Sometimes I wonder why loving someone has to be  so hard, then I realize that; it's only as hard as we make it. Loving is the easy part, it's trust or trusting that's hard; especially when you've been hurt by trusting before. Sometime I wonder.

In love they wore themselves in a green embrace.
A silken rain fell through the spring upon them.
In the park she fed the swans and he
whittled nervously with his strange hands.
And white was mixed with all their colours
as if they drew it from the flowering trees.

At night his two finger whistle brought her down
the waterfall stairs to his shy smile
which like an eddy, turned her round and round
lazily and slowly so her will
was nowhere—as in dreams things are and aren't.

Walking along avenues in the dark
street lamps sang like sopranos in their heads
with a voilence they never understood
and all their movements when they were together
had no conclusion.

Only leaning into the question had they motion;
after they parted were savage and swift as gulls.
asking and asking the hostile emptiness
they were as sharp as partly sculptured stone
and all who watched, forgetting, were amazed
to see them form and fade before their eyes.

In my heart,
a violent sea rages
full of tears and emotions
that threatens to consume me.
So fraught
that I will never be able
to reach the surface again
nor see the light of day.

But through the growing darkness,
a small pin of light glimmers
and slowly grows.
Obscured by the ashen rocks
and burnt-out tree stumps,
it slowly sheds light
on this forgotten wasteland of obsidian
that I call my own.

Even in this forsaken place,
there is an essence of serenity
- a ray of undying hope
that fills my thoughts
with the fond memories of you.
My soul is filled with anguish
and my bones crack and grind against each other
for the fear of never being able
to touch your face or hold
your hands in mine again.

I can neither let you go
nor let you fade away
into the mists of time.
So I choose to endure this torture
in hope that you will love me
in the way that I love you.
For that one chance,
I would gladly endure ten times this agony
to know what you feel.
So I wait,
in my darkened world of fading shadows
staring up at the small pin of light.
Waiting…
Waiting for morning
and the day.

goodnight, goodbye
i'm leaving, i have already
i get stuck sometimes.. in my thoughts of you
i get lost again, and i cry and cry
it gets better- i stop

i know that the past has passed and there's nothing i can do
i miss you, i really do.
but
so many other people are out there
other boys can strike a chord in me
today i held another boys hand and felt him start to sweat
(wow. i can still make boys nervous?)
his hands were soft; opposite yours
all i knew of him was his name and his face
but i thought of the what ifs...
what if???

longing, i long for your affection but i shouldn't
you are not for me, you gave up
i'm not going to settle for a man that gives up and doesn't think i'm worth it
i'm moving forward and i'm dealing with my feelings

(you called me just now.... what a coincidence
then you hung up after 5 seconds, okay)

i hope one day you look back and regret it
but for now i repeat these three things in my head for when i start to miss you:
1. he gave up on me, it's not worth it
2. there's millions of other potatoes out there
3. it can only get better from here
i still wish it was you though

heavy eyes, with a heavier heart
i'll find someone to share my love with eventually
someone that wont throw away all my efforts
someone that wont leave me stranded downtown
someone that will love me for all my faults
someone i can talk to
i'm going to find you
who knows when
we'll find each other