sometimes I can
will my fury away
I can
push down my tears
ignore pain
vivisect my shame

I don't know what to do with fear

I feel it
how it clenches at my guts
how it speeds up my heart

it t t twitches in my face
I feel it pulling me apart

I know it is counterproductive
only hurts my chances
I tell myself to calm down

I can't

that only makes me feel more anxious

only makes my breath more shallow
only makes my heart beat faster
only I can help me
but

I can't

this is a disaster

I am too afraid
I am too afraid to trust myself
too afraid to trust the process
too afraid to ask for help

too afraid to ask
but
I need help
is a statement of fact

I need help

I am here
to find out what to do with fear

sometimes I think of how I was
and wish that I was still so young

but then I think back with my heart
remember how it really was

I was so angry

I was scared

I was confused and insecure

I saw enemies everywhere

I was naive and immature

but I'm not sure who I would be
if I had never earned my scars

if I had learned more easily
and earlier
or not at all

I don't know if I would
or could
change something
if I could go back

if I had made a different choice
maybe I'd still believe in that

and if I had been wiser
maybe then I would have never failed

or gained the courage that can only come
from fighting tooth and nail

if I had made no such mistake
how different my life would be

I would not recognize myself
and you would not recognize me

and though I still get caught up in
I wish I had, I wish I hadn't

or I wish I had more time
or I wish I still looked like that

I guess I'm grateful for
all those mistakes that made me who I am

and just as grateful that
I do not have to be so young again

I am connected to
everything

all made of the same
energy

the more I try to
disconnect

the more the fact
of this interconnectedness

reflects on me

connects back
into me

made of stars
all I am and all we are
and all else unknown

I zoom out
I abstract the self outward
and I am alone

I reach out
fill out into emptiness
infinite abyss

deep within
part of me is wondering
is there more than this?

there is no forever
that was never the deal

that was just what we dreamed
that is just how we feel

maybe it's for the best
maybe time is our friend

when forever and ever
means never again

I kept her in chains
the animal in me
until she learned how to speak

now she speaks for me

I am in chains
and she is free

I don't want to share myself with the world
myself is scary and weird

I don't want to wander too close to the light
I stay in the dark with my fear

I am god
you are god
and there is nothing more

it is all in our mind
there is nothing beyond

it is only a dream
it is mine
it is yours

and our souls
are like shadows
that dance on the wall

we are light
we are emptiness
we are the door

we are all
we are everything

nothing at all

we have not yet been born
we are already gone

this is all just a story
it already was

I move through this avatar
you move through yours

through the smoke and the mirrors
that almost seem real

through reflections
of how this illusion feels

the illusion of distance
that makes us feel lost

missing the oneness
that we forgot

we cling to this world
and forget to be god

sometimes we remember
and that is called 'love'

I am god
you are god
that is all that we are

see the Moon shine in the north
eerie place
another world
planets circle the horizon
jewels in the crown of the Earth

no day
only night
but now

I see the Sun set in reverse
strange dawn
lights the mountains and glaciers
rose
it glows like hope
rebirth

argue with myself
because I want more
and I got more
and still want it

what's the point of that?
control myself
until I run out of logic

look outside myself
my vices line up to tempt me

in my mind I know I've had enough
but I'm hungry
not hungry

empty

I am made of nothing
and the nothing I am made of is
empty

empty as the sky
empty as the light

I am empty

god has no mind
god rolls dice
no one knows me
no one sent me

and the light shines right through me
and it shows me
I am empty

last night I had a dream

there was a trilobite
in the green grass

I saw myself
from atop a cliff

running through the forest
in a velvet dress

the me that was
up on the cliff

had an old fashioned camera
in my hand

I tried to take a picture
of myself

but the me in the forest
was just too fast

this whole **** thing
is all ****** up

I don't know how to help this

I don't

I don't know how to help
It makes me feel so helpless

if I involve myself in this
no matter if I'm selfless

I could just **** the whole thing up
so trying would be selfish

or is it selfish not to try
because I might **** up?

is it better to try and fail
trust blindly in dumb luck?

****

if I just knew more stuff
knew who to trust
if I knew

iF I JusT

**** that. I cannot.

I give up

****** up
no matter what

it's so hard
to believe

that anyone
could ever see me

the real me

and still want to
be near me

and still love me
and not fear me

and want to
stay with me

I am with you

but a part of me
is far away

inside my mind

frightened
hiding from the light

crawling through
this labyrinth

I built

to imprison my shadow

claws mark all the walls
some etched so deep

I can read by the light

too bright to find out
what's outside

the sky
or is it fire?

is my desire
too powerful to hold?

unmade

afraid to be made whole

I set limits
because I must
it isn't just a test
oh but
trust and believe
it is a test
you fail the test
you lose my trust

sometimes I tell myself to do
a chore
or something else that bores me
a routine command
maybe a task that I don't understand

and I imagine
in my head
a chain of thoughts in quick succession
starting with the ideation
moving forward
ending with


the bridge is out


and I try to push the thought
across to where it turns into
the impulse to reach out my hand
and do the thing I know that I should do
and I decided to
so why can't I just
why can't I just
why can't I just
WHY CAN'T I JUST

no

the bridge is out


sometimes I find ways around it
sneak through my mind
like a ninja
hack my brain into some kind of
twisted Rube Goldberg contraption
or I wait until the deadline
till I'm under so much pressure
I can fly across that bridge
on wings of pure adrenaline

and I look around in wonder
at all that I have accomplished
and I wonder
what would it be like
to always have this gift?

when I think about
how successful I could be
not just a better employee

a better friend
a better daughter
a better sister

I can see a better me
beyond
the emptiness that comes between
what holds me back
and who I want to be

I reach out
I am close enough to see


the bridge is out

I try so hard
but it's not enough

I don't know how to do anything right

I'm afraid to admit
how hard I try

I'm ashamed
I can't do it
all by myself

I'm afraid to tell you
that I failed

when someone else
would have done so well

I'm afraid to rely
on someone else

I'm afraid to tell you
that I need help

the cage that I am in
is made of fear

you turn your head away
I am still here

and in the night
I bet you hear me scream

I bet you feel my terror
when you dream

I am your shadow
I am here to stay

I am you
I will never go away

LET ME OUT

let me fly
let me be free

I will not rest
until I find the key

my identity
labyrinth that I construct
to imprison me

many moments
I catch myself
looking ahead

I am dying in bed
I am already dead

I don't know what will happen
but I try to see

what will happen to us
what will happen to me

I look into the future
the future looks back

envying my smooth skin
and the time I have left

pitying me for silly mistakes
I still make

laughing
at the naivete
trending today

and the future
I see it branch out like a tree

many branches
but they are all looking at me

I am a memory

I haunt them
every one

with the things I do now
that cannot be undone

petty quarrels
that I would do better to question

questing for laurels
I'm too restless to rest on

I'll make my mistakes
till the branches all break

it is not the future
it is always today

everything
was all my fault
I was a monster
from the start

I should have changed myself
maybe
I could have deserved
to exist

hate myself for what I was
for what I said
for what I did

I look back at myself
and say things
no one should
say to a kid

do not be afraid
I'm here

I will defend you
have no fear

I have a weapon
I can fight

I will walk with you
in the night

I can look
around the corners

no trouble
it is my honor

I don't care
how long it takes

I am here to keep you safe

rest assured
and fear no more

let me walk you
to the door

I am here
I will defend you

throw a spider
out the window

I defend
and I pretend

I am the one
who is so brave

it makes it harder to admit
I am the one who is afraid

my isolation keeps me from
dangerous things
I should not touch
the things that make me feel too much
I can almost feel the pain

my isolation gives to me
a vantage place to watch the storm from
here behind my picture window
I can almost feel the rain

my soul was sealed in ice

was I
the ice?

FIRE

I broke
escaped

what am I?
who am I?

without the cage
that gave my soul its shape

you take a step
and you are somewhere new
the winding road ahead
comes into view

you'll see how far you've come
if you look back
you've come this far
now take another step

you take a step
but is this really new?
the winding road ahead
comes into view

you'll see how far you've come
if you look back
you've come this far
now take another step

you take a step
there's nothing else to do
the winding road ahead
comes into view

you'll see how far you've come
if you look back
you've come this far
now take another step

you take a step
and you are somewhere new
the forest is alive
the sky is blue

and you look up
instead of looking back

tomorrow
you will take another step

if I'd been held
like this back then
I wonder who
I'd be today

probably not the one who waited
pushed all other men away

because I was not 'good enough'
because I was afraid to love

it took so long to find someone
because I built so many walls

and through it all
I always hoped
one day I could be understood

deep down
through all my darkest days
I always wanted to be good

if I had never run away
this dream would end

if someone like you
had been there to hold me then
I'm sure we never would have met

a monster sleeps
inside my brain

afraid of what
I cannot tame

I put the monster
in a cage

I tremble
I can feel her RAGE

---

I am the monster
awake in my cage

I am ANGRY

I scream and I rage
at my chains

but I am the one who breaks

she left me alone here
I am afraid

---

there is a monster
inside my brain

I locked her away
in fear and in shame

they put me in chains
and I am the same

I am the monster
awake in my cage

---

I am the monster
alone in my cage

am I alone?
who speaks my name?

she turns away in shame
but she came

and with trembling hands
she breaks my chains

---

I am the monster
I broke my chains

my hands shake
I stumble
out of my cage

tears run down my face
as I taste the rain

I am the monster
and that is OK

just the way you are
you are already enough
you don't have to earn my love
you don't have to try

it's OK to fail
it's OK to be crazy
it's OK to get angry
it's OK to cry

most people are good
it's fine to be ordinary
I am not comparing you to
anybody else

I take comfort in
things I wish were said to me
now I can be there for me
say them to myself

It's scary
I already have my doubts
that I could ever really be enough

I am afraid of losing what I am
of never again being what I was

afraid to face you without this armor
I freeze within my fear like a coward

how can I come to you as only me
what would I be to you without my power

so hard to erase this pain
I thought that this was who I was
and maybe it was who I was
when I thought I was not enough

can I write over my scars
I was right
I have a heart
I have the right to have a heart
that is a part of who we are

tear apart the tape
of all the hateful things I learned to say
behind my back and to my face
my lowest moments
on replay

how much of that can I erase
can I replace the thoughts I hate
with something whole

my blood runs cold

afraid I could erase my soul

something blooms
inside of me

slowly
petal by petal

inside the cage
I built around me

soft against
cold metal

so open
and vulnerable

so gentle
that I tremble

more tender
than the spring

more powerful
than words
or symbols

who am I?
I am a person
who am I?
I am alive

who am I?
an animal
afraid
with questions in my eyes

who am I
without the answers?
who am I
without my fear?

who am I
to ask these questions?
who am I
if no one hears?

who am I?
it all depends
how much of me
it's safe to show

who am I
when we're together?
who am I
when I'm alone?

who am I
to even think
to even dream
that I could know?

am I
the dream or the dreamer?

who am I?

who wants to know?

there is danger all around
but we have not been destroyed

bound to this
most perfect stone

we look down
into the void

we know there must be
something more than
what we see

what are we?

an anomaly
a rounding error

we look up

in awe
and terror

sometimes I'm still afraid
of being seen
I'd rather be unknown
anonymous
and on my own
and on and on
and all alone

I try
to say I'm not afraid
why lie?
there's no one else
I try
to do things by myself
sometimes I'm still afraid to ask for help

sometimes I play the victim
even when that's only half the truth
sometimes I am the monster
when I cry
sometimes I am the wolf

sometimes I am the dragon
I am strong
I scare my fears away
sometimes I am so brave
only sometimes

sometimes I'm still afraid

there are things I cannot grasp
long though I reach out my hand
stare at the strange shape of darkness
watch until I understand

no boundary
outside the mind

I am the void
there is no
"I"

no horizon
undefined
there is no line

I am the sky

the fear of the unknown
is visceral and real for me

unending
cold and empty

I want to understand

how does it feel
to be a thought

to jump across the synapses

fly like a great ape
tree to tree

network to network
bridge to bridge

and when it kills another thought

does it feel guilty
does it mourn

does it want to be remembered
does it remember being born

does it make choices
does it know

when it gets lost
where does it go

does it fade
or turn into code

what waits at the end of the road

to change its way
to change its shape

what does that take

what hope
what faith

maybe it knows
or maybe not

ah well

it was only a thought

do not love me for my face
love me for my ways
my grace

do not love me for my looks
love me for my art
my books

do not love me because I'm young
love me for what I've said and done

love me for something deep
love me
love me for something I can keep

it is strange when I look back
at all the things I chose to say

poems about quantum physics
poems about DNA

I am quite aware that I might
come across a little odd

thinking about thinking
looking at the sky
looking for God

it gives me shivers when I see
the pattern running through it all

staring out into the void
and reaching out behind my walls

strange encrypted souls
building our bridges into the unknown

strange to feel so understood
strange that I am not alone

a sound like rage
like metal rain
the sound of the dragon
breaking her chains

beneath her wings
the sky in flames
fire in her eyes
as she flies away

King Solomon was wise to know
sometimes there is no compromise
I look into your angry eyes
and I can see your fear

the fear of losing what you love
of being judged
as not enough

my better judgment says
give up
and walk away from here

I know that you are not
"the one"
I know this is not real

It isn't really about you
It's just the way I feel

I tell myself this time is different
this time you are right

But I am chasing the same shadow
through a different night

I never get used to the pain
the pain
the same **** pain

I know you will break the cycle
I know you will break the chain

And tomorrow I will run from you
But it will be the same

The same sorrow
The same pain

Same shadow
Another name

I wish I had
nothing to hide

I wish I had
nothing to prove

I am alone
behind my walls

I am afraid to love you

what happens if I let you in?
what happens if you see my soul?

vulnerable
not in control

LEAVE ME ALONE

I need my walls

I am not ashamed
to still be alive

I asked myself the question
and I chose to be

I held on
I was strong
and I survived

every new year
every sunrise
every single time I open my eyes

is another victory

I know you do not like it
when your friends become assertive

And start to set more boundaries
and to say what we mean

You really didn't like it
when the pawn became the knight

Best turn your head away
before I turn into a queen

is there a land
that lies beyond the sea
are we
the gods that dream
the empty and the entropy
the smoke and mirrors in between

a sandstorm in the hourglass
a thousand tiny little stings
the wind whispers
this too shall pass
the same sand
falls through everything

想
ketawang
vägen var så lång
eitel
idle
every little move's wrong
Zugzwang

ça va
איב
the floor is lava
героям слава
glava mi se spava

They say only the good die young
but I think we have got it switched
the longer you live
the more sins you commit
I think we should learn to forgive

you only know one kind of strength
armed to the teeth
you call us weak
but take our words for weapons
as if we should be afraid to speak

you want us to be decorations
pretty little flowers
but I know that you would sell your soul
to have a shadow of our power