Real life isn't like T.V.
It doesn't cut away to commercial.
It doesn't end always end in resolution.
Real life is messy and it's loud.
Its watching a marriage of several decades
Snuffed by the end that takes us all.
It's being more empty then you've ever felt.
It's music played loudly and substances abused.
It's poor choices and poorer results.
It has more problems then fit in to a thirty minute slot.
Life doesn't get resolved at the end of the season.
Sometimes it breaks you.
Real life isn't a hero saving the day.
It doesn't get a clear antagonist.
The villain is the never ending eternal grind.
Real life is full of broken promises and lost dreams.
Full of half people and drifting hearts.
But every now and then, as it will
When the chaos adds up just so
and the events cascade in the right way
Real life is just like T.V.
Once in a moment
You find everything you need.
Because long after the reruns turn infomercial
Real life continues on.
It lasts forever but for us,
It's over in the blink of an eye.
But that's not scary.
Endings are ok.
Because if you have that someone.
You never have to fear closing your eyes.

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I say it in my head again.
Again.
Out loud.
But just above a whisper.
Repeat it again in the shower.
It gets  lost in the melody.
Mixing in the steam in the background.
Back to the head for shaving and teeth.
Master of using the mirror,
without ever quite looking at myself.
By now I'm remembering you again.
It comes and it goes.
Like a cough like a sneeze like a seizure.
Like a moth to a flame.
                                         Or a maybe an addict.
A bit louder because somewhere,
something lights across my synapses
A face, a laugh, a kiss, a memory.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Faster.
Both because I'm late.
And because I'm fearfully close.
Close to that razor fine edge of
put together and hot mess.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Keys and gone into the day.
I'll wander the streets.
Because I hope if I listen.
I will hear you too
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Inhale. Exhale.
I've lost something, but I'm not quite certain of what.
It's feels like when you reach for a wallet or a phone.
Knowing it's there only to find it's not.
There's a brief moment of lightning panic
as you completely blank on where you left them.
I live in that moment now.
Inhale. Exhale.
I know what I need is close, painfully so.
It's in the space between heart beats.
In the lines connecting my memories.
The dust in my dying mind.
Inhale. Exhale.
It had a name I know.
A name that somehow felt like home.
Like it was written in every cell and every bone.
Yet not at all especially special from the others.
Inhale. Exhale.
I breathe and I breathe.
And slowly ever so slowly.
I feel the thrum and vibrations
I feel the noise and chaos
I feel the endless connected expanse.
Inhale. Exhale.
Everything me rushes away like a wayward wave.
I see the rubik pieces of a life in front of me.
I see the mistakes and the losses.
I see too the victories and the happiness.
Inhale. Exhale.
As ever reality comes rising, looming.
But I see the worries and the fears.
I seem them and know their weight.
Like an old pair of jeans or shoes.
Fitting just to you and so familiar.
Inhale. Exhale.
But this is ok.
Because I remember as you always do.
Where we left the most important things to us.
I know her name as I always would.
Who could forget a part of their soul?
Inhale. Exhale.

Are there any heavier words than home or heart?
Is there anything more difficult than being so, so sure
about one very specific thing?
Even when every one is telling you otherwise.
But there's your heart
And then there's life.
It's always there clawing at the windows in my head.
Life by the shoe strings or life by the nail marks.
It branches and twists and turns.
Every path visible and not at the same time.
Futures yours and not.
This life and that one and that one.
All on your shoulders, all weighing you down.
I mean I still ride the cart in the grocery parking lot.
Back to my car in the dark with the stupidest grin on.
Yet I must figure my entirety right now.
So I choose this path and that one.
Take this step and that jump.
And suddenly I'm in a place  I don't know.
Things have happened I barely understand.
I am someone that I don't know.
And the more I look the more I'm sure.
Every path left to me is absent the same you.
The same you that showed me what a smile really was.
Everyone has that one moment where they finally see it.
That one smile in all the books and movies and songs.
The one meant for you.
Knowing all that I now know
Seeing all the futures here and not
Where in all of whats left is your smile?
Or is this yet another insufferable lessons?
Realizing some smiles aren't meant for you after all.
It just sure really feels that way.
and then finally understanding
There is absolutely no way to tell the difference.

I've had the exact same waking dream since eighteen.
It's the one where we're all stuck in jobs we hate
Watching life grow shorter seconds at a time.
Sold on the idea of tomorrow
Of the faith in hope and simple love.
Then there was you.
And now you're not.
Now you're a hangover I can't sleep off.
But I'll try and smoke until I can't see your face
I'm going to drink you right out of my veins.
I'm going to forget what life even tasted like
and rip you out of every cell I have left.
Because I'm down and so far out.
The problem with running away from everything
is that one day...you stop.
You look around and not a **** thing makes sense.
I haven't had a real conversation since we spoke.
I haven't seen a color the same way since you said bye.
I'm just existing.
I haven't met a bottle I didn't escape to
Or a night that I wasn't dragged through.
or a bed that I didn't crawl in.
Even if someone not you was in it.
I've found the easiest way to burden a soul is with regret,
but the quickest way to **** one...
Is with love.

Hey...
It's such a little big word.
Its also for some reason what comes out of my mouth,
Before any other combination of words in the known world.
You look like you deserve more than that.
Yet, here I am, mouth probably too far open
Staring at you for what I imagine is too long
Creating a moment in time I'll probably obsess over forever.
I'm clearly awful at hello's and new beginnings.
I'm even worse at saying goodbye.
Which is what I'm always worried I'll hear first.
How do you explain yourself to someone else?
Someone somewhere set all these unspoken rules,
I've never been able to figure it out.
But you have kind eyes and it makes me want to try.
There is something ephemeral about the whole process.
It's such a weird weird ritual that keeps the world spinning.
Hey...I'm a person and so are you.
Here are all these things that make me...me.
But that's not what I say. Not what anyone says.
We say hey.
I can't tell you how I'm both confident and anxious all at once.
How you look beautiful, but you could very well destroy me.
I can't say how I stay up forever and relive my life in moments.
I can't say how I'm a narcissist who doesn't believe in himself.
I can't say in all my time on Earth, **** is still the strongest word I know.
Or how I swear something other than your body attracted me to you.
It isn't something I know, but I sure want to.
I can't say I have a soul that cares about people more than it should.
Or that I could care about you, if you wanted me to.
I can't say how it took the kind of courage normally found in soldiers
Just to walk the twenty feet to where you're standing.
But here I am and there you are.
Drink in hand and a smile that could stop a heart.
With the moments before and after I speaking lasting an eternity.
I swear the world starts spinning again when you reply...
Hey.

What exactly is the sound of a heart breaking?
Is it the careless mention of a name in casual conversation?
Is it the way little moments of agony interweave in to the day?
Moments that really only last a few sudden seconds
but feel like little pin ****** in a soul.
Is it the way a smile will never quite reach the eyes again?
Is it the way seeing a couple laugh and embrace
only further illuminates the loneliness carried inside.
Or is it the sweet sound of someone's first kiss
That makes a chest tighten and a pulse race.
Because sometimes love witnessed is love remembered.
And sometimes remembering is too much.
What is the sound of a heart trying to feel again?
Is it the desperate craving for the softest touch?
Or rapid hot electric rush when deep inside someone?
Is it embracing the pain each and every night?
Waiting for the day where the numbness wins out.
Is it burning the mind with every single sad melody made?
Like a poisoned man searching frantically for a cure.
Or is it the slow realization this is never really over.
It never really goes away.
Hiding all this hurt just gets a little easier.
Until it just doesn't get mentioned.
Just a dark corner in a darker heart.
The emptiness just becomes a little less...empty.
The days become lighter and longer.
The nights not quite as crushing and ceaseless.
Almost like it never even happened at all.
Then the cracks give way and scar over.
What then, is the sound of a heart falling in love?
Is it letting the color seep back in to the world?
Is it the slow deep breaths shared in the night?
Or the feeling thrumming in every cell of the skin?
Is it the crash of a kiss?
The pressure of arms around arms?
Or is it the miracle of everything being new again?
The sound of a heart breaking is simple.
It's the sound of a heart learning to live again.