How can someone
as intellectually beautiful
as you
do something so entirely cruel
to make someone
as intellectually vulnerable
as me
see stars in your eyes
and float five feet above the ground
just to cover the stars with clouds
and reestablish the force of gravity
pulling my heart six feet under
shutting the door of opportunity
and locking the dead bolt

I love you and
I'm sorry

I want to love myself
I need me more
than I need anyone else
for if I did not exist
I would not need anyone

I want to love myself
I want me more
than anyone else does
and if I do not want me
why would anyone else?

I want to love myself
so I can say
I love me more
than anyone else
for if I do not love myself
Why the hell would you?

I felt it on my skin
Goosebumps
as you brush your fingers along my body
with no specific pattern
we both know where you're going

Reactions minimum
I let you act on instinct
What do you do when there is no instruction?

Your palm presses against me
your fingers grasping tight
With a deep breath in I turn to you
Eyes locked
Lips locked

You press with your thumbs
So close
Tease me
Then look at me
I see it in your eyes
Desire for control
I want you to have me
Have me

You do

Opened my eyes
Open road
I must have dreamt of you
Because upon awakening I felt close to you again
I passed some trees that remind me of our car rides
They were dancing merrily as I passed
Limb-like branches sprouting off in every direction
Waving their arms in the wind
A line of dancers
Eager to impress passerbys

I've grown accustom to rejecting attention
Reflecting interest and asking the questions
Control conversation so I don't give much away
I'll redirect the focus if it starts to stray
Our relationship is your contribution
This weekend you found your substitution
I guess I can't blame you for seeing her
I hate myself, that night's a blur
Though I prefer not remembering much
That Tuesday night, I remember your touch
Your aggressive eyes
My willing body
I was so surprised that you wanted me
You're the heaven that exists in this hell
The only secret I'm dying to tell
Our chemistry seems perfect to me
A mix of our toxicities
I'm the acid, you be the base
Meet me in the middle
Show me your face
Give me your taste
Give me your strength
I'll give you my everything
For you I'll change

My flask empties
My worry empties
My bowl empties
My boredom empties

My mind empties
My notebook fills
My heart pours out
My eyes sit still

With substance,
comes stimulus
With this,
comes my remiss
to anything and everything
but the taste of your kiss.

Sweaty palms, butterflies
I'm waiting, hoping I don't cry
I hear his voice, he sounds alive
A half-hearted smile is my disguise
A pair of shades to hide his eyes
We're indoors..he swears he's not high
I'm just glad that he swung by
To give me a chance to say goodbye

Or see you later, as he'd say,
Until he wants me again someday.