Swinging.
Back and forth.
Legs in.
Legs out.
Concentration.
Free mind.
Wind.
Height.
Air, sky.
Clouds.
Gravity.
Ground.

“Do you think there’s such thing as loving someone too much?” I asked him and searched his face for his reaction, which he didn’t show.

“What do you mean?” he questioned.

“I don’t know, do you think it’s possible to just want to love someone so much and save them, when maybe they’re already too broken to be fixed. I mean, maybe it would have been better—

“Don’t say that.” Michael interrupted, “Noah, don’t say that.”

“I don’t know, Michael. I mean, if she’s really that unhappy, was I in the wrong to send her to rehab? Was I wrong to want to save her and make her happy?”

“No, you’re not in the wrong.”

“I mean, if she really doesn’t want to live anymore, am I being selfish for wanting to keep her alive?”

Depressed People Have Best Friends Too
I don’t think that people comprehend
That there are days when my bed is my best friend.
She holds me snuggled in her blanket arms and doesn’t
Mind that the night before, I was punching her mattress stomach
And crying onto her pillow shoulders.
The days when my black curtains make it harder to pull
Myself away from her full size body because they’re
Shielding me from the sun are some of my favorite days to spend
Staring at the ceiling until I’m too tired from doing nothing.
2:00 in the afternoon feels like 2:00 in the morning.
Sleep comes easier behind the daylight after silently sobbing
To my bed the night before while the rest of the world
Slept peacefully.
I’ve found that the brisk breeze outside often punches me in the face
And the spring dandelions, summer heat, autumn leaves, and
Innocent white snow kicks me in my ribs when I’m already down.
Each morning, I cautiously leave my bed and all around me
It seems that people are throwing daggers at me with their eyes,
Whisper spitting poison from their lips.
The pain is simply too much.
Staying in bed, wrapped in the comfort of blanket arms
Holding me while I sleep away the hurt is easier.

Found that old notebook,
The one from junior year.
Hidden away in the back of the closet.
Trying on its own to disappear.

Took a deep breath,
Before I turned the cover.
Yeah, I saw some notes,
But your name is more what I discovered.

And the memories come flooding through.
And the tears begin to flow,
How I’d still **** to have you back.
Even knowing what I already know.

Because,

You knew just how to hold me,
Always would protect me,
You could always love me,
Could hold me down,
You were like my anchor.

Now you’re gone,
And  you’re not around,
You left me cold,
And I can’t erase you,
Like pen lines on paper.

In the top right corner,
Of almost every page,
The date moves on throughout the year,
And your name always manages to appear.

Almost always written in pen,
Unable to be erased,
Always somewhere on the page,
Always in a different place.

Because,

You knew just how to hold me,
Always would protect me,
You could always love me,
Could hold me down,
You were like my anchor.

Now you’re gone,
And  you’re not around,
You left me cold,
And I can’t erase you,
Like pen lines on paper.

I hear the ringing in my ear,
Hoping your voice answers at the other end,
The notebook sits in my lap,
Holding your name
And words I can no longer comprehend.

Silent sobs  land on the ink,
Making it blur and smear,
Flipping through the pages,
Pausing at each one,
To make sure each receives a tear.

Because,
I remember,

How you knew just how to hold me,
How you always would protect me,
How you could always love me,
How you could hold me down,
You were like my anchor.

But now you’re gone,
And  you’re not around,
You left me cold,
But I’m finally able to erase,
These pen lines on the paper.

It seems everything happens for a reason,
I’ve suddenly lost my breath.
Realization has occurred,
Each new passing day,
Brings me one step closer to death.

All the locked messages,
Saved on my phone.
That little paddle lock,
Saving themselves from deletion.

All the locked messages,
Remind me of how I fell so hard.
But recovered without a scratch or cut,
Because you were there to catch me.

There’s an infinite amount of things in this world that I’ll never understand; an enormous list of things I’ll never know the rhyme or reason behind, if there is one. I can never understand why there are days when out of the blue, watching TV downstairs, that she’ll just get up and leave the room, making an exit to our bedroom, and our bed. I’ll never understand why her brain has less chemicals than mine, why she suffers from depression, and I’m just fine.

But as I watch her crawl up the stairs slowly, I know that the tears have already began to well up in her eyes and are threatening to spill over but she’s keeping her composure as long as she can until she’s hidden away inside our room. And thirty seconds later, she’ll have unleashed the flood of salty liquid down her cheeks until they mark the pillow case with mascara and eyeliner.

And after letting her sob in a silence that she thinks I cannot hear, I’ll make my way up the stairs to find her with her back towards the door, her shoulders shaking as she tries to stop the rain from falling, hoping I’ll leave it alone and leave the room.

But it’s too much to see her fight this battle on her own. It’s too hard to see the scars she’s taken in a haste to finish the war for the night and start again unexpectedly in the future. So instead, I don’t ask her what’s wrong or why she’s crying because I know that she doesn’t even know why the tears are falling so quickly. I know that she’s just as lost as I am in this mission.

So I won’t leave the room, but I’ll lay down beside her and listen to her as she continues trying to stop her tears, the sniffling of her nose before she knows she can’t win and let’s herself go once more in the presence of me. And before long, I’ll wrap my arms around her shoulders and hold her in them until she relaxes in my security.

There are things in this world that I’ll never understand, like how she can be so miserable and I can be just fine; why she was born with a brain with less chemicals than mine.

Looking out the window,
Rain drops start to pour,
The lightning strikes,
And the thunder roars.

A million thoughts,
Race through my mind,
What happens next,
Answers I cannot find.

Your face appears,
Looking real as ever,
Make me miss you more,
Showing how you are clever.

I plug in my music,
And think of everything wrong,
Distracting myself,
By listening to some rainy day song.

It’s one of those cold, windy, nights,
One where the stars chose to hide behind the clouds,
I’ve called your phone a couple too many times.
Just thought I’d be able to hear your voice.

Your voicemail would’ve been good enough.

It’s only a little after ten.
And I can’t sleep to save my life.

The spot in my bed, where you used to lay,
Right next to me,
Just harbors some empty sheets,
Holding your smell in between.

It’d just be nice to have you here.

It’s getting a little later,
But I can’t seem to close my eyes.

So I’ll just roam the town.
Check out the old neighborhoods,
See some couples,
Walking hand in hand down the street.

And see your car parked up ahead,
Next to one I cant say I recognize.
I move closer and only see your bedroom light,
With two shadows.
And I choose to just drive by.

A couple more days move on past,
A few more seconds, that wouldn’t last.

And you slowly start to fade.

But the rain just started to fall,
As I look out the window pane,
And choose the one I want to win,
My eyes start to water, tears I no longer can contain.

And I just can’t seem to stop them.
Letting them fall a little faster.

Before I gain some composure.

I hear a car coming down the street,
Looking up the road to see a car I’ll always recognize.
You see me in the glass,
But he comes up behind me,
And you choose to just drive by.

I cut myself again for the last time the night before last, proceeding to fall asleep, hoping I wouldn’t open my eyes this morning.
Waking up to a floored mascara line so straight down my cheek, I didn’t know tears could glide so unbent.
Ruler aligned cuts stand ***** like railroad ties over the flesh of my wrist.
I walk around, careful because I’m concealing a secret that only I can possibly know.
The bracelets hugging the veins in my wrist are nothing but a fashion statement working to disguise the cuts that haven’t yet turned to scars.
I walk around, half hoping someone notices, but still praying they don’t.
The feeling as if everyone around me can hear the thoughts whispering inside my head as they grow louder the more I try and look someone in the eye.
Can they see that the dam inside my eyes broke and was put together when I focused on keeping the blood contained from my wounds?
Gambling with the idea that the people I walk by and next to and towards know that I tossed and turned too many times to remember.
Risking and hoping the **** Band-Aids won’t draw attention to the damage I’ve done to my skin,
Until I take them off, allowing the cuts to breathe,
To heal into scars.

If my bed wouldn't have turned cold,
I never would have known you'd gone.
Before the sun had risen, your car sped down the street,
away.
And I stayed.

And now Im only a little bit sad.
I gave in once again, to a love I thought you meant.

As I've done over and over again,
Ill wait for your text, your call.
And when you never do,
please know,
it wasn't me, but all you.

By the end of the tenth month,
I’d have cut myself at least ten times
On ten different nights.
Ten mornings I’d wake up and put
On a long sleeved shirt
And not because I was cold.
Ten bracelets would line my wrist
And I’d say that they matched my outfit.
Ten nights I’d cry myself to sleep
And wish that I was dead.
Ten mornings I’d wake up with my eyes
So red and swollen that ten people
Might’ve asked if I was okay
And ten times to those ten people
I’d say that I was just tired.
Ten Band-Aids would be laid to rest
Over my wounded skin.

And after the tenth month,
It would be November.

Rocking back and forth,
In a wooden rocking chair.
True love right beside me,
Wrinkling skin and silver hair.

Reminiscing on old times,
Pain laughter, memory lane.
Slowly he rises,
Grabbing his leaning cane.

Standing in front of me,
Carefully extending his hand,
I grab hold of it,
He easily helps me stand.

Pulling me close, standing on the porch,
Sounds of the morning dove,
Remind me of old mornings,
Waking up after falling in love.

He kisses my forehead,
And I know he remembers too,
All the dark nights,
That his feelings proved true.

It is now that I realize,
True love lasts a lifetime.
Even as little kids at play,
You have always been mine.

“If we played tag,
You’d be it forever.
It’s the dawn of a new era,
And you’re about to sever.”

That’s what she said to me,
Before she grabbed me by my hair.
She dragged me all around,
Then finally into her lair.

She held me hostage,
Tortured me every way.
Made me feel the guilt,
And said I would pay.

I told her I couldn’t control love,
And he fell for me.
Tried opening her eyes,
So she could finally see.

She still wanted revenge,
Over things I couldn’t control.
After torturing me some more,
Death would surely take it’s toll.

She told me she’d let me go,
If only I broke up with him.
But I would rather die,
Then ever let her win.

In that game of tag,
No one ever won.
I would die again for him.
Because he was the one.

When was the last time you texted me first?
To ask me how I was or what was up.
Instead of always needing a favor.
You always tell me to text you,
Only to have them ignored half of the time.
**** it,
I’m not texting you first.

Should I cry?


Or start punching the walls?


Or both?

I live in a cloud filled world
Where only with you,
Do I catch a glimpse of the sun.

The photographs serve as my own permanent, tangible, unforgettable memories.

In the end,
No one ever wins.
We all have wronged.
We all have sins.

No one exits,
With a clean slate.
We all have secrets,
Some told too late.

Words unspoken,
Stories untold.
Assumptions created,
Questions left in the cold.

Lies made up,
Rumors spread.
No one ever listens.
Until you’re dead.

Building my hopes up,
Just to watch them fall.
Waiting and waiting,
For the day you won’t return my call.

You’re too good to be true,
I just don’t believe,
You can make me feel this way,
Taking my breath away, I can’t breathe.

Sweeping me off my feet,
Like I’m a fairy tale princess.
Then blowing me away,
Like simple dandelion dust.

I wake up,
And I think of you.
I dream at night,
But only of you.

You can take up the most space
In my brain.
Drive me crazy,
Make me go insane.

Falling in love,
All over again.
I’ll be your one and only,
Your full attention.

This alcohol in my cup won’t numb the pain,
Just like the umbrella I hold above my head won’t stop the rain.

But it’ll cover it up.

Just like the cigarette I hold between my fingers,
Will levitate smoke, hide my face and softly linger.

I used to think,
That you were irreplaceable,
That you were the greatest,
That no one could love me deeper,
That nobody could make me feel the same.
It just so turns out,
I thought wrong.

Our whisper wars in the dark
Speak louder than the stars
Shining above. Their luminosity
Brightens my skin while I
Cradle into you.
Your secrets at 3 in the morning
Burn deep into my heart and
I keep them protected behind
My ribcage.
I hold your breaths against my *******
While the rise and fall of your chest
Moves like the tide of the ocean
Against the sand of the beach.
When you begin to drown in
The moonlight of the night,
Know that I am pacing the shoreline
With my flaming candle,
Waiting for your cries from within the waves.
Please know that when the wind blows out
The flickering fire, making wishes
For happiness, that dust from dandelions
Will still be visible in the air;
No matter how crisp the water’s kisses
Are against my cheek.
And know that even in the darkness
Of our ocean, when I’m losing
My strength to tread salt,
I will always reach for you,
Both to save you and be rescued.

When you see my car,
Parked outside of that local bar,
Go ahead, stare and wonder,
What the Hell I’m doing there.

But don’t think about pulling in the lot,
Don’t think about walking in.
Don’t look for me in a booth,
I’m not there for something smooth.

Don’t come up,
And sit right down.
Don’t order a beer,
And pretend to look around.

Don’t act like you don’t know,
That I’m sitting right here,
Sippin’ on something strong,
While the bartender gives you your beer.

Don’t ask me how I’m doing.
Don’t question how I’ve been.
Don’t come around here acting,
Like you actually give a ****.

‘cause I don’t want to see your face.
And I don’t want to hear your voice.
I don’t want to know you miss me.
I don’t want to have to make that choice.

I’m just trying to get a buzz,
Something short of tipsy,
Don’t grab my hand,
Lace our fingers,
Don’t tell me that you miss me.

Don’t tell me I look good,
Don’t ask if you still have a chance.
Don’t look at the empty seats and floor,
And ask if I want to dance.

Don’t pull me in close,
Whisper that you want me back.
Don’t offer to buy my next drink,
My mind’s already off the track.

Don’t ask me how I’m doing,
Don’t question how I’ve been.
Don’t come around here acting,
Like you actually give a ****.

‘cause I don’t want to see your face.
And I don’t want to hear your voice.
I don’t want to know you miss me.
I don’t want to have to make that choice.

I’m just trying to get a buzz,
Something short of tipsy.
Don’t grab my hand,
Lace our fingers,
Don’t tell me that you miss me.

Don’t let out that long sigh,
Where you already know I don’t care.
Don’t order my next drink for me,
Everything’s already a watery blur.

Don’t turn your head the other way,
Because you don’t know what to say.
Don’t take another drink of your beer,
While on my face is the track of a tear.

‘cause I didn’t want to see your face.
And I didn’t want to hear your voice.
I  didn’t want to know you miss me,
I didn’t want to have to make this choice.

I was just trying to get a buzz,
Something short of tipsy.
But you grabbed my hand,
Laced our fingers,
And told me that you missed me.

They say suicide is selfish.
Maybe it is.
They say you go to Hell.
Maybe you do.
They say you can get help.
Maybe you can.
They say, everything will get better.
Maybe it will.
They say you can get through it.
Maybe you can’t.
They say, life’s not that bad.
Maybe they don’t really know.
Maybe words are easier said than done.
Do they say that?

When darkness calls,
I’ll stumble around,
Looking for you,
To break all my falls.

When your arms reach out,
I’ll stumble around,
Looking for you,
Trusting without a doubt.  

When clouds fill my sky,
I’ll stumble around,
Looking for you,
Never wanting to say goodbye.

When music fills my ears,
I’ll stumble around,
Looking for you,
Someone who brings my happiness to tears.

When cologne fills my nose,
I’ll stumble around,
Looking for you,
To bury my head in your clothes.

When he says my name,
I’ll stumble around,
Looking for you,
‘Cause I know it’ll never sound the same.

Pale, white canvases called your wrist.

Fine tipped blade brushes.

Remember when your arms were clean?
When society wasn’t so mean?
When you didn’t log into accounts,
And want to log right back out?
Back when you lived in a world full of love,
But got older so push came to shove,
You chose to take the shove,
And tried to solve everything you were sick of.
Chose to create some scars first.
Changing everything about you, just so you could hurt.
Any sweatshirt became your friend,
Hiding the several wounds you couldn’t mend.
But only for so long,
Before someone noticed that you were acting all wrong.
Someone who started asking tons of questions,
Because they’d noticed you’ve given into depression.
She was asking because she cared and had noticed the change,
You hadn’t been like yourself, but instead in disarrange.
When you were confronted,
You just wanted to walk away and hide from it.
But she grabbed your arm,
And your sweatshirt moved, revealing your self harm.
And everything you’d tried so hard to cover,
Rose to the surface, allowing her to discover,
The scars that stood in plain sight,
And how the internet had forced you to hate your life.

Stand in front of me.
Close range.
You’re like leaves upon this ground.
They begin to fall.
And you’ve began to change.
Don’t want to remember you this way.
Don’t want to remember this exchange.
You are not yourself.
And you are not the same.
Transformed into some super being.
Something I will never claim.
Insulted me, put me down.
Sent me through this pain.
But now the table’s turned.
And the game is ready to be played.

*******, Cupid,
For striking me so deep.
*******,
For giving me something,
I thought I’d be able to keep.

I’d caught her in the act twice before and the silence from the upstairs bedroom was louder than the TV broadcasting the news tonight. Any other night, I could hear her footsteps against the floorboards, the opening and shutting of doors, cupboards, closets, but tonight when I muted the TV, all I heard was quiet.

I walked cautiously up the stairs, always unprepared for what I might find. I kept my ears open for any hint that she was simply sleeping. The light glowed underneath the closed bedroom door and I knew that she was inside; asleep or passed out from an overdose, I could never be sure.

Pushing on the door, it didn’t budge; a little harder and I could tell she’d put the chair to the vanity under the doorknob to keep out intruders such as myself. I could hear the clicking of an object and I couldn’t be sure what it was.

“Seely, open the door,” I said to her through the crack I’d formed between the door and the frame.

She was out of sight, which left me still unsure of what the clicking I’d heard before was.

“Babe, come on,” I said, “open the door.”

I pushed harder and the barrier opened a tiny bit more. One more push and I’d broken through her barricade. She was standing with her back facing me, her hands playing with the object in front her chest, but still out of my sight. Her long, brunette hair hung to the middle of her back and she was wearing a slimming backless, black dress that had no occasion to be worn for tonight.

“Seely,” I whispered, entering the room more cautiously than I had while climbing the stairs.

Edging closer to her, I suddenly recognized the clicking coming from between her fingers. I gently touched her shoulder and she turned to face me, tears streaming down her face. Her mascara was a mess over her rosy cheeks and the circular indent from the barrel of my small handgun was imprinted against the side of her forehead.

She’d dressed up to die and I’d interrupted her date with death.

“I can’t figure out how to load it,” she said with her eyes glazed over in tears, mascara continuing to streak down her face.

“Jesus Seely,” I said and quickly grabbed the weapon from her. “What the hell are you doing?”

The safety of the gun had been switched off and she’d placed one bullet inside the chamber. I unloaded the weapon and placed it in the closet, making a mental note to get rid of it in the morning. Returning out of the closet, Seely had sunken against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest, tears steadily streaming down her face and landing on top of her legs.

I ran my hand through my hair, tugging on it out of frustration. I sighed in anger and closed my eyes in an attempt of thinking what I should do next.

“Why do you do this?” I asked her from across the room. “Why?”

She only shook her head and I knew she held the words on the tip of her tongue but could never tell me what exactly was going on inside her mind.

“Why can’t you see that it’s not your time?” I said a little louder, “why can’t you accept that?”

“Because I don’t want to be here anymore,” she said with the same tone of voice that I had. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Well God doesn’t want you yet; it’s not your time,” I was almost yelling at her now. “Don’t you think if it was your turn he’d have taken you the first time I found you with three bottles of pills swallowed? Why would he let you live long enough to have your stomach pumped and survive?” I paused, letting my words sink in. “Or the second time when you wrapped your car around that tree and you hadn’t been wearing your seatbelt. The suicide note was taped to the dashboard and your body was ejected from the car a few feet away. You should’ve died, Seely, but you didn’t. He doesn’t want you yet.”

She was sobbing now as I dug up her skeletons from the past. I sighed loudly and knelt down beside her, grabbing her hands and holding them in mine. The truth was, I didn’t know if it was her time or not. I didn’t know if God wanted her right now, tomorrow, the next year or in fifty years, but I knew that she couldn’t get lucky three times. She’d upgraded to the gun I had stashed in the closet and I knew there’d be no coming back from the bullet she was preparing to take to the side of her head.

“Seely, talk to me,” I whispered to her. “Tell me what’s going on inside.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” she whispered.

And I knew that I wouldn’t but it didn’t stop me from trying.

I told you I’m not perfect,
But you told me I’m pretty **** close.
You’re like some kind of personal medicine,
And I’m willing to take every dose.

I told you I wasn’t fully in love with you,
But I was definitely falling.
You said you’re pretty good at catching things,
I’m beginning to think I should just stop stalling.

You may ask why I don’t hang out with guys,
And the fact is, I do.
But nothing feels right.
None of them are you.

They don’t make me laugh,
And smile like you do.
They’re nothing at all.
None of them are you.

They don’t wear the same cologne,
Like you always do.
They’ll never smell the same.
None of them are you.

They’ll never hold me,
Like you used to.
They don’t come close.
None of them are you.

They won’t ever love me,
Like you used to.
They’ll love me deeper.
Because, none of them are you.

because the simplest bit of eye contact,

can see all the secrets hidden beneath.

These silent screams.
They’re in my house.
They’re in the seams.
They crowd around me.
They’re forming teams.
They close in all around.
They’re silent.
They don’t make a sound.
I open my mouth.
To let all the words come out.
My mouth is dry.
Just like a drought.

I’m just broken.
These old wounds are open.
There’s nothing more for me to say.
Nothing I could’ve done, nothing I could’ve said.
Nothing would’ve made you stay.

I don’t know what went wrong,
After starting out so strong,
Guess we just went off the road, lost our way.
Nothing I could’ve done, nothing I could’ve said.
Nothing would’ve made you stay.

Thought everything was going fine.
Thought I would always call you mine.
Everything wasn’t right, everything wasn’t okay.
Nothing I could’ve done, nothing I could’ve said,
Nothing would’ve made you stay.

There’s no more you and me,
We won’t ever be what we used to be,
Now it’s just a barely a “hey”
Nothing I could’ve done, nothing I could’ve said.
Nothing would’ve made you stay.

I’m just finding the strength to move on.
Starting this new morning, this new dawn.
It’s finally a new day.
And I’ve realized nothing I could’ve done, nothing I could’ve said.
Nothing would’ve made you stay.

Throughout the night,
Walking silently.
Into the light,
So soundlessly.

Throughout the night,
There is no fun.
Just a tiny flying kite,
Into the sun.

Throughout the night,
Darkness fills the air.
Leaving one with no eyes, no sight.
Only one who’s willing to dare.

Throughout the night,
They fly through stars.
With all their might,
To the planet Mars.

Throughout the night,
Everything seems to fade away,
Bring forth the frosty morning light,
And begin the new day.

The sun begins to rise.
It’s too early to be awake.
Grabbing my keys,
I start towards the car.

Not one hour of sleep,
Tears held back.
Trying to be strong.
Driving across town.

Stop lights and morning traffic,
The only obstacles slowing me down.
Pulling in the drive way.
Your mom greets me at the door.

Walking up on the porch,
She pulls me in her arms.
A single tear escapes,
And slides down my cheek.

Holding the door for me,
I walk inside.
She asks me how I slept.
I tell her, “not one bit.”

My bed isn’t right.
It’s meant for two.
You’re half a world away.
And I’m here, just thinking about you.

After a couple sips of coffee,
And some minutes of loud silence,
I stand up,
And walk to the stairs.

At the top and to the right,
Your room is stationed at the end.
I open the door,
And your scent hits me hard.

Walking to your closet,
I pull out one of your button-ups.
I wrap it around myself,
And grab another shirt.

I go over and sit on your bed,
Hugging the extra shirt to my chest.
Smelling your sweet scent,
And begin to cry.

A million tears,
Finally flooding out.
Heavier sobs escaping,
Until I lay down on my side,
My head resting on your pillow.

I just want it all.
All that I had before.
Before that awful night when you left.
Left my heart in pieces.
Pieces like shattered glass.
Glass that’s irreplaceable.
Irreplaceable, all those nights.
Nights that are now so quiet.
Quiet that makes me think.
Think you might return.
Return from whatever you ran from.
From wherever you are.
Are all wrong.
Wrong to believe.
Believe you ever fell for me.
Me, like I fell for you.
You hopefully catching my fall.
Fall for another girl.
Girl who’s better than myself.
Myself, that’s all I have.
Have no love.
Love for anything.
Anything, anyone.
Anyone but you.

There’s a line of people,
Ready to say their goodbyes.
Whispering silent farewells.
Standing in the aisle.
Some will see you again soon.
But for others,
It’ll be a little longer while.

Sleepless nights,
And endless tears,
While you’re just fine.
In that new place you’re in.

Say a prayer,
You’re no longer suffering.
All of us will carry on.
Say goodbye, one last time,
To your love.

Take the happiness,
I’d rather let you have it.
And close the casket.

You stand in front of the mirror.
Looking at your distorted image.
Mascara ran down your face.
Tear tracks put in place.
And you can’t bare to see it.
You ball your hand in a fist.
And punch the reflection.
Shattering it.
Falling to your knees.
Glass cutting your legs.
You grab a sharp piece.
You drag it over your skin.
Across your wrist.
Creating a never disappearing scar.
You feel like you’ve hit your lowest point.
But you look up.
At the little piece of reflection.
That didn’t fall out of the frame.
You look at yourself.
At that little piece of glass.
And you realize.
It’s just a bump in the road.
This too shall pass.

After being gone and away for so long,
You return to where you’ve been and try to forget anything was ever wrong.
But everyone starts asking you a million questions.
Like where you went and trying to get some kind of confession.
And while you’re trying to keep calm
And not be overwhelmed,
You move the hair from your eyes,
And make up some story to get them to buy the lies.
But when you reach your hand up to your head,
One of your many bracelets moves and shows the red.
The scars appear in their vision,
You look at those people, and while making a decision,
You beg with all your eyes can say,
To not say a word, and to just let the memory slip away.
But they just stare at you,
Because to them, you’re not the same person, you’re someone new.
And you slowly break away, creating some distance.
The memories flood back and you wish you would’ve ruined your existence.
And you slowly fall apart.
Feeling the crack and the breaking within your heart,
You slowly take off each bracelet, one by one.
To allow their eyes to see that you left a scar instead of using the gun.
And enable them to know,
Your smile wasn’t real, it was just a show.
And your laugh wasn’t genuine,
And you had fallen victim to self harm upon your skin.
But most importantly,
They knew that the person they’d been thinking had it all,
Wasn’t ever perfect at all.

The black of night,
Brings in closure.
Some sort of light.
Something no one else sees.

Voices in my head,
Gives me some quiet company.
Listened to every word they’ve said.
Something no one else has heard.

Warm skin beneath my fingers,
Saves me from myself.
Your body on edge lingers.
Something no one else has felt.

I’m no longer alone,
You’re still here.
Nose filled with scents of your cologne.
Something no one has smelled.

Your sweet breath,
Lands upon my lips.
Brings me closer to death,
Something no one else will taste.

People tell me,
To let it go.
To stop holding a grudge.
To leave it in the past.
To forget about it.
To move on.
I tell them,
Never.