Chaotic world

Chaotic world Aug 2017

I wish I was blind,
It would help ease my mind,
I wonder what it would be like to be blind,
Would I be able to find peace if I was,
Because I’m stuck in the jaws of the devil,
And he’s injecting with his venom,
It makes me see things that aren’t there,
It’s like a forever nightmare,
Where i’m running away from monsters created from my brain,
I try to restrain myself from going insane,
But I can't contain myself from the hurricane in my head,
Instead I let it spread to my heart,
It sets me apart from everyone else,
I wish I can say I was all alone,
That all I did was plug my headphones,
And all my worries just disappeared,
But the reality is I feared to be alone,
No one there allowed for my thoughts to come alive,
Which deprived me from a happy life,
Because I was constantly questioning what was real,
I wanted to seal my eyes shut,
But that wouldn’t stop the whispering in my ear,
It always felt like death was near,
And I figured death wouldn’t be a bad option,
Corruption filled my head,
Which led my imagination to be darkened,
And I became a burden,
I didn’t want to tell anyone I was seeing images,
So hear my words if you aren’t getting my messages,
I am schizophrenic,
And I’m not writing my story for you to feel apologetic,
I write for you to understand,
That there are others like me who try to withstand,
The disease that scares us to open our eyes,
So when our brain paints us a lie,
I pray someone is there to help us realize.

#schizophrenic

Chaotic world Jul 2017

Our love

Our love was created like a movie,
With you being the definition of beauty,
Summer nights you gazed at the stars,
While falling asleep to the sound of my guitar,
And I know our lives weren't perfect,
But in that moment everything seemed perfect,
Neither one of us expected how important we would be to each other,
But you being in my life never bothered me,
And I know you would agree,
We use to talk for hours about the mysteries in the world.
And it was in those talks that made me realize you were my world,
We said our love was fate,
And that we were each other's soulmate,
You could say electricity ran between us,
Because each time we kissed a spark left our lips,
We were at the peak of our love,
We often said what we had was truelove,
Our romance would cause us to be in a trance,
There was not one moment where we didn't cross each other's minds,
It was like our love was design for one another.

#love

Chaotic world May 2017

The lost

Everywhere I seem to go it always feel like you're there,
The despair you once had has now been passed on,
And now that you're gone,
It's harder for me to move on,
I wish I can say it was never like this before,
But you had always been at war,
And I used to always ignore,
I wish I was able to know,
When you started to feel low,
Woe was you,
And all I did was leave you alone,
Maybe if I walked in your shoes I would understand why you did it,
But for now I'll have to admit that I let you down,
You started to drown,
And I wasn't around,
You called me to stop you from breaking down,
Only to hear a voice mail saying I couldn’t reach the phone,
I left you alone with your own thoughts,
Which made you sought for paradise,
And you tried to compromise with drugs,
Hard drugs made you numb to the emptiness you felt in your heart,
You were falling apart,
And you started to realize this was the final chapter of your life,
All you did was dream of the afterlife,
And how wonderful it would be to stop this pain,
You asked the lord to explain why you were feeling like this,
And when you didn't hear an answer it dropped you further into the dark abyss,
You needed answers,
And I wish I could've gave them to you,
You decided to call again to tell me your goodbyes,
But I told you I was too busy to talk,
So you walked down the stairs,
Went to the kitchen and picked up a chair,
Stood on top of it with a rope around your neck,
And you stood there to think for a sec,
This was the first time you ever felt so high,
And you decided to stay there for there for the rest of your life,
Your parents walked in horror,
To realize their son had ended his story,
And now I write these words to describe my allegory,
All you needed was someone to show you that you weren’t alone,
Now I sit here and mourn for the memories we had,
It's sad to say that you live in my memories and not beside me,
I hope you are able to read this,
So you can know that I miss your presence,
I hope you found the heaven you were searching for,
And I hope you can save me a seat when it’s my time to go,
But until then I’ll live my life for the both of us.

Sometimes we believe suicide is the answer to stopping pain, but the reality is it just passes on to others. All it takes is one meaningful action to help someone.

#deathofafriend

Chaotic world May 2017

A prayer

Lord what’s wrong with me?
Why is my life tumbling like a game of jenga?
I ask you lord because this pain is becoming to hard to understand
I’ve tried to withstand it, but it feels like the harder I try to ignore it the more it brings me down
It’s like I am stuck in quicksand and I sink further down each time I try to struggle to free myself
I feel like I am going insane and no one seems to care
Are you even there?
I don’t think I can handle this pain anymore
Forgive me but the church said you can help me, but I don’t think so
I am helpless
Forgive me for what happens next
I know I do not belong in this world
Just look at me I am not the right color to be in this world
So I will just exit it and come to you lord
Goodbye for now,
I'll being seeing you soon

#suicidalthoughts

Chaotic world Apr 2017

The one who raised me

I see you moping around the house like I wouldn’t notice,
Tears rolling down your face because you think you’re hopeless.
You don’t want to be in this life anymore and I know you didn’t think like this before,
You had dreams that you were never able to achieve because you had to leave them behind to keep me and my siblings alive,
I can tell that you’ve been through some things and it eats you alive when you’re awake and asleep,
You’re in a deep dark hole that was created by the society around us, and now you carry depression all around you like if it was a jacket.
The oppression you face everyday doesn’t get any better and being undocumented doesn’t make it any better,
You pray to the lord to help you out of this hole, but it doesn’t seem to be working,
I can still see you crying even if you smile at me and my siblings,
I want to help you because you are the only reason that I am here,
so let me learn the cure to your diseases,
I’ll show you that you aren’t insane to me, and that I accept you,
I’ll change the world so others can see what I see, which is a mother who loves her children like no other

Chaotic world Nov 2016

The mess

I'm a mess,
Surrounded by a cloud of darkness,
made up of people who are heartless,
That always leave my night skies to be starless.

#depression

Chaotic world Aug 2016

The beginning and end

I still remember our first date,
It was a beautiful sunny day,
The sun's warmth would wrap around us like blankets,
While the cold breeze would kiss our faces,
we walked down a path together that day,
A path filled with beautiful melodies and flowers,
It was such a beautiful scenery,
A scenery that you couldn't keep your eyes off,
Yet the scenery didnt have my eyes,
You did,
I couldn't keep my eyes off you,
You were something out of my wildest dreams,
A dream come true,
I couldn't believe this was real,
So I grabbed your hand,
Slowly feeling your warm touch,
As our fingers interlocked,
But it still wasn't enough proof,
So I pulled you closer to me,
Staring deeply in your eyes,
Bringing you closer,
until our lips met,
This time I knew I wasn't dreaming,
Because I felt something that I had  never felt before,
And that was happiness,

It has been years since that sunny day,
The days now have become more windy,
With the cold becoming more brutal than ever,
But that didn't take the warmth wrapped around us,
And that's because we had set a fire,
A fire that ignited in both of us,
A fire that cast away every shadow,
We believed this fire will forever keep the darkness locked up,
But we were both wrong,

Because the sun that once shined so bright,
Is now covered by dark clouds,
And the cold breeze that once kissed our faces,
Is now hitting us with heavy blows,
There was nothing warm anymore,
Only the cold was there to hold us,
I reached for your hand,
To make sure you had enough fire in you to keep you warm,
But it was too late,
The cold started to extinguish every last flame dancing in you,
Blowing the fire out like a candle,
Now it was only a matter of time till the same road we walked on,
Seperates to two paths,
With you going one way,
And me the other way,

I bring you in,
Knowing this may be the last time I ever will,
There was nothing but the sound of your heart beat playing in the air,
Thump, thump,
Thump, thump,
Thump,
Thump,
That's when a faint whisper echoed in my ear
"thank you"
And the beat that once played,
Stopped,
Tears start rolling down my face,
I didn't want to open my eyes,
I didn't want to face the reality,
Because that would be toughest pill to swallow,
Knowing that you will only live in my memories now.

#losingloveone