this'll be the last one, i hope

i told you the two things that i need
but you can't do that
and it's okay, i'll deal with it

what i really want though
is not about that
but for us to be honest about it

i really don't mind
if you can't tell me
i only want us to end it amicably

where we go to from here
what i want for me
is for us both to fess up, leave it behind, and be free

because i will always love you
but i can never be with you
i'll probably think about you
and i hope you'll be safe

where do you go when you're full to the brim
back to the beginning, i guess

where do you go when your country doesn't want you
back to where you came from, i guess

where do you go when you're misunderstood
back to the laboratory, i guess

but when those tests have passed
and we all start to change
when it happens so fast
and it all seems so strange
when something so innocent
becomes so deranged
what then

where do you go when you need to confide
i've run out of places to hide

the reason why i write these silly little poems
is not because you'll read them
oh god no
it's because if you did
at least i'd have something to say

time is a thing and it's useful
instead it becomes an excuse
a tree as a thing can be fruitful
everything down to the root
scars are a thing and they whisper
secrets from under the whisp
i always try to be truthful
but it gets in the way of my youth

some scars are severe
some indelibly permanent
some can be dangerously near

but what happened that year
has been pretty persistent
and yes, i wish you were here

yes, i wish i had nothing to do with it, and i wish i'd never have met you, but that's not true, i followed it through and i'm all for the better, umbrella, the shade from the sun that you shone that left sunburns that scream and cry and shame me for hating and scraping and flaking and breaking and making and hurting and trying to buy my way out of this...

but i can't, because otherwise it wouldn't be a scar, right?

i say some things
and you say some things
quite often they're all about love

and when they collide
well that gives us resaon
the reader that sees them
gets off on the ride

i came from there
and you came from there
but there is a moment in spacetime

they're not the same thing
and you've got somebody
and i've got somebody
and that's what we bring

i found you
and you found me
we totally found each other
scratch my back
and i'll scratch yours
we'll scratch each other together

i don't want
to leave you alone
for somebody else to discover
i love you
and i really hope
i'll be scratching your back forever

'why's it so secret?'
i asked
just moments before
she didn't tell me

identity
we all have it
i am me and you are it
what it is that i know is for you to find out
if i work really hard and get good at it it'll earn me a living
but if everyone knew what everyone else knows
there'd be nothing to sell
and nothing to buy
nothing to share
and nothing to hide
nothing to tell
and nothing to write
nothing to fear
and nothing to hate
nothing to look forward to
and nothing to be proud of

but if i manage to keep that ace up my sleeve
that influences time or even technology
that makes the unbendable sceptics believe
that notable pattern in astrology

what i see is mine because i saw it first
and i saw it explode with a perfunctory burst
it might make no sense whatsoever
but that isn't going to last forever

because if you knew what i knew i wouldn't be me
or have we forgotten what it means to be free
or have we given in to our own charity
or would we oblige to that old blasphemy
that says even sinners deserve sanctuary
or is altruism a strange alchemy
or a studious drive to epistemology
or a political divide over ideology
that critically questions theology

we need to keep secrets because that's who we are
but we also need to be fair

for once, let me bleed
through the silence and the need
see what i've done wrong
and i concede

i knew you knew it all along
that i'm not supposed to be that strong
but i think i have a seed
and you're wrong

it's the hardest thing i've ever had to learn how to do
care more about where i'm at than i do about you
goes against my ethos, my ethics, my soul, godammit
i never thought it would go this far
but it has
and you're in it
if we could begin it again it
wouldn't be the same, would it

because where we are now
is not what we were
what i don't know
is how we let it happen in the first place

shame sentimentally suffices some sacrament: strange secondary seekers safely scout such suffrage so suddenly, shake spurious susceptibility southward so strangers seem superficial; supposing such simple servants survive such sycophantic schools sans shouting, scraping, sifting, straightforward striking; some surmise something sustains, something stinks. see? sure. self-sustainable, sick, staggeringly stupid ****.

subtle ****, slip sliding southward, stopping such sudden shudderance.

safe, she says?

soon such seas seem superfluous so... success: scream success! shake secondary security, say secrets, sratch surfaces, scrape sentimental sand so shapes shift sooner; similarly scrub seemingly subtle scars, seven seconds, second severance, something so subliminally separate simplifies shifting solace, sacrificing so solemly saturday's superficial stars.

such sweet serendipity.

a few hours ago i was vulnerable
like the slimy green gums of the pavement
yet some of it was tasty
(impatient means it's boring)
i shouldn't have been so hasty
(isn't worth ignoring)

a few hours ago i felt terrible
like i was part of the next government
i tried to create some sense
(i clearly wasn't winning)
but it came behind a sentence
(and everyone was grinning)

i know i should have given it my best
i'm pretty sure it passed the test
but drives it in too deep
flies in way too steep
if only i could keep
a secret
i wouldn't have to lie at all


the last few months have been that hazy
like i was a part of an indelible accident
that you probably didn't mind
(aim before you throw)
not sure what stays behind
(dig before you sow)

the last few years have been that crazy
i hoped it was going to be permanent
that little bit of rock n roll
(i tried to learn your language)
was definitely worth my soul
(and used it like a bandage)

i reckon that it might make a mark
it only begins with a spark
but then while you're asleep
the dreams you could reap
if only i could keep
a secret
the perforated sky might fall


the next few days i must accept
whatever fits into your judgement
pretend that i want more
(am i serious now)
or go back to before
(as if i knew how)

it isn't what i meant to say
it's that i went and said it anyway.

today i learned
what shame is
or what it isn't

to get caught
and do it again
is to have no shame

take it for granted
and do it again
is to have no shame

take what you want
and do it again
is to have no shame

admit that it's wrong
and do it again
is to have no shame

feel bad about it
and do it again
is to have no shame

i didn't break it
and do it again
is to have no shame

you'll never know
and do it again
is to have no shame

i'm in love
such a shame
again and again and again

caught up in the mesh it
still couldn't unleash it

alive and in the flesh it
still couldn't punish it

try hard to be selfish it
still wouldn't finish it

if i had been boorish it
still wouldn't accomplish it

looking at it in anguish it
still doesn't banish it

through the tip of an airbrush it
still can't admonish it

if i could wish it
i'd dish it
then swish it
away

silence is awesome
but it doesn't come cheap
you have to convince everyone
that it's okay.

it doesn't need to make a sound
it's everything and nothing
the groupies might still hang around
if it affords you something

in everything it sees no end
it smothers like a virus
it makes it easy to pretend
that no-one's going to find us

in nothing it's a sea of space
it's never been before
it makes no effort to replace
the pain that you once saw

and inbetween
the clouds beneath
it takes it's charge
and grits it's teeth
it knows no time
it lies awake
and stares


it doesn't want to hang around
it's more than you'd imagine
it doesn't want to make a sound
just gives things room to happen

if nothing else it's like a sail
that moves against the water
it doesn't have the means to fail
but cowers in the corner

yet everything's a state of mind
it could change like the weather
it never meant to be unkind
it never will forget her

and in amongst
the stars above
it holds it's light
like lawyers might
and makes it's mark
because in the dark
there's silence

an excellent soliloquy
reminds us what it used to be
the blue behind the sky suggests
the time beneath the hue

with perfect synchronicity
another lost epiphany
what's left stays in-between
the crime, but for the few

so let it go free
let it bleed superficially
the blue behind the sky begets
the eyes beneath the glue

this wasn't meant to be unkind
i didn't know what else to find

you tell the truth when you sleep
the people you mind
the secrets you keep

you tell the truth when you're alone
and that's probably why
you can't hear it

we make use of what we own
the things that we keep
the bits that we find

and always give back what we loan
when we don't need it
give it a try

i dream about us both at night
i dreamt about us both, and then
i realise we both were right
i realised we hustled them

i know that we were lock-nut tight
i knew that we were locked, and then
i push against the need to fight
i pushed against them all

if only i had found you in a dream
i wouldn't need
to go to sleep at all
if only i'd convinced them to believe
i wouldn't need
to sleep

everything is beautiful
we don't see it all the time
everything is always there
in someone else's time
in someone else's mind
it's someone else's find
it's someone else's grind
it's someone else's place
it's someone else
isn't it

the sophiatown i live in:
is a place i call home
is where i come to from work
is a place riddled with crime
is where i'm proud to be from
is a place being renovated
is where i'm not far from means
is a place that gets frustrated
by the westbury fiends

the sophiatown i read about:
is a place void of silence
is where bra hugh got his trumpet
is a place full of vibrance
is where miriam caught hold of it
is a place that was razed
is where a new place was born
is a place that couldn't be fazed
by the lines that were drawn

the sophiatown i love:
is a place that i live in
is where i've chosen to stay
is a place that i read about
is where that won't go away
is a place that's still here
is where apartheid escaped
is a place made austere
by the forces it shaped

the sophiatown that inspires me:*
is very triumphant
is very intact
so what was your reason
for doing that

when sorry isn't enough
then something else is wrong
you're right, i should have known it all along

don't say a word
until you've thought it through
you're right, everything is always about you

try not to laugh
even though it's hardly funny
you're right, it's not about the money honey

when you've had your say
and nothing else is wrong
we might, we ought to just try and get along

until then please watch your tone
neither of us wants to be alone

it isn't a thing that we choose
to forget
then later regret
i know that it hurts you
with time it will heal
we will feel
it's not like we have much to lose

it's something that we should protect
and admire
squeeze out of the fire
scream if you want to
it should've come first
with a burst
that thing that you'd never expect

come on, please
don't take anything away
because you don't think it's worth it
it doesn't need to be perfect
i don't have a lot to say
on my knees
perfect any other day
even if i think it's worth it
i don't know what to expect
it doesn't matter anyway
let me bleed

it didn't have to be this way
i never should have let her
i never should have drawn that line
i'll never let it sever
i'll never let it obfuscate
the square beneath the sand
the angle that's between us
the risk of sounding bland
what's between us is right
it's like dividing a pie
into four

one of the first songs i learnt to play on a guitar
was about a guy in space
while planet earth was blue
and there was nothing he could do
so he came back

and wrote a bunch more songs i can can play on a guitar
about heathens and spaceboys
and a guy called picasso
who was never an *******
but never came back

and in between he morphed a few times
assumed many guises
genies, heroes and dancers
rebels, dreamers and monsters
and never looked back

and i chuckle to think that up there on mars
whoever he's selling the world to
be it all the young dudes
or you in your red shoes
needn't give it back

i feel grateful for being part of it
all you've left behind
at least one thing is sure
there isn't any more pressure
and i've got your back

it used to be a state of mind
but mind the step, excuse the time
it doesn't matter what you find
the passion for the crime

but in the end when it's inept
that depth is where you'll need the time
it doesn't matter why you kept
the rhythm for the rhyme

but what if you were not prepared
and spared the consequence this time
it doesn't matter why you shared
the gristle for the grime

it used to be a state of mind
you'll find it in another time
it doesn't matter if you're that kind
of person, i guess, because
beyond the choke
way past the joke
those choices disappear
as if they were never even here

it doesn't matter what you'll find
this loneliness is so unkind
it used to be a state of mind
and now it's gone

i just can't say it

i know you're right
you know it hurts
i don't want to lock you up
in the same prison i'm in

but then again

you know i'm right
i know it hurts
you didn't want to lock me up
in this thing that i'm in

so i won't talk
if you don't talk
and we'll pretend it never happened

and i'll wake up
and you'll wake up
and do it all over again

i shouldn't play
this game you play
it always ends up just the same

but you have that trust
and i love that trust
for that i'll take the blame

because you are
what you are
and it's all the same

oh please make it stop

if you say you're leaving, leave
if you say you're staying, there are rules
if you say you're going, go
if you say you're not going anywhere, then okay

just stop being ****
and stop with the guilt trips
and stop with those lips
and stop with the blaming
and stop the complaining
and stop making me want you
just stop it

i miss you way too much
for you to still be here
so if you're going to stay
please behave

change is not the problem
the problem is the change
we've drawn a solid line between
the sacred and the strange

i don't mind if you connect
with something in your mind
we always build a bridge between
the things we leave behind

time is not a currency
yet current is the time
the things we rescue in-between
the stark and the sublime

change is not the problem
the problem needs to change
we need to build those bridges in-between
what we arrange

and, dig this:
nothing is so secret that requires it to hurt
nothing is so sacred that remands it to the dirt
nothing is so tired, so miniscule, so intricate
strange problem indeed

you spin me right round baby right round
like a record baby right round round round
you spin me right round baby right rchk
pin me right round baby right rchk
pin me right round baby right rchk
pin me right round baby right rchk
pin me right round baby right rchk
pin me right round baby right rchk

dark, alone, and wondering
what'll happen to the light
when the sun comes out

all possibilities happen at once
all at the same time
it's what we choose that's relevant

all opportunities happen at once
all at the same time
it's what we use that's relevant

all communication happens at once
all at the same time
it's what we hear that's relevant

but in that moment
when you find a forest
with a sunrise in it
that happens for you and you alone
that will happen only once
it gets me every time
and will always be relevant

it's stupidly unfair to think
that mine's a saturated shade of pink
while yours takes on a different hue
that oscillates from green to blue

i try to sucker up each day
prepare for whatever it throws my way
it helps me calculate the cost
of the ground you thought i lost

it's got this sentimental worth
like this, and everything i've kept since birth
i'd rather not waste any more time
i hope to be your paradigm

and then we'll paint a sunset scene
the sun, the sea, and everything in between
the trouble that i put you through
the beauty that i see in you

the sweet sunshine
brings warmth even to the deepest dark

your smile
brings warmth even to the coldest heart

so smile like the sun
and keep on shining

in another time i might have been a superhero
and someone else would be called the heroine
we could have watched a movie called less than zero
i mean who does that right
no, wait... cut cut cut cut, let's try that again

oh thank you daveman, you saved us
(she says with a grin)
oh thank you
(she winks)
you're pretty hot
(she thinks)
there's danger, let's ****

and then i woke up

i keep it all inside
so everyone can see
the way that i react
the things that i say
the choices i make

i keep it all inside
so anyone can see
the way i interact
the mantras i pray
the risk that i take

any way you spin it
no-one wants to be alone
it only takes a minute
and you're on you're own

i keep it to myself
as much as it hurts
the way i reacted
the things that i said
the choices i made

i know, it's not exactly what you'd expect from me
but i don't know what else i'm supposed to be

i'm not immune to this
sea of hedonistic heresy
i just know how to swim

keep doing what you're good at
it's easy to do
the rest of it is practise

reach for it with both hands
if you can
hold on to it
reach it from both sides

reach it through the storm
when you do
make the most of it
reach between the lines

teach them what you know
if you can
hold on to it
teach them what it means

teach another lesson
when you do
make the most of it
a teacher's what it needs

don't feel left out, you know what it's about
you had me fooled the first time, and i'm out

the sharp breeze
occurs to me
like memories

the light beams
reflect off of me
like teflon

and suddenly
the part of me
the things i say

the last scene
the end of me
come get some

the same strange, stupid stuff
you know you've done enough
when it stabs you in the back
the baggage
the damage
the call

i know some things that you don't
and you have some things of mine
i don't know if you remember
where we had even drawn the line

to be fair
to be sure
where do you want to be
because i'm here
and i'm sure
you want to be with me

but your terms are bent
can't even pay the rent
so i'll let you
destroy me
to be sure
to be fair

so right now i'm drawing a line
from now to next september
i'll hang on to what is left of mine
and know there are things that i won't

let go of... oh forget about it, anyway
it seems like it was yesterday
that you saw what i could hide
so you took me for a ride
and i, like a surfer to a sand dune
said okay

skidoosh

the sky may be grey
and my soul may be dark
but that doesn't make it okay

the angels you whispered to
inside my heart
wouldn't have it any other way

your method was profound
an intricate art
there's not that much more left to say

and now that we're done
now we can start
to throw it all away

and then when we're done
it's already begun
we'll do it all over again
the same game
the same

a message from the past
as azure and astute
as it was back then

it's always been there
as benign and berated
as it was back then

you asked me, so i kept it safe
as amazing and astounding
as it was back then

and it's always been there
as begun and begotten
as it ever was back then

it's a symbol of what everything means to me now
a sneaky, subliminal confirmation of how
you trusted me right from the very beginning
that didn't decide what i thought i'd be bringing
it's something that's closer than ever before
and it's hidden behind an impossible door
so i've worn this thing around my neck
each and every night that i've gone to bed
since i made that re-acquaintance
as if i ever had the patience
or all the gratitude in the world

you have a kind heart, just broken i'm sure
i'm not really sure when it broke
and i think we might have spoken about this
at least that's the last time we spoke

i don't know what kind of need, or greed
that made you forget what you did
don't know what kind of misdeed, but indeed
the expiry was stamped on the lid

well look at me now, over here in the dark
i'm blind, and all i can hear
is how sometime we managed to talk about this
but since then it's turned to the fear

i have all the excuses in the world
and i'd love to share them with you, every one
my sensitive complexity already unfurled
we could've figured this out, together

and i guess we still can, but i'm over here
and you're not

i totally get it now
to succeed you've got to be liked
to be liked you've got to be seen
to be seen you've got to do good, plant a seed, like a **** it'll grow like a wild virus

but up there in my head
i can't figure out
what it means
to succeed
to begin with
(figure that one out)
and then you'll be seen
and then you'll be liked
and then you would have already succeeded

opinions are our way of evaluating the world around us
and deciding which part of it what we want to belong to

the rules are the guidelines that get put up around us
and caution us from doing things even though we want to

yet rules are opinions collected
and therefore they should be respected
each one of us has something to hide
but the law must be equally applied
until such time as everyone takes responsibility for themselves, their kin, their stash and their environment, all of us, all at the same time, honestly and decisively, but i don't see that happening for a while.

stuck inside the same voracious loop
that spins around like laundry
better hang it out to dry, couldn't tell you why
it wouldn't be the same

hanging with the same old group
significant but ******
better pay attention, here begins the lesson
it shouldn't be the same

the extent of my imagination leaves no doubt
whenever you feel the need to shout
i don't mind what you're leaving me without
besides, it's not about
you

it's not about me, nor them
it's not about the things that could have been
the space between, is this a dream
it's not the same
it's not the same

i think
no, i don't wanna think
i feel
a bit disappointed
it's real
no, but it's not my fault
i think

no light
no fear
this is where we began

but dark is vast
and fear is relative

and so begins a cycle
of forming light
and fighting fear
as each one provides

i am not afraid
i just can't see
i survived another year
there's balance in the tides

it's not just putting up with it
it's so much more than getting into it
agree, or disagree?

but to take a view on anything
you need to put your mind to it
accept, or reject?

go out of your way to make up your mind
i'm not getting paid for that
worth it, or turf it?

we may never mean to cause offence
but we always have to choose a side
hypocrite, or critic?

for me i find it hard to be
two different people simultaneously
missed, or dissed?

in a universe of opportunity
different people need to co-exist
chosen, or frozen?

the fact that you're on time and i'm not
doesn't mean our time's the same
zealous, or jealous?

just because we have our different ways
it's not an excuse to insinuate
grateful, or hateful?

because stereotyping different people
ends up an indictment on oneself
choose it, or lose it?

and when we call each other names
that we may or may not understand
childish, or selfish?


and here's the thing:

it might be worth being benevolent
and help each other through whatever strife
no matter how big or how small

but i guess to be truly tolerant
you should probably live the kind of life
that doesn't need to be tolerated at all