i know it's hard
to wake up
to open your eyes
to not roll over and
cry yourself back to
dreams you never want to-
you never want to
open your eyes again

i know it's hard
to put on your shoes
to pull on your pants
to hide the marks you
thought you deserved
you never want to
hurt again

i know it's hard
to step outside
to feel the chill of
the winter wind
to feel the chill of
people's words
you never want to
listen again

when your bed was
your only friend
and you shared it with
tears and had parties
alongside razors and
heart breaks and
no comfort

when the parties ended
just before you would have
got the door
broken in

when life gets hard
your tears are your friends
and that's okay
you're okay
the razors are only
just as cold
as the rest of the world

sleep for awhile as
the world will soon realize
you are only a
blossoming beautiful
flower

people tell me how to lead my life,
they bully me into it,
they try and mould me,
and try and tell me its simple,
and they tell me that i will bend under there will,

But this is where i say good bye to "them" because since i could think for myself,
i realised that actually life is complicated,
people lie and cheat,
they steal and ******,
they are sly and they use you,

i realised that to be my own person to find my way,
i had to take a different path,
so instead of following in the foot steps of those before me,
i didn't lie or cheat i didn't steal or ******,
all i did was to take what they gave,
and that is pain.

and i realised that,
really thats all we ever feel,
pain

it simple and easy to understand,
it hurts,
it burns,
it makes us cry,
it makes us want to die,

but we don't die we take that pain and turn it on others,
in wars and fights,
by bullying,
by ******,
by picking on the weak and pretending that we,
are strong.

when actually we are weak,
so weak we find it hard to stand in the morning,
we regret our actions,
we regret the words that have said,
and think to our selves,
why, why did i do it.

so when those people tell me how to lead my life,
and they bully me and hurt me,
i take it,
over and over again,
some say that thats being strong,
but me personal i think its because im weak,
and i cant stand the fact if i get off he floor ill just be beat back down,

but sometimes thats what we need to do,
to get up,
to take the pain,
and stand up,
stand strong,
and take control,
and lead our own lives.

My dog is barking and my head is spinning again I think I drank too much of that cough syrup, I don’t try and do things like this too myself you know – it just happens – like that one time he tried to kiss me and I said no – but he continued anyway and then that one time following this where he slipped his hand over my mouth and told me not to tell our friends of the ways he touched me then left me. Oh god I’m so sorry I never meant to hurt you I never meant to open my mouth you’re on my mind all the time whenever you are not on my fingertips – tap tap tap – I’ve lost the past week in sleep I’m losing my mind again – my mother did that when she was 19 too, y’know. I’ve lost my beckoning I do not know what I am doing oh god I’m so sorry please open the door, I’m knocking so hard I have to come in, in in in.

I am the narcissist that
fell in love with my own
mind and sadly found out:
It's an abusive relationship.