I tried not  to build the wall up
It just kinda happened
The way a chick suddenly realises
It's stuck in an egg.

I tried not to love you
Convince myself it was just friendship
That I craved
So deeply it hurt.

I tried to pretend it didn't hurt me
To hear you talk of her
And then when you stopped
To see the oceans you cried.

I tried not to secretly
Cry every tear you shed
Tried not to drench my pillow
So that I could wring the water from it.

I tried to be a good child so that
I would go unnoticed, uncriticised
I tried to shield my sister from the anger
That spread through the house

I tried to pretend I liked it,
Sitting alone at every break.
I tried to pretend that I wasn't an
Empty shell.

And to all those of you who out there
Live life trying- forget it.
You can try, but the try will fail
Crumble down when you think it worked.

The wall will be built
The tears noticed
So will you be.
They won't be protected
You will just get depressed
Your shell will be cracked
Like a fresh laid egg onto a concrete floor
From ten storeys up.

-the raindrops remind me of waking up on 4th of July feeling lonely.
-my sheets whisper your name everytime i dare to move. i ache.
-my last text from you was 8.12.13
-You are beautiful. and i am sad. We will never work out.
-sometimes i wear red lipstick to see my psychiatrist. I just want to feel strong.
-i sleep for 14 hours and wake up tired.
-the ghosts in my room tug on my curls. they remind me of You.
-i feel tainted.
-oh god, oh god, oh god.
-whilst i sleep the waves rush over my head. i feel peace.
-there have been bugs in my veins since the last time we slept together.
-i am nothing, i am nothing, i am nothing.
-i have been using clever words so You will think i still have a brain.
-i sit in the bath until it turns grey to remind myself that i am dirt.
-i can not be a self love poem.
-You left me drunk and naked everytime.
-i am the beginning of a long, cold winter.
-i am a snowflake amongst sunflowers and children playing.
-Pain. Pain. Pain.
-the ringing in my ears has gotten louder since You said You missed me.
-i will never be Sylvia Plath.
-these walls scream out my secrets.
-i would like to be naked Polaroids and cocktails
but i am £2.31 white wine and ugly obscenities.
-i am an increase of prozac.
-You always mentioned your hate for winter.
-i will crave you for eternity.
-the earth will tremble like my voice. hands. eyes.
-this rain will last forever.

I think I thought I could save you
From yourself, from your troubles, from life.
And that maybe that would make you mine,
Help you to throw away the knife.
Forever.

I think I thought I would help you
Along self belief street.
But the daring darkness from your unconfidence
Is part of you, the one I loved to meet.
At first.

I think I realised I loved you
When I didn't care about your flaws.
I met all of you and cared for you,
As we ran through double doors.
Together.

I think I realised I clicked with you,
When you loved the same things as I.
You showed me new, and I looked at you,
And my whole heart leapt high.
In the air.

I think I knew I could trust you
When I came out to you and you didn't spread it.
We larked about for days on end,
In my arms, so well you fit.
So close.

I think I knew your importance
When you whirled around in my head.
You were all I could think of throughout the day,
And all night as I lay in bed.
Daydreaming.

I knew I was hungry,
But I didn't know satiation like you existed.

I was happy with what I was being served, before I'd tasted luxury.

You're corned beef hash across from a plain cheeseburger.

I've never had you before, but you're familiar.
I've searched for this flavor.

Now I've gotten a taste, I'm hungry again.

Don't let me starve.

I promised myself when I fell for you
That we could be friends if you didn't love me too.
Now I'm learning that's gonna be hard-
Harder than the diamond I want to give you.
But can't.

Before your first love you can't understand it,
I compared to my family but the shape doesn't fit.
They are triangles m'dear.
But my love for you is a circle, trying to fit in the square bit.
Oops.

When romance novels described bursting hearts
I know they felt life, about to restart.
But I also feel the oh so sharp pain,
Like being trampled by elephants pulling a cart.
Full of stones.

It's barely been four days
And I miss you.

I listen to a song
And I miss you.

I walk past where we met
And I miss you

I see the underage smokers
And I miss you.

I see the teen punks
And I miss you

I read any book
And I miss you

I daydream and it always is you
And I miss you.

I do the bus journey
And I miss you.

I scroll through Facebook
And I miss you.

I doodle a dragon
And I miss you.

I eat a glacier fruit mint
And I miss you.

I stare at my wardrobe
And I miss you.

I play video games
And I miss you.

I wander round town
And I miss you.

It seems like there's no escape
And I miss you.

I come running to the words
And I miss you

I wait for inspiration to strike
And you appear.