passion true
Embittered by the knowledge that
I lost it all when I lost you.
Delusional I guess I am
Believing to this very day
That a pad, a pen, and passport
Could take a decades pain away.
Taking daily mental pictures
Of things I have no way to share
Thinking you would want to see them
But you probably wouldn't care
"It's time to let him go" they say.
"You can't move on unless you do."
Ten years later and still alone.
Because my heart belongs to you.

One hand or less
The souls
Beyond perhaps a year
Would still feel my
Absence
And might still shed a tear
So sad to think
The love
Of which I strove to give
A lifetimes worth
Also dies
The day I cease to live.
Forgettable
My self
Average at its best
Loved by few and...
Counted
On just one hand or less

You were here yesterday
For just a moment I saw you
Bag on your arched back
Frown on your face
With darting dilated eyes
Changed...rather altered
In so short a time
From the best piece of me
Into the addicted you
That held no favor anymore
For the old familiar one
So starved for the chaos
That the demon feeds you
That you never noticed me
Begging in anguish for you
To be you again
Inside my head
Over and over and over
And then you were gone
I couldn't stop you
I couldn't fix you
But I still love you
You are living too fast
While I die too slow

Hi.
It's me again
No he and I
No me and them
No we or us
It's always just me.
I guess that's what Destiny
Claims it to be.
And that's the great tragedy
Of having such a strong mind
There's nothing it must search for
That in itself  it will not find.  
Theres nothing one can offer
Nor anything I can gain
The only challenge in my life
Is my brain against my brain.

This empty space
Is so cold
There is numbness here
A slowing of life , of thought
Occasionally visited by a confused delusion in a half waking dream
That leaves too soon
There is no life here
Only death
Hope left an age ago
I just wait now
Mourning is done
And I spin...
A centrifuge of nausea
With chunks of ***** floating by
In a decided manner
And the air thins as awareness fades
Just how long will this take?
They never really taught me that in astronaut school.

I always come back here
Where I can speak without shame
Where there are no acquaintances to judge
Or offer ignorant advice...no whispers
As I pass
I pass uncaring anyway
I've learned no one really matters
No one's thoughts or opinions mean a **** thing in the end
The way I see it we are all born with an estimated 75 to 100 year life sentence
I've spent over half my term sharing space with one addict or another
Checking the cell for contraband while they sleep
Not for fear they would take me out with it
More out of fear they would end their sentence prematurely
Which is so unfair to the rest of us.
And when the sleepless nights
Get to be too much I just go a little mad
Enough to get solitary for a little while
You see I've learned enough lessons for now
I have no use to learn more than a man needs to know in this place
I can recognize a liar and the one who schemes behind my back
But most disturbing I see the brokenness of all mankind that will never be fixed
At least not while "in ward."

The hours seem to pass so slow
While the years go spinning by
Forgotten dates of long ago
So fixed.  Yet still they fly.
As wind carries forth the seasons
And shadows mark the day
So go the treasured memories
As the mind meets with decay.

I'm attractive enough
Smart too
Willing to do things
Others won't do
The purple in the room of white
The spirit that no one can hold
Nothing ever meets my prize
No one ever sparks my soul
Alone I wander alone I live
And cry in torture every night
That I've no one to share this life
That nothing no one makes me right

The wind will grant its pardon
And the clouds a blessed reprieve
The sun will take the shorter route
And earlier come the eve.
The air itself will become more clear
And the horizon will begin to sprawl
The smell of fire and crisp leaves
Will welcome in the Fall.

"Crackle" goes the brittle leaf
Orphaned by the tree.
"Shh!" the doe responds to it
"The hunter's after me!"
The hunter takes his aim and whispers
"I've got you now..at last!"
Until the bear sneaks up behind
and grinds out,"not so fast!"

With a jaw tight as a vise
And eyes with pinprick beam
I swallow once unnoticed
Withdraw at every seam
No thought at all...a statue
No ears to longer hear
A focal point behind you
Is all that is still clear
A moment yet a lifetime
A drop without the fall
I breathe and walk right past you
As if you weren't there at all.

She said," You live just a bit too far,
Too far from where the people are
To see the industry of the day
Or to hear the children as they play."
I replied," I live just far enough away
To see all that heaven will display
And hear God's voice when I pray,
A shame you don't live too far as well,
For this is where the angels dwell."

The features are faded at the edges
In the fog-ged path I walk alone
Dusk has come and gone by now
The dampened trees begin to moan
One foot first and then the other
A breath with every one
Degrees are dropping fast now
Since the setting of the sun.
No candle burns to guide me
The full moon my only light
Reflecting off the shadows
That are darting left and right
The wind, is howling its commands,
Cracking twigs are keeping pace
Behind my hurried fearful steps
That are lost now in this place.
And I am on the path no more
And I can't find the way
Whispers echo off the brush,
"You're not going home today."

To discriminate without bias
To master such a skill
To demonstrate all knowledge
With a clear decisive will
To seperate right from wrong
To cull out any grey
To speak without emotions lead
With words that show a way
To weigh with perfect measure
To balance hope with what is real
To fill thy inner spirit up
With what is true not what we feel
To survey all with settled eyes
To learn when to take & when to give
To stand tall in a violent storm
With a heart that does not live.

I know that while I sleep tonight
So many of you may die
A heaviness will tuck you in
Like a sheet across the sky
And together you will cower
In every corner you can find
Heart beats right in sync with
The roaring of your mind
Unrelenting punishment
From unrelenting rain
And just when you think it's over
It will return again.
With a wind that rips your soul away
As pure hell invades your sky,
Then hopelessness will take over
As your sons and daughters cry.
How sickening it is to know
That I must sleep here just the same
While you wage a war for life
Against a storm who earned a name.

Opening the channel from there to here
Opportunity for a song
Comfort from the heavens
With breath it moves along

And dangles by his front porch swing
Your chair so very near
Death may claim the warmth of one
But not the music that you'll hear

For love endures all things they say
Even loneliness and pain
A simple windchime reminder
Until you find him once again.