I spent three years with you now you will spend an eternity in the sky. You were my first boyfriend and will now be my first funeral. It seems like yesterday that we were children hiding in my father's garden now we're all grown up and you have passed on.

It's hard for me to imagine that someone I once held the hand of is now lying lifeless in a morgue somewhere until you can be burried or cremated. I know that we went our separate ways years ago and I did not speak to you after being in a bitter state but I wished you the best in life.

But as of now I hope you are doing well in the afterlife and reuniting with those you lost and find comfort there.

R.IP Nehemiah, I'm sorry the way things ended between us.

In the midst of the pink clowds above, two cowboys appeared. One came down from his horse and cocked his gun and the other came towards me in great force. I couldn't scream, I couldn't run as the cowboy's hand reached out and grabbed me, only catching sight of his brown leather glove.

They took me to another place and dropped me in the river, leaving me wet and cold, stranded on the rocks to shiver. Alongside me a dead woman lay facedown. Her green dress torn from bottom up, black hair scattered amongst the water, her skin was blue and gray. Presumably she had drown as the waves carried her away.

Looking ahead, the Native Americans walked the trail. The tribe followed behind their cloaked chief as he sang and pounded the drum. Their voices sang with hope but their faces were so glum. I watched as they trotted and slipped on the remaining snow. They were in a rush. To where? I do not know.

To the left of me the dead woman stood. She was a corpse! Her face rotten and filled with rage, her fist clenched and ready to charge like a bull released from a cage. Her eyes were black, teeth yellow,  her hair was wet and stuck to her jaw. She raised her hand and struck me, that was the last I ever saw.

I'm 7 years old, I'm alone on the playground as kids call me Dora because of my olive skin and short hair. Teachers see but they don't care. I go home, my father is high and beats me to a pulp physically and mentally. It's my fault because I act up and everything he does is father like and gently.

I break down and hardly speak. When I did I was told that I was stupid and to nshut up. I would sit in my dark room in tears, listening to the laughter of my siblings and peers. Dreading the sound of his footsteps that were so loud, they shook the chandelier.

I'm 13 years old, my mental health goes down hill. I'm angry, violent, in need for attention, making up lies, pulling stunts and finding myself in detention. I'm a teenager now and too hormonal so I'm always getting the belt. I speak to counselors and CPS. But my Father "loves me". I receive no help. I'm just a troubled child and a mess.

I'm 16 years old. My parents divorce. Life gets better then takes a turn for the worst. My dog passes away at the age of seven. Her being my only support, wishing I could join her in heaven. No one understands the loss I feel or the anger I display. I endure the silence of my room, the only thing I have left of her is her collar and the memories she gave me of when I was smaller.

I'm 17 years old. My boyfriend of 3 years drops me out of the blue, I find another guy who's new to replace the hurt. It went from laughter to walking on eggshells. He would make accusations and jump to conclusions, leaving me in a state of confusion. I'm trapped and made me question myself. I couldn't leave, the attention I was receiving was my self help.

Months later he leaves and sets me free. I celebrate, yet feel alone because love is what I need. I'm online sending naked photos to men I'll never meet, thinking they'll fall in love and run away with me. This is how I dealt isolation and misery.

I'm 18 years old, last year of high school. My "best friend" turns on me like a snake. The school leaves me stranded in her constriction. I'm a wreck to the point where I want to end it all in my bathtub. I stop myself, realizing that this was not the answer. I continue my days in despair. Knowing it was just me against a world that couldn't care.

I'm 19 years old and I say that I had enough and seek therapy. It helps with my emotions but not my home life. Waiting for life to pick up, I continue with strife.

I'm 21 and we all get evicted from where we live and have to stay with my grandparents. Who would not hesitate to shank my mom with a shiv if they could, but this is how I had to accept life in a toxic environment and not as I should.

That same year I get to move out and be on my own. In an apartment in the city most known. I meet a man one afternoon in late June and before you know it I'm pregnant and we're over the moon.

Six months pass and the lease is up. And he has no interest in renting a place together like I'm a waste of space. I move into a shelter not realizing the choice I made was a huge mistake.

The house mom nags and nags, treating me like I'm five. I spent hours and hours waiting for my boyfriend to arrive. But she prevented me from seeing him, I was again alone. Third trimester pregnancy and I'm doing back breaking chores under her force. I'm carrying heavy objects and a baby inside me like a horse, and I'm in pain.

I wanted to move but had nowhere to go, my boyfriend got into drugs and he's absent. I have no comfort from anyone because they don't understand, I'm suffering but doing what I can.

A monster of a girl moves in. She steals and hurts my infant son. No one believes me and thinks I'm wrong doing. I'm there for most of the year and her only three or four, I'm the bad guy and they like her more. I'm being framed for things I did not do, she and the house mom were the perfect two. We fight and I get kicked out!

Instead of being devastated, I leave and life took me to a better route. Trauma stays the outcome pays off.

I'm now 23 years old. I live in a beautiful apartment that I worked hard to get. My son is now one, the year came and went. Life has been peaceful and we're happy as ever. At night, I look at the sky and remember that every single traumatic fight, mental scar and slaps to the face. Lead me to where I am today. That I'm not a failure or a disgrace. Life has trails and is not a speed race.

I don't get haunted by ghost. I get haunted by memories of people who are still alive, just not around anymore.

Life went from college and working, traveling with no rest. This all changed with a pregnancy test.

Long naps, mood swings and craving unhealthy snacks. To sleepless nights, kicks in the ribs, heartburn that made my chest flare. I knew you would have a lot of hair.

On April 6th, you were born. After 3 days of labour, it was hell and I was torn. 8 lbs 1 oz with black hair and blue eyes, with the loudest cry.

Life then went from a quite room to one full of cries at night. Rocking you in the cradle swing, listening to nursery rhymes and to you I'd sing.

Endless amounts of diapers filling the trash, freaking out over a mild rash. Tummy time on the play mat, crawling on the floor, now preventing you from running out the door.

Now I'm stepping on toys, buying bigger clothing sizes in toddler boys. Spending extra money I could of saved, making me want to crawl into a cave.

But I cherish every day. Through all the screaming, teething, random bites, when putting you into clothing is a fight.

Even when you make me sleep half way off the bed, repeat words that I shouldn't of said. The cuddles during nap time, watching Sesame Street, tickling your chubby feet.

In 4 days, it will be your birthday! Hooray! With all the stress of birthday plans, I'm so happy for my little man.

Watching you grow up is all your mom could ask for. Happy early birthday my little explorer.

Narcissistic is not just a toxic relationship with your boyfriend of one year. It can be a parent, a friend, a cousin or someone you love, dear.

  It's when they give up their own responsibilities to depend on you for money, childcare or a ride in the car. If you confront them. Your luck won't go very far.

  You'll belittle you over one little mistake like not washing a dish or leaving a crumb on the table. Restrict you from friends, lovers, family because they're you're parent, partner or whatever it is the label.

   You'll be made to feel unworthy and treated like trash. Take pride in authority as you become their slave. Every peer will be brought up to hate you and you'll be the highlight to bash.  

  You'll be trapped, items will be stolen from you, they'll hurt your children, you will be framed and blamed for what you didn't do. Call the police, tell a friend or relative. But no one will believe it because they've manipulated everyone but you!

  A pretty face or kind demeanor is the who they appear. Your peers will becoming sheep to their lies with words such as " I'm a person of God" and many hoaxed stories to tell. Cross them, your life will become the fifth layer of hell.

  When confronted they fabricate it with lies such as " I do this for you" when you get no benefit from the deed. You can argue with them all day, but refuse to take heed.

  They will monitor your activities, making you feel like a juvenile. "You can't use this no longer" and send you miles away to do so. You'll never be good enough for their home. Wait for an escape for quite a while.

  You can bend over backwards for this said person and nothing will be good enough. Clean their home! Give them money, drive them to work, love them with soul. Their hatred for you never grow old.

  You are nothing but an object. You are free ***, an ATM, a chance to get drunk or high, or a tax return. You'll be nothing but inheritance or sympathy when or if you die.

    When you finally escape this slavery. You will have scars, passing the neighborhood where it happened, hearing their name in a conversation, or coming across something they gave you long ago. If anything, celebrate your bravery!

  You escaped such a harsh time, you stood up for yourself when it cost everything. You are living life without the person you thought you'd die without. You are a warrior without a doubt.

Life was a drug. I'm smoking what could of been. Inhaling the thought of freedom and where I should be. Embracing the sadness of withdrawing and going back to where I started.

They say if you're poor, your lazy. Tell that to the elderly working minimum wage jobs, yeah I know ****'s crazy. Get a Master's degree just to end up working at starbucks, needing experience to work a low level job. We can all strive for success were all just getting robbed. When in need of a place, you need to make 3 times the rent, when we're only paid 11.50 or less and they wonder why millions are sleeping in tents. College professors are eligible for food stamps, while their CEO is eating up their salary. If I had to paint a picture more clear, it would be in an art gallery. Helping the poor is being put on a 4 year waiting list, government aid you can hardly live off of while the rest are just praying the Lord above. Having to apply to live in a shelter for limited time for people who carry less than a dime. I can say no more. A simple solution, we could only wish for. Now it's just a fight to the top, to make your living situation as solid as a rock.

It has been hard to let go you know. Brushing off everything like wind and snow. Even after all the drugs, and jail, thinking you'd come back to your old self. You slip my feet out from under the rug, and again you fail. Coming around trying to make me think you want to be a Dad, my bad! I thought wrong, you're a fake. On my own is where I belong, make up your mind for Christ sake! I'm Fred in a ****** Doo episode, uncovering your mask, you're an ******* all long. I was always there for you, never even had to ask, I gave you chances you didn't deserve, all you've ever done was kick us to the curb. I now say goodbye to you. Have fun in another city! I hope you regret your actions, that were nothing but ******.

I feel stupid for writing this, but I'll go ahead and take the risk. Airplanes that go by reminds me of when we watched them near the airport last July. Grocery shopping in the local store knowing that you won't hug me from behind anymore, sitting in the back of the cab on the way home, the sights we use to roam. The stuffed dragon that sits on my shelf, God I need some help! As well as the early morning sky when the moon shined, because you'd always pick me up at that at time. Most importantly a little baby boy who shares your face and has a loud voice, but what would you know? You've made your own choice. Above all I wish I could get you off my mind if you would be so kind.

I took a walk today with the baby at a historical site. I stopped at the eatery and pictured you right across from me. I started to wonder if you would like it here and the food I ordered. Usually every day I think "haha your *** is in jail" but today I realized that it's been pretty lonely without you. We used to travel together all time and see places and you probably don't even acknowledge what you left behind.

I see that peas are green, dead possums too. They're deceased just like me and you. And I think to myself, what a ****** up world.

I tie my own shoes, my mom is white. I heard you got locked up, I found out last night. And I think to myself what a ****** up world.

You know you're really dumb though, all you ever do is lie. You're oh so embarrassing that I just wanna cry, I just shake me head asking what the hell did you do? I'm really just saying I'm tired of you.

I hear our baby cry, he's really grown. He never takes naps, just letting you know. And I think to myself, what a ****** up world, yes I think to myself what a ****** up world.

I'm angry at the fact that I go downstairs every morning to be nagged at as if I'm the lousy husband. I'm angry at the fact that he left us here to do drugs while I sit up in my room and cry as I hold our beautiful son in my arms. I'm angry at everyone for not understanding the fears I have every day of my life. I'm angry at myself for having nowhere else to go, most importantly, I'm angry for letting my emotions take over.

Somehow some way, I had t in my head that you'll snap back into that person you where one day. I realize I can't turn back time, you'll never change, you've ****** yourself up and the life we had is completely over, I have just as much luck as finding a four leaf clover. Maybe I won't have as much fun with anyone as I did with you but it's for the better , I have to man up and seel how I feel in a letter. They say people change but memories don't, I've tried to help but you won't let me, you shut me out, make me cry, all you ever do is lie that you'll become clean now I have no other choice but to be mean because you make me this way, you call me up demanding ***, ******* other men for ****, it's somehow all my fault you're a complete mess. You spend weeks ghosting me, then show up at my door with a new trick to manipulate and fool me again, I'm sick of the games, I'm tired of the lies that day you went and hit the pipe was the day you and I died.

When everything is not how it is supposed to be, it's all better inside inside my dreams. Where you're back around and actually clean, reality hurts but memories don't leave.

Summer is coming again, to you I'm dead and no longer care for me. But our baby is a reminder of who we used to be.

I wish that the person you once were would come knocking on the door and take us on and adventure once more. You'd rather lie, sneak around and get high and I'm just left here to cry. All I have left of of you is a baby attached to my hip, he has your eyes, ears, hair and lips. He's the only thing that reminds of who we used to be I hope one day you'll open your eyes and see... The family you've torn apart. Times may have changed but didn't leave my heart.

I hate whoever gives you drugs, I hate whatever drives you to do them and what makes them so special. I miss the old you, the person who wasn't coming around high and smelly. I miss the adventures we used to have during the summer, spending the nights together, eating pizza in your car in front of the lake at 2 am when you'd wake me up and take me out of my apartment, spend the night at your house and wake up next to each other. Now I just lay around crying and worried you'll end up dead in a ditch somewhere or in a jail cell. The only thing I have left of you is your baby kicking and you may not be around to see him come out because you're too busy getting baked in your fantasy world not giving a **** about the important things. The worst part is that if I told you any of this you wouldn't care enough to hear it when you're too far gone to hear me plea.

Maybe she makes you feel better when you embrace her essence, maybe that is why you storm in and out of my presence. We spent every day together through summer heat and leaves in the fall, winter comes and I'm left with vague answers and no phone call. The streets at night is where you ponder, high off her love as I lay in bed and wonder... will you come around when the day comes and I finally birth your only son? Or will you still be on the run? You claim that becoming a father makes you scared but maybe you're distracted by her burnished stare. I come to realize that in your world I have become a minority while she is on the rise to become a priority. Was she really worth quitting your work? Is she enough to make you think our will arrive by a stork? You must be thrilled when her taste is on your tongue, vanish into a world of your own that makes you feel young. It may be this way now but I miss the person who took me out on adventures not the one who smells of smoke and risk his life for a woman who will ruin his face and give him dentures.

My sweet little son
You are quite an active one
I feel your small feet kick inside me
Every night when I sleep, every morning after I eat.
Completely unexpected but such a treat. I wait for you to grow and enter this earth, just 4 months until your birth. Waiting to see who the little human I created will be.

I can cry no more tears, just express silent fears. Every relationship has it's boos, but you don't know what it is like to walk in my shoes. Feeling butterflies to baby flutters and extreme sadness when I'm the only one stepping up to be a Mother. Maybe it's amusing for you to see my cry but I won't let you watch the inside of me die. My hormones and emotions are on the run but if it is anything I know I have to protect my son.

Drowsy all the time, my breast feel as if they have been punched, after my nap I'm going to consume my third lunch. People asking why aren't I married? Or what will I name this child I carry. Some frown upon me, most jump with glee, they're so lucky that they do not get up 5 times a night just to ***. I lay in my bed with mild cramps in my tummy, craving everything down to mayo and cheese yummy! Friends and family get annoyed with my hormones because I like to **** and moan. I constantly drink because my throat is dry as they ask me " how did you let this happen and why?" The answer to the question is that I am responsible for what I've done and there is no reason for me to cover it up and run.

They say my life is over, I think it has just begun, needing to prepare for my little one.

When you stand by the ocean, watching the moon kiss the sea. Maybe then you'll remember me.

Nothing like receiving harassment in the mail, got so mad and blew all my money on a dress on sale. Waste my time pondering over boys who won't text back, being controlled by those who view my existence as an empty bag of fruit snacks. All I want is to be myself, enjoy my adult life. Instead having the doors of my well being scratched up by a cleaver knife.

I can be set free and they will still manage to try and wrap a chain around my ankle. This is how it feels to be surrounded by people who frown upon your existence and have no faith in you.

The world turns to gray as dearest memories never fade away.

If it is anything that describes my life, it is comparable to being a Goldfish. A Goldfish stuck inside a plastic bag. I can be floating at ease until someone traumatically shakes it, the water will begin to even out until everything starts shaking again. I lose my balance, I lay at the bottom yet I still have the courage to get back up again because I still have the capacity to try.

In my eyes you had potential, but to you I was nothing more than a phone number and an option to bypass. Like a little bird, I let you go but you never came back.

" You will not experience any problems because you are white"

So someone who is dying of a terminal illness isn't feeling any pain? A person does not suffer as they slowly go insane? A man lost all his money in a divorce, but your experience with racism is much worse? A woman who has lost everything searches for food in a garbage bin. Is your oppression affecting you then? A man in prison hangs himself in his cell. While you sit around on your Iphone at the hair salon, tweeting about how Caucasians make your life hell. Skin color does not determine your wealth, financial instability nor mental health. Unfortunate life circumstances are not about race. The only problem here is you, pushing the blame on others for the decisions you face.

Memories are like a butterfly, a feeling of joy until released, flying distantly​ into the sky.

I don't deserve respect because I am a woman, I want respect for being a person. I am not entitled to my gender only to common sense.

At one moment, my life was a rose. Crumbled in the hands of greed only to recover naturally as it grows beneath the weeds.

As much as you say you miss as well as want me back. Just know that you have failed me, nothing will changed that fact.

You do not see the beauty of a rose when you are too afraid of the thorns.

You fed me dirt, claiming I'm satisfied. As I swallowed the soil of your upright lies. As I roam free you can only wonder how I'm happy.

They ask you why you speak less just to tell you to shut up. Wonder why you eat less after they call you fat. Call you a loner while shutting you inside the house. Insult the work you do then complain that you do nothing for them. No one can live two different ways so make up your mind and let people live.

Strangle me then ask me why am I not breathing.
Suffocate me then ask "why are you wheezing?"
If I was was deaf would you ask why I cannot hear?
If I was blind would you ask why I cannot see clear?
While I look down would you think I am looking above?
This is how it feels when told that I am utterly stern.
I cannot give love when mistreated is given in return.

I feel as if I am being sexually molested by an invisible force, trapping me in chains. Though tiresome and alone, life sends a sense of distain. Brought upon me as it whispers insults through my right ear, fingers stroking my cheek while I shed a tear.

Being a bully in today's world is not someone who harasses you. It is those who tell the truth. Our generation is so coddled, preventing people from being hurt. Surrounding yourself with fake friends while your parents are too scared to say anything as well. Living in your own world is all fun and games, until someone comes along and is honest. Then it falls apart. Facts do not vanish when your emotions are on display.

A,B,C, D E, F,G, white people are oppressing me. Q, R,S,T, U, V let's resort to name calling if you disagree. W, X,Y,Z, everyone I don't like is a Neo ****. I know I do not see what you see, so instead of calling me an Sjw , how about shut up and listen to me? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, can you please stop calling everyone a special snowflake? 9,10,11,12, both sides are arguing as the world goes to hell. 13,14,15,16, stop with the screaming it's so obscene! Old Mcdonald had a farm, they're burning the flag oh no! Islam here, black lives matter there, Trump's building a wall oh no! With a protest here and a protest there, everywhere we protest. Old Mcdonald had a farm, they punched a **** oh no! This old conservative, he was on a run. A liberal offered him a hot dog in a bun, had a raging fit for a man who's over grown. Then boycotted every store he's ever known. Goodnight America, you're a bunch of sensitive loons, there's only more to happen so let's stay tuned.

In life you're going to get dumped, cheated on, rejected, friend zoned and used. We don't live in a world full of rainbows and butterflies. People **** and that's just the way it is. Stop saying that you're "too scared to love" grow up, take risk and get over yourself. Life is going to offer struggles before you can receive something greater.

Peer out the window, I see the snow. Another reminder of how I have no place to go.
No room to think nor privacy to cry, in the cage I go to slowly and painfully die. An animal I am, soft skin, young face, two legs, no fur. Unloved, untouched, hoping for a miracle to occur. Only left with memories of simple moments where I felt free, the only chances God himself has ever given me. I feel lonely, though there is more to just being alone. I am a human with needs to has an urge to do everything on her own.

You can spend the next one or two years with a broken heart or accept life as it is and move forward. Soon will come a time where your pain is not even the other person's fault anymore. It is your fault for choosing to be bitter instead of forgiving.

I chased a speeding car, having the confidence that I would catch up to it.
My knees gave out, I fell on my face, scraped my arms and legs, laying face first into the ground on that hard gravel road. I had no control over my energy, my body was fading fast as I was running out of breath. I looked down up at that gravel road and the car was gone. That car held my sanity, emotions, strength.Yet left me with precious memories that I can never get back in this lifetime until I work to get back on my feet.

From the moment we turn to say goodbye, I yearn to see you again.