Do not stand at my grave and weep..
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star-shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry..
I am not there. I did not die.

The cruel words you’re spiting at me make me wince and wonder what I’ve done wrong. Like poison it sinks into my veins, burning and decomposing as it goes. My tears start to fall like rain, you start up again, word harsh words coming. Ugly, useless, fat, stupid. They whip me as they sling out of your mouth. You’re finally done and you yell at me to get out of your sight. I let my leaded feet take me to my barren room. Nothing significant, just white. Like an insane asylum cell. I grab my blanket off the floor and wrap myself in it and just let the tears flow. I curl up, screaming my heart out. It all goes blank. Just lying there, Quiet, finally I open my eyes and look at the door and slowly walk to my bathroom, I turn on the hot water. I limply shed each article of clothing and walk sluggishly to the awaiting bath tub. I fall into it and just sit. Thinking of everything that has happened. I stare down at the secluded razor at the corner of my tub. I gaze at it longingly and then grab it. I tare in to the skin of my left arm. I watch as the blood flows freely. I laugh at the thought of you finding my lifeless body.

Start with the unknown,
A first time at something new.
One little taste won't matter.

Will it?

One time.
Just a try,
Just because she has a craving
For something
To preoccupy her mind.

What's the harm in that?

Months later,
Habits are clear.
Ribs show.
Pills spill across the counter.
Cuts etch sorrow into her skin.
Music screams about someone else's problems,
As she tries to forget her own.

She can no longer help herself.
She can no longer stop.

When did 'just one time'
Become every day?
When did 'just wanting to try'
Become a routine part of her life?

Years later,
Problems still haven't stopped.
In fact,
They've only escalated.

Arguments seep through a cracked door,
Louder than ever.
Taunts still echo in her head,
Stronger than ever.

Clothes still don't seem to fit.
Once too tight, now too baggy.
Stress still pounds at the door.
Once too much,

Still too much.

No music is loud enough
To drown out all the shouts.
No drug is strong enough
To take away all the pain.
No pang of hunger is depriving enough
To satiate her dissatisfaction.
No cut is deep enough
To carve out the problems
That envelope her life.

So tangled up in distraction,
So distracted from her problems,
That it was too late.

Her 'just one time' decision
Has become a fixation.

*An addiction.

I am scared. I am scared of failing, of never prevailing; of being let down and being let go. I'm scared of you hurting, of never really learning, of not being here to get to watch you grow. And tomorrow: who knows what it brings; thousands of things, that seem to sing, and scream, and claw at my head. Making my eyesight swallowed in red. And it's  said; I won't forget you I know that it's true. But the days pass by and I'm almost through. Why can't you, just come with me when I go? Just drop everything and come and hit the road. But I'm selfish, for even thinking such things. The emptiness consumes me and I want to just scream; your name, my anchor, my truth. The one one who made me believe, that's you. And I know, I overwhelm you and put the stress in your back. And I say things I shouldn't and I never relax. And you get quiet or maybe don't reply; and sometimes I sit here just waiting and die. It's not your fault.. I know I'm too much. I guess I just have an issue with trust. I have an issue with forgetting, with just letting go. Especially when I remember everything you don't know. I'm okay with being loved how I am now. Of sometimes hitting cold shoulders and frowns. Of watching you drown; even when I throw you a rope. Even when I try to give you some hope; a smile, my shoulders to lean. But I don't know if you listen to me or anything. I tell you I love you, that you're my whole world. I don't just say this to you to give you a whirl. To hear something back; though I admit it'd be nice. I haven't heard it for awhile; maybe once or twice. See the truth is, I'm pathetic. But it's the way that I am. Holding onto your words with both of my hands. I'm terrified, to ever let you go. Though I have a friend similar and she says she knows; that when I go, it'll never be the same. That you'll forget my name and from where I came. From who I am, and how I act. She said that all I'll see is your back; as it turns from me and walks out the door. I think if that happens I'll just sit on the floor. Give me a jacket to hug myself and a pinwheel to blow, spin round and round and see where it goes. Because that's what I'd be like; just spinning round and round. Waiting for you to come back around. To visit, to text me, to call me goodnight. I'm not gonna hold you back from your life. I want you to grow, to meet somebody new. To have a best friend who can be there with you. I want you to go on adventures and laugh in the sun. Someone to be there to let you have fun. And not be so protective as I always was. Let you lean on them and give you their love. I'm preparing for my last night to be a final goodbye. Just because what if it is, and I never got to cry? Or tell you how I love the color of your eyes; your humor.. There's so many things. So many things that I'll always sing; and keep in my heart. Together forever and never apart. Well, I guess apart. And like I said I'm scared. I know you'll see this and won't say a word; it's not how you are, of that I'm sure. Just know that I spent an hour, lying in my room. Trying not to call you and tell you I love you. Trying not to text you, just to say sweet dreams. Trying to not think of you and everything you mean; to me. I'm terrified and I have been every day. And I will be every night until I go away. And I'll probably sit in my room there, a few hours up the state. And write about the way you are on another hundred page.

i'm a mess
i thought i was strong enough
the moment you walked out of my life
i acted like nothing was hurting
but that's just me trying to get over you
but now
i don't want to live without you
i cant survive one more day

I hope you know that I'll always hold you;

always catch you when you fall.

You're so strong, with your proud chin hoisted upwards.

No one would ever see the slouch in your shoulders,

unless you wanted them to.

The tiredness of your eyes;

deep purple smudges on your eyelids.

Your smile may settle in a delightful curve

but it doesn't set in your eyes like the sun.

I will catch you, I promise;

If you should choose to fall, do not be wary.

You won't hit the hard ground, the cold earth.

But you will hit my arms.

And you can just rest there.

Rest there, my dear.

And don't worry about anything.

You don't have to speak;

I will listen to the way your voice sounds,

sincere or not;

I will catch you, darling.

If you should ever fall.

You try to muster up upset
but you're not really
and that kills me

My sobs always landed so quietly
but now they splatter on you
like ice on cement

I hate these charades
you don't mean what you say
and I just don't know what to say
or feel

Stop acting
Be real

The perfect line-
you say them all
the time
but they're manufactured
not organic
but plastic

You want me to be happy
but it's useless