Down by the riverside
Where the reeds lean with the current
Along empty bridlepaths through fields ready for harvest
Past the deserted church and into the orchard
Beyond the ancient oak and through the hedgerows
Is the green and most fair Essex

Great estuary
You refresh me with your eternal
Ebb and flow

Your surface
Undulates
Glittering serenely
In the summer sun

I enter you fatigued, dusty, worn
And then
Your salty body
Washes mine
Embracing me
Like a long lost lover

Your mixed currents
Warm and cool me
And I emerge
As if reborn
Hot blood blazing
Through my cooled veins

Seagulls bob quietly upon your surface
They rest and relax
As the moon pulls you in
And lets you go

Pulls you in
And lets you go

Like a great grandfather clock
Your pendulum swings
Beating time with your rhythm of tides

I will grow old
Gazing upon you
In awe of your constancy
Ever enchanted by
Your restorative power

You are the one who can win
You have to succeed
You have to breakthrough
Stand proudly at the edifice
And scream at the world

'I am here to make a difference!
All the things that I abhor
I will transcend
I will live and laugh and love
I will break through the confines of my small self
It is only I who can make the changes
I will not wait for others to make it happen for me'

Most noble life
Filled with challenge and opportunity
How you have battled

But now you must fill your bones
With the spirit of Josei Toda
You must fight with every ounce of strength
You must muster the strength of a million men
And push forward never thinking of defeat
Only thinking of eternal victory

This day
Represents
A tiny droplet
In the eternal
Sea
Of time

One life
Encapsulated
In one body
Glows
And pulses
Expressing itself
In myriad ways

A bright light
Dazzling to the eye
Glittering
Sparkling
And then
Gone

Extinguished
Disappeared
Back
Into the sea
Of Eternity

Resting
Waiting
To re-emerge
And glow
Once again

Every spliff
Is another step
Towards
Madness
And another step
Away from
Reality

Everything begins from now

The black crow that swoops low
Over the lush green field

The hanging fronds of a willow tree
Brushing the earth

The white crested nose of a great horse
Nodding as I pass

The hazy heat of a summer morning
Dizzying to the eyes

The rattle of a train
Cutting through August’s balmy air

The moist coolness
Of the forest floor

All begin from now

All things
Each built upon another
Are dependent
Interdependent
Growing
From moment to moment

Sometimes pioneers
Stand alone
And die

Other times
They stand to start a new movement
Gathering hundreds and thousands of followers to their side

Everything begins with one in the now

The old build the new
Moment by moment

Their ageing bodies
Bringing forth new life
All in the moment
All in the now

Everything matters
It all matters
Nothing is irrelevant
Nothing insignificant
Everything counts
Even the slightest movement
Or gesture
Changes the present
And creates the future

The slightest doubt
The quietest and tiniest of thoughts
The briefest of smiles
The blink of an eye
A card that is sent
The nod of a head
A sigh
A frown
They all count
Everything matters
It all matters

Excuse me,
Did I miss something?
Did I make a mistake?

Am I on the wrong path?
Did I take a wrong turning?

Have I got this all…

Wrong?

Is there another route?
A path parallel to this one?

One on which I can glide effortlessly?
One on which I am meant to be?

If there is, when did I go wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
How did I end up getting so… lost?

Didn’t I plan to be happy and successful?
Wasn’t I meant to live adventurously?

Throw myself in and get the most out of?
Wasn’t I?

I will count down to
The beginning

I will transform myself
And rise from my pupation

More beautiful than ever

Nothing can stop me
As I endure the experience of change

I will cast aside what is no longer needed
To reveal my true self

I will fear nothing
I will state my case with confidence and clarity

I will see everything so differently
Just wait and see

I have so many feelings
But the one that holds me now
Is exhaustion

So I must rest
And let sleep restore me
So that I can emerge
Into a new day
And experience
It’s many treasures

I expected nothing
And from that I gained something
You expected everything
You did not get what you wanted

They expected nothing
And somehow they gained their freedom
Others expected everything
The people disappointed them

They changed their expectations
And re-inforced their disappointment
The people lived in reality
And created a community

Leaders expected something
They became disappointed
The people lived true
The people lived true

Sometimes I hide away
To dwell on the world
Within myself

But a solitary existence
Will not sustain me
For I cannot halt
The rush of time

The disappearing minutes, hours and days
Lost in contemplation
Of an unknown future

Meetings with kindred spirits
Represent the best of times
They are the fabric of fond memories
The foundation of spiritual growth

And so I must reach out further
To connect with others

To find things
That I like about myself
And build on them
Steadily

To develop
My confidence
My kindness
My wisdom

Before time
In this brief lifetime
Runs out

When you realise
That you are afraid
And have been
For years

You begin to know yourself

When you understand
That your behaviours
Have been played out
As mere distractions

You begin to grow

When you face your fears
Head on
With the acceptance
That you are human
And the realisation
That you are not superhuman
Solutions
Will emerge

Incredibly

And you will
Advance
Towards
Happiness

Faith
Is like
A chair...

Strong when there are four legs
Dangerous when a leg is missing

My faith
Is my belief
And
My disbelief

The challenge is
To change the belief
And the disbelief

I am running
On faith

Everything
I thought I had
Is gone

Everything
I thought I was
Has changed

And I am an outline
Of the man
I was

I have been
Emptied
Into time

I am
Now

Full of nothing
But

Faith

Do not be downhearted
Though fine weather
May not delight you

Do not be downhearted
Though the daily news
Seems too desperate to comprehend

Do not be downhearted
Though the scale of global challenges
Seem just too global

You
Just as you are
Can make a difference

If you believe
You can

You want me to fail?
You want me to depart?
You think I am useless?
You think I am worthless?
You think you are better than me?
You judge me?
You want me to die?

Are you my down fall?

Am I yours?

What will you do when I am gone?
Will you want me back?

I will hold on
Until it is time
To let go
And fall

I am discovering
That my history
Does not sit comfortably

I wonder
Why good things
Don’t always prevail

I search
I travel

This way
That way

Gathering morsels
Of information

To try to weave a crown
For my own head

I am working
Always working
Reaching out
For meaning

And yet I am restless
Anxious

Unhappy with
My partially formed thoughts

Worried that my crown
Will be false

What is it about a human
That makes them great?

Living with the past?
Living with oneself?

Learning to live with others?

My family is the soil from which I grow
And the earth to which I will return

It’s time to be unafraid of conflict
To be honest and true
To state that you just don’t like
What has been said and done

It's a bitter pill
To feel oneself drifting away
From those one should be close to

Why is it
That every time we meet
The emotional furnaces of the past
Bubble up and blast?

Although I try to find the words
To explain the hurt I feel
I end up tying myself in knots
And falling deeper
Into this hole

Justice should be easy to declare
Fairness easy to explain
But when it comes
To family ties
It is a minefield or so it seems

You have dug your heels in
And you are staying put

I’m trying to move forward
And I want you to come with me

But you won’t
So, I have to go it alone

Perhaps we will meet again
But perhaps we will not

We shared some time
On earth together

Yet who knows what will happen
To anyone of us in the future?

So all I can do
Is bid you Farewell

It is the last day of 2020
A time to say goodbye
To a year of troubles

We have learned
Who we are collectively
And what we must do
For the sake of our children
For the sake of each other
And for the sake of the planet

For what we have lost
We grieve
And for what we have learned
We are grateful

How could you take my life
When we drink from the same river?
How could you hurt me
When we eat at the same table?
Why plot against my kinsfolk
When we are born of one nature?
Why deny my offspring food
While yours grow obese?
Why must we sleep rough
While hotels sit empty?
Why is your body of a different class
When the carbon that makes me is identical to yours?

We are from the same mould
Eternally connected
Our minds may be different
Our bodies from one soil

The ease with which you point the finger
The speed that you apportion blame
The bubbling groan beneath your lid
Sentinel of poisoned veins

The furnace crackling beneath the ***
The trembling of an iron lid
The hissing of the noxious gas
The pallor of the body’s skin

The line you walk is steep and narrow
With tumbling crevasses either side
The pack you bear is sharp and heavy
The chance of falling ever high

The dreamers dream of transformation
The torrid churning lavas cease,
Pure freshwater streams will flow ahead
To quash the hate and bring the peace

Why do demons
Wake me at dawn
And keep me
From resting my muddled head?

Is it fear of dying
That wakes me from slumber
And shakes my heart
Like a broken whisk

Dying will not be so bad
I think
Not so frightening
After all

Throughout my days
I dream
That life should be better

Though I wake exhausted
From the turmoil of my worries
Reality is never worse than the fear

On this day
May 3rd 2016
I will stand stronger than ever

I will not capitulate
To obstacles that are placed in front of me

I will no longer endure
Insidious patterns of abuse
That I have accepted in my life

Instead I will listen
To the inner voice of justice
The voice that champions
The human rights of all people

I will not accept the petty taunts
And stealthy disregard of peoples
No matter what or where their background

I will be a person who is part
Of a movement of change

I will not be afraid of fear
I will hold it close
Recognising that within fear
Lies the possibility of change

I will bring
Repressed feelings to light
And oxygenate the infections
That are buried deep.

I will not fear
The shouting voices of blame

I will be the person
I was meant to be

From this day
I accept responsibility
And will take
One courageous step
After another

I will not be afraid of heights
Any more

A heavy pyrexial over coat
Hunches my shoulders

A tight coil
Compresses my forehead

And my mind stutters
Incapable of making
The simplest of decisions.

I slip unnoticed
From being well
To unwell.

The descent is fast and certain

Recovery will be slow

And so
Is the pattern
Of being.

All I yearn for
Is deep refreshing sleep.
I would I could drift
Into oceans of it
Only to return to
A brighter shore

An island bedecked
With glistening fruits
And lush futures.

Instead, the train timetable
Awaits me

And I will iron my shirt
Before bed.

I always cry
When I run a fever
Needing to become childlike
Vulnerable

I reach out
For feminine energy
To comfort me
And help me recover

Fight, with all your might!
Fight, through faith.

Everything will be OK

Live long, proud and strong

Never compromise your integrity
Salute your own life
Salute others

Strive bravely to win
Do not fear your own darkness
Sit with it
Make it sing

Be happy!
And prove to the world you are.

Fires are burning
Ice is melting
Sea levels are rising
People are dying

But still
Around the world
Men are fighting
For power

Power!

Power?

Why?

What do they wish
To behold?
Their name in history?
As leaders
Who carried their people
To oblivion?

Is it for fame?
Fortune?
Recognition?
Love?
Immortality?

Fires are burning
Ice is melting
Sea levels are rising
People are dying

And still these men

Fight
For power

I watch the fire
Performing
A jaggedy dance
In the black night
The wildness of its transformation
Commands my attention
As dry wood rapidly degrades
Into ashes and embers

Such pure smiles
Such enthusiasm
Such independence

So smart
So prepared
So organised
So sweet
And lovely

My daughter
You enter
A whole
New world

May your true spirit
Shine strongly
And your light
Burn brightly

May you glide
Into a world
Of joyful learning

May you thrive

And suddenly
It becomes Autumn

Great grey and white clouds
Layer above dense greenery
Succulent evidence
Of summer passed.

Swirling breezes
Conduct dances
Of first fallen leaves
Coats and scarves
Make their first appearance

Currents of moisture
Seep through bodies
Re-awakening memories
And the world moves towards
Drawing in on itself

Nature is accepting of its rhythm
Yet my heart resists it
Wondering of the blackness
Surrounding humanity

Summer is over
And the world knows it to be so

We are with Autumn once more
And our tired eyes must awaken
To see our new truth

First frost
Clings to tufts of winter green grass.
I am running
Running to feel
Something else.
I awoke sweating at 2.30am
On this Sunday morning
My mind in over driven panic
Just because
I have to face my future
My mind groans
Will I be this way for ever?
Will I ever break through?
I coax myself back towards the respite of sleep
And then I wake, knowing I cannot lie alone with my thoughts
They are not my friends.
So I get up
Wash up
Go running.
I meet people
Collect my daughter
Run errands
All, to stop the waterfall of my fear
As night time once more, draws near
And another week looms.
I occupy myself
Once again with things to stem
The tide of my subtext.
First frost
And a bird sings
So beautifully.

Frost has arrived
To coat everything

Frost that clings
To beautify
Ugly traffic cones
And shimmer the pavements

Autumn colours
Glorify the trees
Brown, gold
Copper, orange

Earth stands frozen,
Firm, clean

Your soft and tender voice
Has tipped me over

The emotions that I have held
Under my skin
Mist my eyes
And moisten
My cheeks

You share your heart in song
And move me from my place
I, your father, watch from the crowd
As you have become a flower
More beautiful than I could dream of

Precious, tender and sweet
Filled with greater courage
Than I could ever muster
You sing for the first time

What comes to me
Becomes part of me

What leaves me
Becomes part of my history

What shapes me
Surrounds me

As I shape
That which  surrounds me

Moon
Five times have you greeted me
On this day

Though all around me changes
You remain constant

First
Set amongst the black of pre dawn
You illuminate my street
Crisp, round, dominant
The streetlamps weakly copy your splendour
With their modern white lights

Second
I Ieave my house
The skies have awakened
No longer the black
Now a pale blue
Mixed with oranges and mauve

You, moon begin a slow surrender
To this new backdrop
As if pastilles had sketched you
And you seem resigned
To melt into the day

Third
Higher you stand
And the palette pure blue
And there you are still
Present yet receding
More distant
Standing softly in the morning sky
As if to say

'Farewell my night
I will remain here forever
Watching the world
Hidden and waiting
For your return'

Fourth
You dissolve your perfect roundness
Miracle ball of rock
And disappear from view

Always there
Pulling my imagination
As you become
Nothing but a wisp among the clouds
Swallowed like death
By the day

I work
I do what I can
I return home
Exhausted

Fifth

Evening

You stand watching me
In the fresh darkness
Brighter than ever
Half way through your daily revolution

And the stars are with you now
Just as they always are
And I am another half revolution

Closer to
The end

Images and words
Are re-ordered
In ever cleverer circles
In the maelstrom
Of modernity
Distracting the brilliance
Of young minds

I release myself
From the mundanities
Of daily life
And ponder
The questions of a youth


Nations are destined
To rise and fall
Just as the buttocks
Of ardent lovers
Grind against each other
Flesh towards flesh
Advance retreat
In and out of freedom
To annihilate
The painful consciousness
Of our singular existence

I find
The minds of men
Incomprehensible

In the end
There is no destination
No everlasting physical

Only
Spiritual

Birth
Ageing
Sickness
Death

Four
Three
Two
One

NNnnnnnnnnn
Aaaaaahhhhhh
Sssssssssssssss

Launch
With a roar of engines
Pick up speed
Faster
Faster
Faster

Will I lift?
Can I lift?

Push faster
Time is running out
The runway is shortening
Wheels are spinning

Air is rushing
Against my wings
Which resist
Resist
Resist
Until

I am airborne
Flying

Free in three dimensions
Held by the air

Surrounded by it
Ungrounded

Loose
Liberated

Disappeared

You spray colour the sky
Diving east then west
Riffing with each other
Turning your wings in rhythm

A leader emerges and all follow
Gliding this way then that
And then another leads
And another

Black, grey, white and clear
Your shades change before my eyes
Your form evolves
From oval to round
Stretching and expanding
Like a beating heart

Community of birds
You are as one
Decorating the heavens
With spirals of flight

I cannot deny
I am frightened

Fearful of things
That I don’t yet know

Things that I feel
I cannot change

I wonder if the path
I have set for myself
Is the correct one

Or if I can find
Meaning in the choices
I am making

Why is this road
Such a long one?

Why must I wait
For happiness to arrive?

I want to let go
Of all that is surplus

And hold close
That which is needed

It is certain
That I must advance
If I am to send forth
The flowers of my life

The taste of this meal
Delivers me two decades back in time

I’m in that room again
Dining with those people

A wild youth

Care free

Uncaring

I suddenly remember
This twenty-five-year-old boy
Longing to escape the world
He found himself within

And I feel it -
The yearning
The surging tide of unfulfilled dreams
Bursting within my chest

The longing
To live
A life
Of fiery substance

And I can smell it
Once again
In this smoky, cool, autumn air

As the yearning rises up
Urging me
To rip myself out
From where I am

You are our friend
You have grown ill
And are facing the end
We are sending personal prayers
Hoping to ease your pain

You are our friend
And we are all thinking of you
We are sharing our pictures of you
From times gone by
That make us smile

You are our friend
Illness and death
Will come to us all one day
And we realise
How important it is
That we have
Friends

There are queues at the shops at 8am
A long line of shopping trolleys
Queue up round the building
Shelves will be emptied
Of essential supplies
As people fear
That they will go hungry

There is a strange sense of foreboding
Afloat in the air
Business is not
'As usual'
People feel pressure to do something, to act
People are facing their own mortality

What can we do to calm things down?
What can we do to navigate this storm?
Will a larder full of food keep people safe?
What should we do?
What should we do?

Let go
Let go of the grip
Let go of the hold
Let go of the future
And live

Live
Now
In this moment
Wholly
Fully
Naturally

Tomorrow
Never comes

And yesterday
Only lasts one day

But now
IS
Forever

It feels
Like this
Will go on
For ever
And ever

But
It can’t

Underneath it all
The currents of time
Are churning

And change
Is coming

I choose to forget
That which I cannot
Remember

Joy is to be found
In seeing young people
Working together
Laughing
Discovering their identities
Creating memories

Those of us
Who are adults
Can support the young
On their voyage
Of learning

We owe
A brilliant future
To our young

The future
Should be built
For them