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 Sep 2015
Edna Sweetlove
One of the most beautiful of all Barry Hodges' "Memories" poems, and one in which a sad death occurs

O how sanguine your author was, that
After so many bitter heartbreaks
On the rocky road to Love
(sweet Nirvana shared with a special kindred soul),
This would be the Big One,
The dawning of my joyous future,
A future to be enjoyed in togetherness
With the woman of my dreams,
A charming full-breasted Highland lassie.

I smiled in innocent anticipation
Of what might transpire
As I waited to meet my wee Aileen
That lovely Scots summer evening
In the bonnie Pass o' Killicrankie -
Her selection of such an inconvenient,
Yet spectacularly gorgeous spot,
Reflected what I had come to appreciate
Of her romantic nature, thus boding well
For our first physical encounter.

Although we had not hitherto met
In the full flesh, so to speak,
I felt I knew the dear girl well,
Having exchanged increasingly amorous emails
On an exclusive dating website
http://brokenhearts-renewed-by-hotspunk.co.uk*
And the semi-draped digital photo
Made my heart go pit-a-pit-a-pat
And made my sporran twitch,
To put it mildly, dear reader.

And so I waited, bouquet in hand,
By the bridge o'er the Pass o' Killicrankie,
That warm evening last year
And the birds sang a gentle little song:
Tweet-tweet-tweety-tweet
They chirrupped, somewhat unoriginally,
And how my heart was gladdened
By their artless warbling, och aye,
But I knew not what tragedy lay
Just around the proverbial corner.

And then I saw her coming down the path,
Limping gently (I recalled she had mentioned
early on in our electronic correspondence
that one leg was slightly shorter than the other
thanks to an incident involving a rabid Rottweiler)
And, O dear Lord, she was indeed a beauty,
Truly a very tasty number indeed
(although at least ten inches shorter
than I had fondly imagined theretofore),
And I knew my prayers had been answered
(yet perhaps not one hundred percent ideally).

We embraced shyly as she rested her lesser limb
On a conveniently sited large round stone,
As we stood by the bridge looking out o'er
The spectacular Pass o' Killicrankie,
With its tumbling burn in the mighty ravine far below,
And she reached up on tippie-toe
So as to bring her lips up my mine
In order to seal our love, to plight our troth;
Och how my poor wee heart pounded
Like a steam-hammer at full throttle.

But Fate, cruel Fate intervened brutally
And her surgical boot slipped on the aforesaid stone;
Then she fell against the ill-maintained fence
Which inevitably snapped asunder
And my Aileen toppled over into the terrible depths
Of the famous Pass o' Killiecrankie,
Her arms flailing like semaphore.
O, but I shall ne'er forget her doomed shrieks
As she bounced over the granite rocks,
Landing with a fatal plop in the rippling stream
As it ran urgently in the crannies at the bottom
Of the legendary Pass o' Killicrankie.

There's aye a silver lining to this tale
As poor Aileen's handbag still lay on the path
And I quick perusal therein
Suggested I could go for a tasty supper
At the nearest hostelry and have plenty left over
To subscribe to a more explicit dating website
(perhaps one where only the physically perfect
would be allowed to register)
In the hope of better luck next time round;
But the memory of her dying gurgles
In the icy waters of the babbling brook
Coursing through the Pass o' Killiecrankie
Will live with me for all eternity
(well, a week or two at a rough guess anyway).
 Sep 2015
Wilfred Owen
Under his helmet, up against his pack,
After so many days of work and waking,
Sleep took him by the brow and laid him back.

There, in the happy no-time of his sleeping,
Death took him by the heart. There heaved a quaking
Of the aborted life within him leaping,
Then chest and sleepy arms once more fell slack.

And soon the slow, stray blood came creeping
From the intruding lead, like ants on track.

Whether his deeper sleep lie shaded by the shaking
Of great wings, and the thoughts that hung the stars,
High-pillowed on calm pillows of God's making,
Above these clouds, these rains, these sleets of lead,
And these winds' scimitars,
-Or whether yet his thin and sodden head
Confuses more and more with the low mould,
His hair being one with the grey grass
Of finished fields, and wire-scrags rusty-old,
Who knows? Who hopes? Who troubles? Let it pass!
He sleeps. He sleeps less tremulous, less cold,
Than we who wake, and waking say Alas!
(C) Wilfred Owen
 Aug 2015
Edna Sweetlove
I know I am saved and
My salvation is assured, so:
"*******!" to all ***-SINNERS!
Even as the flames of hottest Hell
Roar in the depths
Thumping like an electric toilet
Urging defecation on sinners
The hot turds going round the bend
Beastly beyond thought
And pumping foulness
Beyond any thought of salvation
Like a great big huge boil of oozing pus
Eager and willing to perish in the flames of Hell
With a cry of Hallelujah! and a cha-cha-cha.
 Aug 2015
Edna Sweetlove
I once ****** a ******* a boat;
She smelled awful, a bit like a stoat;
She fingered my ***
Which made us both come
And she wiped the **** off on my coat.
 Jun 2015
Edna Sweetlove
I helped my Uncle ******* a donkey once and
I helped my neighbour Bill Krapp into a church, but
Thank Gawd I never saw my aunt's ***** being eaten
By a grizzly bear, only by my Uncle ****.
 Jun 2015
Edna Sweetlove
Skidmarks on your *******
Tells a tale on you-oo
Skidmarks on your *******
Shows you did a poo-oo.
Bet you twenty Euro
You and I are through
Skidmarks on your *******
Show you followed through.

Skidmarks on your *******
Skidmarks back and fro-ont
Shows you didn't wipe up
Your ******* or your cu-unt.
Bet you twenty Euro
You stupid little runt
Skidmarks on your *******
***** bumholed ****.
As can be seen this can be sung to the tune of the immortal Connie Francis fifties hit, "Lipstick on your collar".
Enjoy!
 Jun 2015
Edna Sweetlove
Dmitri Shostakovich woke up feeling sad
In his home town of Leningrad;
The naughty Nazis were shelling his lovely Russian city -
So, for consolation, he ****** ******* his wife's left *****.
 Jun 2015
Edna Sweetlove
Oh Joy, Oh Great Heavens Above,
How I like to lingeringly slaver o'er
The fartleberries hanging humunguously
Out of your **** cleft like bunches of mouldering grapes,
And to gaze upon the lusciously stale shitstains
Decorating your hirsute ****-cheeks!
You so rarely wash and your dumps are omnipotent
And you are too mean to buy any **** wipes.

You moan quite loudly in colonic ecstacy
As I plumb the Stygian depths of your sit-upon place,
My nose diving daintily like a woodpecker's beak
Smeared with poo-bits, seeking Nirvana
In your ****** paradise, brown love-tunnel
Serenaded by the poets since Time began!
Nowhere in all the Hershey Universe can there be
A pongier rimmee than you, O unshaven beauty of mine!

My probing tongue is covered with nutty brown paste,
Your sweet excremental delight makes me drool
In joy, as I personhandle myself "down there";
Ignoring the most elemental rules of hygiene.
But sadly there is a fly in the ointment
Indeed a whole ******* barrelful of them:
Not only will I get a very nasty E-coli infection
But I'll have bad breath tomorrow at chapel.
 Mar 2015
Edna Sweetlove
This poem has a message....


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                            u        ck         o
                          f            f             F
                        u             ck           O
                       f              f                F
                      u        ­      ck               o
                      f                f­                 F
                       u              ck               o
                         f             f                F
                          u           ck      ­      o
                            f           F           u
                              c        k          o­
                                        ff
                     ­                   F
                                        U
  ­                                      C
                         ­               K
                                        F
      ­                                  A
                             ­           C
                                        E
          ­                               !
Humour
 Jan 2015
Edna Sweetlove
I watched a woman dying
On the street;
She had a smile on her face
As she had just come
With a great howl
As the bus hit her
Amidships,
Spilling her Marks & Spencer's bag
Full of stolen groceries
As well as her guts
And her birth certificate
Which showed she was actually born male.
We all have our little secrets
You never know what's in a lady's *******
Until you go there to explore.
So you can ******* now.
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