I have a mother in my head
A child in my heart.
They both want me to be happy
In their own unique way.
For them I will make sure
To eat my vegetables
And wrap up warm
Before going to splash
In rain puddles
And look out for falling stars.
For them I will live in the moment
And laugh whenever possible
As it is those memories
You look back on
The most fondly.

She said to me, one night
I sincerely believe
That good-for-nothing boys
Should be avoided
At all costs.
This is unless, of course,
You simply can't help it.
Then you should let them
Put a shy grin on your face
And make your pulse
Pound and flutter.
They will leave you
With very good
Forbidden memories
That you will treasure
One day when it's over.

Why do I do this to myself?
Making lists in my head
Of why I should feel sad
Why I do feel sad
As if experiencing them once
Wasn't bad enough.
Why do I cling to the lyrics
Of depressing songs
Take the words to heart
And recite them under my breath
A mantra for the tears.
None of this helps
Reading words like this doesn't help.
I search for solidarity
In my loneliness
Hoping someone else
Is feeling the same as me
When really all I need
Is a distraction.
I eagerly await a better feeling
To flood my veins and consume me
But do nothing to create it
Except open my window
And hope it flies in.
I only ever mange to summon
A cold breeze that mingles with
The sound of the road below.
Maybe the chill of it will
Cool my flushed skin
And provide
The good sense
To put my feelings aside
And carry on with the day.

Why do I long for home
As if it was something
Lost to me
Out at sea
Under the waves of oblivion.

Why do I feel empty
And indifferent to it all.

I would like to lie
In the suns gaze
And shrug off myself
Give my thoughts the slip
Just for a moment
A minute, an eternity.

Carry on without me
I'll be here awhile
And imagine I'm sat
Under the sky I know
So much better than this one
The one with the brighter stars
That I can reach
And graze my fingertips across
Remembering the burn of promise
As if it was tingling still.

Home where are you now
Have you flown somewhere far
Where I cannot reach
Without a guide
Without some aid.
Will I stay here on this island
That is so
Familiar but detached from me.
When will I be ready
To brave the storms
For possibility
For more than what I have made
And chose to stay in.

Why does the sight of you
Still ignite shy joy
In my long ago frozen veins
When you were the one
Who made me cold
To the touch.
Why do I seek your smile alone
In the crowd
When others would
Grant me theirs
Without the price of reproach
Hating myself
When left alone in the night.
Why do I miss the thought of you
When in my mind
You remain eternally present
And by my side.
In my darkest dreams
You never leave, you never left
And yet
simultaneously elsewhere
As time goes on
You're walking away
Towards someone else
Who doesn't need to miss you
Who doesn't need to think of you
To survive.

You've been sweet talking
Me lullabies
And holding my hand
When it's dark outside.
You've been so steady
When I've stumbled
Holding me in
When I start to crumble.
You've been a reminder
Of my flaws
And why they don't matter
The way they did before.
You've been broken and twisted
Yet simple and kind
So like me where it matters
Our lives entwined.
I've loved and despised you
Had you in my brain
You've kept me close by
And pushed me away.
We've fallen and risen
Survived a spiral, a whirl
A story, so simple,
About a boy and girl.

I wear my makeup like a war paint
To me it's not a cover up
A camouflage
But instead what allows me
To charge into battle.
It enhance my best features
Instead of concealing the bad
After all,
A bright lipstick
Will only draw attention
To my smile
And why wouldn't I smile
When my cheekbones sparkle
When they hit the light
Or when my lashes flutter
So I feel like a disney princess.
Don't think I'm insecure
Just because I'm secure in
Choosing how I show my face
To the world.
Don't think I'm hiding
Behind a 'fake' or 'false' me.
My makeup is my war paint
And with my head held high
All can admire it
As I gracefully charge
Into battle.