did i make it that
easy for you to
just walk out of
my life without
making you
despairing?

you abandoning me
tore me to pieces.

why aren't you
broken as well?

was i not
enough?

but i loved you...




*(mer)

there are a lot of things
that are missing from my life
many of them
left badly
like a mother
brothers and sisters
and Daniel...

...i don't have words
to describe you,
Dan.
and i cannot
even write a poem
saying that you died
because to me
you haven't
some little part of me believes
that you are still here somewhere
and that is what keeps me
from breaking into little shards
that cut everything
they touch
you are somewhere
on your red motorcycle
with your bone-crushing hugs
still drinking and doing drugs
and smiling, smiling, smiling
even though
they say that is what killed you
i don't mind the ****.
i really don't.
i liked your heart
too much
to believe
you were evil.
you weren't.
and despite what some might say
i think you are in heaven
if only for the reason you were sent
to prison
ask jesus
to hug you for me, Dan
jesus knows
a righteous man.

Sometimes when I'm talking to him he'll ask me a question and I'll be
lost in his pretty eyes. I'll just randomly say yes and not have
any idea what he asked.
Sometimes I wish I could just tell him how I feel so I could move on
& not think about him late at night.
I just know that I'm in love more than I'm supposed to :(

Running fast, really fast. I get this feeling at the pit of my stomach. Almost like butterflies  from excitement or nervousness. But this feeling is clearly different. My feet finally lift off the ground and I started to fly. I was in complete control now. I Flew. Flying so fast and zooming high. Zig zagging everywhere feeling free to do as I please, I “fall” down to the ground head first Speeding like a bullet. Then I save myself last minuet like they do with the fighter jets during an air show. People gasping in awe to be witnessing a blue eyed blonde haired girl fly. People cant accept the fact that i am completely and simply anti gravity. But it is completely and easily controlled. But then, I woke up. Starring at the plane whit ceiling, and the plane white everything. What a joy.  I thought to myself. Another day stuck in this prison. A nurse came into my room. "You appear to be doing better since your last....outburst....and we are "happy" to allow you to roam the halls again." she said clearly not happy that there was another one to keep track of. I'm in a mental hospital. I'm insane. I certainly do not agree. I think im fine.

im scared.
im scared to hug you
im scared to hold hands
im scared to go places with you
because theres always that possibility,
that i will fall in love.
so i hide.
i hide behind my wall.
i have built it very tall.
i fear by trying to block you out,
and push you away,
i have made you just want to stay.
that scares me.
because i think i have,
scared myself,
into loving you.