Somehow I missed the sunset.
Though I'm sure it did occur.
The sun appeared clear this morning.
But last night it wasjust a blur.
It seems in my quite hurried pace,
I neglected to take it in.
And I am sorry to have missed it,
And I hope it happens again.

Force feed me your reality,
I am hungry but can't eat.
And my mouth is drooling,
From the smell of rotten meat.

Pry my teeth like iron bars,
A little bit is all I need.
Offer me just a  little taste,
Then leave and let me feed.

Somehow you always find a way in,
Through the bleakest me.
And cause me to admit begrudgingly,
I've a gentler side to see.

But do me a little favor, please,
Keep that secret deep inside,
For it has taken me years to find,
A place the nice me can hide.

I stare through the shadows,
With eyes acutely keen.
Eyes that have adapted to,
Light, dark, and in between.

For I have fought the shadows,
And I did win the fight,
I exposed the greyness,
Of all the black and white.

Crouched there in the shadows,
There waits a hidden foe,
Mistakenly believing that,
His colors will not show.

I live within the shadows,
Accustomed to their feel,
And effortlessly I ascertain,
What is false or what is real.

Come forth from the shadows,
Challenge if you must.
But be warned, you naive soul,
You will be turned to dust.

Oh yes, you are the master.
The master of disguise.
Shielding dark deception,
Behind those honest eyes.
With your total mastery,
Making truth of lies.

And I am but a puppet,
Moved by your command,
Feeling false compassion,
When you hold my hand.
With your total mastery,
That I can't withstand.

Leading me to hopefulness,
Using words as bait.
Taking pleasure placing me,
In a delusional state.
With your total mastery,
Bad just feels so great.

Then with but a smirkish grin,
Never shown before,
You shattered me to pieces;
Left them on the floor.
With your total mastery,
I changed forevermore.

Now I offer many thanks,
Because upon review,
I am so much the wiser,
And self- protected too.
For with your total mastery,
I am now just like you.

To know a love that transcends all,
Where all else fades to grey,
And all the trivial toilings known,
Promptly drift away.

And there's no longer any need,
To question future lot.
And all the failings of your past,
Promptly are forgot.

And euphoria is a daily breath,
Effortlessly received.
And all the love that is professed,
Promptly is believed.

And any foe which may appear
Is easily defeated.
And every "I love you," softly spoke,
Promptly is repeated.

And all thoughts, silently known,
No words even shared.
And any injury received by one,
Promptly is repaired.

But when one of two depart,
And one life is ended.
Hasty promises of forever,
Promptly are rescinded.

And I'm not certain all the pro's
Can make up for the con,
Of enduring a day when such a love,
Promptly is just gone.

When the sea-raged ship came into view,
And the crowded harbour's whistle blew,
The sky took on a relieved hue,
As did my face when I saw you.

And there I stood, with eyes frozen so still,
And by just staring, they beckoned my will,
Closer you came, Oh! the thrill!
Inch by inch, my heart did fill!

And I gave just but a begging whispered plea,
For safety to attend from the shore out to thee.
And so ended a wonderful voyage at sea,
My love, once again, had returned to me.

When the sea-raged ship came into view,
And the crowded harbour's whistle blew,
The sky took on a relieved hue,
As did my face when I saw you.

If I just keep running,
fast..as fast can be.
All the worries stalking,
Won't catch up to me.
Wake up bright and early,
Hit the door as soon,
Run a million errands,
All before 12 noon.
Play the music really loud,
To help increase my pace.
Just act nonchalantly when,
They look me in the face.
Clean the house with earbuds in,
Dusting every nook.
Let the cell just vibrate,
Never stop to look.
Take a Benadryl exhausted,
Strip off clothes and then,
Fall asleep with head in hands,
Wake to do it all over again.

I know it hurts you to see me cry
and I'm sure you know the reason why.
So why do you ask me, even though,
The cause of my pain, you already know.

Please stop all this pretending , Dad,
We both know you are also sad.
I wish some tears would fall from you,
So I'd feel like mine are ok too.

And we could sit and sob together,
And not feel so far apart.
Our grief could just be split in half,
We'd share a broken heart.

You don't need to be strong for me,
It's your weaker side I need to see.
So let's mourn Mom together tonight,
So that me and you, Dad can be alright.

There is a lonely place out there,
Where I know that I belong,
Where right is right, and only white,
And wrong is never wrong.
And there is no judge looking down,
No jury in which to sway.
Only me...there is only me,
And that's where I will stay.

I don't need to know everything,
Sometimes it's best to let things be.
When I look in my mirror,
I don't like what I see.
A coward is looking back at me,
Who proclaimed to be so strong.
But I buckled under the pressure,
And proved myself quite wrong.
And all the explanations,
Well they matter none at all,
You placed me on that pedestal,
Just to watch me fall.

Just a little note to tell you,
A little about my day,
Work was long, I saw your mail,
And the sky was grey.
After work I went and met,
With my daughter at the mall,
And no she is not coming home,
And doesn't miss me ...not at all.
I see your orange little blinking light,
At the bottom of my screen,
But I don't feel like talking right now,
I'm not trying to be mean.
I must go to the attorney's office,
Very early in the morn,
I'm really just a walking zombie,
Who is torn..so very torn.
I cried in the rain this evening,
And no one even knew,
I wonder what you did today,
Was it raining there too?
I know that you are reading,
Everything I write,
And somehow I feel a little better,
A little bit more "right."
I have grieved a lot of loss,
Over the past few years,
Tear-free then, but crying now,
A lifetime's pent up tears.
You've always had all the answers,
So please, can you tell me, my friend,
Just when will the weights be lifted,
When will my confusion end?

Please do not convict me,
Of a crime I've not yet done.
Just because I pondered retreat,
Doesn't mean that fear has won.

Every time a war is waged,
Within myself, I try,
To view the battlefield from afar,
With every slant of eye.

And strategically position myself,
To see every point of view.
And then do some recognizance,
Before deciding what to do.

Please do not convict me,
Of a crime I've not yet done.
Just because I pondered retreat,
Doesn't mean that fear has won.

I see you there in the shadows,
Behind the curtain where you stand,
You left the play at intermission,
And the show can not go on as planned.
Is it cold there in the shadows too?
Because I'm freezing in the light?
I don't feel myself without you here,
Nothing feels quite right.
I can't take the stage without you, friend,
You said you would hold my hand.
And despite you telling me why you left,
I still don't understand.

A sign of true nobility, they say,
Is to exit premature.
Denying the host the privelege of,
Showing you the door.
Scrutiny upon your leaving,
You're regarded a bit obscure,
But did she really want you to go,
And tell me are you quite sure?

Just what exactly is being sacrificed here,
And tell me just how long the pain will last.
How unfair it is that I must choose to hurt,
And leave someone very special in the past.

Good vs. Great, what an evil salvation,
****** upon me without an invite.
What a weight to carry, a choice to make,
Between.." maybe right" and "maybe right."

There is a freedom which comes with choice,
But also a prisoners' wage is paid.
As you lock yourself in just as you escape,
With every single choice that is made.

I'm waiting for you in a field of green,
On a blanket spread out so smooth.
Positioned underneath a lone oak tree,
Patiently, and not wanting to move.

From my vantage point, on this hill,
I can spot you heading my way.
My hearts does a quick little flutter,
And I wonder just what we will say.

Hi, my friend, so glad to meet you!
In person after all these years.
We hug for what seems likes days,
And our eyes fill up with tears.

And my chest feels as if it may burst,
And my throat is getting so dry.
And I realize it was as real as I hoped,
And now all is as clear as the sky.

And now we sit upon this blanket,
And all we can do is stare.
Everything else just passes away,
With this new love we share.

There is comfort in your arms,
A "rightness" with you and me.
I know that when we meet for real,
This is exactly how it will be.

Nothing feels quite normal.
Nothing feels quite right.
Nothing seems to stick around.
Nothing seems so bright.

Everything feels muddled.
Everything feels so cold.
Everything seems so altered.
Everything seems to fold.

It seems to me that if could,
Easily transpose,
Everything and nothing,
This would be a nicer prose.

Maybe the question you are asking,
Should not be directed toward me.
Maybe the answer you are seeking,
Is right there but you just can't see.

Maybe I slipped right off that pedestal.
Truth is... I jumped of my own accord.
What were you thinking, placing me there?
Tell me... didn't you hear a single  word?

You know a whole lot about me,
That which I am and chose to share.
Yet still you regard me as "special,"
As someone for who you truly care.

Lessons are sometimes rarely learned,
And mistakes? often repeated in vain.
You have jeopardized all that is you,
"Now stop it! And don't do it again!"

I remember when I was a young girl, lying on my bed, with the oversized pink comforter, and reading.

Reading romance novels.

Novels that always began with a girl, to which I immediately identified myself, who was alone.

And out of nowhere, this mysterious, incredibly masculine, charming, and great looking man, would sweep into her life, and she would fall in love.

Most times she would not admit it, but rather, play hard to get, and misperceive some action of his in the wrong way and think him a pig, but still love him anyhow.

They ALWAYS ended , however, with everything working out and them both professing this larger than life love for each other, and THE END.

Ok so now I am all grown up... and life hasn't even slightly resembled any one of the novels I read.

And I guess after all this time it is easier not to believe....I mean after all...they were all fiction.

Where is the non-fiction romance section at the bookstore?...oh I know there isn't one.

Shame on all these authors for disillusioning me and so many other young girls.

And somewhere in my sick little mind...I am still searching for it...and think that quite possibly I may have found it...there is only one problem...my courage has been wore down after all these years and I fail to act.

Can I write a book about that?

Could we disappear just you and I?
Or make the whole world go away?
Like a magnet I am so drawn to you.
I don't know why I feel this way.

All I know is your in my head,
At any given time of day.
And I love having you there,
And I just want to say...

You have so impressed me,
With everything that's you.
And I easily let you see inside,
Like I usually never do.

It really doesn't matter,
That I can't touch your face.
You are here, right beside me,
As I sit in my favorite place.

And if God be willing,
And Lady Luck is fair,
One day I'll cross the distance,
And you'll be {waiting, sitting} there.

I could really use a hug,
From a very special friend.
Given without pretense,
And no need to pretend.

I could look him in the eye,
And say without any shame,
I feel as if life has beaten me,
And I'm the only one to blame.

I could tell him I messed up.
Mistakes? I"ve made a few.
He wouldn't even blink at all.
He would know just what to do.

He would just keep hugging me,
And he wouldn't let me go.
He'd try to bear my grief with me,
Because he loves me so.

I could really use a hug,
From a very special friend.
Given without pretense,
And no need to pretend.

Bring it on!
I am ready!
For whatever comes my way!
I can't afford to give up now!
Today was just a day!

What next?
Sure, I'll take it!
Nothing will keep me down!
I have been through so much worse!
And I simply refuse to frown!

More trouble?
I can handle it!
For I am weak no more!
I will just take it all in stride!
And be stronger than before!

Adversity?
Yes, I know him!
In fact we've become great friends!
Without him, life would be boring!
So I'm just gonna enjoy it.....................til it ends!

The first winged utterance,
Beckons me awake.
Full cacophony follows,
And the night does break.

The smell of stillness lifted.
Mobile creatures stir.
Fading in of embers.
Distance swathed in blur.

Futile night retreateth.
Welcomed warmth ensues.
Filtered by a newborn breeze,
Cooling mornings' dews.

The reluctant mist...it rises.
Hastily...oh so slow.
Lingering in the moment,
As if sad the last did go.

And, oh!, to hold an hourglass,
To halt the marching hour.
And take note of every miracle,
Unfolding in its' power.

I guess I will allow myself,
Just a little while,
A little time to cry alone
Before painting on a smile.

I failed today and failed not just me,
I failed another.
Maybe I was just not meant to be,
Anybody's mother.

I tried so hard to keep it all together,
But I just couldn't do it.
I tried to make everything look ok,
But everyone saw through it.

And I will take the full blame on me,
For the way things are right now.
May I just give up this hopeless fight,
Or would I be failing again somehow?

I wish I could somehow start over again,
At a time when things were still bright.
But that is just so not possible,
There is no way to make it right.

So what becomes of a tired soul,
Who is even undeserving of rest?
Failure is failure no matter what,
It doesn't matter if you did your best.

Today I think I'll pull the shades,
Turn the a/c down real low,
Make myself some kettle corn,
And watch a classic show.
Turn off all the phone lines,
Lock the doors real tight.
I think that's what I'll do today,
I think that I just might.

Maybe there is no reason,
Maybe there is no rhyme,
Maybe our only purpose,
Is to pass away with time.

Could I be a monster?
Cold blood flowing blue.
Heartache lying in my wake,
Monsters need love too!

In my little coffee shop,
Is where I long to be,
Filled with old and dusty books,
In the hills of Tennessee.

Every morning the same will come,
With a little gossip to share.
And hang out in my lil' coffee shop,
Where time isn't even a care.

I hope there will be some who read,
And some who play some games.
And it won't be very long 'til I,
Know every single one of their names.

And they will feel like family,
The shop will feel like home,
And I will have found where I belong,
With no need more to roam.

In my little coffee shop,
Is where I long to be,
Filled with old and dusty books,
In the hills of Tennessee.

The day greeted me with a sharp vision,
Piercing me from in between,
The mingled branches by my window,
With aim, so markedly keen.

And it beckoned me to that window,
To behold the drops of dew,
Like diamonds, sparkling everywhere,
No matter what the view.

And at once I wanted a wider scope,
And ventured out the door.
And I saw my familiar surroundings,
In a way I not had before.

My breath must have escaped me,
And yet I was just unaware,
Til my lungs filled again so fully; quickly
And I was renewed right there.

I soaked in all of the elegance,
Until the moment had passed.
Taking mental snapshots, aware
Such beauty would not last.

Tonight I felt completion,
Such as at the ending of a show,
Of which all along I was unsure,
About where the plot would go.

And happily I was surprised,
Of the open- ending leave,
With a promise of a sequel,
Which will be even better...I believe!

One day I will find it
It will only feel right
It will be unshaken
Strife and trial despite
Without any question
Without any doubt
One day I will find it
For now I live without

I like you.
You like me.
How much simpler could it be?
Just let yourself go,
Let all of you show,
I know I'm gonna love what I see.

born contrary to common man
turned internal forevermore
no deviation from the stoics plan
each day is the same as before
no highs no lows ever shone
temperate consistent with mean
mind is numb body is drone
no hint joy has ever been seen
also no sadness just infinite plain
thoughts discussed only inside
no elation and yet no pain
nothing to show hence nothing to hide
surrounded by unaltering vision
sight is flat and color free
precise with no need of precision
only methodical rigidity
hope knows not of what to entreat
soul knows not of what to contain
already within no place to retreat
removed disconnected insane

If I were extended the offer, if even today,
I would accept deaths' invite quick.
I 'd rather be destructed without any delay,
Than be disassembled brick by brick.

Single life at times can be,
Very lonely, it is true.
But let's just take a closer look,
In a slightly different hue.

Cooking ..it is optional.
The laundry...it can wait.
You can go to bed early,
Or stay up way too late.

You can choose just to sit,
Naked or in underwear,
And not worry about modesty,
Cause no one else is there.

You can wake up and decide,
To be carefree and roam,
Take a nice long road trip,
And maybe not come home.

You can use the silence,
To write lots of poetry,
And flirt on the internet,
With another, hassle-free.

Also no need to shut the door,
To the bathroom while you ***,
So now can you see the upside,
Of being single...just like me.