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 Jan 2015
Edna Sweetlove
A Poeme from ye Penne of
ye right learned Professor Peter Buttocke
collected by hysse Pupille Edna*


There is an ancient Shittah in my Garden, eldritch and right dun in alle Aspect
Wherein dwelleth a loude and noisome Ouzel, ye like of which I have ne'er yet seen
Under thysse our goode Goddes fayre Welkin up in ye Skye above us alle.
This foule and unwholesome Beeste, with trespassynge shote-like ****** Effusiones
Hath performed ye veritable Antithesis of kindly horticultural Edulcoration
For whiche Sinne I shall emasculate ye Brute, so God may grant me Pow'r.
Sudating at ye Nostrilles I advance, my trustie Stang at ye ever-ready,
And I prepare to eject it from yon Pollard, having previous shattered
Alle its horryd Frangibles with one brave bolde frampold Blowe.
Thwacke! A last Piffero-reminiscent Warble escapeth loude from its fowle coronoid Appendage;
Right severe Damage and harsh fatal Ruine of Nature irreversible have I caused
To ye shaggie shamelesse little avian Runte, whereon Goddes smile hath ne'er dawned.
Thus descendeth it to the Faeces-bedecked Herdwick, and I titubate triumph'lly o'er its conticent Corpse.
And were there yet a duodenary Set of ye Frass-Depositors, I would not give a Demi-Testrel for their Survyvall
Should they e'er again infringe the sacred Privacie whych ye ancient Shittah enjoyeth in my Garden.
 Dec 2014
Edna Sweetlove
How I love the smell of your *****
As you straddle my eager open mouth
My tongue licks at your mighty ****
As your canines brush my engorged ****.

How I love the taste of your throbbing ****!
O the feel of your spotty **** in my hands!
How my tonsils risk a ****** good bruising!
And lo! my ***** get stuck between your teeth!

Then your ***** gushes down my hungry cake-hole
And my salty ***** juices run down your fat chin -
But the best bit so far, is if we skilfully manage
To let fly two foetid mutual simultaneous farts.

But now, folks, we get to the really good bit
The bit which we have both been waiting for:
Out come our joint warm streams of diarrheoa
Drenching our excited faces in noisome filth.
 Dec 2014
Edna Sweetlove
He mows the lawn and scatters
The clippings on the ground
And I don't think  it matters
If they mess up all around.

For He is the Naked Groundsman
And He mows the lawns all bare
(But in the depths of winter
In His dead mum's underwear).

Amen.
 Dec 2014
Edna Sweetlove
It's quite
difficult
to tell
a really
really good
religious
joke but I
am confident
that you'll
love this one.
There were three Irish Catholic women coming out of church after confession
and they were exchanging information on their ****** sins they way you do,
and the first one out of the confessional said she had done something so terrible
she could never tell them for the shame and filth of it all, at all, at all, at all.
The second one confessed to her friends that she had given herself one off the wrist
and the priest had said to rinse her digits in the font and do three Hail Marys.
The first woman said "Oh my God!" and put her hand up to her mouth at this.
The third woman said she'd given her boyfriend a ******* in the back of his car
and the priest had told her to wash her  mouth out with the holy font water and
say ten Hail Marys. "Oh dear sweet Jesus, no," cried the first woman.
The last
two girls
were really
curious as
to why the
first woman
was so
shocked.
"So what did
you do?" they
demanded,
"You can't
keep us all
in suspense,
at all, at all"
they chorused.
"All right,"
she said,
hanging her
head down in
embarrassment.
"I let me
old man put
his **** up
me *******
last night,
so I naturally
used the
font to
cleanse me
sins away."
And the two
women had thought
someone had left
a tasty bar of
chocolate lying there
for penitents to nibble on whilst
mumbling their Hail Marys in atonement.
\//.................................................................­............\//
 Dec 2014
Edna Sweetlove
America the land of obesity and greed
Mean and morally bankrupt in the face of world poverty
Ever ready to eagerly attack a foreign country
Rednecked and rabidly racist
Ignorant and parochial to a sickening degree
Canada's ugly southern neighbour
Arrogant and self-opinionated
Narrow-minded and bigoted to the Nth degree
A total ******* disgrace really.
Author notes

This is an acrostic for those too dim to have spotted it yet.
This is a nice one for you all out there
 Dec 2014
Edna Sweetlove
I was sitting weeping on my verandah
As the sun went down over the blue, blue sea.
I thought: what is the point of clinging to life
When there's nothing worth anything for me?

And then I saw a little kitten, ill and weak,
And I heard its pathetic little cries for food;
I bent down to give it a tasty piece of fish
And it sunk its fangs into my hand real good.
 Dec 2014
Edna Sweetlove
The sun lies low over the horizon
Rays cutting through the autumn skies
Waves shimmering in the evening orange light;
Tears roll down my wrinkled cheeks
Weeping for the wasted years of my life,
Years spent loving someone who died long ago
Someone who died before our son was born;
And now even he has been taken from me.
But that's just as well all things considered
Bearing in mind he was a total ******.
Thus, he is well out of it, if you ask me
And I couldn't care a flying **** really.
 Dec 2014
Edna Sweetlove
Do you ever look up in the skies
And wonder where the milky way has gone?
Nor can you see the stars of your childhood,
For mankind has tarnished even the heavens.
One day, and not too distant, I sadly feel,
This world will lie empty and destroyed,
A wasteland memorial to exploitation and greed.
But, never mind, I have my new **** DVD
To watch and I hear it's a ******* winner.
 Dec 2014
Edna Sweetlove
The lemon groves lie silent now it is winter
And it is winter in my lonely heart as well;
Since you died there is a void in my soul
Which all the summer's warmth will never replace.
But, who gives a flying ****? After all,
I still have my giant ***** to keep me happy
(in and out it goes with a loud squelch).
So why don't you just *******, dear reader?
Lemons

— The End —