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Him
On my lips and in my head
Only in dreams,
Those sweet memories.

Your piercing blue eyes forced my vision to expand. I started noticing beauty in the things that go unnoticed. The ant carrying a blade of grass.  Your body. You didnt shower much but i didn't mind because your scent made me feel at home. Long hair covered every inch of you. And i loved it because it was part of you.

I havent seen you in a while but you taught me to appreciate everything for what it is. Now i know that i do not want to be with a man who doesn't see me in the same way as i see them.

Lesson One: Circles are never ending

Life is defined by cycles.
Whether i am in a bad or a good cycle,
I am confined to a shape.
I can choose to change direction,
but I have restrictions.
We are living patterns.

Lesson Two: Not every equation will need it's solution to be YOU.

One day you will be caught up in a love triangle. Your answer is him;
His solution is her.
Try as you might, you cannot subtract whenever you please.

Lesson Three: Always write in pencil

Permanence is scary.
I've been way to confident in whom I give my heart to, collecting pages in my notebook that i have to rip out and throw away.
I've made one too many mistakes made of ink so lately,
I've been writing in pencil.

I am a rare gift; a star princess. Cherish me while i still only light up for you. If you don't treat me right, I will be forced to find another energy source. Oh comet king, let us join forces and become galactic royalty

My clock say it's 11:18
I missed 11:11 by 7 minutes.
Maybe that is why he left.
I've shattered a dozen mirrors
and walked under countless ladders.
I have had 19 years of bad luck.
On May 13th,i will blow out the candle and make my 20th birthday wish.
I will wish for you to come back.

why don't you love me?
why did you leave
when my bones are frail
and my heart
is barely beating?
i still think you are as mesmerizing as
the first time you told me
in detail
about how much you admire
people who pursue their dreams
and i swear, on everything i love
that i only write about you in poems.
You ARE everything i love.
You are the only thing I love.
And you know what?
you are worth it...
but i don't know how much longer i can go on
trying to pursue my dreams
of being with you

Sanity

I want to bash my head against the wall
a hundred times over.
Why won't you speak to me?
Please still be my friend.
Don't disappear from my life.
I love you more than I will ever love myself.
I'm trying to get tangled up with strangers
to temporarily get you out of my head.

Sleep

I haven't been able to sleep through the night
without taking 2,
or 6 sleeping pills.
I keep having dreams about you..
They wake me up, and the only remedy is to swallow more pills to go back
to a world where I have you.

Blood

You always get upset when I cut myself, and
if you saw my legs right now
you would be so disappointed.
I'm so sorry.
My thigh stopped bleeding,
but I'm not sure
how much more blood
my heart
can lose

Alcohol fills my belly again.
You haven’t kissed me once tonight.
I wish i had more
To pour
Down my throat.
Your hands are reserved for her hips;
Your lips on HER lips.
Fifty spears piercing my heart.
But i will settle for waking up where you are

A piece of me has died, leaving me widowed. I bring flowers to the graveyard every morning…
Yes, I am mourning

I believe in reincarnation
because there is no way
something this powerful
could be formed in one lifetime

You not being able to trust me is comparable to life spent in prison. I comitted crimes before, pleading guilty to sleeping with another man before you even asked. I would not have shed my clothes for him had I known  you were coming back. I know now that fights do not always lead to a final goodbye.

His touch felt so strange. Boney hands glided across my skin. He didn't give me goosebumps. Instead, the tips of his fingers were bees.  I lost your trust in exchange for being stung a dozen times. You gave me a life sentence, when i am already imprisoned by my conscience.

Please consider a retrial

April-** I could have let it be a one night stand but your body was magnetic.
May- On my birthday I only wished for you.
June-  Our first big fight had us erupting like Mt St. Helens. I drank a bottle of cough syrup and spilled my guts. " I love you " I said. You said it back.
July- I found out you were talking to another woman. I was devastated. I'm with another man; maybe that is how you felt.
August- The discussions about me leaving him are becoming more serious. You are moving back in with your mother soon. Ultimately, I decided suicide was my only option.
September- I did it. I left him for you.
October- Arguments are frequent, and one got me so heated that I went upstate for a few weeks. The first night I got there, I gave myself away to another man. It only made the pain stop throbbing for a moment.
November-  My dad wants to strangle you, and he says you are no longer welcome in the house. Myself and my family are now concerned that one day you will hurt me; and not with your words. I would still love you so.
December- Some nights you are my heater, but most you leave me in the blistering cold.

The potency of your poison was not enough to **** me. You burned through two layers of skin and I just stood there.
I stayed.
My flesh and bones melted from your lava words. I'm gathered in such a lovely pile on the floor, until I'm blown away by your words. The words that originated from the same place that used to send compliments and kisses my way.
You made the most beautiful mess of me.
You left me half dead and vacant, within arms reach.
It was glorious,
but please sweep me
up off my feet.

Euphoria is when i'm drugged up on our body,
The doses you give aren't enough to make me die.
I want to o.d.

Your nakedness upon mine.
Shivers creeping  up my spine.

I adore the love marks you scatter across my neck,
so everyone knows I'm yours.
They start out as a deep purple, the color of my hair.
Oh how I hate when they start to fade.
Bite harder, make it permanent.
My ex lovers have left constant reminders, but I want you to make your mark stand out.
I'm yours to use,
to ****,
to abuse,
to love.

Be on top of me, always.
Be inside, forever.
I want your sweat, tears, ***, blood.
Everything your body leaks is something to be jealous of.
Why would anything ever want to escape your body?

Toss me, turn me.
Heal me, hurt me.

**** me, **** me.

Lust and love go hand in hand.
Lead me to your room,
we shall sprawl across the bed.
Let's act untamed, act only on our instincts.
Spread me how you please,
pin me down where you would like.
Put your hands around my throat until I am gasping for air.
Take me, take me

If home is where the heart is,
I must have lost mine among my luggage.
I'm getting used to a city 30 minutes from my first home.
It is as if I am living in a mansion with nothing on display.

The walls are bare.
The walls are where?

You are my metaphorical bed;
you keep me safe and warm.
The physical bed smells like your skin, so I never want to get out of it.
The rest of the house has no evidence of you.

I am familiar with sleep, and ***, and snoring.
Beyond the bed is new territory that I am still figuring out.
Be patient with me.

I'm leaving today.
I'm packing pieces of myself, removing all the evidence that I was ever here.

The room is starting to look so bare.
The bathroom looks so empty without my hair products and deodorant lining the sink.

My absence will be just as noticeable as my presence;
white cat fur on dark clothes.

I'll miss these walls.
I'll miss greeting you with my lips.
I'll miss hearing you say you love me when we end a phone call.
I'll miss you.
Years down the road I'll bring you up to faces you've never seen.
I'll let them know how you saved me,
and taught me about what it means to love someone unconditionally.
I'll keep the story alive.
Strangers will know you by name.
They will recognize the bits of me that you assisted in sculpting.
People will remind you that I'm a bird, so if you love me then let me go;
that will not ease the pain in your heart.
I want the freedom, but there will be rainy days where I will want to run for cover in your shelter.
If I do not get through the rain by myself,
I'll never discover all the rainbows ahead.

The ring you got me three years ago has gained a great amount of weight.
I think it is filled to the brim with memories,
but looking back won't make it less heavy.
Taking it off will be my last goodbye to our romance,
and the final resting place of our relationship will forever remain inside our hearts.

                                                        ­                                Goodbye, Lover

Am i a sight for sore eyes,
or am I the cause for your corneas burning behind shut eyelids?

Without a shield,
each and every flaw of mine is exposed;
I'm so **** vulnerable.
Your eyes are able of scanning my skin for imperfections,
every stretch mark,bump, pimple; self inflicted scars;
every pore.


How can you find me beautiful when my body looks like a battlefield?
You've seen every war I've won;
all the battles I've started.

One day I'll wear my scars like a badge,
that is as visible as every time I took a blade and lighter to my body.

I hope that when you see the aftermath,
that you are thankful I did not dig any deeper than what I had.

when you started to love me,
that's when my life began.
For the first time, I believe someone who says they love me, as a whole.
Not parts, not pieces.

All of me,

and I owe you everything for what you've sparked in me.

I want to etch my soul into your skeleton,
all 206 of your bones
so I can possibly be something you always keep inside of you.
Let me be your frame.

I'd ask to be your skin too,
but i'd be ridden of much too soon.
I'd be scrubbed off when you bathe,
shaken off in your sleep while you dream.
I'd be the dust piled on your keyboard,
brushed off when it gets to be a sore to your eyes.


Skin cells renew, and I want you to feel fresh every morning
so I take that last stanza back.
Please allow me to be the skin that covers you, and the blood in your veins.

I am your second body.
If yours ever abandons you, let my heart pump your blood
and let my skin act as an umbrella to your  beautiful insides.

To anyone who's listening,

If four months ago I was warned about the heartache to come,
I wouldn't have been able to resist.
I can't apologize enough for my lack of self-control.
You are in a hole, because I feel the need to dig when given a shovel.

He was kissing my lips,
tugged my pants off my hips.
My eyes couldn't stop wandering towards the glow of the clock.
I was keeping track of time,
because I knew in 3 hours we will be at the beach together.
I focused on feet engulfed in sand.

"Who do you belong to?"
                          "you"

That's partially true. My body is yours in this moment, but my heart
is three hours ahead of you plucking sea shells from the beach with somebody else.

My body is a canvas, colored in with meaningless strokes. There is no space left to create a masterpiece.
I let all my past lovers paint pieces of my portrait, and i became the bad things they depicted. I can't be all the bright colors you believe I can be; it is hard to cover up the black stains on my work of art.

Most days I am ****** about into the tides.
I often find myself dangerously distant from the shore,
borderline drowning.
Once in a ******* blue moon, I get pulled into a rip current of you.
I bathe in every inch of you,
soak up your radiance.
I get my sun tan,
and take a dip into your ocean
body
soul
heart

every chance I get.

I wonder how many golden girls you have lured under your covers.
They probably perceived it as being invited to a royal ball.

I wonder how many whimsical women have been honored to share sheets:
to swap saliva with their majesty. You've danced with all of the town, still every one felt privileged to
have been with you.

How do you expect me to feel like one in a million,
when you've convinced a kingdom of shes'
believe they were your queen?

I wonder
if you wonder
if you are my king.

I've settled in,
made myself cozy in his mediocre linen.
I am kept safe under the weight of his blankets.

I've been staying in this haven for years.

He has a habit of depriving me of experiencing the cruel world for myself.
It may be painful, but it is crucial to development.  
I'm warm in his queen sized bed.
Why would I want to leap out of it?
You are either living, or dying.
Right now, I am dying.
I am suffocating from a lie, actually.

The ocean caresses the sand as if it hadn't seen one grain
in it's lifetime.
That is much how love should be.
Unrelenting,
tiring,
merciless.
No need to stop for anything.
Barriers get busted up,
the way drug addicts destroy an abandoned trailer.

I'll drag your weight all the way to the ocean,
and beg you to mimic it's motion.

I'm trapped in your magnetic field
like a fly stuck in a web.
I should not chastise the spider for trying to survive,
but where else should the blame be set?
We do what it takes to maintain fresh flesh,
but are we willing to suffer the consequences?

Today marks the second day in a row
without your arms wrapped around me snug like a cocoon.
This ride we are on is ending in a head on collision with a semi,
and the both of us will be effected by the whiplash.
I doubt we will survive.

I hunger to picture the shadows your face that were cast upon my bed sheets.
I enjoyed when our shadows danced together, to the beat of our own breaths.
The forest green of your eyes has become less saturated.
I can still remember the way your mouth was shaped as it spewed filthy words
from behind your teeth,
which I always wondered how you kept so white with
the amount of cigarettes you pressed between your lips.

I loved you dearly Dustin.

I am determined to see you again.
I'm unsure whether it's so I can
deafen you with screams,
strike you,
or plant a kiss slightly above the bridge of your nose.
Can you hear my desperate ramblings?
Some nights I hear you calling back.
I know you meant that you'd stick around.
You'd probably be here if if I'd allow.

                                            I will find you.

You come off in the smoke of my morning cigarettes.
Black tar fills my lungs.
With every inhale, I can still taste your nicotine kisses.
(although you hated menthols).
Quitting would means I gave up on you.
I started in hopes to make you stop,
and the habit made itself at home.
Smoking cigarettes keeps your ghost alive in my heart.
You haunt me.

My smile was once fueled by you.
The corners of my lips tightened,
descending into a stationary frown.
Butterflies mutating into ******* wasps inside my gut.
They sting my stomach lining,
fill my veins with bitterness. (poison)
I am old now,
bones rotted to the core.
Invisible wrinkles layer my skin.
Baby come back and light up my world like a candle again.

I have this tendency to squeeze my way into spaces
that were never meant to contain me.
I'm a solid, attempting to shape-shift to fit
your liquid form.
You're free;
I'm stuck in ruts.
I will risk losing myself in you or anyone...
Getting tangled up in several arms quells my desire to die
(I don't know why.)

When I long for eyes to get lost in,
                                                          I still think of yours.

So full of passion. We haven't made eye contact in a while, but the goosebumps I got when I held your gaze are still fresh on my skin.
                                                         You left traces of your intensity inside of me.

When I long for excitement,
                                                     ­    I still think of your lips.

Perfectly arranged words slipped effortlessly from your mouth, straight to my ears. Your lips paved the way to whatever you wanted, although we both needed it. You kissed me as if I were the last ounce of oxygen left in your atmosphere. (I was, for not quite long enough.) You approached me with the power of a ferocious storm, the beauty of a calm sea. Gentle, yet forceful. How can that be?

                                                       You left traces of your intensity inside of me.

When I long for a reason to love my future,

                                                        I still think of (y)our past.

The good; the bad. At least I took part in it. I've been holding on to a foolish daydream of sparks igniting once more.
                                                      You left traces of your intensity inside of me.

We build our castles with planks of secrets,
boards of lies.
Our safety net constructed of rubber bands that have been
snapped a million times.
I am to blame for expelling her from your mind.

Is she still there darling?
Possibly behind our affair? (somewhere?)

I hope when you reminisce our time spent together, you see it so vividly that she can almost taste the dishonesty on your breath.

There should be no room for me, so I've nothing to do but leave.

Jealousy is the root of all emotions.
The devil is inside my bones,
every crevice.
When you chose to let me give myself to you,
you inhaled a portion of my evils.
The second our lips touched I transferred guilt.
It will arise whenever you seek out to pleasure her most sacred places.
you will
                                                    taste,
 ­                                                           smell,­
                                                                ­     hear,
                                                           ­                  feel,
and see me as you are exploring every inch of her.


When I asked you to stare into my eyes, I planted shame
just behind your eyelids.
While admiring her nakedness,
you'll picture the way my hair draped over your face the first time we made love.
Your fingertips will glide across her lifeless skin,
wishing to be intertwined with my  limbs.
She'll reach in for a kiss,
You'll give in.
                                        How loveless.

I never was the type to long for much, as I was born poor.
Into a house and not a home;
Into arms without a pulse.
Her embrace was hostile.
The love of a mother should be so brilliant.
Without, her daughters became fragile.
Her tongue was a whip that she beat us with all day.
The monster in her head didn't allow for nurturing to take place.
Now I long for every touch to fill the void she left behind.
It is expanding with every passing day.
My problem's cannot be cured, for I have never had a Mother's love.