I’m
Still left somewhere in last week at the bar in between drinks
When you so casually claimed
“you know I love you”
somewhere between my heart stopping and feeling like it got plunged with a needle full of adrenaline
“you know I don’t ever wanna make you mad I just wanna make you laugh”
my smile felt somewhere between triumphant and pride
ecstatic and overwhelmed
It’s like the smoke cleared out and centered around you
why are you all I see?
how are you all that I see still?
I told you once that you have a power over me and to this day it’s still true.
I can deny it until I’m blue in the face and I have no more air in my lungs- but it’s true
But….. you love me.

I got you
I actually won this prize
I can’t get out of this haze I’ve been in and I can’t stop seeing the way your hands were moving when you told me.
your shy smile. your earnestness in your eyes.
I’ve never fought to be so relevant in someone’s life the way I fight for a spot in yours, the claws that come out when that spot is threatened feel so sharp and steadfast
Like they’d take on any and everything to be near you
And you love me.

It’s a relief and terrifying at one time. cause you can confess a love that makes flowers bloom in my chest but proclaim that love isn’t real in the next breath, so what is it that you’re trying to say? That the love you feel for me isn’t as cemented as mine feels for you? I’ve stifled my love for you, I’ve proclaimed it to you, I’ve held it steady for you, and in my heart it’s only you that holds this love and I’m not scared to give it to you, but the love you’re handing me… I’m petrified and proud to be responsible for it. It’s a heady thing, your love. I don’t want to hurt you.

you are a the hit of nicotine that I keep saying I'm going to quit but crave until I feel the smoke hit my lungs. you're so bad for me but still so good because when I imagine you moving on and sharing your arms and humor with someone else, I see red. When I imagine you becoming a husband I feel my own heart break. why? I know I have the power to create something out of us, but when I'm with HIM all I do is keep my eyes on him and just want his attention on me. When he talks I love that his inner thoughts are for me and his jokes are mine. When he talks to another female I get possessive and imagining him out of my life is unthinkable. I can't picture a life without him being my best friend. His love has always consumed me, but YOU breathed a different feeling in me that has turned me from a puppet for his love to someone who isn't afraid to challenge him and for that I don't know wether to praise you and stay or thank you and leave.

"I like you too much"
"I think it's more than that"
"No"
"I do. I think you more than like me"
"I don't"
"I think so"
"..You have too much control over me"
"I know"