and the truth of the matter is that i am your lesson but you are not mine.

you were not my first real love or heartbreak
you are not the first person to teach me that giving yourself to someone means getting little in return
means leaving a breadcrumb trail of your shattered heart in the wake of what was
means reaching for something in a dark room with all the hope in your chest and finding nothing
you were also not my first round of mistakes
not the first time i realized i let love go too early
not the first time i said goodbye before i meant it
before i needed it
not the first time id crawl back
foot down my throat immobilizing my apologies
you were also not my first dive in head first
my first give everything whole heartedly
my first act before you think before you speak before you fall
because falling comes with breaking comes with heartache
but i was yours.
i am yours.
your firsts.

so you will miss me more than i miss you
you will see me in every person who crosses your path just like i saw him in you
you will compare my blue green eyes to her brown ones and my touch to her hands
and you will not forget my name
or the way i tasted
or the way my laughter filled your dark room
or the weekends we locked ourselves in your room for hours and never needed anything outside those four walls
and you will regret
you will regret not memorizing the stretch marks that line my inner thighs
you will regret not engraving the memory of my eyes
you will regret not capturing the feeling of my head laid across your chest
our bodies tangled together
memorizing one another
and that is okay.

you were never mature enough to give as much as i was
you were never ready to skip the mistakes and the meaningless apologies
you were not ready to love me the way i needed
and that is okay.

when the next girl comes around you will notice her nose is slightly shaped differently than mine
it doesnt feel the same under your kisses
it doesnt crinkle the way you used to love mine to do
but you will love her anyways
and this time it will be the way i loved you
the way that knows how to love
is ready to love
the way that gives and expects nothing in return but still keeps giving
you will remember to cherish her and i hope she has already learned her lessons as well

and when you realize we could have been everything you ever promised me we would be
when you wake up one morning and piece together the puzzle that was our mess
when you finally understand that this love could’ve changed the world
i will smile in your direction and wish you the best
because we all needed those lessons,
i just wish i didnt have to be yours.

its okay to be broken before you find time to heal
its okay to cry yourself to sleep
two nights in a row or ten
its okay to feel like you’ve lost everything
and to mourn that
to lock yourself in your room to avoid any sunlight
but you have to get back up
you have to remind yourself that you were fine before and you will be fine after
you have to start smiling at puppies again
and craving your favorite foods
you have to start living again
despite the ache your body has not to
because things will get better
one day youll wake up and forget the way the tears tasted
youll wake up and forget you were ever in pain at all
youll wake up and be okay
but thats only if you allow yourself to be

so yes
cry
cry an ocean and label it with his name
but remember that it is still your ocean
remember your body built something so beautiful without him
promise yourself that one day
youll sail across that ocean
and never even remember his name
yes
hide in your room
forget what sunlight feels like
so that when you finally decide to
re-emerge
youll relearn how sunlight feels
and this time it wont be attached to his name
but attached to your survival
yes
miss him
write poems solely about the color of his eyes
and the shape of his smile
and then remind yourself that only you have the ability to paint him that pretty
that beautiful
only you have the ability to turn thunderstorms into sunlight
so do it

remember
that its okay to be broken
its okay to wish yourself away
but only for a little while
you must remember
that time will not stop for your sorrow
and you shouldn’t stop for him
remember
there will be days when all you feel is the absence of his love
but the days that follow will show you that the absence of that is better than the presence
remember
if you are strong enough to be vulnerable to his love
you are strong enough to live without it
so do

i want to memorize every inch of your body but also every inch of your mind. i want to know how many freckles you have across your back but also whether you believe in heaven and hell. i want to hold your body close as our breathing becomes in sync but also hold your secrets deep inside of me. i want to kiss your mouth so many times you memorize the taste of me but also say so many words to you that you can replay my voice in your mind when im not around. i want to love you with my heart, body, soul, and mind and i will do everything in my power to make you feel that love.

It hurt.
Like a deep aching in a heart, I never knew I had.
I cried.
Like a river flowing after a rain, that got too bad.
It stung.
Like a bunch of bees, defending
their stash of honey.
I yelled.
Like a lady, after someone had taken all her money.
It got better.
Like a rainbow coming, after a deadly rain.
I healed.
Like a women in church, after dealing with too much pain.

Maybe I'm confused,
Or maybe it's just for fun.
Maybe it doesn't matter,
Or maybe you're the one.

No one ever listened
But I swear I had something to say
I kept my emotions bottled up
Day after day

I sung to the choir
And preached to the church  
But congregations built walls
And the stain glass still hurts

Why do we have freedom of speech
If no one hears
My problems aren't fading
And neither are my tears

I turn to my notebook
Tears streaming down my face
I write and I write
But I won't leave any trace ---

Wait.
Again?
Broken record some might say...
You're together then you're not
Which one is gonna stay?

Oh.
Him?
Some might consider it a sin...
Hes hurt you and you've hurt him
You're shocked he did it again?

Stop.
Its over?
Too many people call you bluff...
You love her then you hate her
But you think you've had it tough?

The children.
They hurt?
They've cried and then they've healed
But their scars will never be mended and certainly not sealed

Hurry, run
They all smell fear
Don't look now
They're drawing near

We flee from those
Who tower in the halls
The ones who mock us
And push us into walls

They copy our walks
And our looks of fear
We quicken our pace
And rapidly wipe the tears

"Dont be so childish"
"Want a clean slate?"
"We will stop when we want to"
But it might be too late

They see our scared faces
Rushing in the halls
But they don't see the blood streaked arms
That stay inside our room walls.

Hurry, run
They all smell fear
Dont look now...
Shh its too late my dear.

yesterday things were going pretty great
I loved you and you loved and we both called it "fate"

tonight I sit here whipping away my tears
scared that we wont be together for the rest of our years.

you say she didn't mean it, and that everything is fine
but even her best friend said she wanted this the whole **** time.

im tired, im sad, and im really not ok
not that I would tell you that, you feel really far away.

it all just collapsed, ended all to fast
Im not ready to think of us as something in the past.

can we just undo that night, pretend it was all fake
I really cant lose you or us, I hope that's not a choice either of us make.

i hate to start this poem out
with the word goodbye,
but its time for us to both move on
and i say so with a sigh.

i wont forget the things we did
and all the memories we share
you will always be a part of me
and remeber ill always care.

i know we ended on bad terms
and things didnt go as planned
but please cherish all the good things we did
for all those things are grand

im done with hating you
for breaking my heart in half
and im glad we can talk some now because
you can always make me laugh.

im happy with the memories
the talking on the phone all night
but im happy now that we have both moved on
and there no longer is a fight

i am thankful for the lessons you taught me
and the all memories we have
so goodbye my first almost love
ill never forget our past.

You make my world bright
You make my love true
Nothing seems right
Unless I'm with you.

You're amazing  
And you're perfect in every way
I love you with all my heart
And hopefully forever you will stay.

when i dream about my future
you are always there
smiling as we make eye contact
and playing with my hair

our kids running around the room
playing a game of hide and seek
as you pull me closer
and kiss me on the cheek

Laying down beside you
Each and every night
Exchanging so many I love yous
Getting over every fight

I hope for all these things
To one day come true
And I know everything will be perfect
As long as it's me and you

I'll always be here for you
when the days get really tough
when the nights without sleep
are beginning to get to rough.

I will listen to you rant
about how the world is so unfair
and ill try to make you better
because honestly I care.

you're one of the reasons I smile
and you help me so much
I hope the life you're living
is one that I have touched

I hope when times are good
that you think of me
and I hope when times are bad
you know i'll never leave

because like our song says
"ill never let you down"
I love you with all my heart
and I'm glad you have stuck around.

killing me slowly
yet giving me air
making me happy
but filling me with despair.

I love what we are
and I hate what we aren't
this thing that we have
is tearing me apart.

I cant decide
whether its real or its fake
I'm sick of the questioning
yet leaving would be a mistake.

although I'm aware that
this love is probably true
I still have a sickening feeling
like I have the flu

but I think I plan
to stay around for a while
maybe one day you will
walk me down the aisle.

Soft flurries come down from the sky
Looking closely you notice the twinkle in her eye.

She recalls the days when she was young
Wishing for snow storms and catching the soft flakes on her tounge.

She danced in the whiteness the purity rubbing off on her
The memories go cold and it all becomes a blur.

She remembers feeling joyful as the snow feel all those Years ago,
but now the word joyful is a word she doesn't know.

The soft flurries landing gently and soundlessly on the ground
Reminding her of the piter patter of his heart, her favorite sound.

She remembers all the times that they spent together,
And suddenly snow was her least favorite type of weather.

Walk on water
Breathe in air
When will everyone
Start to care?

The bad decisions
The silly rhymes
Im not ok
Although I've said it a million times.

I just want
For you to notice
To take my hand
And fix my brokenness

But I'll just sit here
Alone and unaware
Since no one here
Seems to care

your hand brushes my shoulder
a tingle runs down my spine
as i slowly turn toward you
and appreciate the fact that you are mine.

we make eye contact
my heart starts to flutter
as you slowly lean into me
and I begin to melt like butter.

our lips colide
and the world disappears
as we become one
I imagine being with you for the rest of my years.

you say you love me a lot,
and i believe you,
but if she had wanted you first,
shes who you would belong too.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm still thinking
About me and you.

The way that we laughed,
The way that you smiled,
The feelings you gave me
And how they've lasted for a while.

The Roses are dying,
The Violets are burning,
When I look at you
my stomach starts turning.

I start to think of the times we shared,
The happiness you brought me,
And how it all went downhill.

The roses are dead,
The violets are burned,
I'm sick of this feeling,
You were a lesson well learned.

I'm trying my hardest to say goodbye,
But babe there was something,
I feel for your eyes.

Bye now my dearest,
I love you so,
There will always be a spot for you
And I hope that you will always know.

I’m stuck in this maze, that has no end.
I run and I run yet no one has help to lend.

I feel the world tugging, me down a bit,
telling me I’m worthless and that its time to quit.

There are so many corners, and so many edges, its hard to avoid falling off the countless ledges.

Person after person, comes to yell in my ear,
“its time to quit running, you have no luck here.”

I start to think they are all a little bit right,
I’ve tried my best and held on with all my might.

The labyrinth is smarter and better too,
I’ve tried so hard and still am yet to make it through.

Its time to give up I say to myself,
as I take once stepper closer to the tallest of shelves.

I hang my foot just over the edge,
and remember the struggles that pushed me to this ledge.

Its over I repeat again and again in my head,
I step off the shelf and now I am dead.