I started to write the words to
another poem about pain that
kept me on edge of life.
But none would flow the way I wanted
I felt my words were to repetitive
of those I've written before.
To similar to those that cover the pages
of not books and journals...
Somehow the words ran out today.
Soul searching is in order...
Maybe I don't want to write just pained poetry
Maybe I want to write poems that inspire
that mean something to someone but me.
Reinvention, inventing, and searching.
It's time to start searching.

the darkness covers my lungs and it feels like Im drowning
I gasp for air in hopes to breath in light.
I’m desperate.
I scream silently and I’m waiting for something... anything
The answers I seek are only met with my questions.
And now I’ve lost all sense of direction
and I don’t know if  I’m sinking or floating.
I know for certain I’m not swimming
For I can’t will myself to move.
I gasp needing to feel light help me gain back
what the bitter sweet dark has taken away.

I use to beg for morning light to take away this blackness
but oh no. It’s not that simple.
Now the light only brings out the sewing kit
I take the red thread and sew my smile on
right in the place I know it belongs.
I wish I had thicker string because this one breaks to easy.
I pull my hair back and slip my clothes on
and I walk the world as if I have nothing to hide.
Nothing that haunts me in some late hours of the night.

I pretend that I am as innocent as I look.
Oh sweet Sun you are just my puppeteer
until the night comes
and plays a different tune for me to dance too.
Why  do I give so much control of my bandaged and duct tape pieces of myself.

For the love of what ever is making this world keep spinning.
I’m tired of this helplessness.
I hate gulping down shots of light
like an addict needing my fix or a pick me up to get me through another day
But sadly the light is not my addiction.
The dark is
that swallows me up with it forged promises
and authentic pain that blankets me.

I am tired of fighting so tied of it.
If some didn’t grasp my hand
right before I let myself go.
I would have drowned in the misery of this
the water red and salty.
I beg for them not to let go as they pull me up
and nearly get pulled down with me.


Please cut my strings I beg
I don’t want to be the puppet of the pain anymore
Please.
You can only cut the bonds you’ve made sweetie

I Open my eyes as I slice though the first thick cords attached to me
and for the first time in a long time
I see the me I want to be
and I see the light hidden there.

Being around you makes
      my stomach turn in the worst ways.
          To the point where I wish you would go.
                      In reality I wish I could go...Not you
                           Even though I know you are hard to handle.
                                    I love you... and I wish I didn't sometimes.
                                        I've given up on you... You are good in ways
                                                             but right now my heart is to bruised
                                                                             to think of even forgiving you.
                                                                 I'm sorry...

Haze covers her eyes.
Masks her from seeing anything that is too bright.
Weight pilled on her chest, so much that she is barely breathing.
Barely moving..
She wishes to scream but the pressures to much
and no one would hear her anyway.
She feels like she's drowning...
and although she knows how to swim
the water has the upper hand...
Even though she's barely living
and there are hundreds of people around... no one seems to see
and she likes it better that way.
If no one knows they won't treat her like a freak
if no one knows she has the upper hand
As long as no one knows she's free to pretend.
She's not okay, but she hasn't stopped breathing yet.

When you're in the room my muscles tense.
Not out of stress, but out of the sickening feeling I get
when you are near.
I hate when you put your arms around me...
Like we are close... Like I'm your favorite....
I'm not deceived by you.
You are the one who taught me to be so good at pretending.
Who told me lying was wrong...but didn't prove it so i guess
the deception is a two way street now.
Maybe thats why I'm so good at hiding now.
I know you love her more... She's more like you....
I'm more like her.
I'm grateful for that.
Maybe you didn't realize how your words cut my insides up..
Maybe you didn't know how much your actions made me decompose.
Forcing me to morph into something that is so unbeautifully broken.
Maybe you didn't know... Maybe I should let go...
Maybe you didn't see... After all we are both so good at deceiving...
I love you none the less....
But sometimes I wish I didn't...

Mirror,
in front of me
tell me something that I don't know.
Anything, anything at all will do at this point.
Mirror,
show me something that I can't see
with my own naive and sheltered eyes.
That I search for, that I'm searching for so desperately.
I know you can't answer me.
Your lips can only form the words that my lips do
and you can only give me
the same desperate and paining look
I'm giving you right now.

I've been told I'm my own worst enemy
and maybe that's what I came here to resolve.
I've learned that every high and low expectation
that I have set for myself
can only be achieved by me
and I'm the only one stepping on my own coat tail.

I may claim to be broken winged
but the truth is my wings aren't broken,
I'm just to afraid to use them.
But I think it might be time
that I untether myself
and untie the knots that I have tied so tightly
around me,
and I set my self free.

Echoing around in my head
Please be quiet
don't talk so loud.
Theres to many thought.
I can't hear you when you all come at once...
Echoing in my head.
Please just shut up.