I was thinking about reaching out to the stars, when I suddenly felt this cold grip on me… and all in a rush, it brought me back down to reality. I remember listening to the beating of my own heart, feeling the rushing river of blood flowing through my body; I thought it was a miracle that I lived… even when there were those around me who were begging to die. I looked around and thought that everybody was okay; we were all getting along fine and there were still golden airy days, there was shimmering summer rain and silver moonlit dances… but as I got older, I looked around again and saw that behind all the smiles, the facades, the cheer and good times…  nobody was okay. And I thought that I was okay, but when I looked at myself carefully for the first time I saw my heart was very faint, and my happiness was collapsing and my soul was about to wither away. I thought that I could save myself and everyone else if I calmly took off my mask, and showed them who I really was. But just when I was opening my eyes and reaching out for the stars,  I felt this cold grip on me, and it suddenly brought me back down to reality… where everything was just an illusion that everybody was happy living in. Because I realized all along that I had just been using others as an excuse to reveal the truth, to smile in the pouring rain and let it wash away my sorrows… to let go and soar free. But it turns out that it had been just me all along, and everybody else is fine… just the way they are.

The secret of my energy
can be found in my false libido,
unwanted erections,
vibrations on the
inner-city bus.

My blue collar life
with a white collar tongue,
tried pyramid schemes,
tried working for the right thing
on the wrong side of the bar.
Worked on my oral ***
until going down was an art,

worked on my poetry
in the hope I could ******* through
the empty spaces,
clear absence of a career path.

The secret of my energy
can be found in my distance
from anything or anyone.
The secret of my energy
can be found in my contempt
for telling those I care for
about who I love
or what I ate for lunch.

Tried drinking green tea,
meditating by the ocean waves
until I sang the ballad of the sea.
Tried tuning my guitar
to the point the strings would snap
in the hope of portraying emotion
my talent had always lacked.

The secret of my energy
can be found in my distaste
for positivity and pessimism,
for conservative thought
and overdrawn liberalism,
for whistle-blowers
and tone-deaf singers
of flag-waving anthems
and golden age dreams.

Tried holding my hand to my heart,
pledging allegiance
to red wine, white skin, and blue truth.
The secret of my energy
can be found in every idea
I had reached out for
only to find that in my pursuit

I could only become the sum
of all that I knew,
of all that I was,
of all I outgrew.

Way out here in outer space
Searching every distance place
The Moon's so cold without your embrace

I'm still here in flight
Way out past the satellite
Hoping one day we may reunite

Rising quickly is my frustration
Knowing for me there is no salvation
As I see your face in every  constellation

I can't see the silver lining
Even with all the stars still shining
Because all I can do is keep on crying

Loves resurrection is over due
So I will keep on searching for you
Just leave me a **** bread trail, a clue

Because on earth you'll never be again
My heart will never be whole, never mend
The death of everything is the wages of our sin



©Pauline Russell