To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever.
The pain fades over time.
There are new people,
but the gap never closes.
This hole in your heart is the shape of the one you lost.
No one else can find it.
It's been almost five months,
and every day it still hurts the same as the night I heard the news.
The news that, you had gone to your true home.
Flying high above us.
Watching over us all.
Guardian angles.
Though I know you're in a better place,
I still miss you like crazy.
I wish you were still here.
I will never forget you.
Not even for a minute.

If my life was to end today,
it wouldn't change the world in any way.
Im wearing this smile that I dont believe in,
inside I feel like screaming.

Every day I break a little more inside.
Waking up putting a smile on my face,
faking the smile. The laughs.
Hiding the tears. The hurt.
Some days;
most day...
I just want to curl up under a rock and hide.
No one would be able to hurt me there.
I wouldnt be an inconvenience anymore.
Id be out of sight out of mind.
The way everyone wants it.

Today, I actually felt a little happy.
Wanted.
Loved.
But you noticed and couldn't let me have my happiness could you?
"Freak with all those cuts and scars"
Do you really think that made me feel better?
You took my happy day and turned it to ****.
I hope you're happy now.
Because Im not.

The monsters don't live under the bed or in the closet anymore.
They live inside my head.
They feed on my heart.
They still scare the living **** out of me.
Maybe now, even more so then when I was little.
Because when I was young, mommy or daddy could make them go away;
check behind the closet doors...peek under the bed.
Give me a kiss, tuck me in, and my fears would melt away.
But now that Iv'e grown up, I have to face the monsters alone.
Mommy and Daddy can't calm my fears anymore.
I face the monsters by myself;
and Iv'e never been so afraid.

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness.
Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying.
Nobody knows what's going on with you.
How could anybody realize what's happening?
Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow.
But for you, there's no difference in the days.
Everythings just one endless blur.
Sometimes, it's as if you're not even there.
Just flesh, taking up space.

Im falling again.
Falling back down.
Being pulled down by some invisible force,
why does it have such a strong hold on me?!
Ive tried to pull myself out...but I cant.
All the old habits are coming back.
Consuming me.
With every breath I breathe, I wish for it to be my last.
Im weak,
It seems like theres no one to pull me back up this time.
Its me against myself.
*And Im losing

Your names on my birth certificate.
Your DNA runs through my blood.
I have your eyes.
But those are just small physical things.
They say sometimes your dad isn't just the one who helped to give you life,
but the one who actually stands by you.
Cares about you...
and proves it.
At times, you've been more of a dad to me than my real dad ever was.
Ever is.
He gets so disappointed in everything I do.
Grades. Sports. Life.
He yells over everything I bring home from school,
so I dont bring anything home anymore.
If I need something signed for class, I come to you instead.
You never scream. Never yell.
Instead, you just encourage me to do better.
You help me to understand more.
He gets frustrated that I play so much.
But I love it, and I dont know if he gets that.
Instead of being encouraging and supporting, he gets mad over it all.
Another late practice. Another tournament.
Well guess what?
Winners arn't made by sitting on the couch.
Im glad you understand that.
You're always so encouraging and helpful to me.
Picking me up for class.
Staying after your girls are done to give me a ride when Im done.
Simply telling me I had a good game.
Sometimes thats more than he ever does.
Sometimes he doesnt even come.
Sometimes, he doesnt support me in anything.
Even when he knew I was at my lowest point, he kicked me while I was down.
But you didnt. You dont.
You found out what I was doing to myself, and you never once judged me.
You're always there to crack jokes and make me smile.
You're always there for me.
Whether I text you in the middle of the day or the middle of the night.
Thank you.
For all that you've done. All that you do.
I couldn't ask for a better coach than you.

Ahh so we meet again, old friend of mine.
How Ive missed you so much.
Ive missed your touch.
Quick, yet piercing and sharp.
Leaving evidence you were with me.
Red crimson evidence.
I must hide the evidence quickly.
No one can know you were with me.
We weren't supposed to see each other again.

I guess this is how its going to end.
After all this time, were just going to leave it at this?
Sitting in the same room, within feet of each other.
Not saying a single word.
I stare until you look over, then I look away.
I can feel you starting, I look over...
and you turn the other cheek.
What happened to the old us?
We used to just stare into each others eyes.
Then our eyes finally meet.
The awkward eye contact.
The awkward conversation.
We used to sit and talk for hours, telling secrets no one else knew.
It was never this awkward before, so what happened?
Howd we end up like this?
We lost everything.
you walked away
Why?
Once upon a time, we had so much.
Now we have to say goodbye,
Left with nothing.

Ive told everyone Im over you
and everyone believes me.
I act like I dont care that your gone
but its all lies.
And everyone believes them so easily.
But honestly, I dont know if Ill ever get over you. Ever forget you.
I can still remember everything you said.
All the times you held me in your arms.
Whispered I love you.
My heart still aches, every ******* day.
Everytime I hear your name, it feels as if my heart is going to be torn out of my chest.
I feel sick to my stomach like Im going to puke when people talk about you.
Tears still flow for you, every **** night.
Every night I dream of you, your face haunts me in my sleep.
Because honestly I still love you.
I always have.
And I always will.

I didn't dress up this year for Halloween.
I just didn't feel like it.
But honestly, I didn't need to.
Im dressed up everyday, as a ghost.
Because ghosts are invisible right?
They walk the hall, classrooms, and even their own homes and no one notices them...or believes in them.
Most of those that do believe in them though are frightened.
Especially after they truly see them.
So I guess Im good at being a ghost, it sure makes halloween a lot easier.
But every other day a living nightmare.

Comets, asteriods, falling stars.
All said to be destructive forces that do nothing but destroy right?
But, why do they have to be destructive?
When I think of falling stars,
I think of light flying through the sky.
Giving light to everything in its path.
I thought you were my falling star
Someone sent into my life to bring me joy and light.
Something to wish and hope for at night.
Like many people do while watching the stars in the fields.
But in reality, you were the opposite.
You came into my life and at first, I was blinded by your smile.
I fell in love with you.
You were my everything, I gave you everything.
All my secrets, hopes, dreams, and fears.
You were the light of my life
my falling star
Creating light not destruction right?
WRONG
Because then you left, how dare you.
You made me feel so strong and important, then you tore me down to nothing.
You destroyed everything I hope for. All the dreams and plans we had.
Burnt down to nothing.
So I guess my theory was wrong, right?
Falling stars really dont light the world.
They just destroy.

Everything on the outside seems so great,
but on the inside everythings such a mess.
I put on an act every day,
Ive really become a good actress.
I can fool everyone with my smile,
they all thing I have it together.
In reality though,
Im falling apart.
Im closer to death than Ive ever been.
No one would notice or care.
Im just waiting for the right moment to be alone.
Say goodbye.

Her smile turned to tears,
her hopes turned to fears.
Her dreams turned to nothing,
shes wishing for something.
Her days were slowly slipping away,
shes trying to be strong but shes starting to fade.
Her mask is so flawless,
she acts like she could care less.
Her hearts broken...
This isnt the life she had chosen.

Why do you insist on doing this to me?
Hurting me over and over again.
Was my love not enough?
I was always the one who never gave up on you,
though I had a million reasons to.
I guess I just knew that somewhere inside you there was a fragil boy.
Someone who was at the edge of a clif ready to jump.
Reaching out for anyone to hold onto to.
So I grabbed you and didnt let go,
and I still dont want to.
But now you insist that I let go.
Let go of all the memories, talks, stories.
Everything.
But I cant, every day it haunts me.
If you really want me to let go, then Ill have to leave this place.
Say goodbye.
Slip into the darkness of nothingness.
If you insist.

You treat me like I have a disease.
Like Im sick and if you come to close youll catch it,
but its not contagious I wish you could just see.

You see me around everywhere. For Gods sake I live with you.
But you still keep your distance
As if this so called disease is going to leave me and enter you.
You dont know the real me,
You dont  know the girl whos lost.
And hurt.
You judge me, but then turn around and say you love me.
I dont understand

How can you say you love me then turn around and abuse me?
Do you think I just let it go because I pretend I dont care.
No I dont, it tears me up inside and bring me right back to where this mess all began.
You pushed me to this.
Your words and actions push me further into this,
and still you act as if Im the one at fault.
Im the one with the disease.
But the only cure,
is your apology.
Which I know will never come.

Sweet little angel watching over us all,
you're the one that catches us whenever we fall.
Sweet baby boy flighing high up above,
every thought of you we have is full of love.
Though your time here was too short and we had to say goodbye,
you will forever be the apple of our eyes.
It wasn't fair how soon from us you had to part,
but you will live forever in our hearts.

I always get my hopes up,
just to have them crushed.
Things are great for a while,
I feel such a rush.
I start to think maybe this time it will actually be,
but then it fades to nothing more than a memory.
I always get my hopes up,
just to watch them fall.
Maybe I should just give up,
no one would really care at all.

It's past midnight and she's still awake.
Laying in complete darkness.
Music blasting.
Memories flash before her eyes and all the thoughts,
the only thing they do is overtake her.
She has made it through the day forcing smiles and faking laughs.
But once everyone else is asleep, she breaks.
She cries.
She screams.
She bleeds.
She falls to her knees and cries out to the Lord
"SAVE ME"
Because in the end, death wasn't really what she wanted.
She just wanted someone to save her.
And most of all,
She wanted to be happy and free.