You cut me open
And laughed as my heart stopped beating
You hurt me in every way possible
Controlled me in every way possible

I was only fourteen when I met you
You took advantage of my inexperience
Every time I see someone who looks like you
I stop in my tracks
And run away

Even after five years
I’m still afraid
Panicking at the thought of you

When I stopped breathing
Did you panic?
You choked me so hard
Clusters of violet spots
Under my eyes for days
Reminding me of the violence that took place

How many times did you **** me?
I’ve lost count
You ravaged my body, soul, and mind
The reason I laid in bed for days
Hoping a black hole would swallow me

I wonder about you
Almost every day
Did you get help?
Is there someone else?
A young inexperienced girl
With her whole life ahead of her?
Have you ruined her
Like you ruined me?

Dear mama
You hurt me so much
Now I’m numb
I can’t trust
I’m dependent on love
Constantly paranoid he’ll leave me
Just like you
Perhaps I should say
Dear Virginia
Since you've never been a mother
More like a friend that you don’t want
The cool mom
The **** mom
With your promiscuous clothing
Buying alcohol and drugs
For your daughters and their friends
You’ve been a role model
Just not the good kind
Suicide attempts and drug use
Mainly when he (plural) left
Crack
Xanax
****
I lost count
Have you?
You’re my greatest role model
I’ve already promised myself
I’ll **** myself when he leaves
Notice I said “when” not “if”
Are you proud?
One daughter just like you
A ****** addict killing herself
And two on the way
You’ve already given me the greatest gift
Bipolar Disorder
How much more
Can I take?
Will I be like you?
My greatest fear
Coming true
“I’ll love you forever
I’ll like you for always
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be”
But that’s *******
Isn’t it?
Crack is your baby
Hatred and anger
Is what you live for
Are you happy?
I’m not
Sincerely,
Your daughter
P.S. Can you guess which one?

She stares at the blank page
Then at the far wall
“We’re all mad here,” it says
Whispering
Yelling
Beckoning
I feel so small
A tiny version of myself
Balled up inside
Peering through this strangers’ eyes
Sounds echo loudly
Reverberating through my hosts’ body
I may be losing my mind
Everything is surrounding me
Pulsating
Colossal versions of themselves
I’m in the kitchen now
How did I get here?
How long has it been?
I place my hand in front of my face
It doesn’t feel like my hand
I pick up a knife and slice open the palm of my dead hand
I don’t flinch
I don’t feel it
“Where am I,” I ask as the blood drips from my hand

Television playing in the background
Not paying attention
Scrolling through Facebook like flicking through channels
Thoughts are racing
Did I say that out loud?
I can’t tell
He’s ignoring me
Says I’m too much right now
Want to be touched
Can’t stop talking
Want to be everywhere at once
Do everything at once
How long before I become reckless?
I’m scared
Excited
It feels like I haven’t blinked in days
Can he read my mind?
I hope not

You don’t have to be an interior designer
To style boots
I can’t even take away the pain
So disturbed by blood
At capacity
Just doesn’t seem worth it anymore
Destroy the middle class
Don’t be lasagna
I’ve learned from life
My own little safety net
When you remember
You shouldn’t drink the water
Maybe I should take a conceal carry class
Misplacing my thoughts
Perhaps I shouldn’t own a gun