I wanna scream
I wanna yell
I wanna shout

I KNOW!
I know what your doing
I've known for a long time... maybe too long

your using me
until she gets back
and shes back... but I just can't

I don't have the guts
to burn it down
your a bridge I just can't let go of

It hurts... I think it hurts you too
I mean you never say anything
just run away until I get the point

well it kills me
because I want to be more
more than just some skeleton in your closet

thats all I ever wanted
just to be something... that you can't erase
with just a delete button on your phone

it isn't that much... is it
I mean I thought we were friends
almost 3 years... I thought it meant a little bit more

or was it all just a lie
maybe... I have been tricked
maybe I was always just an object

maybe you were right
I'm just a stupid little girl
easily manipulated

No your not... not this time
so i may have fallen for a part that you've played to perfection
but so has everyone else

but having to sit there
acting oblivious
like I didn't know you'd disappear when she came along

I tried to cope
knowing you'd leave
believing I didn't care

I tried to be as cold as you
slither away
spineless and heartless

but you hurt me
because I stupidly believed maybe... this time... he means it
when inside I know you never did

do you even know how to be honest
you said over and over we could be just friends
nothing more

and each time you never gave even one apology
as you went back on your word so many times
maybe because I never ask for one

I never ask you to do anything
maybe because I know the answer
and knowledge can be a slow spreading deadly virus

but it just made it so much worse
because when it happened
it was my fault for letting it go on so long

I just believed we could be friends
but obviously I was wrong
I was never your friend

I couldn't be
because too you
I was nothing but a pretty little object

Why?

So red, out of sight!
Talk about the cold shoulder
Is it summer yet?

Psychobabble in progress. Waiting for the flow......

Slow and steady but I feel like a hurricane.
In order to express I have to dig,
so much under my walls with such itty-bitty living space.
I catch my subconscious thinking inspiration is a race.
Though, that frame of mind is hard to avoid in such a place.
And ostentatious race, needing metaphorical mace.
So many wolves, it's hard to know what's looking for love and what's looking to feed.

I don't understand the part of me that gets so completely chaotic whenever I try to let someone in. I tell myself it's because there's no new found security in our relationship yet but part of me knows it'll still be there once we get past it (this time I really feel like we will). I don't want to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's an indescribable feeling of chaos, it's beautiful, but it's still chaos. I beat myself up for acting so clammy. So much warmth under an ice cold exterior. It's so frustrating, there's walls not even I can penetrate sometimes. My own scar tissue has a lot more control over me than I thought. I'm almost there, I'm ready for it. There's just something about not having a firm foundation to stand on quite yet that kind of makes me feel like a fish out of water at times.Today I'm fluctuating between feeling beautiful and like totally chaos. I just hope he's patient when dealing with such delicate merchandise.

I have a tendency to forget that others are just as vulnerable as myself.

My teacher said,
"If you don't have a soul,
You're an animal because
They
Don't
Feel."
Well, I guess that's
Really what I
Am.
Since I don't feel,
I don't have a soul.

Therefore,
I'm an Animal.

the first time you decided we should stop talking,
my heart handled it pretty fine.

one hundred and eighty two days later,
when you decided again we should just be friends,
my heart was ripped to shreds.

that day,
i asked three thousand and twenty six strangers on the internet,
how i could get you back,
but the most common answer i got,
was that i couldn't.

i never really ever imagined my life without you,
and your texts at 1 in the morning,
and the phonecalls that would last for hours.

right now i feel like a shadow.
opaque and lost,
wandering around,
looking for something,
that no longer exists.

The Purple Veils Of Twilight Slithered Into The Sky,
Over The Sleek Surface Of The Stream Stars Tango,
Nighttime Prayers Skim Whisps Of Navy Clouds,
In The Reflection Of His Eyes I Found Myself,
Gracious I Let His Soul Sing Me A Sacred Lullaby,
Holding On Tight To Every Word I Wished To Say,
To Every Single Bit Of Beauty I Relished In The Stars

I** Soulfully Sang To The Robins Song At Dusk As The,
Moon Slowly Arose From It's Daytime Slumber

Fields Of Dreams Spread Before Me, As I Slept,
Reminiscing In A World Of Beauty As The,
Evergreens Whispered In My Sleepy Ear, One Last,
Evening Melody, One Last Evening Prayer

Trying to lighten the press of years

curbing self-pitying tears

my grip on sanity tenuous

the act of smiling strenuous

for a while now I’ve wanted to leave

give my body a reprieve

my soul has long since left

my aching bones bereft

my kids visit begrudgingly

albeit acting lovingly

easy to sense when somethings not real

I send out a silent appeal

Persuade the doctors  to let me go

my quality of life is gone, you know

the stroke has robbed me of many joys

much more than even I realise

I can no longer touch

I want to so much

not able to read or write

trapped, stolen, my sight

Ironically I can only communicate with my eyes

and their pleading for you to quicken my demise

an extra pill now and then

a wrong dose of medicine

I resent your care

the way my grandkids stare

this home is my cell

can’t you tell?

Let me fall into a deep sleep

you won’t hear a sound, not a peep

I’ll go knowing, I was wrong, your love was real

you finally heard my silent appeal

North winds, clouds gathering,
My mind paddles in sky river,
Like snow geese or swans.