I refuse to let these tears fall.
I refuse to let you get to me.
I have been strong for so long.
I have broken down, shamelessly.
I am human even when I don't want to be.
Here I stand, looking you right in the eye.
Give me your worst.
I'm at my best.

It's funny how sometimes you can't see something
Until it's right in front of you.
Then suddenly what you believed, what you always knew,
It all turns out to be true.
It is one of the best feelings,
Knowing your faith was not in vain.
I'm just standing here, looking out at the rain,
Thinking of how much you've relieved my pain.

Always have to secure control over something.
Just one thing is all it takes.
Maybe it's your routine, maybe it's your weight.
Maybe it's another person who can never seem to catch a break
From you.

I thought I really didn't matter to you; I thought you didn't care.
A chance to prove me wrong is what I simply couldn't spare.
So wrapped up in my delusions and depression, blind to any kind of progression.
I didn't see you grow, I wouldn't let you show.
You could have been there, if I had dared
To reach out for help, to admit that I was scared.

I am so tired of it,
Pushing myself to be 'normal,'
To not sound lost, or confused.
Smile!
Don't worry!
The most common, uncreative commands
Thrown at me with scarce empathy
Meanwhile, my concerns are brushed to the side,
Lazily swept away.

All I want
Is a pink picket fence
And a kid
And a house
And a husband who tells me
I'm beautiful, even when I'm not
And I want us to be in love
And spend every day
Thankful for each other
And I don't want anyone
To tell me
That I want too much.

You can do anything,
And you can do it well.
Yet you lie there on the shelf,
And you never ask for help.

I remember
The blanket
The movements
The warmth mixed with cold
The movie
That we weren't watching
The way you looked at me
And the way I felt
I wish
We could go back there
Right now.

The medicine's not working
As usual
And the effects are brutal
As my mind makes up the strangest stories
About you, about me,
About anything
That it can grasp,
So paranoid,
I can't relax.

I am going to say
What I want to say
And take
All the ideas in my mind
Transform them into a beautiful,
Physical form
Of some kind.

There is nothing
That you can do
To silence me.
There is nothing I can do
To keep it all inside.

I will leave you
In the dust,
If I have to.
Well you must
Have seen this
From a mile away
Maybe before
We even started the race.

I love what you do to me,
Sickeningly sweetening,
Viciously inviting,
Altogether frightening.

Sometimes I wish I could just hide from you,
You, who feels only the cold touch of fear,
You, who breathes in uncertainty.
You, who sees treachery, everywhere.
Cannot suspend belief, cannot find relief.
You, who is too adult to bear.
My patience for you is nowhere
To be found.

It sounds crazy, I know,
But you see, it always talks to me.
Wears me down, makes me question
Everything.
Now even your love is on the table,
Analyzed to death, never able
To stand alone, pure and simple.

It starts off small.
A nag, here or there.
Did you forget to do this,
Did you remember to do that?
It grazes the line.
Did you check and re-check?
Did you re-check again?
It grows larger.
How many times did you check?
Could you check once more?
Larger than you.
Did you double, triple, and quadruple check?
Did you do everything you could do?
Obsessive,
Cruel,
Demoralizing,
OCD.

I think the real reason, Colette,
The reason for why you haven't left yet
Well, you're afraid of taking that next step
And admitting you deserve to do your best.

People are so quick to judge
Where you're going
When they have gone nowhere
When they have yet
To put their name and their success
In bright flashing lights.

You're not just mean; you're evil.
And yes, there is a big difference.
You don't scowl, you merely smile
While you do something rotten and vile.
You don't shout; you merely whisper
And somehow everyone seems to concur.

When we envy others,
We cheat ourselves of their beauty.
Maybe they are a good writer, or a talented singer.
It is easy to get caught up in what we don't have.
It is a challenge to accept that everyone plays their own part,
That they have their own unique bit to contribute,
Just like you do too.

I want to fly closer to the flames
To slightly singe my skin
To feel some kind of pain but not to fall
Deep into the fire, burned alive and charred forever.

I would do anything to protect you
Even if it meant stripping another human being down
Down to their bones, to see what's underneath it all
What they may be hiding from you.

So much in need
Of all those things
That make me feel whole
When really,
The truth is,
That everything outside
Only hides
How little there is
On the inside.

I am so bitter
I am so mad
I've lost yet another thing
I thought that I had.

I dreamed it all okay,
That the cruel ones went away,
That kindness took the wheel,
Driving us to heal.

I sunk the darkness with my mind,
Left the monsters far behind.
With smiles and love leading the way -
A whole new world, a whole new day.

I shut you out,
With a false smile on my mouth.
I let you in,
Only enough to graze my skin.
I open the door,
Only to lay still upon the floor.
I wake up in my bed,
Only to gaze at the ceiling overhead.

My world was a gray place
An expressionless face
Where black and white people celebrate
Sameness and predictability
Void of creativity.

I'm so done with you.
You don't even try.
So when you lose everything,
Don't ask why.

You are disgusting,
So very vile,
And I thank you for that
As you make it effortless -
To pity and hate you
So I don't have to love you back.

What do I need
But a beautiful day
A tree that breathes, heavy and deep,
The water under its feet.
Sunflowers tilt their hats as I walk by
I hear a baby bird cry.
Its mother nudges it towards the ledge;
I watch it fall then fly.
It touches the sky.
Is this all real?
I am beginning to feel,
Again.

Money calls me in and spits me out.
It helps me live then lets me down.
It takes the wheel, the tires squeal.
It finds me here, should I disappear?

Sometimes when I hate myself,
It's not really me that I hate.
It's the people who hurt me
Long, long ago.

The monster lives inside you -
the beast of jealousy, self-doubt, anger turned toward your own skin.
A flash of disdain disarms you -
the pain of being doubted and disliked.
Charm and niceties distract you -
the temporary soothe of a kind gesture and word.
All the while the clock ticks.
Tick, tick, tick.
There is only so much time to dwell on the monster, disdain, and charm.
There is time left to live and love.
How will you spend your time?

Look at me, aren't I so cool?
I can laugh at you, make you feel like a fool.
While you're looking up, I'm looking down.
I see you there, small on the ground.
At any moment I can make your heart turn around.
It's that sliver of kindness within me that you found.
It keeps you from leaving, thirsting for more.
It keeps you from walking out of that door.
I can shut my emotions off at any time.
I can make you forget, I can make you blind.
I will lie to your face with absolutely no expression.
I don't care if I leave you with a false impression.
I do this all to protect myself.
How am I supposed to know what you're all about?
Guilty until proven innocent.
Can't trust anyone without knowing their true intent.

If I could just meet you, for one second,
Make direct contact, know that you exist.
If I could just be you and feel that wonderful feeling, both relieving and thrilling.
If you could show yourself to me, I would learn to be happy.
But, there's this painful reality
Where you can only be
An ever evasive shadow.
Selfishly you side-step the light, unaffected when you leave me empty and shallow.

She fools herself
Every day
She won't be happy
Unless she gets her way
And if she doesn't
There's a high price to pay
Regardless of your feelings,
That price won't be waived.

There was the spark,
And it's slowly fading out
And I can't stop it now
Even if I knew how.

Don't ******* reach out to me;
Just leave me alone.
I don't want to go out;
I want to stay home.
I don't want any warmth;
I'm used to the cold.
So,
Let me freeze here until I grow old.

When you're depressed, it's hard to say 'yes.'
'Yes' to the start of a new day.
'Yes' to any opportunity that comes your way.
'Yes' to a friend in need.
'Yes' to doing a good deed.
Because 'no' is easy, 'no' is safe.
'No' allows you to stay in that cold, dark place.

I won't tell you what I really think
You'll have to dig deep
Underneath all the sugar,
Trying not to sink.

Please, just,
Stop the clock.
Stop everything.
I would do anything
To freeze this moment
And figure out
How I want to spend my future.

I stand here, naked,
While you sit, fully clothed and comfortable.
I am cold and lonely, misunderstood and angry.
You are always cocky, happy to ignore me.
Forget it, no, I don't need anything.
Thanks for asking.
Maybe one day we will see eye to eye,
While I stand here, naked,
Afraid.

You tell me to be open
Then you close the door,
Just shut it right in my face.
You seem so warm, then you just
Freeze over, leaving me shivering.
I don't understand you.
I don't know what you want from me.
I can't be perfectly lukewarm,
All the time.
I can't read your mind.

I don't belong here
In this...place.
Somehow I convinced myself
That I did.
Somehow I told myself
I couldn't do any better.
Somehow I lied to myself,
And now I don't know if I can trust myself again.

It's all in my head
Doesn't mean it's not real
I still think what I think
And feel what I feel.

Here is the line;
Be careful, it is fine.
You better not try me;
I'm an expert at feeling angry.
Watch where you step,
Or crack an eggshell with regret.
It's all just a stupid test.
Even I haven't figured it out yet.

I'm hearing it again -
The voice.
I don't want to, though;
It isn't by choice.

Sometimes I forget what happiness is.
Is it a hug at the end of the day
Or paying the bills off right away?
Is it the feeling of rain when it's warm
Or a roof over my head while it storms?
Is it the arm around me while I sleep
Or the extra soft pillow upon which I weep?
Can it be both, or is it only one?
Is it practical or is it fun?
Can I afford to smile, even for a day?
What is happiness anyway?

Rich
*****
Diamonds drip
Drip drip blood
Soaks the soles of your feet
Soul empty, silent defeat
Gold gleaming
As the shining star that you are.

Peace is a distant friend
That rarely calls
Never drops by for a coffee
Or a casual conversation.
Has Peace moved on,
Found a better friend?
While I sit here, bitter,
Affected,
Restless,
Unsure.
Peace, what can I do to bring you back?

Sometimes I wish someone, some kind soul,
Would just shoot me in the face
So I can see what it's like to be erased
From the world.