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333 · Oct 2014
Fallen Apart
Claire Elizabeth Oct 2014
These days haven't been the same without you
I've said it a million times
But it's become just a nagging in the back of my head
A tug on the nape of my neck
"Where is he?"

It's almost like you never existed
Although I can still see you out of the corner of my eye
Sometimes you'll slip into focus
Then out
Like a microscope lens was brought closer
And then lost

What was it like to laugh with me?
I can't quite remember the last time we kissed
Was it in your car with the windows fogged over and words
Written with a shaking finger through the condensation.

What ever happened to being friends?
I know that you thought we could never be anything but lovers
But we could have tried to be less.
We knew each other inside and out before we became one
It's like we forgot how to memorize voices and touches

Being sad about this seems silly
But nostalgia's a ***** when it makes a home in your heart
And dwelling on the past doesn't help things
Especially when all you can think of is what I could have said to you
These days

Both of us have fallen apart
Have you noticed that?
You're in some deep ****, honey.
I'm somewhere up in the universe without air and nothing but star dust making my throat close up.
i don't think we ever fell out of love...
333 · Nov 2014
wolves and air
Claire Elizabeth Nov 2014
you saying my name again
even through chapped lips
would be enough
to set me on fire with some burning desire
to throw myself to you

the wolves

         i can't remember what your voice
         is like
         but the wind through the trees
         might be a good
         representation
         and the eyes that would laugh
         at me
         with me
         can't be the same now
         as they were then
         the sky isn't as blue
         and it gets its color from you
        
         *my air
324 · Oct 2014
go faster
Claire Elizabeth Oct 2014
push through the water
go faster go faster
"he's waiting at the other end"
go faster go faster
i can't breath
the water is pushing into my lungs
into my mouth
into my nose
i have to win
he's watching
don't disappoint him
he came just for you
i can hear him yelling my name
it sends chills down my spine
he's cheering for me because i'm his
almost to the finish line
touch the wall
hear the cheers
i did well
he's yelling my name still
i can hear the proud in his voice
i did it
i made it
321 · Dec 2014
what i hope
Claire Elizabeth Dec 2014
i hope that she loves you

i hope that she savors each taste of your wisdom and brilliant mind

i hope that she sees what a wonderful person you are, how kind, how caring, how gentle

i hope that she cherishes the long nights spent talking on the phone with static in the background

i hope that she doesn't mind that you get sad sometimes because we all do and you won't mind when she does

i hope that you can play the piano for her and make her wonder what other beautiful things you can do

i hope that she can hold you when you aren't doing so well late at night

i hope that things turn out right and not like they did with you and i

i hope that you become her best friend instead of already being so

i hope that you see her everyday as a beautiful soul with eyes the depth of the ocean

i hope that heaven sees you as a being that needs another chance because being in love skipped by you

i hope that she's pretty with skin that glows and a smile that makes the night awaken

i hope that she doesn't throw away everything that you two have and leave it lying

but god

i just hope that she loves you with every bit that she can...
319 · Jan 2015
Ponderings
Claire Elizabeth Jan 2015
the weather was nice for a few days
i think it finally figured out how to be happy

sometimes i wonder if the sky has depression
because it's sad one day and fine the next

do the trees get confused by the weather?
even i'm getting confused and i can feel the rain coming

maybe the plants are like therapists
in the sense that they can tell when something's wrong

i wish i was a plant sometimes, maybe a cherry tree
at least then i'd be pretty enough to be picked
These are questions and thoughts that go through my head almost every day.
318 · Feb 2014
The Flowers Are Sad
Claire Elizabeth Feb 2014
Beneath my veins, he feels wrong
Because he doesn't feel like you
My throat is heavy, darling
Oh God
My throat is heavy
I've fallen for entirely the wrong person
The flowers are sad
Because I've fallen for
Entirely the wrong person
I promised myself
I wouldn't regret, darling
And I promised myself I wouldn't
Miss things
But things are messy
To say the least
There's a million more things
I want to say to you, darling
Just know that I hate the things you do
Because I care too much
316 · May 2013
I
Claire Elizabeth May 2013
I
I tried to cut myself today
I backed out at the last minute
I instead took a rubber and
I left marks up and down my legs
I didn’t cry from the pain
I cried because of the nothing
I felt
I cried because
I didn’t feel anything
I kept the welts in line and
I maintained the perfect sloppiness
I proceeded to make wishes
I made a wish with each snap
I wished for necessities
I wished for oblivion and
I wished for a place where
Nothing was a feeling and
I
Felt
Nothing
316 · Apr 2015
Vision
Claire Elizabeth Apr 2015
I always saw you as a pair of bright blue eyes and
A keeper of beautiful words
    
     *You saw me as nothing but a bleeding heart with a rough touch
316 · Aug 2014
Ramble
Claire Elizabeth Aug 2014
I can't even think of what to write at the moment
I don't have anybody to write for
None of my feelings can be described by words
Because they're feelings
Not tangible English.
There's thunder rumbling in the distance
And a football game blaring on the TV
But why is it that I still feel like a stranger
To even myself
After I've grown up with the same sounds my whole life
I guess I can't hear a comforting voice
Whispering through text messages anymore
I'm too picky about who I want to love
About who I want to love me
Even though I scramble for a touch when it's given
I can think of a million peoples' faces who I want to love
But they don't consist of who they used to
It doesn't consist of two anymore.
I'm so confused and I want someone to hug me again but I don't know who to ask.
310 · Dec 2017
Silvery Tongues
Claire Elizabeth Dec 2017
Do you hear that? Hear the heavens wishing they weren’t so far away from you? Angels fall all the time, you were no different.

I can see the stars even from trillions of light years in the past, or is it the future? Either way, wouldn’t you want to be one too if you knew how empty their orbits really are? I wonder what they do with all the silence.

I still let the universe decide things for me. If the floodlights outside my window turn off in the next two minutes I’ll go to bed. If they don’t, I’ll lie awake in tranquillized agony. The sleepy self-deprecation I catch myself whispering into the thick darkness doesn’t seem so rigid at two in the morning. It’s….soft.

If someday the concrete of the road decides I’m no angel, I still hope I can hear the heavens wishing they could ******* pain on silvery tongues.
309 · Jan 2018
awning
Claire Elizabeth Jan 2018
Let's say...hypothetically...that you loved me
Would you have made it more clear?

Just for a minute...briefly...imagine that I hadn't loved you
Would I still have been left with all the ashes?

My heart is a plaything, I'll admit.
Your heart is a midsummer's evening, all delicate balance and heaving worry.
I'd like to think that I was a sort of awning for the rain that drenched you in sadness and fear that I'd cease to be your awning.
You were the rain.

Hopeless love is the most hopeful love there is in the fact that those who love hopelessly, are the ones who wish the hardest for the universe to make them both either the rain, or the awning.
307 · Nov 2013
Vice
Claire Elizabeth Nov 2013
Whisper nice things in my ears
Make me laugh like
I used to
Because I
Can't take
This pain for
Much longer
It's gripping me
Like a vise
And I can't find
The handle
That loosens it
307 · Oct 2014
Waiting for You
Claire Elizabeth Oct 2014
I'm shaky
I can't sit still and my leg seems to be falling asleep all the time
Is it normal to be a nervous wreck after a day of not talking to the one you
Want to talk to most?
I can't concentrate
This poem was hard for me to write
I'm having problems breathing
This can't be because I love you



*Can it?
306 · Dec 2017
missing
Claire Elizabeth Dec 2017
I miss you

There, I said it.

I miss you like I miss being a child. So innocently and so tenderly.
I miss you like I miss crying in my bed every night. So harshly and so hatefully.
I miss you like I miss how watermelon tasted sitting on my back porch in the dead heat of the summer. So wistfully and so nostalgically.
I miss you like I miss hating myself. So forcefully and so violently.
I miss you like I miss playing with my dad in that small backyard with the garden and playhouse. So kindly and so gently.

I miss you.

There, I said it.

And I'll miss you for even longer than just now.
I'll miss the small speckles of kisses we left on the other's shoulders and chests and chins.
I'll miss the sharpness of the shadows cast on the wall by the T.V. at 10 o' clock at night when we're supposed to be anywhere but laying in each other's arms.
I'll miss how the vast city lights stretched out for miles and miles and miles, unphased by the chill of winter.
I'll miss the sound of your voice, the terribly velvet voice with the touch of agony.

I miss you.

There, I said it.

And it is such a lonely existence to miss someone who does not miss you back.
305 · Sep 2017
Seasons: Fall
Claire Elizabeth Sep 2017
The rain falls in heavy sheets sometimes
And sometimes, it floats like the snow of an icy mountaintop

Leaves and trees and branches and grass give out their last breaths
Drying breaths, colour and lack thereof

The air always smells warm, even when it is not
Like the beginning of winter and soft caramel

Wind makes its home in the lofts of pine groves
And clears the shadows of thick foliage

The mornings are awake and alive and cold with winter
And the afternoons hazy and content and cozy with the leftovers of summer
305 · Jun 2015
Hurt the Most
Claire Elizabeth Jun 2015
i tried pulling new boys closer to me so that
maybe i could feel some semblance of how things used to be
but none of them felt the same as you
and i think that's what hurt me the most
305 · Sep 2015
untitled
Claire Elizabeth Sep 2015
Things are falling apart fast
My friends have become sparse
Am I really a falling tree?
My family keeps telling me that I am
Worthless
My mother says she's disappointed in everything
I've done
Doesn't she know that all I've gone through life doing
Is trying to impress?

They treat me like I am a rolling boulder
Scattering like scared sheep
Whenever I say a word
They say they're done with my ****
But I can't tell what I've done
To wrong them

I'm tempted to claim death of my emotions
For the sake of a heartless cause
303 · Apr 2014
in the moments
Claire Elizabeth Apr 2014
in the moment that we first met
i think the wind held its breath
and the ocean ceased its movement
because why not watch a
beautiful moment play out?
the mountains pierced the clouds for us
and the birds pulled apart the universe for us
and the sun burned our faces into each
others' eyelids
but our hearts pulled us together with
their fingers tangled in our hair
i think the stars came alive again for us
to shine during the day
and the moon was borne a new face
one that smiled kindly


do you think the wind is back to whistling
tunes?
do you think the ocean is back to moving
mountains?
maybe the mountains have gone back to shrinking
and maybe the birds have run out of air
and the sun pointed its heat elsewhere
but i think our hearts still hold on to
our hair a bit too tightly.
the stars have gone back to disappearing
even at night.
and the moon has turned its face to the
darkened side of the galaxy
297 · Apr 2014
2.23.14
Claire Elizabeth Apr 2014
2.23.14*
My dear, what have you done to us?
I though we could be friends, but I guess not.
I wanted to go on adventures and I wanted to talk about things that no one else could get out of you.
I wanted to go exploring with you in the deep woods and listen to music with you.

Do you see how much I miss you?
Can you see in the curve of my mouth how sad I am?
Can you see in the droop of my eyes how deadened I am?
You've condemned me to sadness, darling.
My nights are long enough to count the billions of stars in the cast blue-black sky.
You were my entire world.

I look at your blog almost every day to see how you are faring..
It must be bad for you but to me it's nothing.
Do the words carry even an ounce of what you feel?
Even the posts on mine aren't deep enough to hold my soul.
It seems like the pictures only outline what I feel while yours sum everything up.

Are you that shallow?
297 · Feb 2014
Fine Wine Called Bleach
Claire Elizabeth Feb 2014
there are sheets of paper lying scattered around my room
they are to you
the lines are filled with words untold and
things i could never tell you with a straight face
it's like i took a blade and cut up my heart into
thin enough slices to read
the black pen is blotched and splattered
i couldn't stop my hand from shaking
there is one letter for every day of the past week
i'm tempted to leave them around
see if you find them or not
see if you get the hint that you are the cause of things
i don't feel anything after i'm done writing
i'm done with it
i have spilled my blood too many times to count
i drink a fine wine called bleach to get rid of the taste of you
295 · May 2019
Untitled
Claire Elizabeth May 2019
My chest hurts




And then it feels nothing.
294 · Dec 2014
call
Claire Elizabeth Dec 2014
i don't have anyone to call anymore on the nights when i can't breath
and the lights have left my eyes
291 · Dec 2016
Leaving
Claire Elizabeth Dec 2016
Stop making my head ache
And my bones quake

The sun hasn't shone in weeks
Because of the shadow you're casting

Sometimes I think that I see you out of the corner of my eye
But I realize I am mistaken because when you left this time

You  took your coat with you
287 · Dec 2014
i'll forget
Claire Elizabeth Dec 2014
and i'm beginning to forget you
like the way a mattress loses the imprint of its sleeper after a while when you can't sleep there anymore because it becomes too uncomfortable
like the way a computer shortens its history when you don't use it for a while
because you just can't get up off the floor to do something
like the way an 90 year old woman forgets her husbands name and then her own after years of hearing those two names over and over
like the way the brain makes room for different, better memories and moments
following a few months that were kind of drab and uneventful

and i hope that after a few more months then i won't even remember your face or how your laugh sounded when you didn't hide it and the perfect way your chest rose and fell after every single breath you took or the flowing rhythm your fingers kept when they raced across your piano keyboard. i'll forget the way you look at her and instead of me.
286 · Dec 2014
It's been a year
Claire Elizabeth Dec 2014
It's been a year since you said you loved me for the last time
It seems like it's been a millennium since I told you I would always love you
And I find that even over billions of centuries I still love you
Love the wind that rattles through your lungs
Love the rivers rushing around the bends and curves in your veins
Love the mountains ridging your skeletal frame
Love the valleys denting the smooth plains of your skin
I find that I could go back and say the same things I did a year ago
And feel the same gravitational shift I did a millennium ago.
Claire Elizabeth Sep 2014
I never thought I'd kiss your lips again or feel your hand on my cheek
I never would have guessed that I could see you smile again because of me
Even after all these months, almost a year, I think,
When I dream about you I wake up like the day is new
And last night was no different
Because you sat down next to me and pulled me closer
And then you turned my face to yours and kissed me with soft lips
It was like the universe stopped expanding
Stopped pulling us further away from each other
It was like the oceans stopped churning
Stopped drowning us
Even as I'm writing this I'm crying because who wouldn't after
Nine months of not seeing your face turned towards mine
You were you again
Not the shell that I had grown accustomed to that ignored me
Or didn't know i existed anymore
God, it was heaven in a few milliseconds
And I never wanted to leave
283 · Mar 2015
I Fear You
Claire Elizabeth Mar 2015
I fear you*
For you are golden lions and
Dozens of silver stars
282 · Jan 2018
Letters to You (Pt 1)
Claire Elizabeth Jan 2018
Dear old lover,
old friend
old man-of-my-dreams,

It's late at night, although not late enough for it to be considered the saddening hour. I've missed you recently. Why? I couldn't tell you. It's probably something in the weather, in the moon, telling me "it's time for you to begin the missing again." Why you? Even more of a mystery.

We're talking again. "Talking." Sending messages as the strangest of strangers, as people who sort of still know all the secrets, who still sort of talk like maybe nothing has changed. Except now I construct my responses with the delicate intention of keeping my brick walls built around the space in my past dedicated to you.

I hope you're well. In the sense that maybe you still think of me every once in a while. In the sense that maybe you're forgetting how much you used to love me.

Sincerely,
Claire
*(past mistake)
282 · Aug 2013
The Not-erfly
Claire Elizabeth Aug 2013
I am a social
Not-erfly
One of the outcasts
From that group
Of people
You sneer at
Whatever
274 · Nov 2014
open the door
Claire Elizabeth Nov 2014
why does it seem like my body is so hell-bent on killing itself
my brain doesn't tell me when i'm thirsty anymore
it doesn't let me know that i need to stay warm
it doesn't inform me that my oxygen levels ****
and that i need to breath more often
it doesn't give me a nudge to tell me to wake up
it knows that Death is walking up the front porch steps
it's just waiting for it knock
so it can open the door
271 · Sep 2018
August
Claire Elizabeth Sep 2018
i. when the sun begins setting behind the full leaves of the oaks and cottonwoods, the air turns soft with lazy warmth, golden and shimmering in the valleys and fields. sometimes when the hour between late afternoon and early evening hits, i get a little more nostalgic about how the crickets begin to sing and how the cicadas hum brightly in their wooded alcoves. everything becomes nostalgic about the August before this one

ii. once August trails the dead petals of the ladyfingers out the door, September sneaks in behind. August leaves behind its last remaining warmth, casting a blanket over the afternoons and tugging it off during the dead of night. it leaves behind the summer romances, the one night stands, the flings that blazed throughout June and July. and it leaves behind just enough of my happiness to last me until the first snow. and then November takes the rest.

iii. there's a little-known term that latches itself onto the coattails of August: sun-drunk. long days spent in the sun, warm and tan. lungs consisting entirely of fresh air and hopeful opportunities. ending the afternoons with a bone-tired sigh, a comfortable nap, still sweaty from play, eyes half-lidded. an exhaustion unlike any other.

iv. when the summer retracts its tendrils back into itself, its last wish is to begin anew in a year. it wishes to coax the life back into the shuddering trees and wilting grass, coming into spring with a fervour. when the cold bites at the nape of the summer's neck, every living thing places their hope on warmth's feeling shoulders.

v. every time i go to the places we used to roam, i hear your voice again. the thick humidity has an uncanny ability to replicate the smell of your skin. or maybe nostalgia makes everything contain some portion of you. my hands unfold for the breeze, which carries your touch; my eyes soften for the sun, which carries your gaze; my legs take bigger steps to miss the cracks of the sidewalk, which mimic your long strides. again and again, my body will always want you.
263 · Mar 2018
Smell
Claire Elizabeth Mar 2018
There's a smell, that rolls in with the budding dogwoods and the billowing thunderheads of Spring.
It says "I am familiar. Have you ever heard of Deja Vu? She is my sister."
Imagine if the creatures that live in the wood could speak the prophecies of the coming season.
They say "Listen to the rain in all of its glittering brokenness. It knows more about falling than anyone else."
You and I could lay in the grass for hours and let the smell seep into our pounding hearts and still, I couldn't memorize why you ever fell out of love with me.
Maybe the rain does.
Claire Elizabeth Feb 2018
It's been a while
Since I've sipped from the warm lips of that coffee shop we loved together
In case you've forgotten, I like to try the chai of every single new place I go, to see if it contains the same wholeness as the others

I've learned that I do not show affection like I used to, with grabbing hands and tender eyes
No, I pull the tendrils of adoration back into my throat and coil them between my reserved palms until I have someone to dress in my gentle love again

At this point in time, I do not miss anyone as much as I did a year ago
Meaning: I might still miss him but I've forgotten what it was like to wring my happiness from his grey eyes and his dancing laughter
Meaning: I've mustered up all the strength in my weary heart to forget the videos of us being so in love it hurt

My smile comes easier now, not like the glaring sun on a summer day, but like the hesitant shimmer after a rain shower
I can stay awake for longer because I don't wish to sleep the days away quite as much
The nights bring me comfort in the sense that they know more about being lonely than even I do

At this moment in time, I am not a girl like you knew me, small and dependent and bossy and too independent, all at once
I am a bigger, warmer, friendlier, meaner, tougher, all at once
If before I was a lamb, I am by no means a lion, but I am by no means any less than a star
263 · Aug 2015
Love you to death
Claire Elizabeth Aug 2015
Somehow I thought I could be six feet underground and still love you to death

*But I've figured out that once you're buried that deep, you can't dig yourself out.
It's been over and sometimes the thought still crosses my mind.
261 · Jun 2014
Growing Pains
Claire Elizabeth Jun 2014
I'm so sad that my body aches with it
I think it's telling me that things aren't right anymore
That maybe things can't be fixed
And it's nights like this where I want nothing more than to vanish
From the face of the earth
I used to be happy only a moment ago
But it flies away into the clouds that you take pictures of
Where all you see is beauty
But really it's just a bunch of water droplets that have collected
To form a whole
And you see the sun like it's your God
But you aren't a flower and you aren't beautiful like one either
Not anymore
The storm we just had ripped your petals off
And you just stood there trying to take pictures
Smiling
Laughing
Wondering about
How something so wonderful could lose its charm after it hails

*I was wondering the same thing
260 · Jan 2018
Letters to You (Pt 2)
Claire Elizabeth Jan 2018
Dear old light,
old "what-if",
old "The One",

I wish I could remember more about our trip to Chicago. I think that I was so lost in the sheer lovesickness of it all. The long long days spent in that busy city, and the nights that I swear I could feel God inside me when we made love in our dreams.

If I had maybe paid a little more attention to the way you stared out at the lake and waited for the tide to take you, or maybe if I had taken more notice of the way your mouth didn't smile all the way, we'd be a different part of our lives right now. I thought I was the only one. I thought I was the only one.

I've asked the question so many times it's like the thought never leaves, but why did you keep on persuading me that I was your sun and moon when she was lingering on the back of your tongue while I kissed you with too much hunger and too little love? You should have left me alone, should have left me to starve on the side of my dimly lit road. But if I remember correctly, you devoured me with just as much greed as my body was willing to give.

I'm.....not as bitter. As I used to be. But that doesn't mean I'm not bitter at all. "I forgive you" would sound sweet coming out of my mouth except if I gave you that, you'd keep pulling more from the pits of my stomach and my heart. Or maybe I'd just keep throwing it up.

With some sort of forgiveness,
Claire
*(past regret)
260 · Aug 2015
Untitled
Claire Elizabeth Aug 2015
There's a fire in his eyes that was never in yours
His mouth sets in a grim line when he concentrates
A straight and narrow path that traverses the curves of his face
However, your lips were molded into a perpetual smile
One that simply wound about various edges and holes

And I'm thinking that it's time I differ to the straight and narrow for once
Maybe it will be more friendly
258 · Dec 2014
DYING
Claire Elizabeth Dec 2014
SOMETIMES IT GETS REALLY HARD
TO BREATH AND SOMETIMES I THINK
IM DYING BUT I FIGURE THAT I DIED
AWHILE AGO AND YOURE THE
RESPIRATOR THATS KEEPING ME
ALIVE
256 · Nov 2014
space lessons
Claire Elizabeth Nov 2014
Lie with me among the stars
And the rings of Saturn shall hold us together and keep us from falling
The dust that gathers on the precipice of your eyelashes
Is from all the collapsing galaxies out there
But we weren't one
May the light that emanates from the rivulets of fire shooting from the sun
Be enough to show us what heat really is
And how badly it can hurt
253 · Apr 2019
endless cycles
Claire Elizabeth Apr 2019
The crying stops eventually
The sadness does not

When the night grabs ahold of my lapels and shakes me until my mind rattles, I submit and hang limply from its fingers until it drops me onto my pillow to rot until the morning.

And morning comes and reminds me that even with sunlight the sadness does not stop. It grabs my cheeks and stares me in the eyes until I remember to breathe and then it pushes me away into the abyss of late afternoon where the first tendrils of night begin to reach for my collar once more.

The endless cycle of being too alive for feeling so empty.
253 · May 2018
The Haunts
Claire Elizabeth May 2018
Poetry is written by the haunts that crawl from their caves in the dead of night

I am no different
250 · Mar 2014
I didn't feel
Claire Elizabeth Mar 2014
did you know that when we were together
i didn't feel inferior to you
when you held my hand or brushed against my arm
i didn't feel inferior to you
did you know that when i saw you
i didn't feel afraid of anything
when you held my gaze
i didn't feel afraid of anything
did you know that when you kissed me
i felt beautiful
when you laughed
i felt beautiful
did you know that when we were together
i didn't feel alone
i didn't feel alone
246 · Aug 2015
Good Reason Or Not
Claire Elizabeth Aug 2015
I can't feel my fingers
Because they're still tangled in the memories we made
And i can't find a way to undo the knots wrapped tight around my hands
and i can't help but wish some days that i could tell you how i'm doing
and ask how you're doing
but it doesn't work like that
because when people stop talking
it stays like that
whether it be for good reason or not
I'm listening to old music i dug up from the depths of my Spotify playlists and it's reminding me of the days when i thought we were invincible. I used to think he put the stars in the sky. I can't imagine why now.
242 · Jan 2018
what sadness is like
Claire Elizabeth Jan 2018
I speak of you like god and that
is what sadness is like

Love is the constant notion that
your heart carries in its rhythm but
never breaths a word about to
anyone but your soul

If wishing you were here was as
easy as wishing you weren't then I'd
be wishing you out of your little
reserved room in my past as quickly
as I wished you in

To end it all, I'd say you were the
toughest thing I've had to choke
down into the depths of my war-torn
stomach but did that stop me from
swallowing all of your sadness
along with you?

*Certainly not.
241 · Nov 2017
This Body I Inhabit
Claire Elizabeth Nov 2017
This body I inhabit
It's seen 19 years worth of wear and tear
Mostly tear

I tell myself that this skin covering me
Is beautiful
A protector of my being

But I do not love it
I don't love this body I live in
That I breathe in

It's made me feel insecure
Afraid of my innards
Forced me to cover it

I do not love my stomach
Or my thighs
With their unappealing size

I do not love my arms
Or my ankles
With a little too much extra

And I do not love my skin
A road map of acne scars and
Fresh stress breakouts

I no longer want the body I was given
I don't want this thing I live in
Give me something I love
239 · Feb 2018
Endings
Claire Elizabeth Feb 2018
i. the world doesn’t know what time is. it has no sense of lovers falling apart after 3 years of loving. it doesn’t feel the clocks turning or the people ageing. it lives in a quiet routine of breathing and sighing its discontent into the oceans and into its angry volcanos. and it continues turning without the notion that its rock show age far before its waters do.

ii. do you regret what decisions you’ve made? looking back, i really wasn’t the one for you. but that doesn’t mean i didn’t try my hardest to believe we were all that existed. when you look in the mirror, does your reflection let you know that you’ve lost a little too much? I could have told you that myself.

iii. dogs like dying alone. it’s some sort of ancient pack instinct. weakness is hidden, death is quiet and discreet. i wonder if that’s why people start separating themselves before they shut off. death is a lonely thing. especially when all you have is yourself. the least you could let me do is hold your hand.

iv. you left me in a few short words and a text. you didn’t come visit me. you didn’t even give me the half-hearted dignity of a phone call. were you with her as you broke my heart? was she dousing you with shots of whiskey, telling you that it was the right thing? if you got closure, then at least one of us got what we wanted.

v. i’ve never been left behind by a bus or anything. i don’t miss my opportunities very often. but you were the first thing to ever leave me behind. even when i yelled and waved my arms. i’d never missed an opportunity until i started missing you.
236 · Dec 2014
home
Claire Elizabeth Dec 2014
i think that if someone asked me where home was
i'd say
"in your arms."
but then i'd be homeless.
236 · May 2019
trauma
Claire Elizabeth May 2019
To be a poet there needs to be a tragedy
A trauma hidden in the endless folds of your cowering mother's skirts,
A great happening in the form of your father's alcoholism and abusive tendencies.

Or that's what they say.

I have no trauma. No grief-stricken past with needle-sharp memories that ***** my eyes like tears when I go to bed every night.

Who's to say that in order to feel this deep sense of nothing that there needs to be a huge something that came before it? What if there's a happy childhood and a beautifully achieved mother married to a gruff but grateful father and two dogs with lolling tongues and a house with the perfect screened in porch that the poet spent hours with her dad on, reading the rites of childhood competency disguised as "Goodnight Moon" and "I'll Love You Forever"?

I have no trauma, no stomach twisting horror that made me realize my ****** was best torn out of me or that being a mother is pain inside of its own pain? I am a poet but am I real poet if I don't talk about the night I almost threw up the memories of my smiling father into my transparent hands, just because I felt too sad to deserve them? Am I real poet if I can't write about tearing the thought of my dog lazing in the sun on the perfect edge of an afternoon out of my head just because something so pure was never meant for something like me, something so unpure.

To be a poet there needs to be a tragedy
A trauma tangled in the Great Awakening of teen angst and the realization of all that is not your mother's soft voice waking you up every sunrise
A great happening in the form of losing all sense of self and filling the Void with the copper taste of pennies and nights that border on mornings.
234 · Sep 2014
make me dead
Claire Elizabeth Sep 2014
please put your hands around my neck
i need to feel like i'm choking from someone rather than nothing
make me feel like i'm being crushed by by a weight
because right now i'm being crushed by loneliness
give me a physical entity to hate rather than a feeling i just miss
put me in a sauna
that would be more bearable than the heat of your stare
please
make me feel like i've died inside because
that would feel a whole lot better than feeling like
i have just a shell
232 · Mar 2014
we were closer before
Claire Elizabeth Mar 2014
i woke up with puffy lips
i think were kissing in my dream last night
or maybe it's just my imagination
but yesterday you stood
closer
than you have before
don't think i'm going to
bring you back in to my chest
what's going to change anything
now compared to
before?
i'm not going to make exceptions
for people i used to love
so sorry
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