flowers flying on the breeze

sunlight dancing through the trees

ripples moving through a stream

strange that this is all a dream


symmetry and synchrony

entropy and empathy

can't believe how real this seems

strange that this is all a dream

O my heart
the night is dark

bless my soul
the night is cold

Look up!
the sky is full of stars

I have never felt such hope

cut my claws
cover my teeth
monster watching
underneath

innocent on the outside
darling
look into my eyes

I do not know who or what else
but our god is a god of death
who built us all to stumble
built the Universe itself to crumble

from our viewpoint
we who perceive time
as a moving arrow

ours is a god of falling dice
of falling sand
of falling sparrows

the children of entropy
the stones and trees
the Moon
the sea
the air in every breath
and even we ourselves are born of death

we fear for everything we are
in fear we walk
as fallen stars

tremble before the night beyond
tremble before the face of god

some light is reflected
some light shines right through

I am the illusion
of not being you

we see our own soul
and not what really is

we walk in the shadow
of all that exists

what happens when your
"good enough"
is just a rainbow you can walk toward
just a star that you can reach for
not a mountain you can climb

and though you reach out in longing
though you walk for miles and miles
the way still leads forever on
the same place in a different time

no matter how much you achieve
it never will be "good enough"
and so you walk away from love
far too afraid to even try

but if you could
forgive yourself
the same way you forgive another
I bet you could climb that mountain
all the way into the sky

how can we worship time
when it hunts us down like animals?

how can we curse its name
when it brought our world to life?

the way that I perceive it
time is neither good nor evil

it is just as much a part of us
as love and dance and night

they told us you were lost forever
never to come back
I prayed to all the gods to bring you back
I never knew which one to thank

or maybe no one answered
as you crossed over the night
and inch by inch
built your own bridge to life

I am just glad you are alive

sometimes I am afraid
to put my thoughts down onto paper
how do I make something normal?
how do I make something good?

afraid what I create
will turn out just as flawed as I am
just as morally ambiguous
as dimly understood

the need to be oblique
about how I'm unique
a freak

tangles the thread of thought so thoroughly
I am afraid to speak

I find
repressing my own mind
and second-guessing every confession

self censorship that slices
like a scythe
into my writing's spine

once the Moon filled our horizon
even greater than the Sun

do you think we remember fire
and dragons falling one by one?

a message following along
primordial and wordless song
of Eden where we once belonged

how deep
how long
our river runs

I know where you came from
and I'm not here to judge
I know sometimes the road was hard
sometimes there was no road at all

when you kept walking through that storm
I know how much that took
just take a breath
lay down your head
I see how far you've come

when I see you
take a step

maybe it's a baby step

but I think it's important that
you took the time
to take that step

I'm here

I see you
taking steps

maybe one forward
and one back

but I forgive you
don't look back

breathe

and take another step

It really hurt my soul
To feel that I was not enough
To know that I was not enough
for you

But I guess no one was

No matter what you do
Nothing will ever be enough for you
Alone
A hungry ghost
I think that's punishment enough

He always wants the best
And thinks that he deserves the best
Even better than the best
You do your best
But then what's next?

You find somebody else
I guess

and in the end
it's for the best

To find a different man
To find someone who doesn't think like that

I know it in my heart
Even the perfect woman
Could never be enough

Nothing could ever be enough

But to walk away from him
And not give in
And still feel love

Some things are so hard to give up

Not walking
More like climbing up

I did OK
just OK

that was good enough today

the kind of mind
that organizes
chaos into storylines

the kind of mind
that draws a line
in the sand
and between the stars

the kind of mind
that smashes a kaleidoscope
and cuts itself to ribbons
making sparkling mosaics
from the broken parts

the kind of mind
that asks a question
and then dreams the answer

the kind of mind
that teaches a computer
to make art

the kind of mind
that looks into the sky
and sees an alpha
and an after

everything means something
I can feel it in my heart

behold
the Sun is ours again
here where the stars that never set
light up the way back from the West
horizon---with---no---end---in---sight
here where the twilight lasts all night
we stand and watch that eerie light
wander across the northern sky
into the East to rise again

sometimes you have to be the one
to reach out your hand in forgiveness
be the one to break the silence
be the one to take that step

though your senses may suggest
that no one dares to be defenseless
no one cares to mend fences
sometimes you have to be the one

keep it up
keep on hoping

sleep with one eye open

cause a man that you can steal
is a man that can be stolen

what are you so afraid of?
what are you so afraid I will do?
what are you afraid I will say to you?
pathetic little coward

take your empty pride
and pour your poison and rage and spite in it
dig a hole in your hate and hide in it
you ******* little coward

love is a gift
it's not something you earn
it's not something you get
because you deserve

love isn't the validation you dream of
if somebody loves you
it means they can love

love is not a deal
love is not a trade
love cannot be unfelt
love cannot be unmade

love sees through all your faults
love knows you are enough
love is gentle
do not be afraid
to be loved

If you have nothing more to say
Why should I stay?
I turn away

If you don't care
Then it is done
And you will never be the one

What do you have to offer me?
I throw you back into the sea

I don't care if you learn
I turn away
And I will not return

if I am objective
I have dodged a bullet

and somebody else
can be chained to a liar

if I am objective
this was a step forward

but it was a step
into torture and fire

if I were objective
then I could look further

and see possibilities
come into view

you objectified me
and if I'd been objective

I would have objected
and said no to you

you wanted my silence
and still you want more
scream into the wind
that I wasn't your *****

gather your roses
a fistful of thorns
I will be silent
when you reap the storm

if there were no violence
we'd have no word for peace

if there were no tension
then there would be no release

if there were no stars
there would be no name for night

only in the darkness
can we understand the light

it's easy to stand up
to people who hate us

the only thing holding us back
is our fear

but it's harder to stand up
to people who love us

who are not aware
of their toxic behavior

and likely would cry
if they knew how they hurt us

now that is a real ******* balancing act

I might look like
I'm standing still
but I am fighting
tooth and nail

Wish you could see
how hard I try
so you'd forgive me
when I fail

I wish I more than seemed
to rest
Feels like the day
is never done

I wish you could
put on my shoes
and find out how it feels
to run

I smile
so I don't have to lie

I seem
so I don't have to be

I drink
so I don't have to think

I write
so I don't have to scream

take a chance
take a guess
take over the world
take away people's money
so they can't survive

sometimes you have fire
machetes and knives
sometimes tell the truth
and sometimes you can lie

solve a maze
solve a riddle
remember the code

stay in the middle
stay on the road

sometimes you defend
sometimes you attack
sometimes you live once
and sometimes you come back

go alone
or with friends

make a move
make a plan

make a knight
or a queen
when you get to the end

save the ship
save the girl
save the score
save the world

all the same game
but there's more than one way to win

I remember
when I found out

what
not who but what
god is

it hit me like a ton of bricks
when I felt it

not He
but it

and that was so surreal
to feel

to realize
that god is real

no name
no face
no soul
only control

god does not know

god is
.

it hurts my soul
to be so alone
in the cold for so long
out here all on my own

set myself up for failure
chasing the Moon
that's how it feels
when I reach out to you

if I could let somebody
get close to me
how can I even know
just how good it could be?

I don't know how it feels
but I want that for me
I don't know if I can
but I want to believe

I'm not so good
at letting go
and when I care
I let it show

it takes so much more
mental effort
just to say
"OK whatever"

than to plan and scheme and work
and dream of ways
to make you smile

I promise I'll let go of you
but it will take me
quite some while

you didn't break my heart
you made me hope

hope like a knife
that opened up my soul

hope warmed me like a fire
and made me feel again

I feel the cold

I feel the weight of being so alone

hope drove me though
I was afraid to start

hope shared with you my fears
my dreams
my art

hope brighter than the Sun
that burned my eyes
till there were no more stars

and now
alone
I truly know the dark

I cannot let people in
I cannot let you get through
I cannot take down these walls
I do not know what to do

I built these walls for a reason
Looking back it all makes sense
I learned not to share myself
Naive misguided self defense

Now I have outgrown this prison
I don't want to be alone
How can I convince myself
That I am worthy to be known?

This is an act of defiance
Walls can't stop me when I write
No doors here
But words are windows
Screaming out into the night

when I wear the shoes you want
I can't walk very far

when I wear the shoes you want
I can't walk quietly at all

when I wear the shoes you want
I can't outrun you anymore

someone that you can control

I think that is what you want

maybe I am drawn to darkness
so that I can be a light

the small feather that tips the scales
between "I cannot" and "I might"

a strange encounter that resets you
just enough to stay and fight
for one more night

maybe enough time to decide
to stay alive

I know that door
I've been locked in before
but now I have the keys

I hope that I can help you heal
or keep you safe from harm at least

I wish that I could be that voice
that you could follow back to peace

I walk at night
carry my light
and call to you

come walk with me

there was a man
who climbed a mountain
all the way into the clouds

and the Buddha walked beside him
silent
he said not one word

when he reached the top
the man saw
the mountain was made of skulls

not only human
but of every other kind of animal

the Buddha turned to him and said
"you will understand the Dharma

only when you understand
that these are all your skull."

we are an infinite                regress
    of reflections and           refractions
    of actions and         reactions
         complex       fractions
of interference     patterns    
and mathematical    interactions  
intricately intersecting    connections      
   branching on   tracks
through the     confusing   profusion       
of this soothing     illusion   we create      
            of reality     being a   place         
tessellating in   parallel  space   
               like an  abstract fractal  
in an interdimensional tesseract
reflecting back on itself forever

we walk boldly
through a world
where we can be killed
by a drop of water
a grain of sand

we move mountains
and destroy rivers
determined to become gods
burning down eden
to tear down the stars

but in all our power
we are like children
alone in the night
we tremble
at the open question of darkness
and weep with naked fear

Cassiopeia seems to melt
from the sky
to the ink black sea

radiant luminescent beams
a fiery crown for a dark Queen

but that pale fire is strange and green
and nothing like what I have seen

all the way from the horizon
to above my airplane window
this unearthly apparition
shows the shape of one dark wing

glowing
hovering and growing
moving like a living thing

in my mind and to my eye

alien
aware
alive

a strange and bright and haunting sight
a hundred miles
above the sea

I am what I call I
and I am limited
bilateral
a labyrinth of memories
a galaxy of minerals

I am what I call I
infinitesimal
ephemeral
a dream of being separate
from all the other chemicals

I am what I call I
and I am living
biological
a symphony
of static electricity and molecules

but when I look behind
the many mirrors of my mind
I am the world
I am the sky
I am more than what I call I

I wonder who is watching us
and where
and with what eyes

shimmering like an oasis
in the desert of the sky

whispering into the darkness
a strange symphony of light

trembling with sound and fury
in the silence of the night

where did we come from
stones and stars
and why are we the way we are
will we all learn the truth one day
does anybody know the way

is the light on the other side
alive
a dagger of the mind
a warning sign
a glitch in time
why is it so bright
who decides

will we still fight when we are beat
are we a secret we can keep
will we know if we go too deep
is life a language we can speak

will we live on beyond the Sun
where to
and what will we become
we know no matter which direction
we will have so many questions

Every action
and reaction

Level and endeavor

In the end
it's all just echoes
that reverberate forever
ever

Everything we know
and everything
we say and do

In the end
it's all just memories

and I'll remember you

we all give             but we find
         so much time          we are all            
    just to find          just a moment
who we are               in time  

we are all only here for a while
we are all just a moment
so I'll take a moment
to smile

I am made of energy
evolving into light

I am a wave
a galaxy

revolving in the night

we turn away from other days
we make it brave
to stay alive

we curse the old
almost as if to say
"How dare you have survived?"

is this a way to hedge our bets
to guard us from our fear of death?

do we believe we will forget?
do we confuse "no" and "not yet"?

and why are we surprised to see
that those who were
were just like we

who swear that we will always stay
the same way
that we are today?

and I am sure they also swore
they would be new
forevermore

we know the score

but all the same
we dare to live another day