Subconscious decisions

Blurred morality

There's a lacking somewhere

Why did I do it?

I'm on your side

We're both against me

Slamming the back of my head against the wall
sliding my body down until my face rests in my knees

I taste the salt as my cheekbones struggle to catch each dropping tear

"What the ****."

None of it makes sense.
All that makes sense to me

is us

Bodies move south
Heat rises
Frowns curl upward
Minds open
Mile after mile
We sleep
The music plays
I listen
Signs direct us
We follow
How much longer?
We're there.

"Thanks a lot. I’ve been disadvantaged from the start. You constrict the veins heading straight to my head. Re-routed the blood to my heart instead. I am brain dead, thinking strictly in blues and reds. Oh, I’m in enough trouble, man. Oh man, I’m in trouble again."

Why did I let it happen?

This is what I was scared of.

Not the exact situation but the emotion

I never thought it would be like this..

I was expecting an internal affair far too strong to share myself for long

I was weak

I am weak

"I know you think you know, but these eyelids are windows that shut you out from all the things that I don’t want you to know. And I refuse to tell you one single secret I own, ‘cause you’ll find I’m petrified of your eyes."

Your eyes tell such truths. Truths I sometimes can’t handle.

I look at you and know I’m wrong, and know you feel like crying

And all I can say is

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry…I don’t know where to go from here.

I’m falling for you

I don’t want to

I’m scared

Scared you won’t love me

for who I really am.

I’m scared nobody would love the real me if they saw it.

That’s why i don’t tell anyone what goes through my head

You’ll probably be over a thousand miles away by August anyway.

Maybe this was my way of saving myself from future heartbreak

We don’t talk about it, but I feel an unspoken tension

Casual relationship…or so I thought

I didn’t want to be the first to drop the bomb

So I guess I jumped on the grenade and blew myself to pieces

Pieces you don’t want to put back together

Why would you want to?

I’m not your problem. I tell you that all the time.

I’m so self destructive

I’m used to treating myself like ****

And other people treating me like ****

I don’t think I knew what to do when you came along

and you were nice to me.

You never fought with me. Never criticized me

You didn’t exactly support everything I did, but you did no harm to my mentality that I wasn’t already doing to myself.

I didn’t know what to do with someone who actually liked me

Even if it wasn’t genuine (you say it was)

It was the most genuine I’ve felt in a while

and thinking about the road

the empty bottles that always seemed to multiply beneath my feet

You with your sunglasses and a button-up..

You always look good.

You let me control the radio

I’d try to put on something I think you would like

Your hand on my thigh..I place mine on top, look at you

and smile (sometimes you catch me)

your nails short, knuckles rough

I brush my index finger across your hand..

tracing each finger carefully

our fingers intertwine

the same way our legs form around each other

like the roots of trees, tangled within one another

while we lay

Faces close, fingers gently touching

I could stare into those eyes all day

Glossy, secret worlds I want to enter

Worlds which no longer welcome me

At least for now...

Self destructive, but not self harming.

I took advantage, he’s so charming.

My comfort level hit a high,

My selfishness now makes me cry.

What the **** is wrong with me?

Stressed, depressed, anxiety.

I felt a lacking, I looked elsewhere

Disregarding, he doesn’t care.

Now the aches and pains are clear

But is it too late to have him near?