The day the rumors of my secret touched your ears,
They ripped apart everything you knew.
How could there have been so much pain
Hidden behind crinkled eyes and a metal-mouthed smile?
So much pain that my own flesh and blood had no clue.
Yet all I did was comfort you.
Daddy's chin wobbled as he told me
How scared he was because he couldn't save me.
Tears ran down his face
While he crushed my lungs and cracked my spine
And I feel like dying because
You're not supposed to see your dad cry.
Momma's cheeks were wet when she told me of her insecurities
And how she saw herself in me
And she sobbed because she thought it was all her fault.
I traced my body's lines
Because you're not supposed to see your mom cry.
You both came rushing in
Momma begging Daddy to wait.
I slowly lifted my sleeve
You both began to weep
Momma whipped questions around
Without bothering to wait for an answer
Daddy stayed quiet, not knowing what to do.
I was trying to force my chest to breathe as I looked at you two.
I felt my blood like cubes of ice
Because you're not supposed to see your parents cry.
I let you hold my hand
I let you squeeze my head to your chests.
And I'm so sorry I let you down
I'm sorry I lied when I said I'm alright
Because I know for a fact
You're not supposed to see your mom cry.

I promise to stay alive
If you promise not to forget me when I die.
And I'll be sure to follow my heart
If you keep these memories from falling apart
I know I'll turn to dust
It'll be my time soon enough
I know I don't deserve smooth sailing
But does it have to be so rough?
I don't want to be just a number
I want my face to be remembered
I want my name in the history books
I want people to know how my handwriting looks
I want a feast day
A parade
Something to celebrate
I want my name in lights
Banners hung high
Images preserving my life

You know?
All that would be nice
But something smaller will suffice.
If I could just get a promise from you
To never forget me, that'll do.

Where is God in the killing of the innocent?
Where is He among the depression and addiction?
Where is He in the dark?
Where is He in the evil?
What about the selfishness and greed?
Where is He?

He's in the sunset and the rain.
He's in the comfort through the pain.
He's in this life and the next.
He's in your life and the rest.

Where is God is the hatred and abandonment?
Where is He in the bodies in the basement?
Where is He in the blood?
Where is He in the filth and the mud?
The destruction, the hurricanes, the crime?
Where's He been all this time?

He's in the grassy hills and plains.
He's in the moss and the sugar cane.
He's in your favorite song or dream.
He's in the smoothest ice cream.
He never left.

How do we really know
That we are good people?
How do we know
If God is smiling?
Is He really there?
Or are we just alone;
Out on our own?
Is it debatable or fact?
Or a debatable fact?
Or is this all just to give Him a good laugh?
How can anyone be so sure?
We are so imperfect
Who are we to be confident?
Are we really that self-important?
What if everything's backwards
And we're all hanging in the balance
Upside down, faces cherried
Cuffed by the toes
Left with no hope.

What if you're wrong?

Living to love and loving to live
Are complete different entities.
I cannot explain how different they are
Without showing you every scar.
Things are so different up in my head.
Grateful for the days I don't get out of bed
So here's to the kids who live to love
But are so ******* ready to just give up
I'm right with you, so I have no advice
Don't think you're the only one suffering
You have an entire family
But here's to the kids who hate to live
Life is crazy, I know I know
But death is forever, so please don't let go.
Live in the now, don't forget the past
Listen to your heart
Because now doesn't last
Soon, tomorrow will be today
And you won't know what to say
So live to love and soon enough
Every day you get, you will love to live.

How is it that in the midst of so much light
I can feel engulfed in dark and shadow?
It's almost like things are lightest
Just before the dark
This isn't how the world is supposed to work.
Am I just destined to live backwards?
When my world crumbles,
Am I supposed to crack with it?
It seems as though my only choice
Is to hang amidst the burning house.
I'm not supposed to get out.
And I'm supposed to be unafraid.
There won't be an exit.
There won't be a man in a cape.
No clean air to breath.
No relief.
Only the tightening of my lungs
And the disintegration of my heart
Left to rot
And to be forgot
I'm nothing to this world.
My existence is simply to take up space
And make everyone's day.
I smile
No one smiles back.
Am I already dead?
A ghost among you?
No one listens when I speak.
No one seems to see what I can see.
I hate this cycle I've been thrown into.
I don't know if this is a dream or real.
I just know that I don't want to feel.