i can't find
an outlet
anywhere;

you probably
think i'm
speaking of
power,

but i'm talking
about escaping
this powerless
feeling.

I didn't mean for this to happen:

for you to make my name a habit, a safe word
when you go overboard &
no one's there to trace your scars &
kiss the memories left on your wrists.

I didn't mean to become routine,
comfortable in your mouth,
your Sunday morning
after the substances weren't enough to **** the demons.

They're branded on your eyelids,
so you never want to sleep, unless it's
with me; but I always give in
to your desperate pleas.

I just want to replace
the bottle in your hand
the lines
the bathroom sinks
the fog
those things behind the mirror the doctor said would help you
& fix you.

But you love being broken more than you love me.

i remember when everything was just a blur to me,
when everything became clear & i finally saw every
little detail that once was smeared away.

i remember all the happiness that beamed inside me,
but i miss when everything was a mystery.
i miss the way the distance was a secret, everyone else knew it,
but i was left wondering.

i miss the way i didn't see things like others, i miss the contrast.

seeing you again
made me remember

seeing you at such
a vulnerable state
made me want
those three days filled
with holding hands &
nearly drowning in
the creek back.

seeing you again
reminded me that
i left you, that i
shouldn't be missing
you so much.

seeing you again
& you not saying
a word made me
realize that you
don't miss me at all.

i was just another
******* your list
& that destroys
me so much..

i wish it was you who
broke my heart instead
of me shattering my
beating structure.

maybe this would be easier?

i saw things that
weren't mean to
be seen, i heard
things that weren't
meant to be heard,
i felt heartbreak
before i could
even spell love.

romantics would
refer to your
freckled face as
a star filled sky,
but they were
just mud specks
of lies.



*(mer)