You can't escape this
There's no avoiding the truth
Maybe not today
And probably not tomorrow
But you'll be exposed in time
And it'll haunt you for the rest of your life

You left me by the midnight storm
By the collection
Of burned hearts
Under woven caskets
Where banquet maps
Aligned the beauty
Within the lighting
So dim
Lying between the shadowed
Sun where walls under our lungs
Remind me of silence
I only remember the agony
The ignorance of boxed warmth
And the lust of forgiving
Like the never ending winter
And feathered snow
Shedding like the lint left beside
Fallen autumn
I sleep, quietly, soundly
Under a lit match
The tawny desire
The rivers have flooded
The walls have curved cracks
Of winded mud
Mortifying humor
I can't seem to look past
The shadowed curtains you've
Manage to imprison me under
I've learned to love
The silhouette mass
Singing along with the tunes
Of metaphors
That dance through the blood stream
You've over flowed
I remember calm
And fear of silence
I remember what I wish I could forget
Yet the scintillating muse
Has left me
Always gasping, salty
I kept hoping this was the last
Notebook, the last page
Before a new chapter unraveled
The endless horror
Of eyelids filled with
Respired tears
The skies are open
And waiting for the RSVP invitation
I've climbed to the top of the tree
We've kissed under
And fall
Just to feel your silence
Once again

I lived
a life filled with futility,
where each day faded
into another.

I live
a life filled with moments,
each one humbling me
into sanity.

I will live
a life when I reach out to
others still fading
into oblivion.

I was your cure
but you were my disease
I was saving you
but you were killing me

vengeance is the force
that will push you past your limits
teach you more
than you can understand
causing emotions that you
don't have the strength to overcome
I finally understand why it's necessary
to reap what you sow
because otherwise you won't comprehend
the impact of your actions
and the depth of the pain you inflict
that you insist on doing again and again
How could you ever know
the strength of my heart and legs
until you take that walk.....

I fell in love with you all over again in a hospital waiting room

I fell in love with the deep purple under your eyes
like delicate bruising

I fell in love with the paleness of your lips
from lack of nutrients

I fell in love with the way you moved slowly
and achingly wrapped in a white blanket the color of your skin

I fell in love with the deep crimson of your blood
as it ran through your IV

I fell in love with you again as I laid with you in the hospital bed at 3 am

we’d been there for 10 hours
and you had a little too much morphine in your system
and a lack of sleep
when you pulled me close and said

“I could really see myself marrying you some day”

and that was right before you kissed me with your dye stained lips
so they could see your insides better on the x-ray

I fell in love with you again when you looked at me with your
big hazel eyes that turn black around the edges

You said god had sent me from heaven
An angel to watch over you

I'm not too sure about that but what I do know is:

I Do

We always said we didn’t know what we would do without each other
But we did know

We’d only known each other for two years

I wasn’t there when your parents split up and each remarried
or when you had to get stitches on your face
or watched your first scary movie

And you weren’t there when I smoked my first cigarette
or tried to **** myself when I was 13
or when I won that soccer game my freshman year

The last time we had *** we were in a rush
because we had school in 37 minutes
and so we made it sloppy and fast in your shower
and then we drove to school together with wet hair and we laughed

The last time we had *** I got pregnant

This wasn’t one of those scares where you’re two weeks late
so you buy a few cheap tests and it’s negative
so you stash the rest in the back of your drawer and forget about it

I got pregnant on the first day of June and I never told you

I miscarried on the last day of August
and you never even knew how close you came to being a father

We stopped talking and I couldn’t even tell you
how I was stunned into silence when I realized I was going to be a mother and then knew I had to keep it a secret

Knew I had to keep our dark haired future to myself

So here it is the end of February

I should have been having the baby this week or next
and you NEVER EVEN KNEW

I watch you say how much you love this little 15 year old girl
you’ve been dating for six months

I miscarried the day you started dating so tell me that was just a

coincidence

But don't you dare ever tell me you don't know what you'd do without me
Well, I guess you wouldn't anymore

Seeing as how you don't want me

Once you told me “I’m going to write you a poem”
I took your jawline in my fingers and held your eyes in mine and said
“Don’t ever”

only it came out a little strangled and raspy
like the voice cracking on a freckle faced pubescent boy

You didn’t heed my warning
and a week and a half later I got three pages of
star signs and
rose petals and
wishing wells and
my eyes compared to 24 other things

And three months later you started to look like
a wilting ivy
a dehydrated leaf
a floating corpse

and I still blame it on poetry
and the way it eats at your soul
and rips its way through the lines in your palms

it nails words into the gaps in your spine
and wraps itself so tightly inside you it contracts your muscles
until it controls you

until the letters desperately written are more like *****
just something forced out of you to let go of a little sickness

I could say
“I told you so”
if I was still 9 years old
and didn’t know how it felt to let a pen and 26 letters control you

I could say I told you so

but instead I am just buying my third cup of black coffee
and trying to find another pen

All I hope
Is that someone will get me
That someone will truly care about what I do and say
And I hope I will understand them
Truly love and care about them
Care about what they do and say
That they will accept me for me
And I'll accept them too
All I really want is one person to stay with me my whole life
If I could just have that
Maybe I wouldn't be so broken
Maybe I could even be fixed
Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid of love
Or so afraid of myself
And maybe I wouldn't be afraid of my future or my past
I've already had people give up on me
And I know why they did
One of them told me why
And I see why too
I was never comfortable in my own skin and my own mind
And I made them uncomfortable to the point where it was too much
I was suffocating myself and I was doing it to them too
So when they left
I was more alone and I was realizing more and more
Everything is what's wrong with me
Everything
I never had any validation so I got worse
I did too many of the wrong things without knowing
And I feel like I won't be accepted anywhere
I'm trying to fix myself, but I have no idea how to
How do I fix myself when everything's wrong?
How do I fix myself when every piece is either bent out of shape or broken?