I wish I were a cigarette
Perched in-between your perfect arched lips
Breathe me into you
I'll swirl in smoke tendrils around your face
And then I'll happily fade away
Until you light up another later
Being your bad habit isn't so bad
If that's what I am to you,
I'll take it

tingling. my fingers warn me
that anxiety is nibbling
that my heart is transforming
it beats then tweets
a bird locked in a rib cage
That is rapidly shrinking
feathers fall as wings beat fast
a cage that grips the bird at last
I gasp for air and feel the choke
my hands cover my mouth
I know that I will faint if i
let air in again
faster
faster
faster
until I feel the bird passing
my rib cage loosens grip
my hearbeat take
a sweet doves place
a little sad
and more worn then before
and I am forced to take this
Scared, torn and beaten *****
as a token that says life
can just be living sometimes

I look inside a mirror and see
frigid ice crystalize around an iris
Reflecting this coldness
chilling my spine and reminding me of loneliness
even when its taciturn pools
of tears sent ripples
laughter fled and long missed giggles
my eyes see winter
where they once saw
wildfire dancing
and doves sing songs

I look into the my hands
each fold of skin hiding secrets
every etched out finger print
like a deciphered  map
trying to take me to a place I haven’t been yet
perhaps 3D puzzle
that fingers haven’t fit yet
every short torn nail
every cuticle
looking for a space to fill
is as sad as the heart and eyes before them
I beat. I look. I feel
its all so hard right now
to be a living declaration
given word to life’s just living

you left.
and apparently that left me with more problems than I'd like to admit.
you left.
and my walls are so high that sometimes I don't even know what is happening in my own mind.
you left.
and now I'm terrified. I'm scared. but mostly, I'm sccared.
you left.
and I can't let anyone in. I can't believe anyone would even waste their time having a conversation with me.
you left.
and now everything anyone tells me is a lie.
you left.
and I don't think I will ever be able to fully trust another male again.
you left.
and I wish you didn't take my trust with you. because there are some people that deserve my trust so much more than you do.
you left.
and now I believe everyone else will, too.

Something you may not know about me is that I do not sleep well with other people. It's always a very broken, restless sleep and I wake tired and I dislike the first thing I have to do in the morning be to talk to someone.
The reason you don't know this is because it doesn't happen with you. In fact, I sleep better with you. I fall asleep easier and I actually stay asleep and when I wake up I love having you in my arms to press close to and say good morning. This is new to me. But it feels right.

Something you may not know about me is that I've had my heart broken before. Yes, I've loved before, throwing myself into it the first time and ending up with a terrible aching heart that took years to heal.
The reason you don't know this is because now that I'm with you, it's like my heart has never known that hurt. I feel like I'm new to love again, ready to give my all and not knowing what I'm getting myself into it but enjoying every bit of it. This is almost scary to me. But I'm grateful.

Something you may not know about me is when I'm alone, I think of myself as a quiet person. I prefer to be on my own with just my silent words for company, I like calm and stillness.
The reason you don't know this is because I can't shut up around you. I speak like the words will be erased if I don't get them into the air, like I will collapse if I can't make you understand. I just want you to know me. And I laugh loudly and freely with you, because there's a joy I need to express. This is unsettling to me. But I like that I can do it with you.

Something you may not know about me is I have said "I love you" to many people. I love easily and openly, when given the chance to poke out of my shell.
The reason you don't know this is because when I say I love you to you, it's like the first time. The words taste fresh and sincere on my tongue, like they've been reinvented just for you.

This is new to me. But it feels right.

I'm tired of feeling alone every time I
open my eyes and overwhelmingly
lonely whenever I close them. I blink
in the hope that happiness might come
in the millisecond between the two but
it never does and I'm left with something
stronger than disappointment.

I've been reduced to a fraction of who I thought I was
realizing who I had become, by the screens
portraying images and spouting words I thought were true
one day you wake up, wake up from a false reality

you were a child once, playing, wishing, wanting
never thinking about the world you inhabited
the mothers and fathers drudging along everyday
unhappy and ashamed their lives turned into a choreographed dance

now here you are, of age, in college, getting a job
unimpressed with the way society has molded you
to become just another game piece like your parents in their dance
using you and abusing you, you're just a means to an end

Dare you falter, dare you, they indoctrinate you, brainwash you
so if you dare, you fret and stress and don't want to live
you beg for an escape from the harsh world surrounding you
but be brave, do it, jump off the metaphorical cliff

fill your soul with the passion and desire a human being deserves
rather then the futile toils of rote mechanicism they have made your world
feel something more raw and powerful then they could ever give you
because they are nervous and scared that if you wake up they will tumble

you
brave and foolish soul
found me here
followed into
my impossible labyrinth
to battle with glowing torch
the demons

the fanged savages
those howling monsters
that take me into
their chest
bind me up in their fury
til my jaws rage
and claws strike
deep into your
earnest heart

and only after the damage has
run its burning course
will they drop me
the fire flickering away from my hollowed eyes
and i will see
your tears
and i will
press
my scarred
forehead
to your
quivering feet
and
with what is left of my agony
dragging itself from the ruins of
what is left of my soul
beg for a forgiveness
that you had
already
given
even before
i ceased
to be
myself.

A beautiful symbolism of death
The leaves are falling as they turn red
And your feet greet the pavement with vigor
Eyes reflecting the warm, fiery colors
You tuck yourself up in a tight knit sweater
Cheeks flushed and skin so alabaster
Sit on a bench to reflect and regret
It already begun & it's not over yet