I have a thousand little voices going on in my head at any given time and I filter them how I choose I guess.
There are a few very persistent ones, however, that it looks like I will either have to start listening to, or beat the **** out of , but I haven't decided which yet.
Yes, yes, everything seems to be going status quo, but I am still standing exactly where I was ages ago. Lost in the middle of nowhere, with no seeming destination of any kind.
I keep waiting for everything to fall into place , waiting on certainty, but it never comes.
I keep pushing for it though, and it feels like it hates my pushing because once I start to fix my way on something, I get pushed back.
Little pinches really, voices that say, "Stop kidding yourself!"
I don't feel connected to anything ....not one single thing anymore.
It's just me out here paddling a ******* canoe in a circle.
I think once I get used to it..I can be ok with that..maybe.
All I know is nothing fits...not anymore...I have 2 left shoes in different colors and sizes and no feet to put them on anyhow.  Who really cares, anyway?    Ok ...off to church now!

The crystal prismed chandelier
    is h               g  in the hall.
           a         n
              n     i
                  g
Luster marred by settled dust
Determined not to f
                                       a
                                       l
                                       l
Neglect has been revealed to all
By the noontime sun
                                             O
                                                                      
Shining through yonder window*
                                                                      
On its' midday r.......u........n.............


Seated on a straight back chair
I see and yet care not*
Like that prismed chandelier
*Neglected and ?

Well, for only the second time since I bought this thing, (my laptop), I have moved it from its' fan pad to join me in my favorite spot.

And I am currently wondering whether the cigarette ashes that may fall into it while I type could light the **** thing on fire, for which i would just have to laugh since I have no back up CD made yet, and for what it's worth, my life's work is on this harddrive. I need to quit smoking. The **** commercials you hear on the radion have me deemed a murderer, so now I don't listen to the radio either. I am strictly a CD girl now. One of these days I may catch up a bit and get an IPOD, but I am beginning to think the devil uses all this technology to make real relationships a thing of the past.

I also am missing my mouse out here. I am pretty sure if this use this little fingertip pad long enough, I could teach Braille to a 1 year old.

This is the first time in weeks I have actually used my swing for any duration, and you know what, I miss it. It is kind of hard to type on it though as it sits next to me and rocks a bit with every letter I type.

I've decided, for now, to stop my foolish searching for the meaning of everything, and the end all to everything. For now, I'm just gonna live..day to day..hour by hour...second into the next.

Up until about a year ago, I didn't even know how much I liked to swing, or how much I love to fly kites, or look at Dogwoods, or read philosophy, or even write poetry. I took a detour, a very long one, into a mind sedentary world with no hope, no dreams, no happiness.

And unfortunately, the only way out is the way I came in, which will take me as long to get beck to where as I started, as it took me to get here.

I love to feel the strong breeze that's blowing today. I felt it earlier while taking a walk, and going to the park, but then it was blowing while the sun beat straight down. Now I am in the shade and leaves are blowing onto the deck, and I swear if I had that hammock I keep promising myself to buy, I would be falling asleep on it right now. The kids are gone, daughter at a friends house, and son at grandmas next door. I put the puppies on their leads, and it is only me here right now. It's been forever since that happened too.

I need to get back to me...and I need to stop putting so many demands on myself. If I feel like going to the beach...I should just get in the car and go. I deserve that.. I deserve to smile and laugh and drink my coffee and talk to strangers like I know them  while they look at me like I'm crazy. I deserve friendship. I deserve and desire the love of friends.

Companionship, shared intellect and joys. Freedom. You know I could sit for hours and hours, maybe even days..if I had the liberty and just enjoy nature, and not really think of anything at all. Sometimes it feels like people and responsibilities get in the way of what I was truly meant to be and the things I truly want to do. I wish there was a place where I could just be, you know be...BE.

And one day I want to see my soul in someone elses eyes and just know without question that I'm not so different. That I'm connected somehow, with someone or something, and that I'm not really crazy. That I'm me and I am exactly what I was meant to be and I'm beautiful because I am me. I don't want to adapt to anything or want anyone to adapt to me. I just want to find the place where I fit perfectly.

But the never ending searching for this place has proved unsuccessful. So I believe the answer is to wait for clarity. And it will come. It will come, I know it will. As for now, I'm going to enjoy my coffee in the breeze...on my swing, and just close my eyes and breathe in the wind.

Come and lay down with me.

Place your head next to mine on these soft pillows.
Let's breathe each other in.
Pretend that time is paused and we have forever to spend.

I want to touch your hair and the spot right at your temple that meets your jawline.
And run my fingers over your lips, slowly, as if my fingertips could memorize the lines in them.
I want to look into your eyes with mine fully open, so that you can see within.
And seeing you, and knowing you, my heart will swell up inside, and feel like imploding.

And we could lay like that for hours...in no rush, yet knowing we will do more in a little while, but wanting to prolong it, savor it, to put it to clear real-time memory, so we can recall it in detail later, whenever we wish.

And it won't be a heated union, not a fast release.
We deserve more than that...we deserve so much more than that.

There will be no tearing off of clothes, but rather, we will both stand, and undress one piece of clothing at at time, unveiling ourselves to each other.
Unveiling ourselves and discovering each other together.

And my hands will guide you to all the parts of me...all of them..because that's what I want to give to you.
And we will move without thinking...only feeling, only depth.

And we will surrender together to us....

There will be nothing like it.
Nothing to compare it to.

It will be meant and it will be all that is you and me.

Oh, to decipher riddles,
And scrutinize the word.
Yet voice can also alter,
Simple into quite absurd.
Rhyme, an open forum,
Is vague and often grey,
Sacrificing nothing but,
The words I can not say.

I am made to feel ashamed,
Because of love I feel.
How does loving more than one,
Make that love not real?
There are so many faces here,
With wisdom, for which I long,
And I've fallen in love with many,
But I'm told that it is wrong.
And I just can not understand,
Why I'm taught I must not care,
For more than one soul at a time,
It just seems so **** unfair.

The words they came so quickly,
To thought and to the mind.
But no one will ever know them,
Because of the pen I couldn't find.
The words they only visit once,
Oh memory!! Fail me not!
The greatest poem of all time,
Is the one I just forgot!

How many days will I be granted?
Is it based on how I live?
Will I be given an extra hour,
For every dollar that I give?

When I stop to help a stranger,
Do I gain another week?
Tell me will the inheritance,
Be postponed if I am meek?

Or do I have it backwards?
Does it work the other way?
Does every kind act- shorten,
My earthly length of stay?

Well I must be very honest.
The answers? I don't know.
But one thing is for certain,
In time, I'm sure to go.

New love with its weak knees and nervous touch,
Slowly fades away, and the quivers aren't as much.
And when that day comes and boredom arrives,
I guess we'll both just move on with our lives.

When all is quiet, I breathe out,
And can almost hear my heart,
As it beats in metered rhyme.

And I think of so many things,
Like mortality,God, and reason,
And the quickening of time.

And I find that all my thinking,
Does very little to even no good,
Just wasted hours it seems.

If we are just only heartbeats,
No just cause or purpose here.
Why do we have dreams?

I feel it but their only loss, for society to cast me out.
For failure to follow guidelines set, by one who is without.
For it is but a shameful sight, to live, yet not be free.
Bound by a common prudence, is naught but tragedy.
What mine eyes take pleasure in, I will see, and see again.
And blinded be sad, the rest of men, to deny and call it sin.
And touch I will, repeatedly, the softest of all places,
While all the other's scrutinize, with disapproving faces.
And I will trespass, forbidden land; with fruits for my partaking.
And find the taste irresistible, despite society's forsaking.
And eat I will, until fill is full, then wipe my mouth in glee.
While stands 'round a miserable crowd, desiring to be me.
And if I love another, and yet another, and another more.
Won't I just be pleased and sated, more than I was before?
I find it but a blessing, that my heart can expand... to place,
Inspiration and diversity, into such tiny bits of space.
And I will not beg pardon, from thy judgemental hand.
But rather, offer pity to those, who will never understand.

The waste of many years spent, neglectful, chaste.
The passing of time with trivial toilings - stealing,
Nature's harkened plea.
Come to me! For I am the enduring.
And you belong to me.

Smell the ripened apple, view landscapes' vast abode.
Dive into thy river's broad; Eye with wonder upon:
Mountain, vale, and sky.
For you are of me, and they; you..fixed.
Hear thy Nature's cry!

Each hour, whispered feet, they travel nearer to thee,
To meet with deafening silence, feast while you may.
See, feel, listen..be soothed.
From whence body born, you will return.
By Nature's way..removed.