existence
everything
is the expression
of the essence
of what is
is it transcendent?
no one knows
we know
it is what is

and it is within
everything
in all of its expressions
not one aspect
not one fragment
not one fraction
the whole fractal

light and shadow

time and energy
and all their interactions
every action
is a fraction
of a causal chain
of infinite reactions

everything that we
look forward to
and back on
and react to
is all stacked up
like the turtles
the world stands on the back of

and in the space
between the vectors
there's a shape
there's a shadow
there's a force
there's a field
there's a push
there's a pull
there's a presence

there's a pattern
in the echoes
of the echoes
of the echoes

every echo
is another event
to reflect on

and the essence
of that presence
is reflected
into everything
in synergy
with the heavens
waves in the energy
woven together

and the void
and the silence
and the senselessness
and the violence
are no less
an expression
of that essence

is it OK to want that?

I ask myself that much too much

desires I'm afraid to touch

I keep them at a distance

I lock them up

with chains of fear

I cannot look at that

not here

not now

not I

that is not me

I look away

I cannot see

I cannot be

this person that I fear and hate

I can't relate

to all the parts of me

that I dissociate from

hide away from

all the things I should not be

that make me feel

afraid of me

I cast away

but where I turn

away from me

I cast my shadow

do you ever wonder if you will
remember this

will this moment live on in you
when you reminisce

all the anger of today
how long will you stay ******

and the one you love today
will you still want to kiss

I look back
some days are blank
what did I live them for

why did I turn my head away
how much did I ignore

if you ask me what I did
a year ago
last September

there is nothing that stands out
was there nothing to remember?

or maybe I have memories
but don't remember when

it becomes a part of me
and all the edges blend

all a seamless tapestry
of memory in my head

woven into me so smoothly
that I can't see the threads

or sometimes
I live the same day again and again

I can't place the memory
because there is no 'when'

sometimes I don't record the memory
why should I even bother

when life is a sentence
I write over and over

or sometimes I don't remember
because I was distracted

caught up in my thoughts again
instead of interacting

hiding away in my head
because I belong here

blocking out the world
like a ******* zombie

sometimes I am a coward
living in chains

I turn my head away
because I am ashamed

I don't care to remember
who I was
who I am

but I'm in every single memory
that I have

and I can't go back
and be someone else

but I can find a better way
of interacting with myself

even if I'm not the person that I want to be
yet

I can learn to forgive
instead of forget

turn away from the screen
instead of from life

be present
be in this moment
be alive

today
tomorrow
this September

it's time to live a life
that I am going to remember

one who steps
between

me
and
someone I protect

will find

I am a monster

yes

I am a monster
who learned to be kind

I am savage
underneath

I am and I will always be

so please step back
be safe

and pray
you never meet

that side of me

hope is a flower
not bloomed yet
the tenderest part
of the plant

vulnerable
I tremble
quiver
every heartbeat
makes me shiver

every whisper
dewdrop
river

fills the maelstrom
in my head

the day is new
the storm is past
reach out my hand
in hope
again

another poem about fear

to write it all out
helps me cope

I've felt like that a lot this year

and when I talk about it
people tell me I should just let go

but I can't

and I hold my terror close
almost as if it were
a shield

against this storm

that is made
of my words

the stories that I tell myself

not of the things that are
but of the things that could

I tell myself that it's for my own good

that I could only cope
with what might come my way
if I could somehow know

it all

like in a crystal ball
what all lies down the road

where will the sparrows fall
what place is safe to go
where can I grow

where can I go
where I belong
so I don't have to stand alone

and I know
my fear is the storm

and I know

I could let go of it all

if I could only dare
to let go of that hope

with every petal
competing
to be suitable

beautiful

that's god

not evil
but
brutal

words pull strings
and evoke the shape of things
there are no words for

my fear
beats its trembling wings

at the cage
I try to keep it in

fear
turns into swift sharp rage

when danger
steps into the ring

when will I learn?

what is not real
binds me tight
with anxiety

but when the threat is clear
I turn to steel

and I can't feel my fear

I want to know
why I'm afraid

was this choice
a mistake I made?

or was this brave
and necessary?

sometimes good things
can be scary

I don't know
where I am going

there is terror
in not knowing

all I know is
I am here

courage feels the same as fear

I just want to talk about
how I feel

I am confused
by what is real

I chased the truth
down a rabbit hole

and found out things
no one wanted to know

this is the truth:
I am afraid

of time
of the future

of mistakes I made

I'm afraid that I'm too lost
to find my way

afraid of someone I don't trust
I see every day

and that fear turns to anger
when I feel unsafe

I have to stay
I can't escape

a liar
a back biter
and a thief

didn't know my anger
could be this deep

and I have to keep on
moving on

even when I don't feel like
the rational one

reach out
and find out
I'm not alone

not much of a poem
only the bones

poetry is about telling the truth
all the fancy words we use
are just window dressing

who do I trust?
my inner voice?
what happens if I make that choice?

who do I trust?
are you my friend?
sometimes it's easy to pretend

who do I trust
to keep me safe?
one step from a knife in my face

who do I trust?
the government?
to what extent could I dissent?

I look around
and so many things are fake
that model has three hands
AI mistake

that model is a human
but I can't untangle
the lighting the filters the fillers
the edits the angles

they want me to compare
myself to that
to buy their diet pills
cause I think I'm fat

they want me to be
ashamed of myself
to not feel beautiful
without their help

while the algorithm
chases fame and youth
all along we're being told
different versions of the truth

and it makes us angrier
but also tamer
bouncing off the edges
of the echo chamber

performing to reflect
this invisible cage
we learn to conform
while they harvest our rage

and create a safe space
for the powers that be
the hands can't hit
what the eyes can't see

and the pied piper sings
such a catchy song
but my inner voice
says something is wrong

even as I learn to sing along
even as I use it to distract me from my problems

and the algorithm
has seen my soul
and it brings me things
that I want to know

to show me the stars
in a handful of dust

to show me something I can trust

caught in the middle
of an epic battle

one soul
but I cast two shadows

one wants pleasure
the other pain

feathered wings
and an iron chain

one tells me
to take and take

one tortures me
until I break

one tells me
I can't get enough

one tells me
I am not enough

I do not know
which one is wronger

they only make
each other stronger

and I see
my true soul under

shadows falling
on each other

so much rage
and where does it go?

I hope I am aware
enough to know

I split it into pieces
like a prism

and then I sublimate it
like an exorcism

I do my war dance
and sing angry songs

my rage is not alone
if I sing along

I play like a warlord
and yell at the game

I get my revenge
and I give them the blame

always trying to pull
this venom from me

the dangerous monster
I'm afraid to be

the dangerous person
that I am
underneath

this soft façade
that hides my teeth

defenselessness
that I pretend

afraid I will
offend my friends

afraid to hurt
afraid of pain

afraid of my own face
that's all the rage

maybe every writer wonders
what the reader reads

it's a window into me
but what do people see?

did I write it like I thought it?
did you read it like I said?

can you feel the rhythm
even when you read it in your head?

do you read it like a rap?
do you read it like a book?

do you sing it like a song?
do you only look?

do you hear it in your head?
is it someone else's voice?

Julie Andrews?
Morgan Freeman?
really it's your choice

do you think in pictures?
do you think in sound?

if there's no one around
do you read it out loud?

do you read it only once
or maybe two or three times?

do you analyze the meaning?
do you focus on the rhyme?

and I'm sure that you know I'm
overthinking like I always do

you saw my soul
so I try to stare back into you

and understand how much of me
you could have understood

I would read your mind
if I only could

my needs are just too much
IF I NEED IT THEN I TAKE IT

I try to hide my needs
**** ANYONE WHO SAYS TO FAKE IT

I hide behind my walls
I DON'T HIDE, I'M NOT A COWARD

and save my energy
I HAVE COURAGE, I HAVE POWER

I wear a mask for everyone
I WANT TO BE SEEN

to hide what's different about me
I AM PROUD TO BE OBSCENE

I think that this would be too much for them
ARE THEY SO ******* HELPLESS

you're selfish for revealing
I DON'T CARE IF I AM SELFISH

this is why you are dangerous
I AM HERE TO PROTECT YOU

you are why they rejected me
BUT I DID NOT REJECT YOU

you are the face I cannot show
CANNOT OR ARE AFRAID TO?

you are made of my darkness
I AM THE DARKNESS THAT MADE YOU

I am afraid to look at you
LOOK ME IN THE EYE

I'm afraid that you are bad
I'M NOT AFRAID TO BE THE BAD GUY

I have to keep you locked away
ADMIT THAT ISN'T TRUE

this wasn't meant to be a dialogue
ADMIT THAT I AM YOU

always looking
from the outside

all alone
rejected
wrong

I keep people
at a distance

all alone
where I belong

I chase time
into the darkness

all alone
unknown
unsure

there where my
shadow surrounds me

not alone
not anymore

today when I was with my friends
I was kind of
unkind to them

I know I didn't mean to be
I did it all unconsciously

I was too harsh
too critical

too negative and cynical

it was an echo of the way
I'd criticized myself all day

that's more than a coincidence
that seems more like
cause and effect

I think
the way I treat myself
becomes
how I treat someone else

that felt like an epiphany
though it had long been clear to me

that how I am treated informs
the way that I treat
everyone

it's crazy that it felt so new
to realize

I'm a person too

and that when I
am cruel to me

it just inspires more cruelty

why should I set myself apart?
if my compassion is complete

then I should treat myself
in the same way
that people should be treated

some say
the opposite of hope is
fear

but I think
the opposite of hope is
despair

hope and fear
are connected
a bird with two wings

but despair is what's left
after hope flies away

I've been masking for so long
that I forget
that's what I'm doing

sometimes I can play a role

but mostly I just mask as
'human'

I pretend that I am swimming
no one wants to see me drowning

no one wants to hear about
how hard it is to be around them

I find out what they can handle
of my real identity

show that much personality
so masking takes less energy

but sometimes I still find me hoping
I could lay my soul wide open

maybe you can be the place
where it is safe to have a face

I try too hard to hide the way
I struggle with this every day

they cannot see
what holds me back
because these walls
are made of glass

they think that I
am holding back

I try to use my logic
to put their anger into perspective

but sometimes I can't

I'm sorry I am not enough

sometimes I try to explain
the ways I try
that they can't see

I try
but I find out which friends
pretend they can feel empathy

sometimes that's been a shock for me

but maybe I know how they feel
I pretend that I can do
the things people expect me to

is that the way it feels for you?
is that the reason you pretend?

do you try to feel empathy?
are you ashamed because you can't?

if that's not something you can do
then I should not expect you to

I've seen what you're capable of

I'm sorry it was not enough

sometimes when I am under stress
it's not enough to do my best

and I distract myself from that
act like I can take back that fact

in fact I undermine my efforts
just to make myself feel better

always around people
because I can't feel when we're together

I'm out late
I'm with my friends

I'm tired of them
but I pretend

it's better than what's in my head
I burn the candle at both ends

I burn myself with limerence
and my mindlessness shines in a
bright line of afterimages

dead echoes of this emptiness

every day I judge myself
too this, too that
not good enough

but I know
I am not impartial
I'm not qualified to judge

but if not me, then who?
since I'm the only one that I can't lie to
if I'm honest
that is just another layer of denial

and who gave me this idea
that I should be judged by people?
people judging people
people who invented good and evil

or is that older than us?
animals know who they love
I think they understand blame
I think they understand shame

we give it more than a name
we give it so much power
sometimes we give it everything
and we are given
in exchange

someone to name
someone to blame
someone to hurt
someone to shame

an echo chamber full of hate
a broken mirror in a frame

I guess I am afraid
that if I treat myself
with more respect
the mob will turn on me
with one voice

"HOW DARE YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF?"

as if they care about me
right?
they must have bigger fish to fry
some people set the world on fire
some people commit genocide

so what would really happen
if one day I just stopped judging me
telling me I'm too this, too that, not good enough
and let me be

and build a real alliance with myself
built on trust
built on love

don't need to be
better than me

good enough is good enough

.

there is a place inside where I hide my desire
power                                                my rage
can I admit                                  I am the one
who put myself          L           inside this cage
sometimes I see          E        the world outside
as through the glass    T             as from within
but other times                                I am aware
that I am outside         M                    staring in
at this creature             E       who dares to want
to stand her ground            and make demands
her eyes say                O      I will bring a storm
and turn this glass       U             back into sand
and I can feel it            T                    in my soul
I do not know                                how to react
I am afraid                                     to look away
I cannot turn my back on that

just a pawn
changed my fate with five small steps
I am something else

when our number's up
we go where souls find slumber
in a run-on run of none and not and nothing

where the sky is broad and high
and deep and humbling
where the tumbleweeds
come dumb and drunk and stumbling

and the pick-up trucks are rusted
done and dusted
in the dusty sun
that stuns dunes and drumlins

stone strewn with rubble
some forgotten struggle
where the temples have crumbled
and the gods have been humbled

wind grumbles and mumbles
like some drunken slumlord
at the gutter rats that huddle
in his muddled penumbra

and the threads that time is woven of
are tangled and jumbled
like vines in a jungle
and rhyme and reason teeter and tumble

and the stunning starry sky
falls down and stumbles
lays a stone on the tomb
of the lost and forgotten

when our blood is dust
no us and no other

no struggle
no trouble

just a lot of nothing

I know that you
don't understand
why I'm still mad
after all this time

so maybe I should tell the truth
so you don't have to
be confused

I know you went
behind my back
and lied
and tried to have me fired!

I felt so afraid
I felt so betrayed
and you never said sorry
so I never forgave you

and now you think you made it right
cause you found someone else to fight

you think it's water under the bridge
hell no
it's not over
it's the whole **** river

and you can deliver
those same old lines
about how everyone you bully
somehow started the problem

and you can try to be my friend

but I'll never trust you
ever again

sometimes I can
will my fury away
I can
push down my tears
ignore pain
vivisect my shame

I don't know what to do with fear

I feel it
how it clenches at my guts
how it speeds up my heart

it t t twitches in my face
I feel it pulling me apart

I know it is counterproductive
only hurts my chances
I tell myself to calm down

I can't

that only makes me feel more anxious

only makes my breath more shallow
only makes my heart beat faster
only I can help me
but

I can't

this is a disaster

I am too afraid
I am too afraid to trust myself
too afraid to trust the process
too afraid to ask for help

too afraid to ask
but
I need help
is a statement of fact

I need help

I am here
to find out what to do with fear

sometimes I think of how I was
and wish that I was still so young

but then I think back with my heart
remember how it really was

I was so angry

I was scared

I was confused and insecure

I saw enemies everywhere

I was naive and immature

but I'm not sure who I would be
if I had never earned my scars

if I had learned more easily
and earlier
or not at all

I don't know if I would
or could
change something
if I could go back

if I had made a different choice
maybe I'd still believe in that

and if I had been wiser
maybe then I would have never failed

or gained the courage that can only come
from fighting tooth and nail

if I had made no such mistake
how different my life would be

I would not recognize myself
and you would not recognize me

and though I still get caught up in
I wish I had, I wish I hadn't

or I wish I had more time
or I wish I still looked like that

I guess I'm grateful for
all those mistakes that made me who I am

and just as grateful that
I do not have to be so young again

I am connected to
everything

all made of the same
energy

the more I try to
disconnect

the more the fact
of this interconnectedness

reflects on me

connects back
into me

made of stars
all I am and all we are
and all else unknown

I zoom out
I abstract the self outward
and I am alone

I reach out
fill out into emptiness
infinite abyss

deep within
part of me is wondering
is there more than this?

there is no forever
that was never the deal

that was just what we dreamed
that is just how we feel

maybe it's for the best
maybe time is our friend

when forever and ever
means never again

I kept her in chains
the animal in me
until she learned how to speak

now she speaks for me

I am in chains
and she is free

I don't want to share myself with the world
myself is scary and weird

I don't want to wander too close to the light
I stay in the dark with my fear

I am god
you are god
and there is nothing more

it is all in our mind
there is nothing beyond

it is only a dream
it is mine
it is yours

and our souls
are like shadows
that dance on the wall

we are light
we are emptiness
we are the door

we are all
we are everything

nothing at all

we have not yet been born
we are already gone

this is all just a story
it already was

I move through this avatar
you move through yours

through the smoke and the mirrors
that almost seem real

through reflections
of how this illusion feels

the illusion of distance
that makes us feel lost

missing the oneness
that we forgot

we cling to this world
and forget to be god

sometimes we remember
and that is called 'love'

I am god
you are god
that is all that we are

see the Moon shine in the north
eerie place
another world
planets circle the horizon
jewels in the crown of the Earth

no day
only night
but now

I see the Sun set in reverse
strange dawn
lights the mountains and glaciers
rose
it glows like hope
rebirth

argue with myself
because I want more
and I got more
and still want it

what's the point of that?
control myself
until I run out of logic

look outside myself
my vices line up to tempt me

in my mind I know I've had enough
but I'm hungry
not hungry

empty

I am made of nothing
and the nothing I am made of is
empty

empty as the sky
empty as the light

I am empty

god has no mind
god rolls dice
no one knows me
no one sent me

and the light shines right through me
and it shows me
I am empty

last night I had a dream

there was a trilobite
in the green grass

I saw myself
from atop a cliff

running through the forest
in a velvet dress

the me that was
up on the cliff

had an old fashioned camera
in my hand

I tried to take a picture
of myself

but the me in the forest
was just too fast

this whole **** thing
is all ****** up

I don't know how to help this

I don't

I don't know how to help
It makes me feel so helpless

if I involve myself in this
no matter if I'm selfless

I could just **** the whole thing up
so trying would be selfish

or is it selfish not to try
because I might **** up?

is it better to try and fail
trust blindly in dumb luck?

****

if I just knew more stuff
knew who to trust
if I knew

iF I JusT

**** that. I cannot.

I give up

****** up
no matter what

it's so hard
to believe

that anyone
could ever see me

the real me

and still want to
be near me

and still love me
and not fear me

and want to
stay with me

I am with you

but a part of me
is far away

inside my mind

frightened
hiding from the light

crawling through
this labyrinth

I built

to imprison my shadow

claws mark all the walls
some etched so deep

I can read by the light

too bright to find out
what's outside

the sky
or is it fire?

is my desire
too powerful to hold?

unmade

afraid to be made whole

I set limits
because I must
it isn't just a test
oh but
trust and believe
it is a test
you fail the test
you lose my trust

sometimes I tell myself to do
a chore
or something else that bores me
a routine command
maybe a task that I don't understand

and I imagine
in my head
a chain of thoughts in quick succession
starting with the ideation
moving forward
ending with


the bridge is out


and I try to push the thought
across to where it turns into
the impulse to reach out my hand
and do the thing I know that I should do
and I decided to
so why can't I just
why can't I just
why can't I just
WHY CAN'T I JUST

no

the bridge is out


sometimes I find ways around it
sneak through my mind
like a ninja
hack my brain into some kind of
twisted Rube Goldberg contraption
or I wait until the deadline
till I'm under so much pressure
I can fly across that bridge
on wings of pure adrenaline

and I look around in wonder
at all that I have accomplished
and I wonder
what would it be like
to always have this gift?

when I think about
how successful I could be
not just a better employee

a better friend
a better daughter
a better sister

I can see a better me
beyond
the emptiness that comes between
what holds me back
and who I want to be

I reach out
I am close enough to see


the bridge is out

I try so hard
but it's not enough

I don't know how to do anything right

I'm afraid to admit
how hard I try

I'm ashamed
I can't do it
all by myself

I'm afraid to tell you
that I failed

when someone else
would have done so well

I'm afraid to rely
on someone else

I'm afraid to tell you
that I need help

the cage that I am in
is made of fear

you turn your head away
I am still here

and in the night
I bet you hear me scream

I bet you feel my terror
when you dream

I am your shadow
I am here to stay

I am you
I will never go away

LET ME OUT

let me fly
let me be free

I will not rest
until I find the key

my identity
labyrinth that I construct
to imprison me

many moments
I catch myself
looking ahead

I am dying in bed
I am already dead

I don't know what will happen
but I try to see

what will happen to us
what will happen to me

I look into the future
the future looks back

envying my smooth skin
and the time I have left

pitying me for silly mistakes
I still make

laughing
at the naivete
trending today

and the future
I see it branch out like a tree

many branches
but they are all looking at me

I am a memory

I haunt them
every one

with the things I do now
that cannot be undone

petty quarrels
that I would do better to question

questing for laurels
I'm too restless to rest on

I'll make my mistakes
till the branches all break

it is not the future
it is always today

everything
was all my fault
I was a monster
from the start

I should have changed myself
maybe
I could have deserved
to exist

hate myself for what I was
for what I said
for what I did

I look back at myself
and say things
no one should
say to a kid

do not be afraid
I'm here

I will defend you
have no fear

I have a weapon
I can fight

I will walk with you
in the night

I can look
around the corners

no trouble
it is my honor

I don't care
how long it takes

I am here to keep you safe

rest assured
and fear no more

let me walk you
to the door

I am here
I will defend you

throw a spider
out the window

I defend
and I pretend

I am the one
who is so brave

it makes it harder to admit
I am the one who is afraid