I didn’t want her to leave, but she had to
It ripped me to shreds
That last hug, I wanted to stay there forever
When I closed the car door,
I couldn’t help but to think,
The women that raised me is leaving.
I sat on that porch bawling as I watched her drive away.
“This is for her own good.”
I tell myself
But she doesn’t know that I am broken

It’s almost been a week.
But the pain is still there.
I put on a face for the others to bare,
But when I’m alone,
I cry
I bang my head against the walls.
I feel even more broken now.

Every night I crawl up in bed
Puffy eyes,
Tears falling,
Thoughts coming and going.
But the one though that never goes away.
“What if she never comes back”
“What if she jusfleaves and gets a divorce”
“Am I the problem”
“Am I why she left”
I’m just falling apart.
That part being happy
Productive

Why do I torture myself with this pain,
Carrying the burden that I hate.
Why, Why, Why, Why?
Just to know that he ain’t there.
I can’t feel his touch,
I can’t feel his love.
But why do I feel this way?
I do not know.
Why did I ever love him?
Why did I ever be with him?
He was a mistake.
Living now with this pain.
Living now while knowing he never cared
My heart was whole, but now it’s shattered.
I gave him my heart when he threw it in the trash.
Everyone warned me
I should have listened.
I never knew how much trouble I could get in
But he opened my eyes
Why, Why, Why, Why

Why do I sit here and cry
When I don’t know why
I sit and shake in fear
But I know that it’s near
I sit alone
Alone
Cold as my heart
Hearts break
But from who?
The one I loved the most
The one that told me I was worth it
The one who gave me the world
I cried last night
Screaming into the phone.
Yelling at the one who loves me
But why?
He broke me
Why?

He is my light
Oh sorry
Was my light
The light that guided me in my darkest moments
Ever since he died
I have been veering off away from my path
Veering away from loved ones
Changing my self to cope with pain
Veering away from friends
Locking my door
Not drinking or eating
Hoping those nights
Were my last
Sulking in my bed alone
While my fears surround me
Ignoring the pain
But when I cry
It all comes out
The memories come flushing in
Like hurricane Katrina
But faster and more violent
Since Richard is gone,
I am all alone

He used me
Making me think he loved me
Make me think that I loved him.
He railed me in with his words,
Building my trust.
I shouldn’t have done it,
I shouldn’t have said yes.
I should have known to him in just an object to look at,
Bringing my self confidence more down then it already is.
He used me for “makeup material”.
He just looks at me like my body is just something you buy.
But when he told me I was “beautiful”,
I knew it was fake.
I could see the white lies he was telling me.
Saying “oh but I really do love you”
That wasn’t like him.
I should’ve known that he was telling my white lies,
Telling me stuff I want to hear
Telling me pretty little lies.
Like a thieving serpent.
Comes quietly and bites giving you venom.
The venom of fake love.
When he texted me telling me what happened,
I cut all my hopes and dreams away.
He told me “Don’t cut of me im not worth it”
But to me he was my everything.
I helped him off the ground when his spine was acting up.
I held him when he was scared.
I set him on the couch making sure he was okay.
But in the end he was just using me.

“Tell me”
Everyone thinks that ill talk when im sad,
But thats not the case.
I wanna be alone.
At the time I need to be alone.
I would just like for people to stop saying,
“Tell me”
“Explain”
“Why?”
“Why did you do it?”
I just need the world to stop,
Make all my worrying fade,
Make all my insecurities denigrate
Make all my problem go away.

Being left is my only scare,
Being alone never bothered me
Being cold makes me happy
Being held makes me worry
All the things can turn me into a monster
Worrying,
Makes me feel like a burden.
Happiness,
Makes me feel alone.
Being alone,
Makes me feel cold.
Being Cold,
Makes me happy.
And everything comes to a full circle.
But not just any circle,
A circle of emotions,
A circle of doubt,
A circle of envy,
A circle of life.