I kind of miss how it was back then. I regret alot of things, but I wish I could go back in time and relive it all, even all the things I regret. Although I may be a bit slow and stupid at times, at least I was a sincere and good willed person. I may not have known how to express myself, but I always did feel genuine happiness being around others. However, now I'm not sure whether I can continue being a genuine person anymore. Although I'm so much more insightful now, along with that insight came more bitterness and resentment to weigh me down. I'm not sure if I have the strength to let the good side of me win in the end. Life really is a struggle. All the more so when you are the only one who can acknowledge your internal struggles. All the more so when you can acknowledge the choices you can make... but you may not have the strength that it takes to not give in to the bitterness and resentment that builds as you grow older. It's so easy to let yourself go, to let your conscience drown and sink into a bottomless, deep, dark pit where there's nothing but just anger, emptiness, remorse, self pity, an empty will to live. It's so easy....
Sometimes all my words are just another hidden form of calling out for help. It makes me feel so pathetic and weak willed, but there is not much else I can do without harming myself or the people around me.
I suppose somewhere within this tangled mess of a life, I just feel lost and dazed, and alone. I don't mean anyone else harm though; I never have and never will.
I kind of miss how it was back then.
Even though I may have been a bit slow and stupid at times, even if that had been apparent, couldn't you all have just accepted, maybe even loved, me for who I was, for the innocence, sincerity, kindness, and unconditional love I expressed?

architectural mollusks
    are falloping through
                              my brain
                        squeezing past the
                         instincts that
        have kept me down
My instincts,
              once brittle sea stars
                          that splintered
                                    into cracked
                                 peppercorns,
                 are now mixed with
           the breathy liquid
        of squid,
lubrication for
the spiny paths ahead
They blow their ink
between my
inverted vertebrae
      injecting Jello into bone
                           busting through
                        fiber and tissue like
                          fresh-skimmed
                    lavacream
and all my muck
rises to the top
in a neon rawness
that I find beautiful

Soon
my burning crevices
will be cooled
fossils will turn to flesh
and, as sure as knowledge
springs into action
I will make
for the shoreline
like a cephalopod rocket
silky smooth
my fins spun into wings
touching magic
as they glide

We come
We go
The pain we know
Of leaving the familiar
Faces
Places
Where traces of past life intention
Let us let go of false possession

Time is short
Do not resort to staying
For the slaying of our presence
Brings forth a new essence
Of progression
From past strife regression

I wish so hard I could split like knife
My body into miles of fragments
To serve the many that I love
Like a dole of doves
Raining peace from above
Now that is a future I see fitting
And so it will come

For when I am gone I will be but energy
The air you breath will cause our synergy
Where my hands fail now
They will touch your memory
And we do not forget

So let go
If this is true
Of what is not yours to take
For the universe will discover the way
Just as long as you surrender
And remember to say
I love you

How I feel the time tighten
The temporal noose tickles my throat
Swaying in the nothingness
I do so crave of late

How many hours in the day
Must I conjure the joker
Just in the nick
To salvage my neck
From fate herself?

Why wait for the sand to drop?
When grains of pure ambrosia
Are clustered in the crystal shard
I so wish to crush
For all to feast on what has passed

Dispersed in the ocean of tranquility
I may rest awhile from test of metal
This trivial mental ordeal
Will kaleidoscope the stars

You will breathe me then
Will be closer and complete
This drip feed of love is not enough
So I plead to be defeated

It drowns me in waves of notions
That I should sign myself as absent
Until the indefinite motion
Of the universal spin frees me
From the karmic balance of things

Like this I do see this branch trimmed short
Stunted and pruned before the ripe
With this contorted hope
I may become the light
That I am when I soar in my dreaming

Yet I wake breathing bound by fleshy bonds
So dull in the spectrum of ****** sadness
I confess it is time to end this mess
Let the prophecy contemplate timing

Until that shiny moment
I will sigh and play along
To the tormenting throng
That beckons my presence here
For one day longer

For just one day longer
I will be strong
I will pretend what I feel
Is proven wrong by living reason

Until my patience depleted
Will unmask what we believe
Of this carnal marathon
Racing on the wheels of Samsara

Quiet whispering of anticipation
Like sweat covering the anxious thought
Tomorrow taking over present
What if the balance will never be found?
That other universe of mind
Unattainable vulnerability asking
For a slow dance on tip toes
Around and around and around once more
Averting the eyes not to step
On the soft spot void of essence
It is a chess game and at fault will be
The one who chose no role
Can't pave your way with honesty and kindness
Lost track of thought behind all the
Butterflies and bonfires in my stomach
The sudden heat of anger escaping
My face yet almost always unnoticed
The invisible rascal that tricks my thoughts
And escapes riding the words
Spilling off my tongue and then
Swallowed back like a cup of poison
Meant to be shared
The protector of the world from myself
Is always me in the afterthought
Erasing adequacy for the benefit of
Insecure spectator
Into forgotten chapter
Of samsara
The soothing forever
Of insight
At the end of repetition

forests remain, farther and farther away from us.

only streets, houses
accompany me
like a fingernail on an exhausted hand
wherever i might stop, everywhere,
pain is my compass

always, along this way

forever unwalked
given back to me

the scent of roses in the garden
the waters flooded long ago, belated
tenderness, time
besieged by
time

everything goes by so easily.
life. so easily
was i
forgotten

Andrei Zanca  from *My Cup of Light