Be.

Yes, dear-
but what do I do
about this
*******
ache?

I am paint over masking tape
To create sharp lines
That never turned out right

I am fingers pressed to screens
And screens
And screens

I am who not to be

I am who I am
And I know what I want

I am drunk,
But not really anymore
So I'm sober
I guess

I am a girl giggling
As her second real boyfriend
Tried to get her to **** his ****
After getting her high
For the first time

I am a mother
Who cheated
By getting an epidural

I am the worst thing
That's ever happened
To too many people

I am poem
After poem
After poem
About boys who probably
Don't remember my name
And whose names
I don't remember

I am dust in the wind
On a dead end highway
In Oklahoma
Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains

I am all the love
And mania
Of a collection
Of bad decisions

I am the screaming
And wretching you hear
Within the walls of a jail

I am wrong so much more often than I am right

I am the acrid smell of
****
Burning through the walls
Of a not-so-happy home

I am dying of thirst
Where the only source of water
Is thousands of miles
Away

You aren't real anyway

The hands of a stranger
Exploring the hem of my skirt
To the heavy beat
Vibrating through my spirit

I'll move my hips
As slowly as is needed
To turn your flesh
To burning stone

Pressed against you
Like a proposition
Zero words spoken
Every promise broken

You may think of me
As a wretched tease
But it's the only advantage
I claim over you

So, touch me and squeeze me
Dance with me til midnight
I don't need a pumpkin
I've got my own car

So I'll leave when I please
To a chorus of pet names
Without even
Telling you my real name

We'll just go with "Babygirl"

I woke up at nine.

Unless you count the crushing regret

The way my heart
-My little engine-
Turns potential
Into kinetic energy

Zero emissions,
But ****
Does she purr!

For days past
For touch
For your fingers
And lips
And all the things
Out of my reach
For steak
And potatoes
And strong drink
For God's sake
For tomorrow
For us to exist together
And cease
The games
For life
For death
For salt
And sugar
And blood
And sweat
And tears

For you <3

Instead of my
Near constant destruction
I think I'll
Try to create

I miss you
And you
Yes, you
You, too

I miss the days
When you looked at me
Like you were
Happy to see me

But my true self
Burned your eyes
With intense black light
And you looked away

One of you said
I'll find someone
Who will give me
Everything

But I never really
Wanted everything
I only wanted
Love

Slender frame,
Auburn hair,
Blue-grey eyes,
I'm hypnotized

Sleeve tattoos,
Cheeky smile,
Effeminate,
I'm desperate

You say my name,
You call me "sweet",
You ***** tease
I'm on my knees

I'm useless
Around boys like you
I'm *****
And wish you were, too

As much as I try
To pretend that I'm fine,
I know that I'm
Not.

I wrote you a letter
That I might just
Burn

When
Will
I
Learn?

I could be
Anywhere,
But I wannabe
With you

What say you?

Sometimes
I wish to keep you
Like a bug
In a jar
With holes in the lid
And a thin layer of soil
And sticks and leaves
For you to climb on
But then I remember
How all
My childhood bugs
Died within hours
And I change my mind

You quiet the tempest
Of my emotions
With the stillness
Of your love

I'm only hit again
By the tidal wave
Of my infatuation
After you leave

But in those
Private moments
Where I feel so safe
I melt into you

At. Every. Opportunity.

That quiet calm
Which evades me
Most days
Is freely mine, with you

And my love
Slows down
And breathes
Your scent

And it trusts you <3

Who hasn't drunkenly complained to the guy at the liquor store about their abysmal romantic prospects?

I
Just
Want
This
Story
To
End.

Let's bail on the film during intermission <3

There is only you
With those hands
And those eyes
And those lips

I bet you bite hard
And pull the skin with your teeth
To remind your victim
Of your ability
To easily tear the flesh

'Murica is gettin' cold
And dark
And grey
And sad
But, there you are

In the blur that is Fall

Everything dies
To desolate the earth for Winter
And, here I am

Made alive by you

Through the cold
Maybe you will keep me warm
Maybe you will keep me
From freezing to death

There, in your shame
Cozy and warm
Until the Spring
When I can step into the sunshine
Out of your embrace

Would you want to keep me?



Well?

The roll hit
just after
I played uke
with a bunch
of ****** hippie
kids.

I thought of you
Euphoria
and my brain
Booted up the
drug.
molly.exe

"Rolling hard"
is interesting
Terror and bliss
Dancing a woozy
Tango in the night

Terror had her fill
and so subsided
so all that
was left
was Bliss

On the beach
With friends
So much
Bliss

Almost overwhelming,
Terror may
threaten you,
but Bliss
checks that *****

I ran into the
waves
of that infinite
Ocean
And screamed
into them
I screamed
Into the Ocean
With the full
force of my
Voice
for the first time
since my last
Mental break

She will always
Roar louder than
you,
That infinite Ocean

I guess it was, but the tear fell anyway

Are you frightened?
No?
But you're silent
So
I guess it's something else

He says:

"The trouble with a mask is that it never changes."

And I think of you.
I think of your mask
And how it hasn't changed
And how it never will
According to Bukowski.

I wonder if you are real.
Really, actually, truly real.
I wonder if you are just a mask.
I wonder if you are hollow.

The most addictive things
Are the poisons we create ourselves.
You, then, must be man-made.
You are shoddily me-made.

Every sweet word and sensation
Was created in my fantasy.
I projected complex emotions
Onto your lifeless mask.

You will never change.
You will never change.
You will never change.
You are just a mask

And Bukowski is warning me from his grave.

There are rooms full people
Talking small with large, gaping mouths
I want to stab them, one by one
Until they notice and scream
I suppose it will take hours
For the fear of death in their bodies
To outweigh the fear
Of life in their minds
I want them to scream in panic
Scream for survival so that they might live
And tomorrow, when they meet again
I want them to speak of the frivolity of war
Of the importance of animalistic copulation
Of the stench of the blood and **** on the floor
I want them to refrain from cleaning the floor
So that they remember the hecatomb
And speak of the martyrs
Who reminded them of their ability to speak
Of more than just the ******* weather

How long I'll be able to handle this persistent sadness before I finally put an end to it

for good

For all of your objections
I have a fierce excuse
A desperate justification
A bribe
And a curse

All these words
Trail behind me
Spilling from my fingers
Gently pressed to a screen
What do they even mean?

All this time
With nothing to show
Laughing at Forever
Hardly noticing at all
How far I'm going to fall

All them nights
Lightning in the sky
Flattering a stranger
Poorly masking all my craze
I've got scary **** for days!

All that love
For different boys
Add them to the kite tail
Lightly floating in the breeze
Until the lighting finds the key

There's a picture in my head
That I call "Perfect"

I close my eyes every morning
And imagine someone beside me

The someone is kind and rested
And smiles when our eyes meet

They reach out and touch my face
With the gentleness of the rising sun

And try out a rough "Good Morning"
Before clearing their throat

We kiss,
And it's softer than the pillows

We embrace,
And it's warmer than the blankets

We ****,
And it's hotter than that sun

I open my eyes to the reality
Of the choices I have made

And I try not to hate it
Too much

She smiles sweetly
Her nametag reads
SOLITUDE
And she follows you
Through crowds
Whispering in your ear
Quietly
Yet drowning it all out
"I am with you"
She smells so sweet
As she gently places fingers
Around your shoulders
And you stiffen
"Relaaaax"
You relaaaax
Where did everyone go?
Her fingers tighten, tighten,
Massaging away the crowd
"I am with you"
She turns your shoulders
You walk towards a blackness
Blindingly bright blackness
That burns the eyes
"Here"
She is hissing
Fingers around your shoulders
Digging in and biting down
Fingernails slowly sinking
In and down and in and down
"I am everything"
The blackness deepens
The blackness thickens
The blackness burns
"You are nothing"
Something presses to your back
A ****
A hard, sharp, thin ****
Pressing to your spine
Harder, harder
Growing against and into you
Slowly piercing, ever growing
You cry out
"I will ******* to DEATH!"
Her **** gores your spine
Searing and scrambling
Your guts and lungs
"YOU ARE NOTHING"
The bloodied, pointed head
Emerges from a burning hole
Up through your chest
Pointed to the blacked-out sun
This is the end
The end
THE END

But how I loved you

I loved you with the heat
And the drive
And the mania
Of a dry brush fire

The loss of life was tragic

You know that feeling
When you suddenly
Lose all of your light
And energy
And breath
And h o p e
And m o t i v a t i o n?

Science can't explain
What you do to me
So it must be magic

Legendary beasts
Fabled encounters
Nonsense words

You slay me
And tame me
And break me

But I'll just drink
To your
Memory

The ravenous,
Beastly harlot
With the many arms
And many horns
And the tongue of
Honey and silver
Is not at all
Tamed.

She is simply
s l u m b e r i n g

All you need do
To wake her
Is lean close
To my ear
And whisper,

"Now."

~

I tell him all the stories
About the boys,
The lies,
The awful dates

He tells me
I've been
Given
A **** hand

And then
He adds himself
To the pile
Of stories

I won't say it didn't sting
To learn that you love her

But I could kick myself
For not seeing it coming

How many of us
Have to die
And starve
And scream
Before they get it?

Mi corazon
Mi Alma
Mi querida sombrita

I'm going to hell
Y tú, a la casa de tu abuela
Ms. Rachel and
Bubble guppies
And Paw Patrol
And plenty of snackies
But no mama

Everyone assures me you'll never remember
But I worry
That you'll always wonder
Why you worry about me leaving you

I collapsed the seats of my Rav4
You watched my *** the whole time
And saw an opportunity
As I bent over between the front seats
One, two, then three fingers
While fumbling to turn off the hazards
Biting a seat to keep quiet
Accidentally turned the music back on
"Stay In My Memory" by Bim
The song from Him
**** him, I'll ******* instead
The hazards were off
The music still on
Your fingers making my body quake
From the inside
Twice
Strong enough to throw me around
Like I was someone cuter and smaller
And put me on my back
With a hand around my throat
Kissing at me like a dog
Making me submit like a *****
Three, four, five
"On your knees"
And you threw me there, too
Six
Around we spun
Getting rug burn
Lost count of the quakes
They started to blend
With the aftershocks
"Are marks okay?"
And then you left one
A hickey on a weeknight
And a Monday, no less
Next time, we need a bed
Rug burn is a *****

Your eyes reminded me
Of my cats
With wiiiide
Open pupils
Dreamily taking in
So much
Of the world

Hours of sub-conscious-ness

Between the fight and now

These days, I always wake

Before the sun

Before you

And remember the fight-

"Well, MAYBE
Ifyouweren'tsuchafuckingbitch
Spoiledbratcunt
Ihateyou
Bitc­h
*****
*****
FuckyouIhateyou"

I look over

Knowing

When you wake, you won't remember

It always takes a while

The sun will make you squint

And you will smile

Because, really-

"Good morning, love!
Iloveyou
Youmeantheworldtome
You'resobeautiful
Kissme,love
­Love
Love
Love
IthinkI'llsleepalittlelonger"

The dog whines at the door

As you try to close your eyes

Feed me, walk me, pet me

I will let him whine

It's the only revenge I have

You finally sigh

"I'll get it, love"

You stand out of bed

And I notice

You have morning wood