Numb
My legs go numb
the thoughts invading my head
Stupid thoughts that I know are a figment of my imagination
I am starting to believe
the repetition tricking my body

I feel the exhaustion
the weight of my thoughts is crushing
I feel like Atlas, the weight of the world on his shoulder
Keeping it in when it's trying to get out.
Out of my eyes
out of my mouth
out of my pores, my nose, my ears

I feel like I'm going to *****
my voice gets small
my belief is growing in these lies I lay
I didn't think this before
I didn't feel this before

I know its stupid
I know I shouldn't believe it
but I do
and that's terrifying

Hearts take months too fix and minuets too break
Of course I’ll miss her soft warm lips, but how could you understand that even still she does not long for me
I just love for her I want for her mouth on my neck
But alas she turned me away
And from the girl who wouldn’t dare
How could you understand
That although my heart is broken
I cannot feel nor care

“I’m just so depressed” and that’s all I could tell him I wanted to tell him that I was fine that I’m not fully broken but I feel oh so nearly done I’m already so hollow my insides don’t feel the need to carry on my minds only okay when it’s gone and my eyes just can’t stop flooding I need to find a way to cope because I’ve never felt so alone and I know you’d do anything for me and I’m sorry that there’s nothing you can do I’m just done I’m so ******* sorry but I actually cannot keep it together anymore and I’m literally breaking with every moment I’m awake I feel the need to not bother because everything’s becoming more and more pointless every day and I’m not sure how much more I can take cause I’ve been falling apart for so long that I can’t remember how to feel complete anymore, I can’t remember what my life was before depression and I can’t remember a time I wasn’t bullied or abused, born a fighter and a light for others and I’m slowly genuinely feeling the flame disappear I can just feel myself loosing myself I don’t know me anymore it’s like I’ve just become someone I’m not in such a different way, I’m the same and more normal than I’ve ever been yet at the same time I’m so lost I just don’t know what to do about anything anymore I’m forgetting everything that made me me and it’s just slowly slipping through my grasp I ******* hate change and I feel myself changing every day it hurts cause I used to care and love everything now I hate mostly everything there is little I cherish and much I now despise and I hate it I hate how I hate and it’s becoming so hard to bear...

A thing people should know about my work: I can start a piece about one thing sounding one way and by the end of it you forgot what you were reading about because my words make you confused yet they make sense see I read my work and I know what I was thinking when I wrote it but other people just see a mess of a paragraph using words that don’t mesh together or things that shouldn’t be put together but to me they work, I could describe to you the way I see the sky, but you’d never see the same sky, my words will tug at heartstrings maybe a word or two will send you on your own set of emotions but every word meant something
And that’s what you need to know
I may dramatically show it
Using words I can barely spell and my fingers shaking I’ll type and I’ll make it sound worse than it is
But that’s how I see it
I spend hours watching rain, see it coming from miles away the clouds which fade from a bright white to a dark grey and I watch as they break
As they pour down upon the city’s and streets as the mountains pierce them they crumble and turn into rocks
But somehow city’s and mountains stand
Rain can’t wash the concrete and stone away
I haven’t
I’m from a town, no big city’s near, I live away from the mountains and next to the coast, so truth be told I’ve grown up watching the sea
In a town where everyone knows everyone and news can travel fast
When a person gets stabbed you know in the next 3 days
When a kid goes wrong it’s apparent to all the families that live around
But still
To me this place is a city

Titles make me weird
I mean how do you word what your words are trying to explain
It’s confusing see words just flow with me I don’t think I just write and type until I look at the screen and I stare and ponder I just let my hands write that which they choose  whenever my eyes red and full take in my soul when my body’s in harmony because I’m slightly too intoxicated but it’s fine, because it’s making me feel alive, listening too old acoustic songs that make you feel like your flying and that’s where I write, I write when I’m in the deepest cave at the bottom of the endless sea, where there is little oxygen or room to breathe, my soul will break through the rock and let me float away through and across where no human has gone before, that’s where I see my minds creations is where my heart belongs it’s where my soul breaths it’s my home eternal and true
But let it not be said that my perfect home no matter how old my soul seems to be, is with you with your arms around me,
They are my ultimate perfections,
You were
No are
The most important thing to me
And that’s where my heart truly beats
Where my soul can break
It’s final resting place
I’ll lay it all on you if you just once promise me forever and always
I will genuinely vow
Because if you genuinely feel that way I think I’d know
So I think in time we could
Because right now I love you more than words can describe

I wanna write but my words are empty
I can’t breathe without not wanting too
I can’t sleep knowing who you’re next to
I can’t eat because my stomach won’t let me
I can’t scream because my lungs refuse
I can’t stand the sound of my own heartbeat
Is this normality?
To shake at the thought of leaving my home
To hate the feeling in a crowded room
Even if it’s the people you love the most
I’m only comfortable when I’m alone
I’m just trying to get by
But when there’s nothing to keep you breathing
No glue to stop you breaking
No **** can make you high
No alcohol can make you forget,

Nothing but what you remembered from the fall through December back again to in mid spring then your mind went to somewhere in July when the sun was high and together you soared above every and anything that you both saw, took every chance made every mistake but you did it so gloriously you made it painlessly and you survived with them by your side but now it’s gone
And you both know it went on for so long
But the thought that somewhat it went wrong still it haunts your head so full of now grief and sorrow but for the person you lost so quickly and it felt like less than a year but a entire lifetime because some part of you refuses to let you believe it was real, the aftermath of it all keeps you realising it was real it was a living nightmare
when they left
you remember how suddenly your nights got cold and your days short, the weeks started feeling like months and 5 days in to the month you felt it had already dragged about 7 years, but you kept going even though you’d lost yet another light, not even that but two
I somehow managed
Alone
Broken
Scared

But alive
I am alive

How do I word this
There were complications
Not at the start
I felt it kick
I watched it grow
I bonded with something I’d never seen
And I cleaned up the mess
With bleach and scouring
I removed most of the blood
Off the now off coloured concrete
I watched out for the ambulance
Helped them through the door
I also was left alone at home
Not knowing how bad it was
Parts of me still don’t fully understand
But I’d never make any demand
That even my worst enemy would endure
The pain of a labour that defaulted
A life that was meaninglessly tore away
A last chance at indefinitely
But I still don’t know how too word it
But I’ll try
Rest in peace my little sibling
I didn’t even say goodbye
- too all the people that understand this I’m sorry x

I'll love myself even if that means breaking my own heart to fix it myself,  I will not let someone else put back the wounded pieces of my soul, I am not fragile but I am not steel I am human and I am real I have emotions, scars and wounds, I have a spirit a soul a brain, I am nothing to be given away, while what lies in others eyes is respect for themselves and not the earth on which they walk, I have done nothing but adore, adore every leaf as it turns from a glorious green into an amber red or seized the warm summer air  before the days of bitter cold rain, but yet I will endure every heartbroken moment and every single butterfly flutter I will alow my eyes to see city lights as beautiful and allow myself to stare at the stars in its almighty form I will whisper with the wind and scream with the waterfalls.
I will alow me to be me and nothing less of who I am ment to be

To think I called you family
To think you’re my brother
To think that now it’s were
To think how you destroyed her
To think that all your mates now think your fake
To think how much your mum protects your fate
To think how much longer this will drag
To think where you’ll be in 5 years time
To think about how it all went wrong
To think that we were destined from the start
To think that our parents done the same
Surely man like you’d think that was enough
Enough to stop the scale tipping
Enough to stop our lives becoming
Enough to keep us going on living
Enough to keep us away from the streets
Enough too keep us on our feet
Enough too keep us all clean
Enough too not destroy our dreams
Enough to keep us together till the end of things
Enough I guess it’s just a memory

Didn’t realise you were everything I was looking for
Didn’t know that it was you right from the start
Didn’t know someone could ever feel like home
Cause now I’m all alone
And it’s your body that I’m missing
It’s your lips that I’m craving
It’s your smile it’s illuminating
It’s your heart and it’s overwhelming
I’ll never need anymore
But when you show up at my door
Your all I’m living for
A future with you could repair my past
A lifetime with you and that’s all I ask
For me your perfect
My one true desire