If I could talk to you.....
I would tell you that I love you.
That I miss you so desperately.
That every day that passes feels wasted because you're not here.
That this absence is not getting any easier.
That I am not moving on.
That your voice plays in my head.
That no single hour has passed
Since that tragic day
That I don't think of you.
That the tears aren't slowing down.
That I am not me...without you.
I would say that I am sorry.
For all the many things I did
That made you feel unwanted, unappreciated, or unloved.
That I am sorry I didn't spend
Every single moment that I could have
Right by your side.
I would ask you to forgive me,
For not making you feel like you were my everything, because you were and you still are.
That I'm sorry for not telling you every day that I needed you and wanted you,  the way that I should have.
For not recognizing how that
Made you feel and what that made you think.
That I am so sorry you ever felt the need to question my love or my loyalty.
I would tell you that you deserved
More of a better me.
I would tell you that from the day I
First heard your voice that my
Body, heart, and soul,
Only ever belonged to you and that I hope you believe that.
I would say that I forgive you
For not believing in me.
That I have been living in a fog
Since the day I last saw you.
And that life doesn't feel worth living at all if I have to live it without you.
That you were my anam cara, the one
I waited for my entire life.
That I felt it immediately.
I would tell you that my heart is so tangled up with yours that I am now incomplete.
I would ask you to come back to me.
I would say that I don't care how long it might take or how hard it might be,
That I want us again.
That I believe a love like ours is worth fixing, no matter how difficult that might be.
That I am willing to fight and not give up.
I would ask you to put your pride away like I have and allow us to love each other better this time.
I love you Matt.

I will remember our time
I won't ever diminish it
I won't ever regret it
I have it all tucked away
The courage after loss
The acceptance of me
The pride you sometimes let go of
The way you felt the music
The way you liked to hug
The Holy Mackerels
The fake coy looks
The few sober conversations
The hundred wasted ones
The family that was genuine
The cat I could actually touch
The handicapped chinchilla
The swimming pool dance
The overcooked food
The way too much firewood
The unsettled sleeping
The two foot high pillow
The GPS mishap
The drunken admittance
The compassion when I cried
The sincere repeated apology
The weird mornings
The honesty that showed up
The understood grief
The pretended jealousy
The confusion of it all
The temporary forgetfulness
The "let me pass" kisses
The less lonely hours
The feeling not so broken
The "all in" for one day
The ******* ashtray
The tequila shots
The creamer you didn't toss
The muddled mess you were
The sharing all about her
The food you said you ate
The not being able to love again
The wanting to try anyway
The way we never quite enough
The first and last time
The vulnerabilty of that last email
The inevitable loss of trust
The just being real.
The human conditions are beautiful
Just like you my friend.
Always follow your heart
And you will be just fine.

Happy Birthday.

We understand each other, he and I.
Tragedy can do that.
So when I see his eyes shine up a bit...
I look away.
And when my lower lip trembles
He does the same for me.
I know what songs he will need
A shot to get through.
And he knows to let go of my hand
When the sadness comes on too strong.
We are each others memories.
Those really special ones.
Each others alternative
To the loves we once had
Loves that changed us.
We share the same knowledge
That love like that won't come twice.
We don't hope or pray for it.
We don't have to expect it.
So when he kisses my temple and whispers, " It will be ok," I do the same for him.
We hold each other up when the
Balance is lost in our minds.
We are naked and beautiful.
Because there is nothing left for either of us to lose,
Or gain,
Or recover.
We just get to be part of the lonely hearts club band together.
Just passing the time until time passes.
Sharing lonely beds,
Overcooked food,
Knowing gazes,
And pity.
Jigsaw puzzles,
JJ Grey,
And "let me pass," kisses.
We tell the same stories over and over
Because we forget we told them.
I like that.
His cat likes me too.
Shine on you crazy ******' diamond,
And I will shine on you.

So what the world tries to sell us in its neverending "catalog of lies," is that you...
Get what you give
Reap what you sow
Love always wins
Faith over fear etc., etc.
Well I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news friends but thats just *******.
I gave love and I got hate.
Reaped loyalty and sowed betrayal,
Love is always lost in the end,
And fear buries faith at a rate so fast it makes your head spin.
Buy the lies if you want to.
They are of poor quality and way overpriced.